Afleveringen
-
Today Cinthia discussed what it means that we as human beings are made in the image of God. We say all kinds of things about ourselves, and not all of the things we say are true. We work hard to define ourselves, to figure out who we are and grasp some kind of identity for ourselves. But these attempts will never make us free until they line up with the truth about ourselves, which is rooted in Who God is and who He says we are. We look around for those we can emulate, but, until we know and emulate our Creator, we will not figure out how to be our unique selves. The more we know God, the more we will want to be like Him, and the more we are like Him, the more we will be the unique creation He meant us to be.
Cinthia discussed some of her own struggles to figure out her identity. She was adopted into a family with which she had little in common in terms of appearance, giftings, etc. She felt, she says, like she was on a train called âlifeâ and did not know how she got on it, where it was going, or where she was supposed to get off of it. She even perceived herself to be on this train fraudulently, to be on the planet by some unplanned accident so that God had to figure out what to do with her now that she was here. Living under the weight of this, Cinthia worked hard to âbe somethingâ to justify her existence. But one day, after many, many conversations about this with God, after repeatedly telling him how she felt and what she thought about it all, Cinthia heard God say to her, âNow you know where you came from. You came from Me.â Learning to see God as her reference point and to ask Him who He meant her to be changed life drastically for Cinthia, although it has been a process.
While Cinthiaâ particular struggle may be most resonant for those who have been adopted, all of us struggle with identity. Some of this relates to family issues; we may not see ourselves as having much in common with our biological families or may identify with them strongly, happily or not. We are adopted into Godâs family through Jesus, and we donât always know how to relate to this family. But, regardless of our experiences with those who reared us or those around us now, human beings struggle to define ourselves (and some might say our society has particular difficulties with this because we are so concerned with defining ourselves individually) because each of us was created by God to be something we cannot understand without Him. Each of us was His idea, and He was happy that He made each of us. Regardless of connections with family members or similarities and differences with them, we are still one-time-occurring creations, and there is no one like anyone else. Until we connect our identities to their Source, we will lack the information and power we need to be who we were meant to be.
In our society, people seem to be struggling with this more than ever. People are even changing their bodies at drastic levels, but we are not our own creators. We are not able to create who we want to be, whatever our society may tell us. Human beings simply donât have the tools to create themselves. We have to learn to accept our status as created beings who were not consulted about who we were meant to be, but who are far more amazingly-designed than we realize or know. Learning to trust our Creator with who we are is difficult because trust is difficult and because we tend to have ideas about who we are, some of which are not accurate and may cause pain. But we start by learning to trust God when He says we were beautifully and wonderfully made and that He was glad when He made us. Until we believe Him and ask Him what He had in mind for us, we will not find peace with who we are.
You have to find out who you are, and you have to do it by going to your Creator. Ask Him why He made you. Even if you identified with your family or were like them in many ways, you are still the only one of you. (Even identical twins do not have the same fingerprints!) You are truly original, and you have to find out who you are. You came straight from God, from His heart, soul, and mind. He wanted to make you, and He did. That is where you come from. He wants to be with you forever. Think about that: God made you because He wants to be with you forever. Although He has taken great care with the particulars of your life, God created you for eternity, not just for this life. He wanted to get you here more than He wanted to make it âthe right timeâ for everyone else. He used this fallen world to get you into existence, and that for Himself. The first step in knowing who you are is to know Him; the second is to know the level of value He places on you.
Cinthia explained, âIf I know God, I know myself better. If I act more like God, I like myself better.â Cinthia offered several verses (Revelation 22:13, Colossians 1:15-17, Isaiah 44:6-8) to help us begin looking at this. He is the First and the Last. We look at the Son and see the God Who cannot be seen. We see His original purpose that He started in Him and holds together in Him. He is the God of Angel Armies. He is all-seeing, all-knowing, and all-powerful. God is the Doer. Then she discussed Genesis 1:26-7, which explain that we were made in His image, in the image of the Trinity. She likens this realization to what it was like for her as an adult who had been placed for adoption in infancy to meet her biological family, to have an âahaâ moment in which she realized she looked like them, shared traits with them, and suddenly made sense to herself in ways she had never understood.
God is behind relational success. God wants us in relationship with Him first and then with others. This is why relationships impact us deeply whether we are engaging in them or avoiding them, and it is why our relationship with God is foundational to our self-images and to the health of our other relationships, while our self-images other relationships are significant concerns to God. He made us like Himself, and we can borrow His ways of doing relationship. Unfortunately, sin makes us less and less like Him. We are left with our reference point. God wants us to be like Him, not the other way around. This is why verses like Matthew 19:4 actually give us permission to be who we are. God did not miss something when He created you; He made you the way that He made you on purpose. What you have learned about who you are, what you believe about who you are, what others think about who you are -- those things can be mistaken. But God is not mistaken about how He made you.
Cinthia elaborated by listing some specific ways God made us to be like Him. We are creative, wishing to continue, expand, and express ourselves. We are relational. We are spiritual with a desire for spiritual connection, knowing there is more and desiring to question. We are emotional beings. (Yes, God has emotions! We see that He has always had the capacity for happiness, sadness, and anger, though we do not see Him experiencing the emotion of fear until He became human as Jesus. God is very emotional and not at all insecure, but, as a human, He opened Himself to this experience. Even Jesus first indicates fear at facing the cross. What a brave and strong friend we have in Jesus.) We have choice. And there are more ways!
Go to God. Ask Him Who He is and how He wants you to learn this, and be willing to pursue knowing Him as He wants to be known. Ask Him who you are, who He meant you to be. Then get to know yourself, to be yourself more fully based on the design by which you were made. This is what it means to be yourself, and it comes not by performance for Him but through relationship with Him. Walk with Him, and be everything He dreamed of you being.
-
Todayâs title is one that requires some definitions. First of all, what is an addict? What is addiction? Addiction has more than one definition but usually involves becoming physically or psychologically dependent on a substance; it can sometimes apply to compulsive involvement in behavior, such as gambling or sexual compulsions. Not all habits necessarily qualify as addictions.
At some level, we are all prone to addictions, but some people are much more prone to them than others. Genetics plays a key role in setting up proclivities to addiction. Trauma also influences addictions by taking away someoneâs ability to regulate his or her internal world. Anxiety and depressive disorders can create or increase vulnerability to addictions. Chronic pain and severe injury including head injury, can set up a person for addiction, especially if treatment for these ailments involves narcotics or other controlled substances. We cannot tell just by looking at a person all the factors that may put that person at risk for addictions, and shaming them for being addicted is generally not helpful. Addiction is an affliction, not something people plan to have.
There is a difference between dependence and addiction, though one can lead to the other. A person who depends on a particular medication is not necessarily dealing with an addiction. Sometimes the body cannot do for itself what it needs to do, and medications can be used appropriately to help with this. Some people become dependent on medications that make their bodies function properly without becoming truly addicted, and sometimes we do not know all that is involved in another personâs medical care plan. However, dependence can lead to addiction, and signs of this can include lessening attempts to find other coping skills and ways to be healthy. At this time in history, we have an unprecedented opportunity to use pharmaceuticals in life-giving ways, but it can be very difficult to know how and when to do this. Medications that were originally meant to help people can sometimes work their way into hearts, minds, souls, relationships, and lifestyles so that they destroy the people they were meant to help and harm others in addition.
Another term in todayâs title is the word âjudge.â The phrase âdo not judgeâ is frequently cited as coming from Jesus, though not always with proper understanding of the context in which He said this. In Matthew 7:1-6, Jesus told us not to judge lest we be judged. The compassion He showed and shows to sinners like us shows us how important a statement like this is to Him. In our society, however, we sometimes misuse the phrase âDonât judge,â using the authority of Jesusâs words to mean, âDonât tell me Iâm wrong,â or to imply that all behaviors must be accepted as equally moral. But Jesus went on to tell us not to give dogs what is sacred or cast our pearls before pigs. A few verses later He warned against false prophets. How are we to obey the latter verses without making some kind of judgments? In fact, the Bible says not to judge ourselves. How, then, can we make behavioral decisions for ourselves?
The answer lies in the difference between judging behavior and judging a personâs heart, between determining that a behavior is harmful (or potentially harmful) and making negative assumptions about what is happening inside a person, between setting boundaries and shaming people. Jesus says in John 7:24, âDo not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment.â So, in the verses in Matthew, âdo not judgeâ does not mean that love should be blind or undiscerning; on the contrary, loving well requires even more discernment than the kind of judging Jesus forbids. It is healthy and right to recognize that some behaviors are harmful and wrong. It is loving to want someone to be the best version of himself or herself and to encourage this in appropriate ways. Wisdom often sees where particular behavioral patterns are leading, and love can motivate us to set limits with ourselves and others to avoid or minimize the harm that may be approaching. Sometimes boundaries are necessary and healthy, and they can be set in ways that are not inherently shaming (though, for some people, encountering any kind of boundary activates their own inner shame). Even deciding at last to walk away from an unhealthy situation can be done in kinder ways than simply ignoring or avoiding the person.
So todayâs title and message can be expanded to the following: âDonât judge the addict; judge the behaviors.â Judging behaviors well may lead us to encourage someone to get help or make changes, to pray for them and encourage them. Judging behaviors well may sometimes lead us to accept that another person has free will and that the only healthy option we have is to walk away from a situation we cannot change. Other people may sometimes confuse these things with judging in the way Jesus said not to judge, and, truthfully, it is often hard to keep our behavior judgments from intermingling with our sinful tendency to judge peopleâs hearts as if we were in the place of God. But loving well requires that we learn to support one another in being the best versions of ourselves, not in using our freedom to justify doing things that cause real harm.
There is a difference between an excuse, which attempts to justify inappropriate actions and make it okay to do things that are not okay, and an explanation, which simply attempts to help us understand the struggle. Explanations may help us understand one anotherâs backstories, biologies, and battle strategies. Exploring the root may help us find a solution.
The Bible is clear about truth. Truth is inseparable from Godâs character. Anything that contradicts the truth is a lie. To call something a lie or a sin is to pass on that thing, but only God can pass judgment on the person engaged in that thing. Sometimes we donât want to know or act on the truth God shows us, but that doesnât mean we can redefine truth.
If you are struggling with an addiction, do not stop trying. Donât give up. Donât stop reaching out for help. You have the rest of your life to live, and it honors God to continue seeking Him and accepting the help He provides in our struggles. It can be hard for humans to deal with our own freedom; we are free to choose our behaviors but not necessarily to choose their outcome. Sometimes the things we choose are more powerful than we realized they would be. Jesus does not break bruised reeds or snuff out smoldering wicks (Isaiah 42:3, Matthew 12:20), and His desire is not to shame you. But neither does He want you to use phrases like âDonât judge meâ to dismiss the reality that you are more than the addictions that haunt you. Jesus took our sins, sicknesses, and afflictions on Himself when He died for us; He knows better than anyone how heavy they are and how much they hurt. If you are His (or if you turn to Him now), He will not leave you to struggle by yourself; He will be with you.
