Afleveringen

  • Does your child have challenging and sometimes rebellious and unsafe behaviors that have you desperate for a resource? Are you feeling fearful and desperate? This podcast could be your answer.

    Today my guest Jessi Stringham shares a resource for parents that is free and really amazing. It is a peer led support group that is extremely well organized and

    From the Changes website: https://cpsn.org

    Changes Parent Support Network was incorporated in December 1996 and groups officially started meeting in January 1997. We are a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization and are not affiliated with any other group or religious organization.

    Members include Couples, Single Parents, Stepparents, Guardians, and Grandparents. The families we support have one or more acting-out children ranging in age from middle school to older adult children. Our program provides support and tools for parents to change their own behavior, not “fix” their child. We promote independence and natural consequences for our kids’ actions, which is usually not an appropriate approach for younger children.

    Regardless of your child’s age, we will welcome you at Changes. But you may find that our members have less personal experience to draw upon and share if your child is in elementary school.

    Typical problem behaviors can be:

    Violent or abusive Oppositional and defiant Failing grades or not attending school Substance abuse Stealing at home or shoplifting Gang involvement Running away

    The purpose of the group is not to change our child's behaviors. It is to help us give up that need to control and work on changing our own mindset and behaviors toward our children. We can support them and support ourselves and allow them indepedence to find their own path and feel the consequences of their behaviors.

    This is an amazing resources for parents who are feeling anxious and fearful and need support to know what to do.

    You can call this number 8884682620. to start the process of signing up.

  • The trauma of “good mom syndrome”

    In this week's episode, we delve into the profound truths and challenges of parenting children with intense needs. The episode explores the concept of parenting trauma and the importance of acknowledging and validating the difficulties faced by parents in raising kids with unique challenges.

    Key Points:

    Toxic Positivity and Trauma: I address criticism received for acknowledging the traumatic aspects of parenting. Rejecting toxic positivity, the episode emphasizes the need to validate and openly discuss the challenges faced by parents.

    Studies on Moms Raising Kids with Autism: I share statistics from studies on moms raising children on the autism spectrum, highlighting the prevalence of trauma in this community.

    Understanding Trauma: Distinguishing between acute, chronic, and complex trauma, the episode emphasizes that trauma is about the lasting impact on individuals rather than the events themselves.

    Community Responses: The host reflects on the heartbreaking responses from the community about the traumas they've experienced, ranging from suicide attempts to encounters with law enforcement.

    Societal Expectations and Parental Trauma: The episode explores how societal expectations and judgments contribute to parental trauma, discussing the harmful beliefs about what makes a "good parent."

    Challenging Beliefs: The host shares personal struggles with societal expectations, highlighting the internal conflict of being raised to create a safe and happy home while facing the reality of parenting challenges.

    Healing from Trauma: Practical steps for healing include self-compassion, challenging negative beliefs, and adopting the mantra "What other people think about me is none of my business."

    Becoming Teflon: The episode explores the concept of becoming a shield between parents and societal judgments, emphasizing the importance of letting go and not internalizing others' opinions.

    Shifting Mindsets: Encouraging parents to shift their mindset, the episode concludes with affirmations of the incredible strength and intentionality of parents navigating the challenges of raising children with unique needs.

    Closing Message:

    "You are incredible, don’t let anyone, including yourself tell you differently."



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  • My guest today is Robyn Gobbel, therapist and parent educator.

    Robyn Gobbel, MSW, loves coffee, P!NK, and everything about the brain. Once (recently!) her teenager went ballistic on her for getting ANOTHER (glitter!) coffee mug in the mail. Robyn loves cultivating deep, resonant connections with anyone who is up for it, and is especially fond of all the grown-ups in the world who love and care for kids impacted by trauma- helpers, healers, educators, and parents. Her favorite thing ever (besides glittery coffee mugs) is teaching anyone who will listen to harness the power of neuroscience so they can cultivate deep, resonant connections. What would change in the world if we could all do that? To see, be with, feel, and deeply know each other...and ourselves. Robyn thinks everything could change. You can get your hands on all sorts of free resources at www.RobynGobbel.com, including her podcast, The Baffling Behavior Show. Robyn is the author of Raising Kids with Big, Baffling Behaviors: Brain-Body-Sensory Strategies that Really Work (September 2023).

    We chat about when parenting is traumatic and how that affects our nervous system and impacts everyone in the family. When we are parenting kids with big challenging, sometimes frightening behaviors can put us in a space of nervous system dysregulation and we can't function as our best selves

    Parenting can be traumatic…

    I cannot wait to share with you this podcast. A few months ago I saw a post by @robyn.gobbel about this topic and it spoke to me. It made me cry to be honest.

    I felt seen and validated. I immediately messaged Robyn about being a guest and she graciously said yes. It is an incredible interview and I hope the parents who need it will find it and also feel seen and validated.

    If you have any of these, you may have experienced or are currently experiencing parenting trauma:

    •Sensitized Stress Response

    •Stuck in Protection Mode

    •Compassion Fatigue

    •Irritable

    •Hypervigilance

    •Depression

    •Grief

    The trauma is real and that can bring shame and guilt upon us, because what parent gets traumatized by their child?

    Nervous system printable

    https://robyngobbel.com/course/friednervoussysteminfographic/

    Link to buy Robyn's book. Use code Bafflingbehaviors20 for 20% off

    https://us.jkp.com/products/raising-kids-with-big-baffling-behaviors?_pos=1&_sid=14718fc1e&_ss=r

  • The last time I chatted on this podcast was in April last year. I chatted with two dear friends who I was planning a conference with. We chatted about our lived experiences of having mental health challenges in our family and how much we needed support and couldn’t find it. That was the kick off to sharing about our in person Fight like a Mother mental health conference in September.

