Afleveringen
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Episode takeaways:
Sue Schoormans, author of "Sink Then Swim" - shares practical insights and heartfelt stories about her search for work after relocating abroad, what led to her and her husbandâs decision to do a long-distance relationship and some surprising results of that decision. This episode is packed with insights from her lived experience.
Career Realities Abroad:
Discover practical insights for expats facing slow job markets, the importance of language and local qualifications, and what itâs really like to âstart overâ in a new professional landscapeâeven after years of high-level experience
Sink, Then Swim:
introduces her book, outlining a framework for managing lifeâs most stressful challenges abroadâfrom bereavement to finding workâemphasizing the balance between adapting to a new culture and staying true to your authentic self
Resilience & Change:
Self-knowledge is the ultimate anchor through relocation, long distance, and lifeâs transitions. Long distance isnât just a single choice but an evolving experience
Connect with Sue Schoormans
Sue Schoormans - YouTube
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Synopsis:
Illness, grief, ageing parents, dangerous situations and mental health struggles are part of life and will eventually touch most couples â including those living apart because of work. In some professions, such as humanitarian work, foreign service, military or high-travel careers, these pressures are not exceptional but part and parcel of the lifestyle itself. This episode explores some of the deeper, often overlooked realities faced by couples trying to remain connected and resilient through seasons of crisis and separation.
Other situations can arise in travel: riots or security issues in-country of travel, that âmakes the newsâ, visa issues and night in jail, travel to where insurance will not cover, travel outside of zone of communication.
8 lessons from Chapter 4 âWhen Storms Comeâ of the book Holding the Fort Abroad
Build a âCrisis Agreementâ Before You Need One
Donât wait until someone is sick, stranded or grieving to decide how you will function as a couple. Discuss practical questions in advance:
What would trigger an evacuation?When does work stop being the priority?Who flies where in an emergency?What happens if one partner cannot travel home quickly?Couples often assume they are on the same page until a crisis exposes very different expectations.
The Travelling Partner Is Still Part of Caregiving
Distance does not remove responsibility.
Holding the Fort Abroad, Chapter 4, p101-102
Even when one partner is abroad, they can still:
monitor ageing parents through regular callsnotice emotional or cognitive declinecoordinate care remotelyemotionally support the caregiving partnerhelp carry the mental loadCare is not only practical. Emotional presence matters too.
If you are living something difficult while apart at the moment, how can the travelling partner be involved, even at a distance?
The âHolding the Fortâ Partner Needs a Team, Not Hero Status
One of the hidden dangers of expat and travel-heavy life is becoming overly self-reliant.
In crisis, the strongest couples are usually the ones who already built:
neighbour relationshipsschool connectionschurch/community tiesemergency childcare optionstrusted medical contactsPaid help: parenting coaches, financial adviser, associations that offer help for free, home organiser, home help, administrative assistantIsolation turns manageable crises into overwhelming ones.
Who is in your team? What support would be helpful other than home help or babysitting/childminding?
Re-Entry After Crisis Matters
When a travelling partner finally comes home after illness, grief or emergency, couples often assume relief will instantly follow. Instead, re-entry can be surprisingly tense.
The partner at home may have developed survival routines and emotional armour. The returning partner may arrive exhausted and unsure how to step back in.
Couples need to consciously make space for reintegration instead of assuming it happens naturally.
Trauma Travels Home Quietly
Dangerous jobs do not only affect the person travelling. Trauma often enters the home silently through:
withdrawalirritabilityemotional numbnesshypervigilancedifficulty reconnectingMany globally mobile families normalise this because âthe mission matters.â But unprocessed trauma eventually affects the marriage and children too.
Holding the Fort Abroad, Chapter 4, p106-107
Long-Distance Families Need Different Definitions of Strength
Strength is not always:
coping alonenever cryinghandling everything perfectlypushing through exhaustionSometimes strength is:
calling a helpline at 3amadmitting you are overwhelmedpostponing big relationship decisions during crisisasking someone to pick up your childrenseeking outside help before things collapseWatch for âCompressed Pressureâ
In globally mobile life, crises rarely arrive one at a time.
You may simultaneously be:
solo parentingcaring for ageing parentsdealing with medical systemsgrievingnavigating international logisticsmanaging work travelsupporting children emotionallyThe problem is not always one dramatic event. It is cumulative pressure with no recovery time in between.
