Afleveringen
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Dating in the straight world often comes with a lot of gendered assumptions about who takes initiative, in what ways, and what sexual interactions look like. Unlearning these assumptions can be tough when beginning to pursue dates or relationships with queer folks.
Although Orion has had anonymous gay sex for two decades, he is just beginning to explore dating queer people in the light of day. In this episode, Orion interviews Vanessa, asking questions for advice on effective, kind and respectful ways to approach queer dating.
Vanessa is pansexual and has dated people of all genders, including queer and trans folks since she was 14. She caveats her perspective as limited to the life experience of a cisgender woman, including the suggestion that all dating interactions may be best approached from a beginner’s mindset, learning about each individual and their preferences.
Her proposals for respectful approaches to dating also have some universal application, including for straight men.
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Being silly is often dismissed as frivolous, inappropriate and childish, incompatible with adult responsibilities. But a lot of research shows that silly play can be a life-giving activity, increasing creativity, reducing anxiety, and deepening social connections.
While T.Max has always enjoyed being silly in playful hobbies like snowboarding and skateboarding, over the last few years, they have begun applying the same mentality to BDSM kink play. Far from the popular imagination of BDSM as whips and screaming submission in a dungeon, T.Max describes an approach to kink that includes flowers, giggles, candles and easy-going exploration.
The approach to kink that T.Max describes is not for everyone, but it does offer an entry point to kink that may feel more accessible to many people. It also presents a mindset of curiosity and openness to asking and receiving no’s that allows for trying new things while still centering enthusiastic consent.
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Zijn er afleveringen die ontbreken?
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For many people, polyamory offers a host of benefits, like sexual and emotional freedom, deep connections with multiple people, and an abundance of love. However, it’s not without challenges, like balancing time between partners and managing jealousy and expectations.
The transition from monogamy to polyamory can be rocky for people new to an idea that isn’t often represented in media and societal expectations. Adrian describes their first transition into open relationships, including their initial struggle with self-doubt and shame. Eventually, they found other polyamorous partners and developed self-acceptance around their relationship desires. They also continued learning through the experience of dating a previously monogamous partner and exploring polyamory for the first time.
Today, Adrian leads a discussion and support group on health polyamory. Through this group, they have seen many couples new to polyamory studying and discussing how to enter this world. They share patterns they have observed and recommendations on how to best shed the “monogamy hangover” to enter into sustainable and positive non-monogamy.
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When filming porn or exploring kink, like impact play, bondage, or humiliation, consent becomes more complex and nuanced than off-camera or vanilla sex. Hazel Havoc, a long-time pro-domme, pornstar and personal life kinkster, explains methods to ensure that all participants are experiencing BDSM and porn in a way that is positive and desirable.
Hazel uses a variety of communication strategies to prepare for scenes that range in their depth and formality depending on the circumstances. She shares the little card she keeps in her wallet to remind her of the categories of questions to check in about before play. She also describes the longer questionnaire she uses with more professional, complex scenes. Even with ample preparation, not every situation works for all participants; safe words, repair and aftercare are also important components of positive sex.
These approaches may be most useful for people engaging in BDSM play, or producing or starring in porn. However, the ethos of extensive conversation before, during and after play can also apply to less kinky sexual play and vanilla romantic partnerships, wherein negotiation deepens connection and trust.
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Please note that this episode includes discussion of rape and sexual assault.
Everyone processes relationship jealousy and traumatic experiences, like sexual assault, differently. Some people find that avoiding situations that cause jealousy and avoiding situations that remind them of their past experiences of assault help them remain emotionally healthy.
While these strategies are useful for many, Vanessa shares a different, potentially unconventional approach she uses to release trauma, fear and jealousy. Rather than avoiding the jealousy-provoking or triggering experiences, she leans into them, exposing herself to them in intimate settings, asking her partners for help eroticizing them through kink and sexual play.
Hearing intense details about the sexual activities of her partners and roleplaying with consensual non-consent (CNC) have allowed Vanessa to overcome years of struggle with these feelings. She offers recommendations for how this approach may be helpful for people exploring options to overcome fears like relationship abandonment and assault.
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Society’s dominant cultural narratives suggest that most couples would prefer the security of monogamous marriage. However, the explosive popularity of hotwife and swinger porn genres makes it clear that many couples, even straight married couples, have an interest in exploring more slutty, open relationship styles.
Orion Pax takes us on his journey of uncovering why he is so drawn to slutty women, especially women who have sex with anonymous men, attend adult theaters, or participate in gangbangs. He explains what emotional meaning and intimacy he derives from these relationships. He also shares how some relationships he thought were rooted in the woman’s authentic desire for slutting turned into something more monogamous.