    I fully intended to continue regular podcasts and follow up about the conference etc…and it obviously did not happen. Planning that conference was one of the bright spots of my 2023. I am so proud of that conference and what we were able to provide for our attendees. Resources, support and community.

    I won’t share nitty gritty details of my 2023 because much of it is others stories to share but their stories and struggles did affect me and have become part of my story too.

    I shared a post on instagram yesterday of a photo of a women who is sitting down fully veiled. YOu cannot see the woman, she is completely covered. When I saw this photo it literally took my breath away and brought tears to my eyes, because I was this woman. Much of my year I felt veiled and shrouded in the dark. It was hard to get out of bed, it was impossible to clean my house, it was a struggle to feed my family. My mental and physical health were greatly affected. I withdrew from most people. And yet I am seeing a therapist regularly, I started medication but nothing seemed to be able to get through the dark veil of depression.

    I could not figure out what was happening, for a long time I didn’t try to figure it out because it was too much work and took too much energy to do so. I didn’t have the bandwidth. The year wasn’t actually all that terrible, it was the first year in a while where we hadn’t had suicidal ideation or attempts from our kids but we were dealing with some other heavy things.

    One day I was listenting to a podcast about trauma and grief and it hit me. I had not dealt with the layers of trauma that had been building up for years. Not only had my dad died the year before and I’m not sure I had processed that but also I had not acknowledged the living grief that comes from lost expectations plan and life completely turning upside down and not looking ANYTHING like I had ever hoped or planned or prayed for. That grief is real and feels constant.

    I had the tools in my toolbelt, I knew what could help, I knew going for walks and getting into nature would help. I knew eating healthier and journaling and all the things would be helpful…and yet I just couldn’t. The energy required was not there, the pull of my bed and my weighted blanket seemed to be the only reprieve and safe space I could inhabit. Things that never felt unsafe or uncomfortable before felt terrifying. Relationships that I have had for much of my life felt too hard and risky. I couldn’t share the darkness, what would they think of me? I couldn’t do small talk, that felt disingenuous and inauthentic.

    I really felt like a shell of myself.

    Until….a couple of months ago. I felt a spark, to be honest I’m not sure what even prompted it. But I felt a spark of being myself. I felt a spark of energy, of hope, of light. I told my therapist I’m feeling lighter and I’m ready to do the hard work to peel the layers and layers of trauma and grief. I wasn’t in a space to do so before.

    I grasped onto that spark. As I have done so, I have seen and felt more and more sparks of light permeating that shroud. I have seen Cheryl again in moments and felt great relief. The darkness is still there I’m not gonna lie, but the light is getting stronger and more consistent.

    I’ll be really honest that sometimes I just wanted to stay in the dark, in my bed, shut myself off from the world. It seemed easier than doing the work, but it wasn’t easy being in that space either. So I guess we get to choose our hard either way.

    This year I chose a phrase to focus on of radical acceptance of myself, my circumstances, what I can control etc.and also radical alignment with who I am, with my core values, what will benefit my mental health. Besides the daily things that have to be done like dishes, fixing meals, exercise cleaning etc which I don’t love but they do align with my core values of caring for myself and my family if it doesn’t align or make me feel more like me, it’s gone. One silly example? Uncomfortable clothing? GONE, Clothing that doesn’t feel like me? GONE! I no longer dress how others think I should, I dress for me to feel good and feel more like myself.

    One thing that has brought me tons of light that is filling the cracks is celebrating the small stuff. I went for a mile walk in the sunshine? GO ME! I chose to drink water instead of diet coke? GO ME!

    Celebrating the small wins, motivates me to continue to push along and continue to do the things that bring the spark.

    At our in person conference we rented a large gong and set it up and asked people to share their wins on post it notes and post them on the window behind the gong and then they sounded the gong after the posted their wins. Sometimes when you are living with mental illness in yourself or your family the wins look very different. They were incredibly touching. Things like, my daughter now cares about her hygiene and takes showers daily. I don’t want to die any more.

    Now I want to share with you something so fun that I did with my Instagram community this last week for the new year. I asked them for their wins for 2023, I wanted them to acknowledge their sparks and “sound the gong”. I want to share some of them with you. Maybe their celebrations will help you see the wins in your own life and help you see the spark that can permeate any darkness you may have in your life.

    Come join our Patreon community!

    https://patreon.com/fightlikeamotherpodcast?utm_medium=clipboard_copy&utm_source=copyLink&utm_campaign=creatorshare_creator&utm_content=join_link

  • This episode highlights our "why" for creating the Fight like a Mother mental health conference on September 16, 2023. All 3 of us in the last decade have desperately needed more resources and a supportive community surrounding mental health and raising our kids. You'll hear each of us sharing personal experiences about how community and support and knowing about resources has been essential in our ability to grow and thrive and understand how to move forward.

    This conference will provide support, understanding, resources, community and HOPE! We will have classes for parents raising kids with mental health challenges as well as general mental health classes for anyone to attend. Please join us! We will have a beautiful interactive experience to celebrate ourselves and our loved ones.