If you are not sure whether you are struggling with an addiction, consider some of the following questions: Are you habitually breaking Godâs law by doing things He says not to do? Are you breaking human laws? Are your relationships suffering, or are you becoming more isolated? Are you lying, hiding, or deceiving to avoid having your behaviors criticized or limited? Just because something feels valid or justified does not necessarily make it healthy. Is there a pattern to what you are doing or when you are doing it? Is it harming your physical or psychological health? Is the thing that was intended as a solution actually causing more distress or impairment? Are you doing more than you used to do?
If someone you love is struggling with an addiction, remember that there is a difference between judging a person and judging behavior. Jesus gives us permission to make judgement calls on doctrines and deeds, and we are responsible for setting limits accordingly. Judging whether to hand someone your keys, or even judging whether you can continue to be in relationship with a person in his or her current state of decision-making, is not the same as judging the personâs heart. But negative assumptions about the personâs heart, etc., are. You can set boundaries in response to the personâs choices, and you can set boundaries in your own mind regarding how you will think about the situation, what conclusions you will draw, etc. Ask God to help you deal with the hurt without resorting to hatred. Accept help from Him and from wise others in determining what limits you need to set. You are not God, and this means both that you are not the personâs judge and that you have your own limits. You cannot rescue the person any more than you can judge the heart. Compassion and codependency are not the same thing.
No matter what role you currently occupy in these scenarios, remember that we are not even the judges of ourselves. God the only Judge. But He does give us plenty of wisdom for evaluating our own behaviors. Ask yourself the question, âWho is going to parent me?â You have freedom to make your decisions, but you cannot choose the outcome of those decisions. We are held accountable for what we have done. God wants to make you into the kind of person He wants you to be. He made you, and He also understands the ingredients He put into you. He gives us the free will and the strength to say âyes,â âno,â or âwaitâ to ourselves. Learn how to judge your own behaviors for your own benefit. The adult part of you should gently question the wisdom of your actions at times. Be kind to yourself and others as you do this because God is kind. Humans are a risk. Take the risk of being the best version you can be. You are a one-time occurring person, and you only get one life. What meaning does God want to create with that life?
-
Zijn er afleveringen die ontbreken?
-
Twilight seems like a wisp of time; it comes and goes and is gone. It occurs twice a day, bookending the days and nights. Is this simply an accident of the Earthâs rotation and revolutions around the sun? Nothing God creates is without meaning and purpose, and twilight, Cinthia explains, is a beautiful gift to us.
Cinthia explored dictionary definitions of twilight as (for example) âthe diffused light from the sky during early evening or morning when the sun is below the horizon and its light is refracted by the earthâs atmosphere.â Twilight is a time of transition; it gives us time to reflect on the day we have had and to move into night, or to come awake and move into the day. It is the in-between time when things are ambiguous, obscured, winding up or winding down. It can be calming, and it can be invigorating. Imagine life without twilight, life in which darkness fell suddenly as we were driving and dawn broke all at once on our sleeping eyelids. Twilight gives us the time to adjust, to prepare, to change with the rhythm of the day.
Photographer Jacob Lucas has written about the under-appreciated and under-utilized light that comes through the atmosphere at twilight. This is not just one type of light, either, but breaks into three phases in each twilight. Civil twilight happens when the sun is just below the horizon and allows for seeing the brightest stars and planets and well as the horizon and objects on earth. The light is mostly gold and pink. Nautical twilight is the time when the sun is a bit further from the horizon; light dissipates more quickly, making details harder to see and silhouettes more realistic for capturing on film. Astronomical twilight is the closest to darkness, and capturing handheld images is nearly impossible in its light.
The concept of twilight can extend past the natural, however. Spiritual and emotional or psychological twilights can exist, as well. can be natural, spiritual, emotional/psychological.
Cinthia explored the twilights involved in the Passion of Jesus. It was likely sunset as He moved into the Last Supper with His disciples, a time when He washed the feet of His betrayer and tried to tell His friends the last things He wanted them to know before His death. Twilight led Him into the dark night in which He would sweat blood in Gethsemane, receive His betrayerâs kiss, face the soldiers and officials, and begin six grueling trials that included periods of torture and went through dawn (the second twilight of the Passion). That morning He carried His cross to the Place of the Skull and was nailed there, but a different kind of twilight came when the darkness of night fell at noon. That afternoon, another strange twilight came when He committed His Spirit into the hands of His Father; the earth quaked, the veil in the temple was torn in two, and Jesus died. The darkness was over, but twilight returned as His body was buried at sunset.
This is what God does with us everyday in little and big pieces. We go through hours, days, seasons, pregnancies, job trajectories, the raising of children, the nurturing of relationships. We experience process after process; we live in process and go through a multitude of transitions. These twilights include times it is really dark and times when we see things in clearer, more beautiful lights than we have previously done. God walks us through these processes with great intentionality. He
Jesus was fully present every moment of His life on earth, though we are usually not. Twilight is an especially important time to be present because it eases us into the next phases of our life. Twilight is a gentleness from God, a kindness He gives us even though we resist it at times.
What twilight are you in? Is something beginning? Is something starting to end? Is there a transition on the horizon? Stop and hear God saying that He is with you in the process. Accept Godâs grace as He leads you into the change. Be present in twilight.
Twilight is Godâs kindness to lead us into change gradually. There are some changes that are more abrupt, but donât skip over the transition time He gives you. Donât refuse His kindness in leading you through the process His way. God is creating this process for you to be able to get to the other side safely.
Human beings were designed to need rhythms of work and rest, expansion and contraction, sleep and wakefulness, obscurity and discovery. We need times of preparation and times of repose. God knows His creation and its need for seasons and rest. Even He rested on the seventh day after He created the world, showing us this pattern and giving it to us for our sake. The work was good, He showed us, but the rest was holy. The Sabbath commandment gets transgressed more than any other, and it has been distorted in every direction. But its original intent was to strengthen us, and it will still do this if we allow it. God even gave laws to the Israelites that allowed the land to rest so it could produce more later.
Rest is vulnerable. Rather than trust the Lord, we often want to keep working and pushing. But breaking natural laws brings consequences. When we fight against the physiology of our bodies, we will lose. We will weaken ourselves and miss the healing, the restoration. We will start too soon, end too soon, or not start or end at all. Cinthia explains, I need to trust the One Who died for me. If I resist doing my day, my life, I may miss some hardships but also steal from myself the blessings that are waiting for me.
Twilight often requires us to go through the grief and loss process. Sometimes this is because we are experiencing deep loss. Sometimes we even have to grieve the loss of something good for something better.
Just as we did not create twilight, we cannot depend on ourselves to travel through it. Cinthia explains a practice she uses to focus herself and experience her position with God more fully. The Jesus Prayer, which is more than 1,500 years old, goes like this: âLord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.â Cinthia is one of many believers who have practiced repeating this inside her heart and mind, inhaling during the first half of the sentence and exhaling on the second half. She wholeheartedly recommended this practice, not because God needs our repetition to hear us, but because we need the repetition to humble ourselves, to ask unceasingly for the mercy He has already given us. Godâs destiny for us is always good but not always comfortable. We need His mercy to come through it.
God has not forgotten us when we are in twilight. He knows what He is doing even when He allows something good to end or allows us to go into dark nights of the soul. He leads us to surrender as Jesus did: âNot my will but Thy will be done.â Often we find that surrender initiates morning twilight, but He is with us the whole time before that, too. Read Psalm 23. He will walk us through until we are ready for the full light of day. Then, after such a night, it is time to rise. When that time comes, we can trust Him for that, too. When He raised Lazarus from the dead, Jesus made sure the stone was rolled away and then shouted for him to come forth. There is a time when the cock crows, signaling dusk or dawn. Hear the voice of the Lord calling you to come forth, and know that it is time.
Where are you in this process? Have you been in the tomb too long? Are you refusing to come forth? Are you needing to stop and reflect but wanting to do something to feel better instead? What twilight are you in? Are you ignoring it, lengthening it, trying to get out of it too quickly? Honor Godâs timing, and return to the natural rhythm of how He made us to be. Twilight is the transition that moves us into the next phase of our calling. It makes us slow down and find Jesus. Twilight is crucial. Donât miss it.
-
Have you ever told the truth and yet not been believed? Have you ever struggled to know whether to believe someone else? Distrust can be painful on both sides, but knowing what to believe can be difficult. Today Cinthia tackles the dual topic of trusting and being trusted, starting with the statement that everything is a risk.
Trust is necessary for life, and trust is always a risk. Belief in anything is a risk, but no one can take a step without putting his weight somewhere. Even our day-to-day tasks require trust in objects, systems, and people. Relationships require trust, and all of us have had variable experiences trusting others.
That said, some people are better risks than others; some people show us that they are more trustworthy, while others show us that they are not. Are you a good risk for other people? What do you show others with your life? First, make sure that you are a good risk. Donât pretend. If people are trusting you, they are risking on you. If people are talking to you, they are risking on you. Be a good risk.
Wanting to be trusted is a risk because it hurts to want trust and not receive it, especially when one has worked hard to be trustworthy. God takes that risk with us. He is completely trustworthy; we can take Him at His Word. He even engages with us as we challenge Him, though we should not disrespect Him. But still we question Him over and over, struggling to believe He exists, wondering if He loves us, grasping for control of our lives because we trust our own plans more than we trust His. Jesusâs disciples did not really understand or trust His love until after He had died for them and come back to life, and even then they struggled with doubt, confusion, and the need for reassurance. Human beings have a tendency to think in terms of âIf (fill in the blank), then I would really know that he/she loves me.â We keep trying to figure out the real test that will finally hold down our fear. But this is dangerous because it is based on our own imaginations; the things we think will satisfy us often do not do so.
It takes humility to continue to engage with someone who struggles with trust when you are not the one who wounded them. In this situation, focus on kindness and try not to make the personâs other-inflicted wounds worse. The person may have hurt from the past; maybe the person does not know how to get the help he or she needs. At some point, if the person consistently refuses to risk trusting you no matter how much you demonstrate that you are trustworthy, it may become hard or impossible to have a relationship with that person. Relationship requires risk.
Sometimes, however, another personâs mistrust in us comes from our own actions. When we have lied to someone, been untrustworthy in a relationship, neglected someone, wounded or harmed someone in some way, etc., it may take a long time to regain trustâperhaps much longer than we hoped. It may take longer than seems fair to the one who committed the offense, and the one who is trying to trust again may become more comfortable, only to start questioning again and need further transparency and amends. Sometimes trust has to be re-earned minutes, days, and again years later. If you have wounded someone deeply, you may have to keep demonstrating your trustworthiness until that person is ok again.
