Afleveringen

  • I'm calmer, you're calmer

    I'm calmer, you're calmer

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    Our emotions affect the emotions of the person we are talking to in times of stress or conflict. It’s a two-way street. Wildly oversimplifying the neuroscience of it: when we are physically near each other, we are picking up on the hormones that the other person is experiencing.

    If only one of us steps aside from the negative emotions, it can have a positive effect on the other person.

    When I’m calmer, you are calmer. When you are calmer, I am calmer. You can think of it as breaking the negative cycle. Or, reorienting the cycle from negative to positive.

    You don’t need the other person to agree for you to be calmer. You don’t need to name it. By all means, do not say: “Just calm down!” Just focus on calming yourself. As you do, you will be able to reap the benefits directly and the other person, indirectly.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • It’s not the stimuli, it’s 


    It’s not the stimuli, it’s …

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    My most recent guest, Natalie McVeigh, talked with me about the neuroscience of stress and conflict. Here’s one excellent idea to highlight from our conversation. To paraphrase:

    There’s a lot of research on stress, and this one conclusion is key --

    It’s not the stimuli, it’s our response to those stimuli.

    First step, be aware. What am I feeling? Is my body telling me that I am stressed? Second step, try to understand what about that stimulus is stressing you. What is the perceived threat? Figuring that out may take a moment. So, buy some time. Take a breath. As a few minutes pass, you are allowing your body to calm itself. Ask a question, calmly. Ask more. Get some clarification. Try to unearth what stressed you. To get to a place where your body drops down from high alert to a calmer place.

    A place where you can then be able to more easily say and do things that will serve you better and will not invite or exacerbate unnecessary negative conflict.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

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  • Natalie McVeigh on the neuroscience of stress and conflict

    Natalie McVeigh on the neuroscience of stress and conflict

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    Natalie McVeigh joins me to talk about her interest in the study of neuroscience of stress and conflict and how she uses what she continues to learn about human brains, emotions, and stimuli in her work with families as a coach, consultant, and mediator. And she helps to bust a few brain myths. Here are some key points Natalie made: perception is everything. When we think about conflict we should focus not on the stimuli (which can very rarely control), but on our response to stimuli. We are 100% irrational. Our beliefs follow our behavior.

    Natalie recommended two books by Neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett: How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain andSeven and a Half Lessons About the Brain. She also mentioned Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl Pillemer.

    Find her on LinkedIn here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/nataliemcveigh/

    Find Natalie at EisnerAmper here: https://www.eisneramper.com/about-us/professional-directory/natalie-mcveigh/

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • The problem with perceptions

    The problem with perceptions

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    My perceptions are mine and yours are yours. Nothing will change that fundamental fact. Our perceptions are – logically and inevitably – deeply affected by our experiences, assumptions, and expectations. When we see important things in deeply different ways, we have options. We can take a more positive approach.

    First, we can recognize and accept that we have different perceptions. Second, we can work to avoid the risk of damage to the relationship that comes with immediately assuming that our perception is necessarily better in some way than the other person’s. Third, we can be open to more deeply understanding the other person’s perceptions.

    We may find that one or both of us can be influenced by new information and more easily value other viewpoints. We may start to see things a little differently. Even if we don’t, we can move toward respect that these varied perceptions are present, they are unique, and they will have a vital role to play in whether disagreements become creative, good conflict or damaging, bad conflict.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Free resources to learn about conflict

    Free resources to learn about conflict

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    Here are some free resources to learn about conflict: Association for Conflict Resolution is here: https://acrnet.org/

    Its Greater New York Chapter (ACR-GNY) can be found here: https://www.acrgny.org/ You can sign up for their monthly roundtable and find recordings of past roundtables there.

    The NYC-DR listserv has a wide range of posts. To join this listserv, or to sign up for the digest [i.e. one email daily], go to: http://listserver.jjay.cuny.edu/. To access listserv archives, go to: http://listserver.jjay.cuny.edu/archives/nyc-dr.html. Please register the first time you access the archives. For additional assistance contact the list administrator, Prof. Maria Volpe of John Jay College at: [email protected], 212-237-8693.

    You can find Mediate.com here: https://mediate.com/

    The Program on Negotiation at Harvard Law School can be found here:https://www.pon.harvard.edu/

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Blaine Donais on the meaning of “conflict”

    Blaine Donais on the meaning of “conflict”

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    Blaine Donais joins me to talk about a different definition of “conflict”. Blaine suggests that conflict is a perceived injurious event. We break down the three parts of that phrase and what they mean in practice, particularly in the workplace. Blaine mentions some excellent resources that inform his work:

    “The Emergence and Transformation of Disputes: Naming, Blaming, Claiming”, article by Bill Felstiner, Rick Abel, and Austin Sarat

    "Social Conflict: Escalation, Stalemate, and Settlement", book by Dean Pruitt, Jeffrey Rubin,and Sung Hee Kim

    "Getting Disputes Resolved: Designing Systems to Cut the Costs of Conflict", book by William L. Ury, Jeanne M. Brett, and Stephen B. Goldberg

    "Designing Conflict Management Systems: A Guide to Creating Productive and Healthy Organizations", book by Cathy A. Costantino and Christina Sickles Merchant

    "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most", book by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen

    To contact Blaine and learn more about his work, visit: Workplace Fairness International, https://workplacefairness.ca/ .