    For all the info about our conference, follow the instagram account here:

    Fight like a Mother conference Instagram

    Ember Instagram account:

    https://instagram.com/iamemberpilati?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

    Aymee Instagram account:

    https://instagram.com/selfhealingmamma?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

    Cheryl Instagram account:

    https://instagram.com/cherylcardall?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

  • What do you want Cheryl? It's a question I was asked by a therapist that shifted my perspective significantly! Many times we don't give ourselves permission to go for what we want or even allow ourselves to think about what we want.

    In the episode I share a recent experience of being brave and asking for what I wanted and it was a life changing experience and I plan to focus on living life how I want and choosing my actions and perspective even in the mundane tasks of life.

    So go have a listen and think about what you want?

    Also if you are in Utah, or want to travel to Utah in September...save the date of September 16th. We are planning an event where there will be community, resources and fun for the mental health community! More details to come soon!

  • In this episode I chat with licensed marriage and family therapist David Kozlowski. We discuss personality disorders and specifically borderline personality disorder which David said is the most complicated one and believes it should be renames to Emotionally extreme personality disorder or something similar. Borderline is too tame a label for it.

    https://davidkozlowski.com

    Light the Fight podcast


  • I was fortunate to be a guest on The Better Behavior podcast with Dr. Nicole Beurkens. Dr. Beurkens is a champion of parents and families living with mental illness. She is an amazing advocate and support to these families. I was honored to be asked to be a guest because I have long admired her work. If you are a parent raising a kiddo with extra challenges, this episode is for you.

    In this episode, we are talk about an issue that isn’t covered or supported nearly enough: the current systems which are failing parents who are raising kids with mental health challenges and the immense struggle parents often face when trying to get them the help they need. This can create a lot of pain and difficulties in the lives of parents (and children), to the point where the disorders and challenges can take over the family. Unfortunately, there is a lot of social stigma around this topic and especially with the mental health piece, not just for children, but for the parents of these children.

    https://www.drbeurkens.com

    https://www.instagram.com/drnicolebeurkens/?hl=en


  • In this episode I chat with therapist Brenna Brooks about the concept of a window of tolerance. The window of tolerance is when our nervous system is functioning well. We can handle stress and big emotions. Our pre frontal cortex is fully engaged so we can make good decisions, have good judgement and not be controlled by our stress or trauma.

    When we shift out of the window of tolerance we go to either hyper arousal or hypo arousal. Our nervous system is sensing threat so it goes into fight or flight mode to protect us. We have zero control when something is going to send us to hyper/hypo arousal, it is simply a survival mechanism of our amygdala in our brain that is trying to protect us. Often for people who have been through trauma their brain sees everything as a threat so their window of tolerance is small.

    Some characteristics of hyper arousal are:

    Anger, melt downs, running away, irritability, difficult sleeping, panic attacks, self destructive behaviors

    Characteristics of hypo arousal are:

    Numbing out, sleeping a lot, depression, flat feelings, feeling trapped, helplessness.

    When we can start to be aware of our own window of tolerance and notice when we shift out of it, we can notice our emotions, behaviors and feelings within our body. Our nervous system is how we shift out of our personal window of tolerance, but the good news is, it is also how to get back there! The good news is that through learning about and utilizing tools, going to therapy and being aware of our body and nervous system, we can expand the capacity of our window of tolerance.

    Grounding ourselves is an important skill to learn.Grounding is a self-soothing skill to use when you are having a bad day or dealing with a lot of stress, overwhelming feelings, and/or intense anxiety. It means going back to our body.

    Here are some tools to use to use when you are in hyper arousal:

    Wave or box breathing (listen to hear more about what that is) Imagining a safe calming place to go like the beach, a favorite spot in your home, nature etc and closing your eyes and putting yourself there Putting lotion on the top of your hand, noticing it there, rubbing it in novel and new ways. utilizing your 5 senses, notice what you smell, hear, see and touch

    Tools for hypo arousal:

    Novel, child like movement. Put on your favorite dancing song from childhood or teenage years and get up and dance. Stretching Yoga Using pressure points put your hands in ice cold water go for a walk

    The key is to create safety in our body, within ourselves so our nervous system knows we are safe. The body keeps the score of trauma and stress AND it is also the solution to healing.

    Resources to learn more:

    https://www.stephenporges.com

    The body keeps the score book

    Window of Tolerance graphic

  • Courtney Brown is a brilliant CEO of the clothing company Cents of Style. She is a mom of 3 kiddos and is married to John Brown. She is also one of the most generous, kind, light filled people I've ever known.

    Courtney chooses an intention the beginning of every year and this year she chose the word Ease. She sees it as an experiment, to learn more about the process of finding the ease and joy and miracles in the midst of our challenges. She said when she chose this word she immediately became uncomfortable which to her meant it was right.

    She was raised in a family and religious culture where the family motto was "Work hard, play hard." It has to be hard to have meaning, having ease means you're doing it wrong.

    We can find a lot of identity in the hard, in our struggles. We lean into it and it can become more difficult. Those challenges are what we experience, they aren't who we are. We can acknowledge the struggle, but give it a "container" to remain in so it doesn't become our whole identity.

    Courtney wanted to explore what life might look like if she looked for the ease, if she didn't push so hard. It's become a practice for her to see the miracles, find the joy and ease in life. We must look for the evidence of the good and be intentional about it.

    Courtney coaches and mentors people in having a vision led life and living life according to our values. She works with business owners and anyone else who wants to find more purpose and joy.