In the absence of glaring reasons not to trust another person, how can the average person decide whether to risk trusting that person? Cinthia cited the old proverb, âTrust but verify.â At some point, we all have to risk trusting someone, just as we have to take reasonable risks trusting our brakes, our chairs, our food, and so many other things. It is impossible not to trust someone or something, and that always involves risk. We only get to decide in what directions we point our risk-taking. Believing in someone means that we can be let down, and that is very scary. But we cannot have relationship without risk. So we trust while waiting to see, and we increase trust as someone or something continues to prove trustworthy. Consider how you would feel if you had to prove yourself time and time again without ever being believed, or without the person being able to hold onto his or her belief in you once you leave the room. Do not keep your loved ones forever in limbo, always trying to earn your trust and never able to do so by any reasonable means. Look for evidence of trustworthiness, but do not think any human being is going to be risk-free.
So what does it mean to be trustworthy? When the object of our potential trust is a flawed human being, perfection is not one of the options. Unless the person you are trusting is Jesus, that person is going to mess up. (And, for that matter, even though He never messed up, Jesusâs followers were repeatedly surprised, confused, and disillusioned when He did things differently when they were expecting Him to do.) With flawed human beings, believing in someone does not necessarily mean you are shocked when that person messes up. Trustworthiness in a flawed human being is more about whether the person is willing to acknowledge an error, take responsibility, and work to make things right. Expecting perfection from other people will always disappoint us and will eventually drive others away from us. Who wants to keep trying to gain trust when that trust is simply unattainable?
So pay attention to glaring red flags, but also pay attention to the positive traits of the people in your life. This will strengthen both you and them. It will not necessarily make everything feel like it is going to be ok, but it can keep you from having to miss out on relationship entirely. Look at the evidence as objectively as you can. Find a good risk, and risk trusting. Acknowledge that there is a level of risk and decide to go forward. It is often the inner child that keeps demanding further proof, that keeps imagining he or she will finally feel secure if only the person does [fill in the blank]. The inner child is not the one to consult about these kinds of decisions. Find the adult part of yourself, and go through the grief and loss process. The adult part has to decide if another human is a good risk, and this involves risk to find out. Sometimes we find out we were wrong. You are going to be let down; we all are. Trust is hard for everyone, and no one wants to be hurt. But practice being an adult. Acknowledge who you are trusting. Distinguish between childish wishes and adult acceptance of reasonable risk. Donât just say no first and make others coax you into relationships. Trying not to trust anyone is not a good life. You have choices. You can say yes, no, ask questions, etc. Otherwise, you deprive yourself. The fact for all of us is that, when we refuse ever to risk, we become problematic risks ourselves.
There are situations, however, in which we do well to learn not to trust a particular person. Sometimes people show us evidence that trusting them is not reasonable. When this happens, we can acknowledge it and respond accordingly but still move forward in life with joy. You can be ok, even if it takes time. God made it possible to move through things, to heal, to keep moving. You do not have to let that personâs choices tell you what everybody is like. Are you letting the least-trustworthy people from your past tell you what all human beings are like? If you have already discovered that those people were not worthy of your trust, they may not make good lenses through which to view the rest of the world.
Ironically, despite the flawed nature of human beings and the perfection of God, we often trust people more than we trust God. We view people as more of a sure thing because we can see them. Do you have history with God? Do you engage with Him? Do you have reason to believe He is trustworthy? Do you believe that He wants a relationship with you and that He is patient with your doubts? Engage with Him. He knows trust is always a risk, but that refusing ever to trust is always to risk even more.
-
Practice makes perfect, right? Well, that depends on what we are practicing. Habits are powerful, and repetition makes them stronger. This can be a huge advantage when we form and reinforce positive habits; it means we automatically do positive things without the decision fatigue that can come with making so many conscious decisions. Habits are useful and efficient because they allow us to engage in our day-to-day lives without consciously engaging in a conscious decision-making process for every move we make. Without them, it would be difficult to get through the day. But this process can backfire when we form and reinforce negative habits because they become part of our automatic approach to life; they become natural to us. Our bad habits are powerful and hard to change.
Humans develop habits of the heart, habits of the mind, and habits of the body. Each can be positive or negative, and some can start as positive but become negative as they reach extremes or take on roles they were not meant to play. Habits of the heart can include patience or impatience, forgiveness or unforgiveness, acceptance or obstinacy, kindness, cruelty, indifference, truthfulness, lying, and so many others. Habits of the mind can include taking every thought captive (II Corinthians 10:5), policing your own thoughts, self-hatred/self-criticism, judgments of others, lying, and more. Habits of the body can include reaching for a seatbelt or a cigarette, eating habits, use and misuse of alcohol, nicotine, or other drugs, engaging or not engaging in healthy behaviors like exercise or taking appropriate medications, and physical violence. Each of these can be positive or negative, and our brains engage with each of these by forming neural nets that become triggered by context and lead us more easily into enacting that habit. This means that each time we engage in one of these habits, we reinforce it for the next time.
Regarding thought habits, Cinthia cited Proverbs 23:7, which states, âAs a man thinketh in his heart, so he is.â She also recommended a book written by James Allen in 1903 called Dealing with the Power of Thought. We become what we think. What do you think within yourself? Into what is it making you? Godâs thoughts are higher than ours.
Habits can be changed, broken, and built, but doing so requires real commitment. Starting is often the hardest part. So first, consider your âwhy:â Why do you want to change this? Intense change requires powerful motivation. Incentives and rewards can help reinforce new habits, but engagement in the idea in the first place makes things much easier. Next, consider the context and dynamics of the habit you want to change. Put yourself in situations that make it easier to repeat the new habit and resist the old one. Use your body to get where you need to be. (For example, if you want to go to the gym but also do not want to go, just stand up. Standing is not the same as going, and you can still not go once you stand up. Then walk toward the door. You still donât have to go; just walk toward the door. Perform one part of the process at a time without committing to the next step yet.) As you progress in your habit formation, find a way to give yourself small rewards such as praise from an accountability partner. Remove the barriers to success, and get some distance when you need it. (For example, if you need to get away from the refrigerator, walk around the block, etc.) Remind yourself that following the new path will get easier. (Often new habits gain more power after about twenty-one days of consistent repetition.) Be sure not to shame yourself; remember, your brain thinks it is helping you by trying to direct you toward old habits. There are costs to new behaviors, such as paying more for vegetables than for unhealthy foods, so find ways to adjust to the costs. Surround yourself with encouraging messages. Speak a Bible verse into your phone and play it for yourself throughout the day. And share the gift: help your children form good habits, positive routines, and healthy self-talk.
-
The past is hard for everyone. Some long for the past, while others want to erase or avoid it. Many of us want to erase parts of our pasts while holding onto others. But the key to dealing with the past is not romanticizing it or avoiding it; it is learning from it. Cinthia states today that âtime is either a guide into your future or a tormentor that canât be changed.â Which will you allow your past to be for you?
One of the reasons learning from the past can be tricky is that lots of factors impact our memory of it. Neuroscientists have found that people rarely remember the past with perfect accuracy. Sometimes family members seem to genuinely ârememberâ the same events very differently. How do we know what is fact and what is simply our experience or perception? One key is to be gentle with your past. Remember, the goal is not to live in the past or use it to judge ourselves or others. We do have to resist what we know is untrue. Rewriting the past is not helpful. We can face what we know and find the options we have with those things, like forgiving ourselves and others. Without facing our pasts, we tend to try to redo the same things over and over again. What do you need to learn in order to stop repeating the same mistakes and dynamics? You can borrow from the past, but donât live there.
We honor ourselves and the past when we learn things that help us going forward. Are there things about your past you can clarify? Time is something that we experience and observe. It relates to sequential events and changes. Memory of the past is useful when we learn from it but detrimental when we use it for self-flagellation. The past is not for beating up ourselves or others. Who do you need to forgive, including yourself?
Address the past, but realize that you are in the present. Repeating the same mistakes and dynamics, continually trying to get what we needed but did not get in the past, contaminates our future. Resist the compulsion to redo everything; allow the past to be over, even while you face it. Donât ignore the past. Do the work of self-forgiveness. Judging our past actions and judging our past selves are different things, just as judging othersâ actions and judging other human beings is different. Be willing to learn and forgive.
Remember, rules without relationships produce rebellion, and hypocrisy happens when we cannot live up to our own standards. God wants to work with you. He has seen your sin, your mistakes, your errors. If He Who is perfect can face what you have done, He can help you to face it. God has power and wisdom to work through all of this. He is not torn between acknowledging the reality of your evil actions and loving you; He has solved that problem. So how is God revealing Himself through you or to you? Is He doing it through your strengths or weaknesses? He wants us each to ask Him about what He is doing with us. We all have things in our past. But we donât have to let that get in the way of what God wants to do through us. Donât let shame get in the way of having a relationship with Him. Let Him lead you into being the version of you He intended you to be when He made you.
-
Todayâs topic is the neuroplasticity of the brain and how we can use it to take charge of our own thought processes. Cinthia opened today with a quote usually attributed to Albert Einstein: âInsanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.â We see the problems that occur with repeating behaviors that are not working, but what about our thoughts? Our brains create what are called âneural nets,â or networks of brain cells that learn to fire in succession in response to outside stimuli; these are often compared to superhighways in the brain. This creates habits of thought that we often do not even notice because we are so used to them. For example, the phone rings, and you see a particular name on the screen. What thoughts go through your head automatically? The stimulus happens, the thoughts begin⊠and, before you know it, you are traveling down that old familiar superhighway with its familiar assumptions and other habits of thought. And every time you travel the highway, it gets reinforced, becoming more entrenched and powerful in your brain and your life. Thus, our brains create these âcrazy-fastâ reactions to stimuli, but we can take control of this process and retrain our brains to respond differently.
Sarah Gibson has written about this concept with the old computer-inspired idea of GIGO: âGarbage in, garbage out.â We can, she emphasizes, decide what ideas to feed ourselves. We can decide which thoughts to dwell on. We can reroute the garbage truck, so to speak, and actively work to take the âtrashâ out of our brains. We can create bypasses to help us stop traveling the superhighways that are not helping us. God made our brains to work for us, not against us. Are you a lazy thinker? Challenge your own thoughts and feelings. Update and maintain your own roads. Take responsibility for the roads you travel. Clean up the negativities, the lies, the assumptions. Reroute the garbage truck. All of this is easier to say than to do, but it is well worth the work.
First, start to notice the neural nets that exist for you. In what areas do you quickly find yourself starting down a familiar thought/feeling/reaction path? Cinthia discussed her own struggle with mental âsuperhighwaysâ related to an eating disorder that began early in her life; for her, there are still triggers to follow a mental track related to fears of being fat, triggers she has to consciously and intentionally resist. We may have perceptions about why other people do what they do, and our thoughts on this reinforce our judgments and assumptions about others. Some people have superhighways related to fears of trusting anyone. Sometimes we think we know what will happen in a situation because we believe that is what âalwaysâ happens, but we may actually be overgeneralizing. What are your superhighways? What are your triggers to jump on those ramps, and what thoughts and feelings occur in response to those triggers?