Donât Make Permanent Decisions Inside Temporary Storms
One of the wisest insights in the chapter is that extraordinary stress distorts perspective.
Couples often question:
the marriagethe expat lifethe travel arrangementthemselvesduring seasons where nobody is functioning normally.
Holding the Fort Abroad, Chapter 4, p99
âDonât take drastic action if exceptional circumstances strain your couple and bring difficulties between you,â cautions BĂ©atrice de Carpentier. âThese difficulties, although real, are exacerbated and may not reflect you as a couple in ânormalâ circumstances. Wait until things calm down.â Stephen Covey writes in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People of the moment that changed his life. He was perusing books in a library when he came across this statement: âBetween stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.â It is also a useful principle when responding to a crisis. Pause, just pause, even for a fraction of a second. Remember, in that time, to include yourself in the response-scenario.In the next episode
Chapter 5 is on Parenting Together. (Chapter 5) The RC has a workshop about that too.
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Zijn er afleveringen die ontbreken?
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Episode takeaways:
Holding the Fort Abroad â real stories, practical tools, emotional support
Series description
A podcast series for the partner managing life at home while their spouse/partner travels for work. Based on my Holding the Fort Abroad book.
If you are the one away or anyone supporting families where one parent works away, this episode is a must listen to understand what a holding the fort parent is going through. .
If you are carrying the parenting load, emotional load, decision fatigue or feeling alone in your relationship, each episode shares a short reading from my book Holding the Fort Abroad, some behind the scenes, and practical ways to feel more supported and less alone.
Episode 3: Strengthening Long Distance Relationships (LDR): Building a Joint Life Beyond Logistics
What is going on?
LDR is a big topic
Effects of distance on the couple relationshipComing back together again and leaving wellConflict and RepairDifferent media to communicateTechnology for connection and intimacyTrustDifferent couple stages: new couples, long term couples, with children, with no children, how many times you see each other, how far apart you areTimezonesBenefits/ReasonsA lot of generic advice on social media
Three main points:
1. Create a Joint Life
Book Excerpt: Chapter 3 pp63-67Work on a Project togetherMake PlansShare daily trivia2. More than logistics
Book Excerpt: Chapter 3 pp73-77Share an activityPlay!What do you talk about?What kind of couple are you?Write letters3. Know yourself and know your partner
Book Excerpt: Chapter 3 p77John Gottman â7 Principles for Making Marriage WorkâAttachment Style: anxious or avoidant or disorganised? Watch this video to find out more: The Impact of Attachment Styles on Trust in Long Distance Relationships - YouTubeTake the attachment quizCross cultural communicationResource Centre link
If you want to go deeper and find out more, you can find more tip sheets and workshops in my Resource Centre Apart But Together: Resources for Split Location Families
Reflection prompts
What currently makes us feel like a team rather than two people managing separate lives?What is something new we could build together even while apart?When was the last time we had a conversation that was not about calendars, children, travel, finances, or problems to solve?Under stress, do I tend to pursue connection, withdraw, become controlling, over-function, or shut down?If you want the full list of questions, you can download it here.
In the next episode
Chapter 4: âWhen Storms Comeâ
Further resources
Gregory Guldner, âLong DIstance Relationships: The Complete Guideâ John Gottman â7 Principles for Making Marriage WorkâHTFA Podcast Episodes:
#5 Facing the Challenges of Expat Life Together â Vivian Chiona#16 Relationship Caregiving â Dr Wiebke Anton#24 Myths that threaten Split Location Marriages â Jennie Linton#37 Love Knows No Borders: Connection and Intimacy in long-distance relationships â with Phillips Hwang#72 Long-Distance Love: Handling Porn, Apps and Real Talk â with Karina Lagarrigue#81 Improve your long distance relationships with attachment â with Bryan Power#86 (Re) Build Intimacy in Long Distance Relationships â with Dr. Veronique Elefant-YanniContact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Episode takeaways:
Series description:
This is Part 2 of a podcast series for the partner managing life at home while their spouse/partner travels for work. Based on my Holding the Fort Abroad book.
If you are the one away or anyone supporting families where one parent works away, this episode is a must listen to understand what a holding the fort parent is going through.
If you are carrying the parenting load, emotional load, decision fatigue or feeling alone in your relationship, each episode shares a short reading from my book Holding the Fort Abroad, some behind the scenes, and practical ways to feel more supported and less alone.