    Courtney's instagram

  • My guest this episode is my best friend of over 50 years, Lisa Paulsen. Our friendship has ebbed and flowed over all of that time, but we have always known we will be there through thick and thin. We are more sisters than friends and have had so many big life experiences and we have gotten through them together. Lisa has had big struggles in her life including a progressive neuromuscular disease and living life in a wheelchair and losing her husband Leif 18 years ago leaving her to raise 3 young children alone.

    We are huge Whitney Houston fans and attended a concert together 30 years ago. We knew we had to go to the new Whitney movie "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" together. We have a lot to say about the movie that we chat about here. We talk about the expectations put on Whitney that she never could live up to, we talk about how drugs and alcohol were her coping mechanisms because of never feeling like she could truly be herself. We share our favorite songs of hers (although its like choosing a favorite child, its impossible to choose one favorite!). Maybe you don't dissect movies like we do, but there is so much to learn and understand from this movie that totally applies to our own parenting. Whitney's life was tragic and so difficult to understand. Lisa and I both have grown in compassion for her as we have learned more of her story.

    I do want to say that we are two white women with privilege who are chatting about Whitney Houston's experience. We are not claiming to understand her experience as a woman of color nor do we try to explain anything away. Much of Whitney's experiences are due to white men controlling and manipulating her into what they wanted her to be. She was a once in a lifetime talent and her voice and exuberance for life are what make us huge fans of hers.

  • Life gets to be both...

    Struggle and success

    Overcoming and feeling the pain

    Joy and challenges.

    If we can embrace the AND in life yes we will have the struggle but we will also open ourselves up to beauty and memories. When we feel the whole range of the human experience it enhances the joy and tempers the struggle.

  • Happy 2023! This time of year so many are talking about resolutions and goals and words or themes for the year. It often feels like lots of pressure to join in to change yourself or make new habits, systems etc. Sometimes we cave to the pressure of social media and others because we feel the push to set those high goals and resolutions because of the expectation that we do so.

    What I am going to talk about today is just that, expectations. What we think we should do, what others think we should do, what we think others should do. Those expectations can be challenging to meet and nearly impossible to make others meet our expectations.

    For the past several years I have chosen a word or phrase for the year. It has helped me focus on things I want to work on. Last year my phrase was “Do the next right thing.” I think about what word or phrase I want starting in about October/Nov. I look for patterns, or lessons I’m obviously supposed to learn.

    This years word stemmed from a therapy session I had back in October. Lots of challenging stuff was happening and I was extremely stressed out. My therapist said, “Cheryl I want you to practice detaching.” Umm what? Isn’t attachment important for loving relationships and good mental health? Yes, yes it is. Healthy attachment to people. She wanted me to detach from outcomes, from others moods or choices.

    Hello, my name is Cheryl and I’m codependent. I fall into fix it mom mode really often. I am hypervigilant trying to prevent bad moods or anger or bad choices. I try to smooth things and do things for kids to not have conflict and make things easier. It really all boils down to wanting to control because I feel like I’ve lost control.

    So my word for 2023 is Release. Release the control, release the expectations, release of the outcomes. Release of others opinions, release of others judgements. Release of expectations others have put on me.

    This is NOT easy in any sense of the word. Letting go is possibly the hardest thing I do as a mom. I mean think about it, from the time our kids are born, our purpose is to work ourselves out of a job as we teach and encourage our kids to be more independent. When they are babies and young kids, we have a lot of control over their actions, when they eat, go to bed, who they play with, what clothes they wear (unless you have a very headstrong child :).

    As they get older we lose the control, we lose the ability to control who they interact with, their choices, attitudes, beliefs etc. It can be so hard to let go of that!

    I think so many of us had an idea in our head about what our family would look like, what our kids might do, what they would believe, accomplishments they would have. If we just did all the right things and were a good enough mom, they would “turn out” good.

    We put our expectations on our kids of what we thought, expected and wanted….and then life goes on and they get older and more independent and what happens? What happens when they reject our beliefs and values? What happens when they don’t do what we think they should do? Not only do they not live up to those expectations, but quite honestly what happens if they do the opposite of what you wanted for them? How do we handle that? What does that do to us and our relationships?

    A quote I love, that is by Anne Lamott says this, “Expectations are resentments under construction.” When we put our expectations on others and put so much emotional work into them, we will be resentful when others don’t live up to them.

    The attachment I had to my own expectations for my kids wasn’t just causing stress, but it puts strain on my relationships with them. When I release those expectations of what I think they should do or who I think they should be, it frees up more emotional space and allows me to focus on what is truly important, the relationship and connection. When I can really see them for who they are and allow them the freedom to explore it, even when I can see it may cause them pain, it may lead to hard consequences and may take them on a life path that may be rocky it allows me to not try to control the, but to walk alongside them and be a support.

    I have been reading the book Co-dependence no more by Melody Beattie. In the book she says, “Detaching doesn’t mean we don’t care, it means we learn to love, care and be involved without going crazy.

    Detaching means stepping back from obsessive worry, stepping back trying to control their beliefs, behaviors and moods. Stepping back from trying to rescue or jumping into fix. We allow them to be responsible for their own choices and we don’t interfere or protect them from natural consequences that might result. As we detach or release ourselves from the results of situations and expectations we can live in more peace.

    Often I think our need to control or our stress about lost expectations comes from worry about what others might think. What will people think about us as parents? How will our kids choices reflect on us? Will others still like us? Will they like our child? What will they think about our child?

    Attachment to the control, behaviors, choices, outcomes of others or their judgment or opinion of us is based in fear. When we can recognize that and release it we can be more open, we can work on not being controlled by fear or judgement or others opinions or the outcome of our child.