    Blaine’s June 6, 2024, online roundtable breakfast presentation for the Greater New York Chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution is “The EvolvingWorld Of Workplace Conflict Management”. Register for free here:https://acrgny.org/event-5727648. Later, you can access his presentation (and many others) in the ACR-GNY roundtable archives, here: https://acrgny.org/RTB-Videos.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Choosing inaction

    Choosing inaction

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    When we are faced with a situation – one that isn’t a problem at all but easily could become one, or is simmering, or volcanic, or somewhere on that spectrum – we may choose to do nothing about it. That’s a choice. Denial – refusal to admit that conflict is possible or currently exists – is not the same. It’s hard to see any circumstance in which denial is a good plan.

    Why choose to do nothing? Maybe it’s not worth it to me to act because – on balance – the cost of doing something outweighs the cost of doing nothing. Another variation? Substitute “risk” for “cost”.If I risk nothing with my refusal to bend or even engage, heck, why would I? Inaction is a good choice.

    Life is dynamic. Priorities change. Perspectives evolve. And the circumstances beyond our control can move in directions we never anticipated at speeds that surprise us. We might see the costs – or risks—of inaction tipping the balance toward action. Costs or risks that can be financial, reputational, emotional, health-related, involve harm to others we care about, or appear in any number of other ways. And then, the choice to do nothing may lose its appeal.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Judging other people’s tough choices

    Judging other people’s tough choices

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    My most recent guest was Khara Croswaite Brindle. We talked about her book, Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey Through the Estrangement Energy Cycle.

    One point that came up was the ease with which we can judge other people’s choices. This can happen in various situations, including estrangements, estate planning decisions, and succession planning in a family business. They share common pitfalls. First, so often, nothing good comes from these judgements. Next, we don’t know the whole story. Finally, as was so clear in my conversation with Khara, the fact that a choice was made never guarantees that it was an easy one for the person who made it. And not that it is easy to live with. In some circumstances, it will be best to explain the basis for the decision. Even if others disagree, there is an opportunity to understand. In others, that isn’t appropriate. Either way, the rest of us can try not to judge. Or, at least, we can keep our judgments to ourselves.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Khara Croswaite Brindle on Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships

    Khara Croswaite Brindle on Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    Khara Croswaite Brindle joins me to talk about her book, Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships: Guiding the Adult Daughter’s Healing Journey Through the Estrangement Energy Cycle. One point Khara stresses is the concept of Acknowledgement, followed by Apology, and then Action.

    You can learn more about her work and the book here: https://croswaitecounselingpllc.com/

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Easing in instead of jumping in

    Easing in instead of jumping in

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    When getting into a cold pool, lake, river, or ocean, some people want to jump in and some want to ease in. It’s a personal preference and it would be hard to say that one is genuinely better than the other. Challenging conversations may be different. Easing into a tough conversation is more likely to lead to a productive talk. If someone comes at me full steam ahead, my defensive mechanisms will jump up just as fast as the other person jumps in, talking. I can avoid assumptions. I can avoid blurting, spewing, unloading 
. I can genuinely listen to what the other person has to say. Easing in. A better bet than jumping in when the focus is human communication.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Giving away the things that don’t matter

    Giving away the things that don’t matter

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    My most recent guest, Michael Phillips, talked with me about his book, The Naked Negotiator. The book’s title comes from its focus on the basics: the principles that apply across the board to all sorts of negotiations. One idea Mike shared is “giving away the things that don’t matter.” If we think like problem solvers, and not like warriors, when we are engaged in a negotiation, we can more easily give away the things that don’t matter to us. If the other person cares a great deal about where or when to have a challenging conversation, and we don’t – why resist? And courtesy costs us nothing. We can be polite in a negotiation, even while we are being firm.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Michael W. Phillips on “The Naked Negotiator”

    Michael W. Phillips on “The Naked Negotiator”

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    Michael W. Phillips joins me to talk about his book, The Naked Negotiator. Mike chose that catchy title to capture the idea that when you strip away the specifics of a particular challenge you find the bare bones – the basic principles of negotiation. To find Mike online, search for “naked negotiator”. On X or twitter: @negotiationguru. On LinkedIn: “Michael Phillips naked negotiator” will take you to his profile.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Let’s talk about gossip

    Let’s talk about gossip

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    Can gossip have a good side? According to social scientists, even more fundamental than answering that question is accepting that we all do it and we have for many generations. Gossip can be good. Apparently, it depends on the context. Here are some ideas from an online article posted on NBC Better by Today: Psychologists say gossiping is a social skill. Here's how to know if you're doing it right.

    https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/psychologists-say-gossiping-social-skill-here-s-how-know-if-ncna1056941

    “A good gossiper is someone who people trust with information and someone who uses information in a responsible way.”