Episode 2: The professional side of Frequent Business Travel and Unaccompanied Assignments for the Home Based Parent
What is going on?
Most WHTF (Working Holding the Fort) Parents make adaptations to their jobs, change their working status, outsource like crazyFinding your Passion Being your own Manager and making your own Personal Development PlanBook Excerpt
Chapter 2 pp51-53, 55-56
Takeaway
Step 1: For parents who have stopped working, use the S.E.E.D.S. Framework if you donât know what you would want to build. At the very least, it is important to do something that you enjoy doing. Plant S.E.E.D.S for your future - Rhoda Bangerter
Step 2: If you know where you are heading, Be your own manager and make a Personal Development Plan.
Remember to take the long view and not compare to the parent who has never moved, has a large extended family nearby who helps and does not have a spouse/partner who is away for work! We cannot compare our professional trajectories to theirs (I regularly have to remind myself too)
Step 3: For parents who are working outside the home as well as being the home based parent, make accommodations for this specific life situation. In the Copeland study of the impact of business travel on 68 partners, 22% had changed their working status due to their partner's travel.
Accommodations that can be done:
the home-based parent works locallythe home-based parent working part-timeone or both negotiate flexible timea lot of outsourcing for helpthe travelling parent places limits by identifying where they can control their travel (e.g. 2 weeks instead of 3 weeks because more efficient, or traveling on Mondays as much as possible instead of Sundays)The travelling parent avoids back-to-back tripsResource Centre link
If you want to go deeper and find out more, I have recorded a video with an accompanying worksheet on planting SEEDS. You can purchase it on my website. This framework is part of the full Resource Center (CHF 149). If you purchase the Resource Centre later, this amount is deducted.
Reflection prompts
For the parent who has stopped working and investing in themselves:
What will happen if I do not invest in myself?Where will I be in five years if I just wait for growth to happen?How will I get where I want to go if I choose not to invest in myself?If I zoom out 10 years, what do I want to have built, beyond just âgetting throughâ?For the parent who is working outside the home and has a travelling partner:
Am I trying to maintain a life structure that no longer fits my realityWhat support would I ask for if I believed this situation was legitimately demanding?In the next episode
In the next episode I will cover Chapter 3, how to become a stronger couple even when apart. How to create a joint life, how to fight and repair at a distance, what can disrupt a relationship when it is long-distance. Make the distance work for you both!
Further resources
Amel Derragui The Time is Now Marketing Strategist for Solopreneurs if you are starting or have your own business
van der Klis, M., & Karsten, L. (2009). The commuter family as a geographical adaptive strategy for the workâfamily balance. Community, Work & Family, 12(3), 339-354
Copeland, A. (2009a). Voices from home: the personal and family side of international short-term assignments.
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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This episode is Part 1 of a new series based on my book 'Holding the Fort Abroad' (HTFA). It is mainly for the partner managing life at home while their spouse/partner travels for work.
If you are the one away or anyone supporting families where one parent works away, this episode is a must listen to understand what a holding the fort parent is going through. .
When one parent travels for work, the holding the fort parent often carries a heavy physical and emotional load. It can lead to decision fatigue, burnout or feeling alone in your relationship. Each episode in this series shares a short reading from my book Holding the Fort Abroad, some behind the scenes, and practical ways to feel more supported and less alone.
A workshop coming up!
If you are the Holding the Fort Parent, join me for the Physical and Emotional Reset Workshop on 8 May 2026.
Sign up here. Take 90 minutes to create a plan to get more peace, find your purpose, reduce overwhelm, include your husband/partner in parenting.
Episode introduction
Book Excerpt: Introduction, ppv-vii
Back story: when I wrote HTFA, I wanted to capture the rawness of my experience. Interviews opened up new discoveries of what I was experiencing. I also realised that so many people lived it. And across so many professions: humanitarian, diplomatic, rotation workers in energy sector, mining, oil and gas, entertaining. The common thread is the absence from home and the potential for overload for both parents.
Chapter 1 of the book I cover this and how common it is in expat life. Moving abroad and then partner absence. Adds a layer to challenges of expat life, loss of identity, loss of social network, loneliness, challenges for professional life.