    Sometimes I think the attitude out there is our kids are “products” or “results” of our parenting. If we do it “right” the “product” will turn out “right”. I think we are often taught that if we teach them right, if we share our values, if we love them enough and provide well then they will turn out.

    Well our kids aren’t a product, and they aren’t a result. They aren’t a blank slate for us to write our story on, they aren’t something to control. They aren’t a trophy to hold up so others can admire our work. They are a complex human being who we want to support and teach and influence yes, but what if we really examined our expectations of who they are, of what they “should” become and instead focus on letting them unfold themselves to us.

    And let me say, I am not saying you can’t have expectations of how you are treated, of kids helping out around the house, of them attending school and doing their best. Some kids can meet those expectations and are fine to do so and excel.

    However what happens when they don’t, what will you do? I think it’s really important here to meet our kids where they are at, to know where they are at and drop our own agenda.

    I’ll share a parenting fail here. One of my kids had gotten fantastic grades throughout middle school and the first year of high school. I had visions and expectations of full ride college scholarships and awards etc. However His junior and senior year were tough, his grades slipped pretty significantly, he was not doing well. I hounded him and checked his grades and assignments obsessively, I used his past good grades trying to “motivate him”. What it really did was cause him great shame. I missed the signs of depression and ADHD. He couldn’t do well because his mental health was sliding pretty drastically. It was almost too late when I recognized it and he barely graduated. My expectations made things much worse for him and for our relationship, he felt he couldn’t tell me what was going on because I wasn’t open to it. I was basically telling him to “buck up” and just do it because I JUST KNEW he could because of past performance. He was smart enough, just not motivated enough.

    I wasn’t meeting him where he was at, he couldn’t meet my expectations because of health reasons. My expectations made things much worse for him and for our relationship, he felt he couldn’t tell me what was going on because I wasn’t open to it. I was basically telling him to “buck up” and just do it because I JUST KNEW he could because of past performance. He was smart enough, just not motivated enough. I wasn’t seeing beneath the surface of the behavior.

    My expectations made things much worse for him and for our relationship, he felt he couldn’t tell me what was going on because I wasn’t open to it. I was basically telling him to “buck up” and just do it because I JUST KNEW he could because of past performance. He was smart enough, just not motivated enough.


    Another example from my life. When my husband and I married we said, all of our sons would get their eagle scout and serve an LDS mission, our daughters would also get awards at church for goal setting and also serve missions. We would accomplish this (see it was based on US< OUR accomplishment) by being very diligent at scripture study, going to church, serving, teaching them our beliefs. We had 4 sons and 1 daughter and imagined our own little army of missionaries. Guess what? My oldest is an eagle scout and returned missionary. He may be the only one who is on that road. My second kiddo hated scouting and did not want to serve a mission and came out as non-binary last year. My third loved scouting but not the expectations with advancements and merit badges, didn’t think he could live up to them. He doesn’t attend church. My youngest two, I’m not sure what will happen with them as far as missions and their future. My expectations were based on what I thought a “good family” looked like. They were based on my parenting, if I just did all the right things, my kids would “turn out”. I saw it as a reward for my good actions and good parenting.

    I have since learned that my relationship is far more important than what they do. Their worth isn’t based on them getting the scouting award or going on a mission, or getting scholarships, or being a starter on the football team. Their worth is infinite and set in stone. Their worth doesn’t change and neither does mine when they choose differently than I had planned. Sometimes my push for them to meet my expectations pushes them completely the other way and causes defiance and rebellion.

    This is all fine and good, but HOW, how do we do this?

    I’m a work in progress on this for sure so I’m working through it. The 1st step for me was being really mindful and aware of my expectations. Examine those “shoulds” you’ve put in your child. Do I know my child well enough to know if they can meet this expectation? Is this reasonable? Is this my desire for them or is it their desire for themselves that I can support? Is my worry about them not meeting it based from fear or love? Is it based on worry about what the school, or church members or family members might think of me? Of my child? If that is the case, that is inner work we need to do on ourselves to heal those wounds of people pleasing. Is my trying to smooth things or being super fixer mom because of my own anxieties or fear (ummm YES 100% yes). Is my own worth tied into what my children do or how they behave?

    Once we are aware of our expectations and why and where they come from, I encourage you to really dive into your relationship with your child. Start getting curious about their life, about the path they want to follow, about the choices they are making and why. Why is school hard for them? Why are they choosing the friends you don’t want them to be with?

    Drop your agenda for them, allow them to be who they are. Open your heart and mind, work on your judgements toward them, their friends, their choices.



    I have found when I really work on seeing them, on getting to know them, on getting curious and open instead of anxious and judgemental, it builds our connection rather than distances us from them. Is our pressure on them really making them better? Even if they are high achieving and doing all the “right things”, are they doing it because they want to and its their desire or are they doing it to please us and other people? Are they doing it because they are an anxious perfectionist and are so stressed they can’t be truly happy? Even kids who can meet our expectations may be doing so to earn our love, to earn their worth etc.

    Sometimes we create our own heartbreaks through our expectations. Let go, release, focus on loving them. Focus on loving yourself and working through your own wounds to heal so you don’t project them onto your kids.

    Next week I’ll share my other word for 2023, yes I have two this year!

    Thanks for listening! I would love a good review if you feel so inclined and would love you to join my Instagram community under my name Cheryl Cardall.