Once you identify some patterns, the first thing to do is learn to pause. To continue our superhighway analogy, pull your mental âcarâ over into a safe spot and take a minute to examine what just happened and where you are now headed. Question your immediate emotional response. Seek different information. Find out what else there is to know. Clarify with the person who made a comment; what did they mean by that? Remember, our brains create these âcrazy-fastâ reactions based on emotional response. Remember, feelings are very real, but they are not always true. Donât believe everything you think!
We can retrain our reactions, but it is also important to recognize that some superhighways in our minds are so entrenched that we may struggle with them for a very long time, just as Cinthia described still having to resist eating-disordered thoughts decades after she has stopped living as an eating-disordered person. Especially when we are dealing with roads that were formed when we were young or roads that were formed through trauma or deep wounding, roads we have traveled for years or as a way to avoid other painful roads, there may always be a first reaction, an impulse to get on the ârampâ toward the series of thoughts and behaviors the brain has learned to enact in response to parts of life. The brain may still go to the old road automatically, but, remember, you can teach your brain to hit the brakes before heading down the superhighway. Work on construction of the new bypass system. Every time you travel the old roads, you make them stronger, but every time you take yourself down a new path, you help to construct and strengthen that new route. We have more control over our own thoughts than we give ourselves credit for.
One thing that can help us as we try to build new roads is a back-to-basics approach toward what is important. This approach stresses simplicity, focuses on the essentials, and proactively moves us toward the things that make the most difference. It helps us do what matters instead of getting bogged down in unnecessary complexity. If you think simplifying life could help you, consider these practical steps:
Identify the things that add unnecessary complexity, busy-ness, and overwhelm to your life and work. What really matters to you, and what hijacks your time and energy away from those things?Create a plan to reduce or eliminate those things. (This may involve some grief and loss.)Identify things that are most efficient and effective, the things that make the most difference toward helping you accomplish what really matters.Create a plan to maximize those things.Put boundaries in place to protect these changes.Cinthia shared several verses from Proverbs that offer simple principles we can use to identify what is helping or hurting us, including Proverbs 10:9, 10:17, 14:15, 16:25, 27:6, and 27:12. She also offered some questions to ask ourselves, such as the following: Have I considered the possible outcomes for my course of action, or am I just excited about an idea and hoping that it works? Do I think I am the exception to a rule in some area? Sometimes we need to relearn basic truths about God in order to be able to let go of things that are getting in the way of what is best for us. Godâs heart is never geared toward depriving us or taking away what is truly good; He wants the best for us. But sometimes we hold on to what we think is best, and it keeps us from enjoying the gifts He really wants to give us. So find some verses or sayings and implement them into your life. Remind yourself of what you know. Donât just let life happen to you. Be committed to yourselfâto your actual good, not your immediate gratification. The more committed you are to yourself, the less it will take to maintain and care for yourself over time.
-
Human beings are locked in time while we live on the earth, and we used to know it. The sun went down, and people could no longer see to continue working, which meant they had to end the dayâs work and rest. Time used to pace us, just as our bodies used to do. Now, however, we seem to be in a game against time. Our technology allows us to multitask at unprecedented levels. We move faster and are not even aware of the moments in which we exist. We regret the past, reliving what we cannot change, and we rush ahead into the future, planning and conquering moments that have not yet arrived -- and, when they do arrive, we are already in the next set of moments. Our minds can go places that our bodies cannot go, and our bodies are exhausted by struggling and being left behind. We watch each other dissociate, splitting ourselves and failing to be present where we are; this is hard on our psyches.
Time is a set condition, albeit one we fail to honor in the modern era. Time is on its own journey and has its own calling. It is bound by Something much bigger than we are. We are under the impression now that we manage and control time, but, in reality, we can only respect or disrespect it. We are arrogant to think that we can control time; this is a containment issue. It is tragic to die without having lived, but how can we take advantage of time when we do not respect it? Time is on our side, in a way; its existence means that we each have time. Would you find it easy to waste what you knew was yours, or would you capitalize on it? The existence of time gives each of us time to change, time to live, time to seek God, time to spend. God does not often tell us how much time we each have, but we only have so much. Time is like a Rubikâs cube; no matter how we work it, we never seem to be able to get it the way we really want it to be.
Learning to respect time involves learning to accept the past as something we cannot change. We must learn to forgive our parents and others who made mistakes that hurt us, and it often helps to recognize that most of them probably wanted to do well by us. The present can be changed, but the past has to be faced, healed, forgiven, accepted, etc.
There is a difference between living and existing. Learning to respect time means learning to appreciate the amazing fact that God uses us to reveal Himself. He may do it through our strengths or our weaknesses, but there is no greater purpose. He is a God of paradox, though not of moral contradictions. God can work through all or none of what we have. He is a God of relationship who deals well with the gray areas and the complications, despite His own perfection and faithfulness.
Cinthia discussed an article by Steve Bloom in which he pointed out that we often go through our days as if we had no power to change our lives for the better. Drifting through life can seem like less work, but it is quite lonely and, in the long-run, more difficult than using time well. Have you ever tried to dance with someone who will not dance? The difference between living and existing has a lot to do with how much control you have over your own life and from where you see that control coming. There is a difference between hoping and steering. We do not get to determine everything that comes our way, but we do get to decide whether we show up and how much control to give to different emotions, etc. Merely existing can involve staying in lives we dislike simply out of a lack of hope. Cinthia stated, âI would rather you mess up and have a story about how you messed up than to have no story.â Coveting othersâ lives and blessings can also be a way of wasting our own time.
Time is always going the same way, and there will be a day when it stops. Time is something you own in a sense; it is your time. We can think of our days as tickets we spend. Are you learning the lessons that time is trying to teach you so that you can move on to the next lesson? The hallmark of a fool is that he never hears; he is so caught up in his own way of thinking that he repeats his own folly and just blames others. Each of us dies as a sole person.
Time is a gift from God, and using time wisely is a way of honoring the Giver. Do you love the gift more than the Giver? Do you want His blessings more than you want Him? What does God have to show you about time? What most tempts you to waste time? You cannot know how much time you have, but there is a limit. Time is a friend; it paces us, directs us, shows us the next steps. There will come a day when there is no time; we will be timeless. But right now you have today. Do the things that need to be done in time.
-
When we do not take responsibility for being the best versions of ourselves, we often move toward pleasure to mitigate the pain. Now, pleasure is not bad -- itâs great, actually. But pleasure always has a price. Sometimes the price is worth paying, but, when we are using pleasure to mitigate pain, we often pay more than we acknowledge ourselves to be losing for our pleasure. Not only that, but we inflict a cost on others, sometimes without even being aware we are doing it.
A primary concept in todayâs broadcast is that good character understands and respects the price of pleasure. Furthermore, good character qualities actually produce emotional, intellectual, spiritual, relational, and physical benefits. Consider the price of an addiction to yourself and to others versus the cost and eventual benefits of sobriety. Becoming a sober-minded person also has a cost, but, in the long-run, the gain is larger and the cost (for you and for others) less than that of continuing to be dominated by addiction as a way to deal with pain.
Pain is real. Pain management, when done morally, is the best antidote and possible cure for pain in this living world. It isnât easy, though; thatâs the problem. What do you need to do to deal with your pain? How do you do that? And what is your alternative? How much does it cost you to constantly be wanting to feel good, to need pleasure and propping up at all times? Pain is real, but is your antidote too costly for you and others? Consistently moving toward pleasure, especially pleasure without work, causes you to be a deductor rather than a contributor in othersâ lives. Do you show up at the party wanting only to receive, or do you show up expecting to contribute in some way to the overall positive experience that people have there? We can even have this attitude about salvation, appreciating Jesusâs death and resurrection for our salvation but not doing much to help others experience His love since our salvation is covered.
Cinthia read II Timothy 3:1-5 from the New Living Translation, which includes a lengthy list of disturbing character traits that would become prevalent in the last days, and an encouragement not to invest our time and energy in relationships with people who primarily influence us toward those things. Human beings influence one another. We teach each other by example, give license to each other by what we do. We learn from each other all the time. In the modern era we tend to reject the idea that we each have a responsibility to society, confusing it with codependency or carrying the world on our shoulders. But we each have influence, and we each have a responsibility to own that influence. We all lead and follow, teach and are taught, even when we strive not to do one of those things. Doing any of them well requires humility. Your life really matters. Even if you donât want to be seen, that sends a message. Bad behaviors weaken the person we were meant to be. You are a once-occurring person in the history of the universe, and you are responsible for the version of yourself that you choose to be and for the ways that influences those around you.
Discernment is important, and we can learn to be more discerning. Discernment involves learning to see what is beneath the surface, judging well, seeing past illusions into the reality that underlies them. It involves seeing things that are easy to overlook, things that appear to be inconsequential. It also involves knowing when to ignore the loudest part of what is happening when that part is only a distraction from more important pieces. Discernment is considered a virtue in Christianity. It gives us the ability to identify the voice of Wisdom and follow her at any cost. James 1:5 says that, if anyone lacks wisdom, he should ask God. The Holy Spirit can give us wisdom. One way to practice discernment is to pay attention to information from all three âbrains:â the head, the heart, and the gut. The head helps us with factual information, logic, making sense of things. The heart experiences feelings, which give us information our brains may not have noticed and help us sort out levels of importance. The gut can alert us to warning signals of which the head and heart were not aware. Discernment requires time; it works best when you do not rush into judgments.
Remember, discernment helps us recognize wisdom so we can follow her regardless of the cost. Crave discernment. Take your time, and donât rush into judgment, even of yourself. Ask God for wisdom, and let your Creator help you to become the version of yourself that He meant you to be.
-
Do you reject compliments, explaining why you donât really deserve them? Do you get nervous when someone does something nice for you, turn down offers of help even when you could really use them, or hate the feeling you get when someone forgives you or extends grace and kindness your way? Todayâs show is on letting other people love you.
It can be scary and humbling to let someone love you and give you grace. The enemy (i.e., Satan) will try to exploit this by encouraging you to think that you are in a one-down position. Sometimes it is easier to accept good things from a stranger because we do not worry there will be an ongoing obligation in the relationship. But grace, kindness, forgiveness, and help are meant to be gifts of honor. Do not insult the person trying to honor you by rejecting that honor.
So how do we honor the gifts of love others give us? Well, if we are gifted forgiveness, grace, and covering, change is the best response. Grace helps us have energy to get up again and do it right, to fix what we have broken, to undo what we have done. Allow people to love you when you mess up. Love covers a multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8). Covering often sounds negative to us because we confuse it with toxic secrecy or enabling. The kind of covering that God does for us, however, is not like this; it is a gift of grace meant to protect us while we are working on repentance and change. Think of covering wounds while they heal; we do not just bleed all over the house and allow the wounds to be open and exposed to further harm. We cover wounds appropriately to help them heal. Covering or hiding as a gift of grace means that those who love us choose not to expose our ugliness while we work on repentance and change, knowing that change takes time. God gives more because He has endurance people do not. Covering is not permission to keep deepening the wound; covering is beautiful.