He concludes with lessons for how to identify women who authentically desire slutty sex and how to sustain healthy meaningful connections in this relationship style.
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Coming out as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or queer was a lot harder several decades ago. Many people coped with the fear of unsafety by staying in the closet, resulting in the less often discussed experience of coming out in middle age or later in life.
While there’s more acceptance and support of queer lives today that makes it a little easier and safer for young people to come out, there are still many parts of the country where being LGBTQ is hard or even dangerous.
Local queer community leader, T.Max, came of age in conservative rural America in the 1980s where they coped with bullying and physical assault for perceived queerness by staying in the closet. Their story of survival and their choice to come out decades later at age 50 is relatable for young queer people struggling to survive today, as well as older adults exploring what T.Max refers to as a “second adolescence”.
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It’s super important to discuss regular testing and easy access to treatment for Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), but conversation about STIs usually stops there. Common medical advice usually directs you to abstain from sex for the treatment period. What they should really be saying is abstaining from genital-to-genital and genital-to-mouth contact.
Let’s get specific, folks. There’s a world of options for sexual connection and there’s no reason your sex and dating life needs to come to a screeching halt while you deal with the STI.
In this episode, I share personal experiences after a recent STI, offering 10 hot ways to wait out an STI. You’ll hear about impact and power play, kink roleplays, dildo penetration, mutual masturbation, flirting adventures, compersion, romantic connection, and more.
I hope you don’t have to experience STIs, but if you love being slutty like me, they’re a reality we just have to contend with, so we might as well have a roaring good time and learn some beautiful things about our partners and ourselves in the process.
@vanessacliff4you
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Self-reported studies suggest that less than 5% of men identify as either gay or bisexual. However, these studies depend on men openly communicating about their homosexual desires. Real-world experience indicates that there’s a much greater proportion of the male population interested in or actively engaged in sucking or fucking other men, despite otherwise publicly identifying as straight.
This episode’s guest, Orion Pax, now publicly identifies as pansexual, meaning he is attracted to people of all genders. However, for more than two decades, Orion had anonymous sex with other men. For much of that time, due to social stigma and pressures in his personal life, Orion kept these activities secret, exclusively had romantic relationships with women, and thought of himself as essentially straight.
Through two decades of experience, Orion has deep knowledge of the vast underground world of anonymous gay sex - in dark rooms, sometimes masked, sometimes behind gloryholes, sometimes in hotels, public bathrooms or parks. Orion describes the range of characters he’s met through these encounters, how people find each other, and what type of ads they post.
We discuss what benefits men gain from this limbo zone between straight and queer life. Although some men eventually choose to come out as gay, bi or pansexual, we also explore how men who choose to stay in this limbo zone can think about their participation in the underground world in a way that is most supportive of their self-love and freedom.
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It’s a common misconception that starting porn - whether that’s performing in professional shoots or producing your own content - is a death toll for romantic relationships or future dating prospects. Like any new relationship experience, stepping into porn can require some emotional work and communication, but it can also be a great source of intimacy and romantic connection.
Hazel Havoc and her husband have both separately performed in porn at different times throughout their relationship. This episode begins with a surprise story new both to the audience and Vanessa! When Hazel’s husband first attended a Cliff Media shoot, it was a big step for their relationship and brought up a lot of emotions. Hazel and her husband dive into the experience, explaining what came up for them at each step of the way, and how they navigated it together, including months later when the porn scenes came out with his many cumshots on display for millions of viewers.
Hazel’s later foray into pro-domme work led to new stages in their relationship. Through experimentation, they learned to navigate the different compartments of their professional and personal sex lives. They also eventually found that their separate roles in porn have had a positive impact on their relationship and sexual connection. These lessons have broader implications for sustained erotic connection between romantic partners.
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Beautiful social movements have seen the growth of positive social spaces for both queer and swinger or polyamorous communities. While many lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer spaces are sexually open, not all sex-positive swinger or polyamorous spaces feel safe and welcoming to queer participants.
In this episode, Adrian Martin, a long-time community organizer with a foot in both worlds, explores how sex-positive community organizations and social groups can create a more inclusive environment for queer and trans participants. Adrian describes dynamics they have seen play out preventing queer and trans people from feeling supported in sex-positive spaces. They delve into examples of spaces where beautiful choices were made to create environments that were more inclusive of diverse genders and sexual orientations.
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Everybody’s doing it, almost nobody’s talking about it, and when it is discussed, it’s rarely in a positive light. Yet, science confirms what common sense suggests: masturbation is beneficial for physical and emotional health, as well as sex and intimacy with others.