    Professor Robb Willer of Stanford University offers these takeaways to sum up his team’s research about gossip: 1. Think twice before you do it. Consider when you are doing it and who you are sharing information with. 2. Don’t gossip for personal gain. Just don’t. 3. Don’t distort the information. Just say it. It won’t be good gossip if the information is unreliable.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/ And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • WAIT: Why Am I Talking?

    WAIT: Why Am I Talking?

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    Terry Teale, my most recent guest, mentioned a useful concept: the WAIT idea. That’s W. A. I. T. A very handy and easy to understand acronym. It stands for Why Am I Talking? We can take a little time, be comfortable with silence – even if only briefly – and think before speaking. Will my contribution to a discussion be relevant? Helpful? Is now the right time? Am I the right person?

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Terry Teale on “The Art of Mediation”

    Terry Teale on “The Art of Mediation”

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    Terry Teale visits the show this week. Terry is the co-author, along with Michael Fraidenburg, of "The Art of Mediation, Key Skills for New Mediators: Exploring Challenges, Growth, and Success in Mediation". We talk about viewing mediation as charting the course to positive change, golden questions, and understanding risk. You can learn more about their work and the book here: https://www.theartofmediation.org/ You will also find free access to a chapter!

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Practicing pause behaviors

    Practicing pause behaviors

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    In our conversation about dealing with mercurial people, especially bosses, John Volturo (my most recent guest) shared insights about what to do to regulate yourself when you realize that you should take a pause before you are entangled in disagreement, or once you are. Pause behaviors can engage different parts of the body and different senses: eyes, ears, lungs, hands, and scents. It’s important to find what works for you, not someone else. Try out a few possibilities and then practice them, so you are ready when you need them.

    To learn more about John Volturo’s work and to contact him, send him a message through LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/johnvolturo/.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Revisiting vs. ruminating

    Revisiting vs. ruminating

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    When we have been involved in an unpleasant conflict with a person or people important to us, it’s not surprising if our thoughts return to a specific event or time period. Ruminating is running the same negative thoughts through your mind over and over. You don’t serve yourself well by ruminating and you don’t help the relationship, either. The same persistent negative thoughts, often self-critical, do nothing to address the conflict. By revisiting the situation in your mind, you could focus on what could have gone better. You could try to find insights that would lead to a productive conversation about the past situation or prevent a similar problem occurring in the future.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • John Volturo on dealing with mercurial people

    John Volturo on dealing with mercurial people

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    John Volturo, an executive coach, joins me to talk about dealing with mercurial people, especially bosses. John also offers insights on pause behaviors, empathy and why gossip is not always a bad thing. To learn more about his work and to contact John send him a message through LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/johnvolturo/

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Applying the Johari Window model

    Applying the Johari Window model

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    Last week, I talked about the general idea of the Johari Window Model. How do the four quadrants of the Open Area, the Blind Area, the Hidden Area, and the Unknown Area work? Full credit here to a website called HelpfulProfessor.com.: https://helpfulprofessor.com/johari-window-examples/ I encourage listeners to check out their Harry Potter example – better than any that I could create. With that small bit of explanation, you can consider how the Johari Window Model could serve you.If you are thinking about using it as a team exercise, there is lots of advice online, including on the MindTools.com website: https://www.mindtools.com/au7v71d/the-johari-window

    Less formally, you could consider how your life and self-awareness fit in the Johari Window Model.

    How could you expand the Open Area? In ways that feel right to you. Do you want to shrink your Hidden Area? In what ways? Would you like to invite informal feedback to address your Blind Area? And, finally, are you open to the possibilities that the Unknown Area may offer, now and in the future.

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

  • Understanding the Johari Window model

    Understanding the Johari Window model

    · Crafting Solutions to Conflict

    The Johari Window model is a visual framework, with four quadrants. Its goal is to improve self-awareness, including understanding your conscious and unconscious biases. The model is typically used in some sort of team setting. The workplace is the most obvious application. Extended families, too, often work together in some sense – to share time and resources. Next time a focus on putting the model into use. These websites offer particularly helpful information on the model:

    https://www.mindtools.com/au7v71d/the-johari-window and

    https://www.selfawareness.org.uk/2022/09/25/understanding-the-johari-window-model/

    Do you have comments or suggestions about a topic or guest? An idea or question about conflict management or conflict resolution? Let me know at [email protected]! And you can learn more about me and my work as a mediator and a Certified CINERGYÂź Conflict Coach at www.dovetailresolutions.com and https://www.linkedin.com/in/janebeddall/.

    Enjoy the show for free on your favorite podcast app or on the podcast website: https://craftingsolutionstoconflict.com/And you can follow us on Twitter @conflictsolving.

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