If we are given courtesy or help, we can offer a sincere thank-you. Do not insult the person offering good because you are uncomfortable. Give courtesy and graciousness in exchange. Accept the gesture and be grateful for the thought. Good boundaries will help with this; do not try to read the personâs mind or assume their expectations without knowing them. If there is a motive, you are not obligated to recognize it unless they tell you. Unless you have real reason to believe they want something in return (e.g., the person has a history of trying to put you in his/her debt, or there are clear signs of a scam in play), then you cannot read minds to figure it out. You can, however, be nice. You can be polite, gracious, forgiving. âOur Father is kind; you be kind [Luke 6:36, The Message version].â Cinthia continues, âKindness supports peace, and peace loves to linger. See, peace is a quality that expands. Kindness is a quality that is catching. God is a God of peace. Heâs always going to war with the people that are harming us. And there needs to be that protection, and Heâs able to restore and protect and to save those that are oppressed, harmed, wounded, injured.â So be gracious in your responses to others, and do not allow suspicion to steal the joy of the gift. If you find later that someone had ulterior motives (e.g., wanted something in return), you can say ânoâ then. You can say, âI wish you would have told me you were needing/wanting something in return. What can I do?â And if you cannot do what they want, you can tell the person that you will not be able to accept help from him/her in the future.
Cinthia discussed I Corinthians 13 and encouraged little ways to give kindness and spread mercy and truth. She also encouraged self-forgiveness, explaining, âThe only reason for having baggage is not having attended to it; move on,â and, âYouâre going to be able to love deeply if you also forgive yourself.â
Finally, Cinthia discussed Attachment Theory, which therapists use to discuss how humans attach, and how the motives behind a tendency to reject love often have to do with fear. She discussed the messages people with avoidant or ambivalent attachment styles can send others, such as, âCome here; go away,â and, âI could take or leave you.â She discussed both fear of rejection and fear of acceptance, explaining that God has made humans to need connection and that our defensive structures try to protect us from the pain of not being connected, as well as the pain of being connected, which is also threatening. Our defensive structures protect us too well; our radars give us false readings. We try to protect ourselves from harm, but we protect ourselves from what we need. There are scary implications for acceptance â fear of relationship, commitment, being loved or wanted, fear of the future, coming to depend on someone and then getting rejected, etc. â But the attempt to avoid this pain and loneliness tend to encourage a constant level of pain and loneliness. Are you ambivalent about relationships? Some part of you really wants connection, but it really frightens another part of you.
Cinthia recalled the âFalse Evidence Appearing Realâ definition of fear and encouraged identifying the core beliefs behind our fears of accepting good from other people. For example, one might say to himself, âIâm not a good risk. Iâm not going to do this -- all Iâll get is let down. Iâm just going to keep working on myself by myself until I feel confident enough to put myself out there.â Cinthia recalled struggling with her own core beliefs about herself and realizing that part of acceptance was accepting herself. She explained that God finally said to her, âCinthia, I didnât consult you when I created you. I made you for me. Iâm happy with you. I like the way I made you. Iâm excited to spend eternity with you, Cinthia. So you can either get on the same page as me, or you can be miserable until you come home.â This led her to work on accepting the things she could not control, picking battles differently, getting stuck on fewer things, letting things go, etc.
We need to know the God Who loves us and to begin to accept ourselves. The more I accept myself, the safer I am to other people. The fears of acceptance and rejection never go away until heaven, so we need to let people love us.
-
Today's topic is devotion, devotions, and the interaction between the two. Devotion has to do with love, loyalty, enthusiasm for someone or something, faithfulness, fidelity, and even strong emotional attachment. It can also have to do with religious worship or observance. A devotion can be a quiet time spent praying, reading the Bible, reflecting, singing, journaling, or making time for something or someone to which or to whom you are devoted.Devotion is not always intentional. We may find ourselves devoted to a variety of things, some of them dangerous, foolish, or simply not worthy of the level of devotion we give them. Cinthia reflected that, in the 1980's, she was devoted to Diet Pepsi and smoking; this was evidenced by the time, energy, resources, and obsession she put toward these things. She would not have called this "devotion" at the time, but that is what it was. Intentional devotion times can help us intentionally grow our devotion to the things to which we want to devote ourselves. Investing our time, energy, focus, and resources in something attaches us to that thing, and our decision to invest that way reveals our devotion. To what does your life show you are devoted? How much time and energy do you pour into that thing? The things to which we devote ourselves control our lives, and once you devote to something, it is hard to undo it. We can experience chronic disappointment or discouragement, cynicism, a tendency to hurry through spiritual practices. Do you become unreasonably upset if you miss a workout? Do you find yourself more devoted to religion than to the God behind it?If you want to practice spiritual devotions, be aware that there is no magic formula for making them feel rapturous all the time. Devotion means that we are practicing devoting ourselves, and this does not always feel like magic. But there is great power in the regular practice of ordinary devotions. The Holy Spirit gives us tiny tastes sometimes of what it will be like to connect with Him in eternity, and it leaves us longing for more. But the daily disciplines of Bible reading, prayer, courtesy to others, managing our own emotions, etc., do not always carry those same sense of spark. They are soul exercise, shaping our souls like physical exercise shapes our bodies. They increase strength and endurance. They force us to attend to things beyond our own distractions, self-indulgence, and unhealthy obsessions. They give God space in which to get through to us. Engaging with the Word of God is like fight training; the more time we spend with the Sword of the Spirit (i.e., His Word), the more skilled we will become as spiritual warriors.In some ways this can be like marriage. When people first fall in love, devotion to one another may come easily. Being together feels like magic, like bliss, like experiencing ourselves and the world like we have always longed to experience those things, even if we never knew it. But, as time goes on, learning to spend ordinary, not-always-exciting life together involves discipline, and that discipline ultimately increases our capacity to delight in one another when the "fireworks" times appear. Cultivating the light in one another, intentionally pursuing one another throughout all kinds of life circumstances, increases our ability to experience the exciting parts of marriage at other times. Similarly, it's ok if there is often no special spark in your daily devotions, if they don't usually feel like magic. They still build who you are. So don't let them get crowded out or get apathetic and "whip through them." Jesus wants us to see Him and savor Him. Only the eyes of faith can see Him. Faith is not blind, but unbelief is. Faith is seeing the reality that unbelieving eyes cannot see. The Bible says that faith comes from hearing and hearing through the Word of Christ (Romans 10:17). Daily devotions train our faith eyes, and this is important in order for us to be able to see the glory of God in our world. They realign our thinking with His, sometimes very gradually.Devotions actually help us to be more ourselves. As Cinthia explains, "I was God's idea," which means that she and we need to be in line with what He meant for each of us to be in order to fulfill the purposes for which he made us. Packer notes, "Our God is a God Who not only restores, but takes up our mistakes and follies into His plans for us and brings good out of them." So, Cinthia explains, devotions are not just about dry religion or duty, even when they feel somewhat ordinary or dry. "It's about knowing the God Who created you and was excited about you when He did it," she says, "...the God that wants to come alongside you and help you be the best version of you so that you actually enjoy yourself as much as He enjoys you, and that you can find some power, you can find some comfort in being with yourself." Devotions increase our access to the bigger picture and our commitment to it.For some, classic devotional books can really help by giving us a framework of beautiful truths to implant deeply in our hearts. Three of Cinthia's favorites are The Red Sea Rules, Jesus Calling, and Streams in the Desert. Cinthia closed today by sharing some insights from these books, including one from Psalm 77:19 and one from Exodus 14:1-2. She also shared one from I Kings 12:24, in which God states, "This thing is from Me." She read an excerpt about how this applies to our lives, too, since God often brings or allows things that do not make sense to us but always makes a way through them. From The Red Sea Rules, she shared these reflections on that passage: We keep our eyes on Christ, and He always makes a way. "Life's disappointments are veiled Love's appointments." "Grieve not for things you seemed to miss/ The thing I send is best for thee."Sometimes we have to delight in cultivation. The more we seek after God, the more we know Him. Trusting God does not always feel good or logical, but the more we seek after Him, the more we know Him. God is a God Who does not lie. The one who seeks Him finds Him -- and finds God was seeking him or her first. Devotions are a way to practice devoting ourselves, attaching ourselves, shaping ourselves, conforming ourselves to what we love. To what are you devoting yourself?
-
Like it or not, humans need to attach to other humans. We may not want to need that; we may associate it with pain and fear, or may simply not have developed the skills to attach well. We may actually push away the very thing we need. But it doesnât stop us from needing to be loved, seen, understood by someone. Today Cinthia challenged us to let âthemâ (i.e., other human beings who are willing to extend grace and give kindness) love us â to accept compliments with a smile and a âthank you,â to receive gifts offered, to allow those who love us to support us as we change.God is with us while we are in the process of change. We may want to run from ourselves and our sins, but He is willing to be with us and help us while we change, even while we are fighting Him. He extends grace and mercy without limit during our lives, but we may find that others have limits and will only keep trying for so long if we continue to push them away from us. Allow those who love you to support you as you change.Sometimes it is easier to accept kindness from strangers than from people who are close to us. This may be because the temporary nature of our relationship with strangers serves as a built-in boundary that does not exist in our more substantial relationships. We can, however, develop our own boundaries so that we are able to accept kindness from those closest to us. And the better your boundaries are, the more loving you can be toward others. Don't expect something in return when you are giving kindness to others. Don't allow suspicion to steal from you when accepting a gift. You are not responsible for strings and expectations that were not communicated or obvious. You cannot read minds. You can simply enjoy it. Don't decide for others what they are expecting in return.Do you fear there are strings attached to accepting a kindness? You don't have to read the person's mind. If someone appears to be offering kindness, you have the option to accept it. If it turns out that there are strings attached, you can address it when you find out that is the case. You can say, "I wish I had known you were wanting this. What can I do now?" You can explain that you will not be able to accept that person's gifs in the future if the gifts come with similar expectations. Most of the time, however, the payment that means the most to people who extend grace and mercy is continuing to live as a changed person. So say, "Thank you." Accept the compliment. Say, "That means a lot to me," or, "That really helps." Don't insult the person trying to extend good to you by believing your own negative feelings more than their kindness. Accepting simple kindness does not mean you owe the person something. As an adult, you can stop accepting love from someone if it turns out to be problematic. You can even walk away without judging. You can have boundaries without allowing your heart to become corrupted. The world has changed, but God is still doing big, cool things. God is kind. You be kind. Kindness supports peace, and peace loves to linger. It loves to calm things down. God is a God of peace. He goes to war for very specific reasons, many of which have to do with rescuing the oppressed, but He loves peace. Read or reread I Corinthians 13. Practice the Love Chapter on yourself. It feels weird, but it is very powerful when you are willing to forgive yourself and be understanding. It may be a cliche to say that you have to love yourself first, but people truly have a need to be seen, claimed, and accepted. (And remember, acceptance of a person does not mean agreement with that person's decisions. Acceptance of yourself does not mean agreeing with all your own decisions.) Peace is a quality that expands. Kindness is a quality that is catching. The way that we love people has much to do with our own insecurities and judgments. We may put a lot of conditions on our love for others, just as we do with our love for ourselves. When we practice loving ourselves the way God does, we develop the ability to love others with that love. God covered Adam and Eve. Covering involves hiding something unattractive or something that misrepresents or convolutes the nature or something else. Covering does not mean that the sin doesn't matter; it simply gives an opportunity to fix it. Love doesn't want to expose your sin; it loves to help you get better so that you don't have to be embarrassed. This is very different than keeping secrets that only enable sin to continue or grow. Covering or hiding is a gift of grace. There are times with some people when we have to recognize that grace is being misunderstood as permission or opportunity to keep sinning, and we have to respond accordingly. But the kind of covering that love does is beautiful. It's a beautiful thing that a perfect God is willing to be with us, cover us, help us change. It is beautiful when we do that for one another in appropriate ways. Allow those who love you to support you while you work on becoming the best version of yourself. Let the love extended to you help to heal your heartaches and shame. Blocks to receiving can cause us to be hurt more and to hurt others more. We push away the very thing that we need. Perfectionism will keep us from getting what we need, whether we direct it toward ourselves or insist others be perfect before we trust them with anything at all. You are here for a reason. God is not surprised. It is important for you to find out what God has put in you to change the world you are in.