  • Emily Hamblin shares her own struggles throughout her life. She discovered she has ADHD when her own child was diagnosed which says explains a lot about her growing up years. She shares with us some of the struggles her son has had in school and at home with behaviors, paying attention and emotional regulation.

    Before she realized her son was neurodivergent, she took his behaviors personally. She felt he was disrespecting her and was misbehaving to rebel or spite her. Finally when he was diagnosed and she researched his condition, she realized he couldn't help many of his behaviors and needed help and support, not yelling and punishment. Her son is "twice exceptional" which is children who are gifted and have exceptional abilities academically but also have some challenges such as autism, ADHD, Tourette syndrome etc.

    Emily shares 3 things she learned in helping her with a goal to yell at her children less. She says she has decreased her yelling by 90%

    1. Gaining a better understanding of her child, why they struggle. Looking at the root cause of the challenging behaviors and realizing they are a symptom of a deeper need or lack of skill.

    2. Identifying why she would snap and yell. Knowing her own triggers. Maybe she was exhausted or hungry, or worried or frustrated. Maybe her child's behavior brought up something from her own childhood.

    3. Figuring out other ways to meet her needs and her Childs.

    You can learn more from Emily in these spots.

    https://www.instagram.com/enlighteningmotherhood/

    enlightening motherhood podcast

    https://www.enlighteningmotherhood.com

  • PODCAST #76:

    Get comfortable with discomfort

    Experiences recently of feeling uncomfortable.

    Max, not my story to share, but feeling their pain and struggles. It is not the most comfortable to listen to someones raw pain. But it expanded my mind, my perspective and most of all my heart. I learned how to love better.

    Suicide prevention month. September is often filled with social media posts about statistics and such surrounding suicide. That is great, but only if it brings awareness and inspires action. That is the easy work with suicide prevention. Suicide is not an easy topic to bring up, its dark and messy and complex. It feels scary to talk about. It feels scary to talk about with your kids. But doing the real work isn’t comfortable, because it’s not a comfortable topic especially for those who are suffering. it is sitting with people in their pain. It is allowing them to share their darkest thoughts with you. It is sitting in the discomfort and supporting someone in their lonliest places. Because I promise you that the discomfort you are feeling surrounding it, is nothing compared to the hell people are going through who are living with those dark thoughts and the pain that they would be better of not being on this earth.

    I listened to a podcast yesterday by Glennon Doyle and her team with Dr. Becky Kennedy who I know as drbeckyatgoodinside on Instagram. It was mind blowing. I highly recommend listening (language warning). They talk about how as parents we don’t like to feel uncomfortable, our kids behaviors trigger us and we don’t like to feel that way.

    Why do we not like feeling uncomfortable? I have found that many of us were raised not being allowed to express our sadness, anger, frustration. We were sent away to our room or punished or told that we just needed to smile and be happy. None of these things taught us that our emotions and discomfort is okay and its part of being human. So when our children express their own big emotions, it feels SUPER uncomfortable for us and sometimes we don’t know how to process it or support them. Society and church and family can really discourage us from showing our difficult emotions because it’s uncomfortable for them. Because if we had more faith or optimism or positive mental attitude, then we could just be happy!

    Well the purpose of life isn’t just to be happy. The purpose of life is to feel the wide range of emotions. ONe of the most important things we can teach our kids is how to feel and process those uncomfortable feelings. I have asked many parents I have worked with what their job is as a parent and many have said it’s to make sure their kids have a happy life. Well guess what? That isn’t you job because you can’t control their emotions. We need to realize It is OKAY for them to be sad, disappointed, angry etc. If we don’t like seeing them that way, then we need to dig deep internally about why that is. I’m guessing its a childhood wound we can work on healing. We didn’t have people who validated us and saw us and could sit in our pain with us (which is indicative of their emotional wounds)

    Dr. Becky talks about how to parent in connected, respectful ways AND how to hold boundaries. Our kids are going to feel disappointed, mad, frustrated with us A LOT. That’s okay, it’s okay for them to feel it. It’s okay for them to express it…even in uncomfortable ways like I HATE YOU, YOU’RE THE WORST PARENT EVER (5/5 of my kids have said those things to me). Instead of sending them away or punishing or screaming back at them. We can say something like, “It sounds like you are having a hard time and feeling some big emotions. Its okay to feel that way. I am here for you when you want to talk about it.” Staying calm (which isn’t comfortable or easy), validating them and supporting them in their struggle is so key.

    Dr. Becky says the most important words a parent can say or convey are I BELIEVE YOU. Or I see you.

    Another example for teenagers could be wanting to go to a party or out with friends you don’t feel comfortable with. 1. Validate…wow it sounds like you are excited about this party. I believe you taht all the cool kids will be there and that is sounds like fun. 2 AND (the power of and) I’m not comfortable with you going because I’ve heard about some of the things that happen at those parties and I don’t think its safe. 3. Partner with them (this may have to be later after they feel their feelings about telling them no.) What are some other options this weekend to hang out with your friends? I know you enjoy being with people and having fun on the weekends. i’m happy to have them over here and get pizza or take you bowling or something. Let me know.

    I would say the most important skill we can learn as parents is EMPATHY, listening to our kids, believing them, recognizing they are struggling and digging deep and embracing them.