Unfortunately, the shame and silence surrounding masturbation can turn this healthy universal activity into a source of painful emotions. In this episode, Orion Pax shares his vulnerable personal journey with masturbation, including the function of masturbation at different points in his life and the root of his self-recriminating narratives about “me time”. Through affirmation from other people, Orion has since learned to accept his love of masturbation and noticed how the benefits of sexual self-care create ripple effects in other areas of life.
Orion’s story is relatable for anyone who feels embarrassment or concern about their time spent masturbating. By ending a collective “don’t ask don’t tell” approach to masturbation, we can experience its benefits without getting dragged down by junk narratives about sexual self-care.
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Impact play is a sexual kink that involves hitting someone with hands or instruments like flogs, whips, or paddles to cause consensual pain or sensation. Although this is a well-known form of BDSM, representations of this kink often leave out the complex energy exchange that takes place between participants and the mental and emotional health benefits.
In this episode, we talk with a professional domme who has provided impact for years to participants coming to her for a safe and cathartic experience. Hazel Havoc describes the heady, consuming experience of “topspace” and “subspace”, the energy exchange that occurs in these altered headspaces, and the effect that going into top and subspace can have on both participants. She shares perspectives on the role of the top in observing and responding with care to the energy of the sub, as well as guidance for how both can take care of themselves afterwards. With the right approach, this form of kink play can be a profound and healing experience.
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You can fit in the box society gives us, conforming to expectations about how we should love, have sex, raise families, work, dress, and behave. Or, if you dare to step outside the box, and you continue accepting yourself when other people tell you to get back in the box, you might find that there’s so much more room to play, room for freedom, exploration and joy out here.
But that move can be terrifying and it’s no small feat. In this episode, I share instances in my life where I felt scared and ashamed about my identity and choices, and then eventually moved through the fear to be open about who I am. From choosing to become a solo parent through anonymous conception to becoming a hardcore porn performer, and more, I share the process of finding the courage to be honest about my life.
The episode concludes with three big lessons I’ve learned from these experiences of coming out that might help you on your own growing edge of sharing who you are with the world.
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Life presents enough challenges, from inevitable death and illness to man-made strife like poverty, inequality, and war. In the face of human suffering, sexuality is an incredible outlet for joy, healing, pleasure and connection.
Yet, social norms make accessing this simple joy harder than it needs to be. In this podcast, we unpack junk narratives about which bodies, identities, relationship styles, or sexual activities are considered acceptable and reclaim the power of sexual freedom.
Recent decades have brought meaningful progress in some areas of gender and sexuality, like greater acceptance of LGBTQ people in the institution of marriage and the workplace, and access to contraception that allows women more sexual freedom. Nonetheless, dominant cultural norms still perpetuate narrow ideas about who is desirable or worthy of love and what sexual practices are appropriate. Often, these subtle, pernicious ideas operate quietly beneath the surface and show up in our hearts as shame, isolation or fear.
How do we break free? How do we learn to be and love our whole authentic selves, to find the joy and pleasure in authenticity? How do we release the fear that who we are, how we love or what we desire is a problem?
What do happiness and connection look like for people who don’t conform to idealized standards? How do we claim the power of sexual freedom for people who have a differently sized body, differently functioning brain, or different levels of mobility; people who work in the sex industry; or people who are slutty, kinky, old, Black or brown, transgender, or polyamorous?
Cliff Media is a porn production company that invites people of all walks of life to share in the exciting, scary experiment of co-creating sex-positive spaces beyond fear and shame. We encourage all good-hearted people to participate, as long as they provide STI results, sign release forms, and show up with kindness, humility and a desire to grow. Together, we produce scenes that explore themes of loving community, healthy non-monogamy, joyful kink, and empowered female and queer sexuality.
Porn is often derided as gratuitous indulgence in big boobs, hard dicks and offensive stereotypes. But if we set aside the way porn has been used by many mainstream companies and consider the medium itself, it’s actually an awesome opportunity. It’s perhaps the most widely viewed, intimate and uncensored medium, allowing creators to explore topics that go deep into our psyche, including:
Shame and acceptance of our bodies and identitiesDiversity in romantic and sexual relationshipsSexual health and ethicsSexual deviance, desire and kinkFear of rejection, judgment or lossTrauma and healingJoy, humor, kindness, and care, andThe innate human longing for affection and belonging.In this companion podcast, we dive deep into the topics that underlie our production work. Our host Vanessa Cliff, CEO of Cliff Media, talks with pornstars, participants in Cliff Media shoots, and other sex-positive community leaders.
Join us in the joy of being awkwardly human, naked and without pretence. Let’s get free.