-
What does it take to be attractive? Often we think of characteristics that are beyond our control or measures that require lots of time and money. Some changes would even require compromises to a personâs value system. Is attractiveness something that most of us are doomed to miss, or that we can have only briefly before age takes it away from us? Today Cinthia explains that attractiveness can be defined as âpleasing or appealing to the senses,â a definition that is far more within-reach than we might think. It doesnât require looking like a model, being wealthy, or compromising oneâs value system. Instead, it is about the experience people have when they interact with you. Some of the traits are physical; cleanliness, for example, is more likely to please the senses of another person than poor hygiene. But even our physical characteristics are often made more or less attractive by things like our facial expressions, manners, and other ways of presenting ourselves. So how do we make ourselves attractive?
We start by observing what we are currently attracting. What types of people tend to be in your life? What are you attracting, and what information does this give you about the way you may be presenting yourself in the world? If you want to attract something different than what you have been attracting, what changes might you need to make?
We continue by considering the experience others have when they are around us or when they have us in their lives. This is not about trying to figure out someone elseâs ideal and match it; itâs simply about self-awareness regarding the way our choices impact those around us. What is it like to be around you, to have a conversation with you, to build a life with you, to have you for a friend? Are you generally friendly, angry, bitter, dismissive, genuine, loving, confident, needy? Are you kind, gentle, willing to do what needs to be done? Are you courteous, brave, patient? Do you try to disappear? What is the âaromaâ that your way of handling yourself and treating others tends to leave in a room? Are your comments caustic, life-giving, sarcastic, insightful, unnecessary, unheard? What is the experience of being around you like for others?
Some of becoming attractive does have to do with the way we care for ourselves physically, though it does not require physical perfection or obsession with wrinkles or the number on a scale. For example, if oneâs physical appearance indicates a lack of respect for self or others of others (e.g., poor personal hygiene, generally neglecting oneâs health and/or grooming, etc.), that personâs appearance will be less appealing to others â not because it fails to achieve the cultural idea but because it fails to signal respect. Similarly, physical perfection that seems almost mask-like can be off-putting even while it is intriguing. Our outer selves can reflect our inner selves in ways that are appealing or unappealing. Have you ever been drawn to someoneâs face because of the kindness in it? The confidence? The humor? We tend to think everyone sees us as we see ourselves, feels what we feel, and knows what we know. But other people are often more concerned with their own internal experiences than they are with ours, and they only have the information about us that we give them. So, if we want others to find themselves drawn to us, we should treat our bodies respectfully. Beyond that, someone who wants to be recognized as a professional may need to dress professionally. Someone who wants others to feel safe around them may need to avoid styles that others find shocking, frightening, or repulsive. A style or look can say, âPay attention to me,â âStay away from me,â âProtect me,â or, âDonât bother me.â How do you feel about yourself and the world, and does the way you prepare yourself for the day reflect this? Whether we like it or not, our looks can be an unnecessary barrier to others; donât cultivate a look that others cannot get past. Are you willing to put in the work to make your outside match your inside? Are you using your physical appearance to hide who you are by discouraging people from getting to know you? Remember, also, that the way you dress will affect your own cognitive functioning (as studies have shown) and mood. Honor yourself and those with whom you associate by caring for your appearance in a healthy, appropriate way.
What about attraction in marriage â what if you are not attracted to your spouse, or your spouse is not attracted to you? Attraction can be lost, gained, and altered. It may not be healthy to try to be someone you are not in order to match your spouseâs ideal, but neither is it healthy to expect your spouse to âget overâ having to deal with your vulgarity, selfishness, immaturity, or disrespect. What is it like to be married to you? What experiences do you and your spouse give to each other?
Attraction is also impacted by what it is like to be associated with someone; we reflect on one another. This does not mean that we should control one another as a form of image management, but it does mean that we do not display ridiculous, insensitive behavior and then expect those close to us not to feel embarrassed by it. Those who join together do, in some ways, represent each other. So read the room. Do not make jokes that others find hurtful or consistently irritating. Pay some attention to whether an affair is black-tie or casual. You do not have to impress everyone positively, but enjoying impressing them negatively can be hard on the people who associate themselves with you. Remember, too, that you represent yourself and that, if you belong to God, you represent Him.
Humans are so complicated. Attraction can be very complex. Itâs really a mystery. Itâs a feeling, a sense, a feeling in your body of relaxing around that person or looking forward to being around them. Some qualities are always attractive to humans, while others like disrespect, vulgarity, immaturity, selfishness, etc., are pretty consistently unattractive. Interaction produces feelings in other people. Selfishness is like arsenic for all relationships. We need to be aware of what bugs the people to whom we are close. Itâs not about popularity, focusing on being liked, etc. We donât need to pressure ourselves to present a perfect image. Instead of thinking you have to watch every detail, think about the overall responses you are getting from people. Are you being honest with yourself and others in what you communicate through your dress, behavior, etc.?
A happy disposition can also be attractive, and, while we donât necessarily want to fake being happy or ignore our other real feelings, there are ways to increase our own general happiness. Cinthia reviewed a list of things we can give up in order to increase personal happiness and, thereby, attractiveness:
-the need to change someone else so you can be right
-the need to control
-blaming others (Cinthia shared the saying, âA man can fail many times, but he isnât a failure until he begins to blame someone else.)
-self-defeating self-talk (The mind is a superb instrument when used rightly.)
-false beliefs (referring not so much to ideas held by the mind but to those ideas that hold the mind)
-complaining (Christian D Lawrence noted that we can complain that roses have thorns or be grateful that thorns have roses.)
-trying to get others to make you feel what you want to feel
-the need to impress others (Let them have the fun of impressing you! Remember, adults go into situations with their egos in check and do not need to be the best at everything.)
-resistance to change (Not all change is positive, but be aware of why you are resisting a particular change.)
-labels (These are often limiting, so be really careful about assumptions.)
Remember, attractiveness is not only about appearance. Be yourself, but be a version of yourself that honors who you are and the impact you have on those around you.
-
We all have problems with trust. We want to trust. We get scared to trust. Some of us resist trusting, as if we could get through a single day without trusting anyone or anything. We have all found ourselves to be untrustworthy at times. Some of us trust too easily, layering our hopes on things that have not proven themselves worthy of it. Most of us trust the wrong things at some point. âTrust is a word I understand,â says Cinthia, âuntil I actually have to do it. It doesnât feel like a heavy word until I actually have to carry it.â Today Cinthia opens her conversation on trust with Proverbs 3:5-7 and Numbers 23:19.
Cinthia cites the following concept by Henry Morris: âFaith is a noun; trust is a verb.â Faith is something we possess; trust is an action. As an example, she discusses events in 1859 when Charles Blondin became the first man to cross Niagara Falls on a tightrope. Thousands of spectators developed faith in his abilities as they watched him cross a 1,300-foot tightrope, only two inches in diameter. He walked. He ran. He set up a box camera and took pictures of the crowd from the tightrope. He walked backward and blindfolded. He back-flipped. He made an omelet. He did all these things on the tightrope over Niagara Falls before cheering crowds who increasingly had faith that he could do them. But the one who put his active trust in Blondin was his manager Colcord, who rode on Blondinâs back and was carried across the tightrope himself. Blondin told Colcord not to make any attempts to balance himself on the ride but to abandon himself to Blondin for that time, swaying with Him and trusting Blondin to do all the balancing. Colcord actively placed his trust in Blondin and rode safely across the falls. The crowd had faith; Colcord trusted. This is a beautiful picture of what it means to trust God; beyond simply holding beliefs about Him, we actively entrust ourselves to Him, learning to sway when He sways and abandon our own attempts at control. Also, notes Cinthia, we learn to trust Him to do the day we are doing right now, not worry about the next event.
It is popular in our society to encourage people to trust themselves, but trust should always be placed in something worthy of it. For that reason, trust always needs to start and stop with God, not ourselves. God does want us to learn to trust His ability to work through us, become more trustworthy people, and enjoy confidence in the strength He gives us. But using ourselves as the ultimately bedrock of trust is foolish unless we are perfect, and none of us are. Cinthia sums it up this way: âMy trust always needs to start and stop with God, not myself. I trust in God as He is making me into a more trustworthy person.â He knows, she explains, that this will take time and be hard. Humans need time, struggle, and so many other things to become more trustworthy, and the task will not be completed fully in this life. The process of becoming more trustworthy is important. We have a responsibility to work toward becoming more trustworthy for ourselves and others.
So what about trusting others? Practically speaking, we have to give the gift of trust to someone; we cannot get through life without doing so. While we cannot place faith in people as if they were our gods, we do give the gift of trust to mistake-making, fallen people, including ourselves. Jesus was able to trust His disciples because He trusted His Father first. He did not make them the foundation of His identity, but He did place some things in their hands. We should choose whom to trust carefully, noticing things like whether they own their mistakes and make them right, and we should work toward becoming more worthy of trust ourselves. But we should not trust everyone all the time. We can even like people and not trust them. Colcord did not trust Blondin because Blondin made the idea sound good; Blondin had practiced his whole life and repeatedly demonstrated his trustworthiness before Colcord rode on his back. But humans are always a risk.