    A few years ago I set a goal to read books that were written about people vastly different than I am. I read books of people from different races, countries and cultures, about addicts, people in different religions and sexual identities. It wasn’t always comfortable for me, but it was eye opening and heart expanding. Reading and especially really listening to people’s stories of struggle, of heartache, of pain, of self discovery, of addiction etc. isn’t always easy but the rewards are incredible. Books are great for this, as are podcasts, but the real reward comes from sitting face to face with someone and looking them in the eyes and saying I BELIEVE YOU, I SEE YOU. I am willing to sit in my discomfort to witness yours and ease your burdens.

    I am so thankful for my journey of not only reading about people who are different from me, but really sitting and listening to them face to face. Sitting in their pain with them, allowing the discomfort to pass through me to get to the connection that comes when we are willing to open our hearts and minds. Vulnerability is key being vulnerable to pain and discomfort is such a mind and heart expanding experience.

    You don’t have to look far for people who need someone to sit in their pain with them. They may be right in front of you, in your own home. They may be a next door neighbor or a long time friend or a church member or your mom or sister. It isn’t easy especially at first. YOu may want to solve their issue, you may want to give advice, you may want to tell them how to do their life differently. However that’s likely not what they need unless they ask you for it. Bite your tongue and listen, even if it’s hard to hear. Even if they are pushing against your core beliefs, even if they are making choices you don’t appreciate. Listen to your kids when the only way they can express their pain and struggles are to tell you they hate you. Recognize it’s not about you and when things are calm, find time to connect with them and talk about better ways to communicate. Let them know you can handle their pain

    This is called true empathy and those empathy muscles can be strengthened by listening to others, not judging and being willing to be uncomfortable. Brene Brown the queen of empathy says this, “Empathy is communicating that incredibly healing message of “You’re not alone.”

    I challenge you this week to just listen to someone. When your child is having a hard time, don’t preach, don’t try to be right, don’t dismiss them. EMPATHIZE. LISTEN. Help them know they aren’t alone.



  • In this episode I have such a great chat with Monica Pack of the About Progress podcast about how to create flexible self supporting habits for overwhelmed moms.

    Monica shares the 4 types of "habiteers" which are:

    1. The martyr: they believe habits are balls and chains, they are ruled by "shoulds" and believe habits are all or nothing.

    2. The Dropper: believes habits are full routines and they drop the full routine because they can't accomplish it

    3. The Overacheiver: They shoot for the stars and try to create enormous habits they can't achieve so they believe they aren't capable of keeping habits.

    4. The Dangler: Somehow they believe habits will just get inserted into their life if they just want them bad enough. So they are left dangling without having habits that stick.

    Monica shares that she has read hundreds of books about habits and self improvement and the majority are written by men. She said women need more flexible, self supporting habits and need to remove the shame and find self compassion.

    Monica's sticky habit method is to build supportive habits on a daily basis to take care of our needs and desires so we are better equipped women and mothers. She shares that flexible consistency is key. For example, if one of the habits you want to nurture is working out, an all or nothing approach is that you have to do it the same time every single day for an hour. A more consistently flexible approach would be to prioritize it, but maybe it's split up. You walk the kids to school for 15 minutes and then come home and do yoga later for 20 minutes. The workout still happened but it wasn't so rigid there wasn't wiggle room for being a mom, being interuppted, being up all night with a baby etc.

    We are much more likely to create a habit that sticks when we are compassionate and flexible with ourselves.

    Monica is teaching a FREE master class about Sticky habits and you can register here!

    https://workinprogressacademy.mykajabi.com/women-habits-class

    Monica's podcast

    Monica's Instagram

  • I love to share goodness. This podcast is just that. Tyler Bastian, the founder and principal of Roots charter school is a human being who is making a huge difference in this world. His school serves at risk students who may have failed in other schools, who may have been expelled or are court ordered to be there. This school is a working farm, they have 5 acres with animals, a garden, flowers etc. All the kids are active participants at the farm.

    The philosophy at Roots is 2-4-3 which means We Love You. Tyler says it is plastered all over the school where you never turn a corner without seeing it. Their driving force and motivation in working with these kids is unconditional and powerful love. If a student has a behavioral issue, the first thing they ask them is "Do you know I love you?" If the students says no, they ask them which adult at the school they feel loves them, then they go get that person and that person talks through the issues with the student.

    Tyler says everyone has a voice at their school. He says often we talk about empowering our kids but don't actually want to give them power. At Roots Tyler says the only difference between him and the students is that he has been on the earth longer than them. There aren't power plays at this school, they value each student as much as each teacher and show respect and love toward each person.

    He says the behaviors of not going to school, defiance, failing grades are all symptoms of deeper issues and until we get to the root cause we won't actually help the kids.

    You can't love them out of their struggles, but you can love them through it.

    He suggests that parents slow down their reactions to their kids. Take a pause and soften your approach. Ask more questions, listen more than you talk. He says when your kids welcome you into their world, go along as a passenger and don't be a back seat driver. Let them guide their path and you go along as a guide and support.

    If we aren't enjoying our kids, then WE need to change so we can enjoy them. Play is a powerful way to connect with our kids.

    Separate their grades and behaviors from your relationship, divorce who they are and who you are from their behaviors and words. Love them through it.

    Follow Tyler on instagram

    https://www.rootshigh.org

  • It is back to school time, it’s on all the commercials advertising shopping, it’s all over social media where you are being shown how to create cute lunches and the latest and greatest lunch boxes, moms are showing how to have a night time and morning routine. How to best support your kids so they excel academically, what classes to take to get into the best colleges, padding your college resume with extracurriculars… Well this isn’t that podcast….