Each of us has places in our lives in which it is particularly hard to trust God. What seems natural and logical to us may not have the stamp of God on it. Cinthia reflects on her own questions about why God gifted her as a musical performer but led her away from life as a full-time performer. But, she says, we must trust in Who God is, not in the circumstances around us. Many of us have so much information about God, but do we actually trust in Who He is? Do we actually let Him be God in our lives? It is incredible that we dare not trust Him when He is so trustworthy, so active, so amazingly loving and beyond us. He is doing everything, working day and night. But many of us get disappointed by various kinds of loss. We all have ideas of how things should be, and life does not always turn out in those ways. We cannot understand all our circumstances, but we can actively place our trust in Who He is. What are the hardest areas for you to trust God? Is it hard to trust Him with your kids? With believing He has forgiven you? With your career or relationship status? With your health? With your identity? With your fears? With helping you to forgive others? With the letting go of an addiction for a day at a time? The middle verse in the Bible is Psalm 118:8, which says, âIt is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.â Cinthia encourages memorizing this verse and others, such as Numbers 23:19; Psalm 2:12; 5:11; 30:4; 34:22; 56:3, Proverbs 3:5-7;16:20; and 29:25. The more our faith is in God, the more trustworthy we ourselves will be. The more we trust God, the more we can change the world.
-
Anger is a gift that helps us survive and protect, but it can also be used to destroy or to protect the wrong things in the wrong ways. Especially when paired with fear, anger can enable us to do things we would not or could not otherwise do. The adrenaline it triggers to flow through our bodies can energize us, helping us to confront wrongs and face fears that need to be faced -- look at all the improvements that have been made because someone got sick and tired of the way things were! Unfortunately, anger can also be used to scare, manipulate, intimidate, and take advantage of others. It can enable us to act as if we are superior to those around us, to avoid accountability or the need to follow rules. It can influence others to accept bad behavior. When anger and fear are paired together, they can annihilate a relationship. Violence â even verbal or emotional violence -- is hard to repair. Misdirected anger and anger expressed without morality can even be deadly. When a person settles into anger as an ongoing emotional state, it can dominate all of life. Such ongoing anger is very hard on the body since the body is not meant to absorb adrenaline constantly, and it is brutal on relationships.
There are lots of misconceptions about anger, such as that anger is a bad emotion, one that healthy people donât feel. Some people fear their own anger so much that they have trouble finding it, perhaps even allowing themselves to be mistreated regularly rather than get mad enough to confront the situation. Some are embarrassed by their own anger or think it is not Christian to be angry, but this is not biblical. In fact, anger is simply an emotion and, as such, is neither good nor bad in and of itself. Anger is normal (though living angry is not and should not be). The failure to manage anger appropriately is what brings harm, not the anger itself. Anger does not take away our choices; it simply energizes us to carry out the choices we make. Anger can give us the courage to set boundaries appropriately, or it can prompt us to ignore the reasonable boundaries of others or the boundaries that exist for us.
Anger is a defense mechanism intended to keep us and others safe. You do not have to feel powerless to your anger. When you have a grasp on it, you can make sure it doesnât control you. Anger has its own patterns, and these can give insight about yourself. Acknowledge and assess your own anger; this helps you know what to do to manage it well. Make sure you are aware of all your emotions (happy, mad, sad, scared) and that these are integrated so that you are not using one to avoid another; for example, donât use anger to avoid feeling sadness. Learn ways to manage your anger and to express it constructively. Deep breathing may seem like a clichĂ©, but remember that oxygen helps your body to absorb adrenaline instead of simply releasing more; this allows reason and logic to return. Learn to remove yourself from situations when necessary. Make needed changes in lifestyle. Talk to yourself about your anger in ways that are true and helpful (e.g., âI can express anger appropriately, and I can stay calm. I can relax my body. I can take deep breaths to give my brain oxygen.â). Consider times that you have seen anger handled well, and learn from those. Journal. Talk to yourself in the mirror, role-playing how you might handle situations.
As an acrostic to help you remember what it looks like when anger is used productively, Cinthia suggested the following: When anger is done right, it can beâŠ
Awesome as it paves the way for deeper connectionN- Nice if you speak the truth with kindness
G- (Resulting in) Good as you seek win-win-solutions
E- Energy-creating as it frees you to move forward instead of getting stuck
R- (You become) Real when you are honest with yourself and others
When done wrong, however, anger can beâŠ
Aggressive, fighting only to win and not listenN- (Accomplishing) Nothing
G- Greedy
E- (Too) Easy, allowing us to dump our problems on others instead of doing the work to deal with them.
R- (Feels so) Right when I am unloading on someone, feeling self-righteous, unleashing my feelings without building anything up
Remember, anger is neither good or bad; itâs how we handle it. So how do you handle it? What happens in your life when you give yourself over to anger? Do you leave the room or hang up the phone? Swear? Shut down? Change the subject? Gossip? Play the martyr? Withhold affection? Deny the problem or other parts of reality? Accuse? Name-call? Do you tend toward aggression, passivity, passive-aggression? Ask others what your anger feels like to them. Then describe a time you have witnessed anger done right. What did you see? What do you want to learn to do with your anger? Remember, anger done right helps relationships to thrive. Learn the difference between the satisfaction that comes from well-handled anger and the immediate gratification that comes from acting like a toddler or teenager. What would it be like to learn to face your anger? Anger is a gift that can help keep you alive, but you donât need to defend yourself from everyone. Own your anger. Take responsibility for the times you have handled it poorly. Start to integrate the following elements in your approach to anger: Be honest. Be kind. Slow things down. (E.g., Step back physically. Breathe. Assure the other person that there is time for discussion rather than urgency to say everything quickly.) Listen. Empathize, even if you donât agree. Seek a win-win solution. Compromise where possible without going against your value system. Anger can help you survive without serving as a tool for pushing down other people.
-
Today Cinthia welcomes Peter Rosenberger to talk about his newest book, A Minute For Caregivers: When Every Day Feels Like Monday. As his website www.hopeforthecaregiver.com explains, Peter has been a caregiver to his wife Gracie for about four decades now since a tragic car accident at age 17 changed the direction of her life. Gracie has had more than 85 surgeries at this point, including the amputation of both legs below the knee, and continues to face daunting medical challenges. (In fact, she and Peter will be spending this Christmas in the hospital.) Gracie has started a prosthetic limb outreach to amputees in West Africa called Standing With Hope and has continued her music career despite her ongoing challenges. Peter, meanwhile, in addition to caring for Gracieâs practical needs, working with doctors, hospitals, and insurance companies, and grappling with millions of dollars in medical bills, has started a ministry to other caregivers called Hope for the Caregiver. He initially introduced a book by that name, has a podcast with 800 episodes to date, and regularly keeps engagements and media interviews. Peter has accompanied Gracieâs music and performs his own music, as well. His most recent book is a set of encouraging essays for caregivers who (as Peter knows) may not have large amounts of time to devote to reading but who commonly struggle with isolation and the loss of their own independence and identity. His conversation with Cinthia brims with hope and encouragement, partly because it so honestly acknowledges the ongoing pain and the difficult prognosis that impacts his life with Gracie. Although, unfortunately, the first segment of todayâs show fell to technical difficulties, the remaining segments of the show are available intact and packed with hope.
Peter encourages caregivers to increase their situational awareness and to care for themselves appropriately. He emphasizes that the caregiving relationship is often lifelong and emphasizes that the recipients of care need their caregivers to remain alive and healthy, which means the caregivers must have their own care and also care for themselves. He also emphasizes that, while these difficult situations often have no end outside of death, even that end is not the end because Jesus has won over death. He emphasizes that the Gospel is either real or itâs not, and that understanding the Gospel gives meaning to the most difficult life situations. Jesus is called âImmanuelâ in the Bible, which means âGod With Us.â Peter explains, âWe canât go to Him. He has to come to us.â Peter encourages caregivers to acknowledge the weariness and the heavy-laden status that comes with their role and to learn over time to truly rest in Jesus. He asks, âDo you believe Him or not? And how would you or anybody else know?â His book is full of such âbedrock principles that Iâve learned through this process,â which he offers to help other caregivers also learn âhow to stay with this and be healthy at the same time.â Peter talks about the âFOG of caregiversâ- the fear, obligation, and guilt that can be ever-present; he encourages slowing down in response to such âFOGâ just as one would slow down when driving in literal fog. He encourages, âDonât try to look too far ahead or live in the wreckage of the future,â and urges caregivers not to âdriveâ in such âFOGâ so fast that they cannot âslam on the brakesâ when needed.
Peter describes playing the piano on his own after having accompanied Gracie for so long and realizing that he was no longer playing the songâs melody because he was used to Gracie doing that part. This, he said, is exactly what happens to caregivers over time â they lose their own voices and begin to talk and think in terms of what kind of day the other person is having, what âweâ are facing, etc. He encourages caregivers to relearn how to speak in the first-person singular, to embrace Jesusâs love for them and not just for their loved ones, and to watch the movie The Kingâs Speech to observe the deep importance of having your own voice. He also encourages engaging in realism, legitimate mourning (which involves accepting the brokenness for what it is and trusting God in it), tears, and humor, recalling his own tribute to Jeff Foxworthy in which he outlined the signs that âyou might be a caregiver.â God, notes Peter, is personal and intimate. He is Lord, even when life is painful and difficult and âevery day feels like Monday.â He can teach even the caregiver to rest in Him. He concludes that caregivers and their loved ones should acknowledge their pain and cry their tears but also emphasizes, âWe do not have to be miserable.â Peterâs book is available any place books are sold and is also available in audible, which he read himself. It can be a helpful gift for pastors and counselors as well as traditional caregivers.
-
Garrison Keillor once said, âThe lovely thing about Christmas is that itâs compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.â Whether you are working Christmas, spending it alone, hosting a gathering you hope will be beautiful, or gearing up to attend the usual round of work and family activities, you are in this with all the rest of us â and we all need to survive it!
Holidays are a time when we tend to think we should be happy, but they happen in the context of everything else. The expectation of warmth and cheer can highlight our pain and that of others. The consistency of traditions can emphasize the changes that have occurred over the last year, including difficult ones. Even positive changes can upset the family equilibrium, and sometimes the system wants to move back into its usual state. Exposure to family can bring back memories, good and bad, and stir up expectations that we should have more in common than we do.
Expectations can be strong around the holidays: âThereâs no place like home for the holidaysâ â but what if your family is a wreck? âChristmas is a time for familyâ â but what if you donât have one, or you live several states away and canât afford to take time off and travel for the holidays? âHolidays should be joyous and happyâ â but what if there has been a death? A job loss? What if you are depressed or struggling with anxiety? âEverything will be perfect this yearâ â but what if it isnât, or it is and nobody seems to notice or care? Holidays are unknowns. We do not truly know what will happen on a given year, even if we do know the patterns, the leftover hurts and judgments, the way it has been before now.
So how do we survive the holidays? Well, the first step is to ask yourself, âWhat is it about the holiday that gets me down?â What are you wanting to get out of the holidays, and what do you fear will happen instead? Establish and acknowledge your hopes, fear, and expectations. Talk to someone trustworthy regarding what bothers you about the holidays so you can be less vulnerable when the holidays get here.