    Some of us aren’t worried about sandwiches in cute shapes, balanced lunches, perfect routines, academic excellence or our kids getting into college. For some of us just getting our kid to school sometime during the day is a huge accomplishment and to be quite honest some members of our community are just trying to keep their kids alive and nothing else matters. I have personally been there.

    Quite honestly sending kids back to school adds a whole new layer of stress at my house. I don’t get excited for back to school. It means 1000 more things added to my already overflowing plate. When you have kids that struggle with school, it can add so much worry and fear to your already exploding brain.

    So if you relate to my feelings and are worried about school and have kids that really struggle This podcast is for you

    *your child is far more important than school grades, attendance or behaviors

    *Focus on the present, not let yourself worry and fear for the future

    *Try to be flexible, find other alternatives, listen to your kids ideas and partner with them to find something that works for them

    *See your child for the beautiful human they are. Their worth is not tied into their schooling. Your worth as a parent isn't tied into their schooling Encourage them, guide them, have their back, support them.

    *There are many paths to success, there are very successful people who didn't graduate from high school in a typical way. See beyond the small box of the typical way to success.

    *Decide now how you will respond when things are difficult with school. Your relationship matters most and your child matters way more than their grades!

  • Thank you so much for supporting and listening to the last two years of the podcast! It debuted August 5th of 2020 and it has been a passion project of mine that has been so fulfilling and fun.

    I am so excited to share with you some clips of my favorite episodes from the last two years. The 5-10 minute clips from these 5 episodes could truly be life changing! If they teach you, inspire you and change your perspective I encourage you to go listen to the full episodes of each of them!

    My first clip I share is from Dr. Nicole Beurkens episode 43 titled "None of this is your fault." It is one of my most reassuring and comforting podcasts. I consider it a gift to my community. If you have kids who are struggling please go listen to this one!

    Second up is from episode 46 with Dr. Julie Hanks where we talk about worry and regret in parenting and how it is possible not to drown in worry on a regular basis.

    Third we hear from episode 62 with Dr. Brad Reedy entitled What is a heroic parent? This episode for sure hit a nerve with my audience as it was listened to in big numbers. Dr. Reedy shares that a heroic parent is one who focuses on their own healing so they can be the parent their child needs.

    I can't have a best of series and not include Dr. Mona Delahooke. Her two episodes are my most listened to of all of my episodes. In episode 55, Mona talks about Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) and what is really behind the defiant and sometimes rebellious behaviors. It is eye opening, reassuring and perspective shifting

    The last clip I share is one with two of my dear friends Aymee and Courtney who are also raising kids with mental illness. This is from episode 26 Raising kids with mental illness. We are real and honest and vulnerable in this episode. We are honest about the challenges but we also share the gifts and blessings of raising these kids.

  • Women's empowerment, business and life coach Allie White shares beautiful perspective on life's challenges. Here are a few of her thoughts:

    So much is piled on us that we attach our goodness too to measure internal worth. That’s not how it works.

    When life gives us challenges it can be easy to take that worth and purpose that is finished the second we are born. You’ll never find you’re more important and as much worth any stage of the game.

    If our parenting isn’t going perfectly we attach some not true things to us

    If our purpose is just to be us, those things that pile on us, our purpose is to take those off. We don’t associate our identity with our accomplishments or our parenting

    As parents one of our trickiest pieces is projection, projecting our insecurities onto our children and other peoples judgements of us

    When we are in struggle its easy to focus on the gaps

    Why are you the perfect parent for them? Why are they the perfect child for you?

    I love you enough to learn your language. Let’s guide each other. I’m not here to fix you We don’t play all the roles for our kids

    I'm Not attached to being the hero in your story, I’m attached to my child being the hero in their own story.

    "I just chipped away at what wasn't David." Michelangelo

    You have things within you that are perfect for those kids you are leading because you have the opportunity to see underneath all that marble and see those things that aren’t them, that life piles onto them. You’re not all that other stuff piled on

    When life says to you, there is literally nothing you can do to control this. Nothing negligent occurred, it’s just what happened.

    Sometimes when we overlook its because we are too dang tired or are in trauma and are in fight or flight and we are truly doing the best we can do.

    Where does the choice fall. Base it on your value systems.

    Do I want to have post traumatic stress or growth.

    Every piece of pain we go through can become an ally. Can become a piece of our story, compassion, personal acceptance, understanding of what others go through.

    I don’t know one single person who sustains healthy growth because they were beaten there.

    STaying in stress frequency, is rooted in guilt and shame. I need to protect and prevent and fix everything.

    Threats coming at our kids daily, getting wounded daily.

    How I want to orient myself is not fighting darkness I want to orient myself by facing and seeking light. You will see two different worlds.

    If we are seeing, we live in a time where we have more threats, darkness, issues.

    There is the opposite, there is more light, strength and love in the world than there has ever been. That’s where I want to approach it.

    As heavy as things are, never have there been more resources.

    We have more strong, resilient, more savvy, more capable young people. They are perfectly equipped for their lives, they are powerhouse beings.

    How do we focus on that strength?

    Focus our home on that light, on that goodness. Orient our homes to solutions, not problems.

    I want my home to be the safest space for my children to fail.

    What a gift to give our kids a safe space to fail.

    You are in the best time to parent that kiddo and there’s never been more resources or a tribe to find support.

    YOU'RE CRUSHING IT PARENTS!!

    You are built for what you have been called to build. These kids are yours. You are not in accidental surroundings. If you picked epic, you’re built for it.

    Come home to yourself.

    https://www.instagram.com/alliewhitespeaks/