Next, acknowledge your options. Adults have choices. What can you choose to do or not do? Brainstorm the ways you could address your concerns. Even though you wonât be able to utilize every single option, acknowledge that you have those choices and are not trapped. If there is pressure to put up with someone you usually avoid, is this maladaptive or an opportunity?
Next, develop your coping skills, including your self-talk and the boundaries you will choose for yourself. See the lighter side; holidays are short. Remember, everybodyâs a little bit out of their league when itâs family. Minimize over-indulging in food and alcohol to deal with the stress of the holidays. Identify what beauty you can create without paying the cost of unbearable stress. Think about the people who are problematic for you. Pray for them; pray for yourself. What is one thing God has said about you? Abou them? Hold onto that. You donât have to get your needs met in that relationship; you can just accept the person. Spending time without really connecting can be ugly, so take care of yourself so that you can share at an appropriate level without making yourself or others overly vulnerable. Remember that holiday events are rarely the best times to hash through issues, though they often show us what we may want to address or change later. Differentiate between what is truly dangerous and what is irritating.
Holidays, including family holidays, really are a big deal, even though we try to make it not that way. Remember that the best gift you can give is a healthy version of yourself; that way, nobody has to worry about you. Being the best version of yourself is a gift to others.
Remember, God loves to give gifts. He gave us His only Son, the most valuable possession He ever had. You are a gift. You are irreplaceable. You are valuable. Taking care of yourself and regulating yourself is important. Police yourself. Be healthy.
-
Today Cinthia talks with Michael Johnson, president of the Slavic Gospel Association. Michael discusses his own story including his conversion, journey from corporate to non-profit work, and time in ministry. He notes that we tend to want to know Godâs plan for our lives, but that God wants our obedience step-by-step. Mr. Johnson discusses some of the dynamics at work in these countries (e.g., emphasis on repentance/changing the direction of pursuits; pervasive sense of having âmissed the markâ after living under Communist governments) and emphasizes that Christ is building His church in those countries and in ours.
The Slavic Gospel Association works to empower local churches in countries associated with the former Soviet Union, as well as countries in which large number of Slavic people currently live. The organization has been active since well before Communism came to power in these areas, served churches during the time they were living under Communism, partnered with local church when wall came down, and continues to equip churches and provide a doorway through which churches in the West can serve churches in these areas. Their activities have included encouraging churches, coordinating an underground railroad, humanitarian aid distribution, gospel presentations, and assistance in acts of mercy which are currently bearing fruit in many countries due to the authenticity of the faith local church members have demonstrated by loving others well. Areas of ministry currently include Israel because many Slavic people fled there to get away from one war (i.e., Ukraine), only to find themselves in another.
Cinthia prayed for Mr. Johnson and his organization and encouraged listeners to pray, consider giving, etc., in order to join in the work of the Slavic Gospel Association(www.sga.org; specific ministry to Israel at www.sga.org/israelgospel).
Be encouraged. God has not stopped working in these countries or ours. He has not given up, no matter how the world looks to us or what is on the news on any given day.
-
What does it mean to act like an adult? We all know it includes things like laundry, bill-paying, and going to the dentist, but what underlies those activities and determines the priorities of an emotional adult? Today Cinthia explains how the three core truths she teaches apply to the topic of growing up emotionally.
As an example of what this looks like, Cinthia described her husband Michaelâs approach to some significant medical problems that he recently faced. Although he experienced significant pain and some very scary circumstances, Michael took charge of his health and did all he could to survive and get healthier for the people who love him. Although the medical problems were his, Michael understood that the situation was not just about him; it impacted his family, friends, and others. Knowing this, he controlled the factors that were his to control and followed through with healthy decisions, even when they were not easy to execute.
Adulthood as we are discussing it is about more than just remaining alive past oneâs eighteenth birthday. It is about growing up emotionally: facing reality, becoming your own parent, and fulfilling your responsibilities to yourself and others rather than expecting the world to make you okay. This necessitates, among other things, knowing your own internal world, being aware of it and how it affects your external world. It involves making the hard decisions to live according to reality rather than in denial. It also means figuring out why you are here on the planet and what to do with the time you are given.
The first truth Cinthia urges us to accept is the reality of our own individual uniqueness as created beings. You were not made by yourself or for your own purposes; you were made by a Creator Who wanted to create you and is very happy that He did so. You were made according to a unique design- even identical twins do not have identical fingerprints. Cinthia states, âWhen God thought you up, He was really excited. He was excited about you. It was an original design.â He had a purpose for this design, and He made you in exactly the way that was best for that purpose. Now you as an adult have the option to embrace that design and purpose or not. Learning to live as your own best version means learning to live out what the Creator had in mind when He made you. Striving toward what you think you should be or who others want you to be will not achieve this. So Step One is to accept and believe that you are alive for a reason. You didnât sneak onto the planet. You donât have to prove that you deserve to be here. God decided to create you and to do it at this time. He wants you to enjoy who He made you to be, as He does. Jesus gave up His life to be with you. Satan wants to make you think you have to prove your worth and value instead of walking it out. Dysfunction is never original or creative. Show up in your own life, and walk out the value you have.
Next, accept and believe that you can effect change in yourself and in the world around you. You cannot control everything about your life, your circumstances, or the world around you, but neither are you irrelevant. Your actions and behaviors matter, and your thoughts matter. Change is primarily an âinside job,â and it requires each of us to address our own thoughts and belief systems. Living in the past will get in the way whether your past was good or bad -- your past may be brilliant or awful, but itâs not new.
Proverbs tells us that âas a man thinks in his heart, so is he.â You can control what you think and dwell on. We often try to change the outside world, not recognizing that what we can control and order is the inside of ourselves. If the internal doesnât work, the external wonât work. If you live trying to change people, places, and things, you will fail. You cannot create outside yourself what is not within you. Parents, leaders, and friends will focus on the outside because they cannot be on the inside of you. You have to deal with the inside. The fastest, most effective, and most efficient way to influence change is to change your internal world. You matter, and you have a responsibility to the world around you.
Third, as an adult you must learn to deal with pain. In this world pain is inevitable; the effective management of it is imperative if you are going to be who you are meant to be. You can have âpain for gain,â as Cinthia says, or you can have âpain in vain.â But in this world as it is now, you cannot be without pain. You get to choose to survive in it or thrive in it and how close to be to the version of yourself that God intended. You get to choose whether to add to or detract from others by what version of yourself you live out as you face your pain, whether to accept the gifts that can come hidden in pain. Avoiding pain only brings more of it and causes me to live as a victim of my circumstances and of my own internal world. Learn to let pain produce something good in you instead of making you bitter.
The best version of yourself is the one the Creator had in mind when He made you. Accepting this may mean you have to get over yourself. If God is happy with you, you must learn to be happy with yourself, too (which is not the same as being happy with every decision you make). Both your strengths and weaknesses are unique and must be managed. We tend to want to spend our focus on our strengths, but donât be afraid of your weaknesses. Donât hate yourself for the mistakes. Learn from them. Be compassionate to yourself and others. Remember, the goal in this life is not the total alleviation of pain (that is impossible) but the acceptance of it and use of it for gain.
-
What is emotional baggage, and how does it affect our relationships? Emotional baggage is the remaining residue of trauma on our lives, whether from traumatic events (e.g., physical assault) or in a broader sense (e.g., relational trauma). It can become an ongoing part of what we carry with us into new relationships. We unwittingly take it into new relationships and begin to recreate or re-experience the same thing again and again, reinforcing the trauma-based beliefs we have formed in our thinking, causing them to grow and self-justify. Think of Linusâs blanket in the Peanuts cartoons. What are you dragging with you into your new relationships?
Emotional baggage does not define you. Trauma does not define you. Just as having a sleeping bag placed on top of you does not make you a sleeping bag, having traumatic baggage placed on you does not redefine you as the baggage itself. This means (among other things) that you can make choices that impact how much power your emotional baggage has as your life continues. Toward this end, Cinthia offers a checklist of questions to consider when entering a new relationship:
Am I willing to take time to heal (e.g., feel the difficult feelings, process them, etc.), or am I hoping this relationship will be the healing element? (The latter is dangerous.)Am I learning to listen to my gut, or am I listening to the woundedness?Have I felt what I am feeling before this? What is being triggered here?Am I putting on a persona with this person, or am I acting like myself?Have I forgiven myself and my exes for what happened in past relationships, or am I carrying some of it with me?Am I facing/exploring patterns in my own life and getting to know myself honestly?Am I willing to courageously change the things that need to be changed, or am I hoping the relationships will change them for me?Would I want to be with me? Do I like spending time with myself? If not, what do I need to change or accept so that I can present myself honestly with another person and not inflict something on them that I would not want inflicted on me?What do I do when I am being triggered? When do I get triggered, and what triggers me?What will I do if I encounter a concerning situation with this person? What are my options? (Learn to ask yourself, âDoes that baggage actually belong to me?â Another personâs behavior may not be about you, and you need to know where you end and they begin. Cinthia emphasized that it is ok to leave a date early, and you can even be gracious about it. You do not have to lie or agree to see him/her again. Learn to utilize self-talk, grounding, breathing, relaxing, identifying your choices, slowing things down -- Stay with yourself. Own your choices and options, and recognize that theirs are not yours. Practice learning to say, âI donât think we are a match,â âI need to leave now,â etc.)Recognizing baggage is the first step to overcoming it. Here are some tips for doing so:
First, acknowledge the emotion. Are you feeling sad, mad, glad, or scared? If you are confused, you may be feeling a mix of these. Identify the feelings, and do not blame yourself for feeling them. Learn to say, âI am feeling this. What is triggering it?â Then ask yourself whether there is any true information in the feeling. Feelings are very real but do not always come with true thoughts and information. Allow yourself to feel the emotion without necessarily believing everything it tells you.
Second, face the feelings. Maya Angelou said, âHistory, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived but, if faced with courage, need not be lived again.â Will you choose courage to face your fears, mistakes, and hurts, to take the journey you need to take?
This process can be like an archaeological dig, per Laurie Allender, LCSW, and her partner Bob Hollender. First, unearth things intentionally and conscientiously. Go back and look at them. To âunderstandâ is to stand under something and look at it, to observe what you can learn from it. Then unravel them. Look without judgement at how the things influence you. Unlock things. Share your story with people who are safe and trustworthy. Learn to forgive. Take responsibility for yourself and your part. Recognize what you resent, what generalizations you have made. This is not about blaming yourself, but about empowering yourself to have more control in the future. Forgive your ex and yourself; for some, one of these may be easier than the other. Turn problems into solutions. Turn the focus away from what you did and toward what you want for the future. Let go of the old, and allow for the new. Look for evidence that it can be different in the new relationship, etc. You can contribute to what is being created now.
Humans were made to be with one another. You were made to be loved. Deal with your baggage so it does not dictate the story of your current or future relationships.
- Laat meer zien