What I have learned since: it is not only for expats, it is about connection when in multiple locations
Episode 1 â Navigating feelings when your spouse/partner travels for work
The emotional side of frequent business travel and work away from home for the home based parent
Book Excerpt: Chapter 2, pp17-20
Emotional intensity
The type of life that we lead when one parent is absent for work is one of the biggest challenges and also opportunities to increase capacity to regulate big feelings: disappointment, uncertainty, resentment (read excerpt). This is not a failure of coping â it is a normal response to carrying increased responsibility while missing your partner in daily life. One or more of these comes up pretty regularly in my interviews and in my conversations with home based parents (those who have finished with it and those who are still in the middle of it)
Behind the scenes
Recognising when I have big feelings and what to do with them is something that I continue to work on. It is connected to our nervous systems and stress levels. I would say that finding ways to express and regulate our big emotions is going to be the biggest win for this kind of life. It will help communication in our relationships, it brings peace to our lives, we will be able to respond instead of react, I literally had this a few weeks ago in my own life and I used all the tools at my disposal to regulate without suppressing.
Practical Insight:
Step 1 â Notice the signals
Common signs of emotional overload:
clenched jawtight shouldersshallow breathingirritabilityfeeling mentally overloadedstomach tensionfeeling unappreciated or unseenAwareness is the first step toward regulation.
Step 2 â Try one regulation tool
One tool that some listeners find helpful is Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping).
I explored this in Episode 43: How to Calm Intense Emotions with Eleni Vardaki.
Tapping #43 How to calm intense emotions with tapping â with Eleni Vardaki - Rhoda Bangerter
Step 3 â Build your emotional toolbox
I have a physical and emotional toolkit
I have a Physical toolkit i.e. calm intense emotions with heat among other things (I am not talking about increasing the temperatures in my home. Physical activity for some. (Chris Moyerâs episode for men and their emotions)I have an Emotional toolkit: Space for sadness, Space for stillness and silence, Call it out and name it (often in a journal)Reinforces agency.
The goal is not to eliminate difficult emotions.
The goal is to develop enough support tools so the emotions do not run the household.
Resource Centre link
If you want to go deeper and find out more, you will find top tip sheets on dealing with intense emotions Workbook on resentment, Life balance and Life Satisfaction (helps identify areas that irritate us) You will find this one at the back of the book as well.
Access the Resource Centre here: www.rhodabangerter.com/individuals
In Chapter 2, I explore the importance of taking responsibility for your own needs, asking for support, knowing what is important for you, celebrating your successes. You will find resources to help you with each of these five elements in the resource centre too.
Reflection prompts
Which emotion shows up most often when your partner travels?How easily do you notice when you are experiencing a strong emotion? 1-5What physical signs tell you you are reaching capacity?
clenched jawtight shouldersshallow breathingirritabilityfeeling mentally overloadedstomach tensionfeeling unappreciated or unseenWhat already helps you regulate stress?
What is currently in your emotional toolbox?
What might you add to your emotional toolbox this season?
hot water bottlecream on my feet, or hands,spiky ball,orangeblute tea,self havening,bare feet on grass or ground (grounding),tappingjournalingspace for sadnesssilence and solitudeIn the next episode
In the next episode I will cover another aspect of personal wellbeing and development when you are the home based parent: and that is your professional life, your personal growth and pursuing your passions. This is something that is affected by a partner who travels.
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Episode Takeaways:
Flor Garcia has experience of frequent business travel in family life, and now that her children have grown up she explains to us how she and her husband adapted frequent business travel with children who have flown the nest! Flor works across cultures and helps organisational leaders deliver sustainable, cost effective solutions for global teams. She is also the President of Families in Global Transitions.
Key Takeaways
Florâs story and message to new mums with travelling partners
Flor was born and raised in Venezuela, where she lived until age 22. In 2002, she left her homeland, got married, and settled in the southern United States. There, she and her husband started their family, welcoming their first son just a year and a half after marriage as her husband worked on building his career and started travelling. She acknowledged the loneliness of those years and offers hope.She emphasizes self-compassion: âYou donât have to know it all or do it all perfectly.âAvoid isolation and seek connections, even if language or cultural barriers feel daunting.Your capacity for resilience and adaptability is a gift to your children.âthere is the hope of knowing that, you know, you're raising children that are going to grow in a way that they are going to learn by example what it is to be, to adjust, to adapt, to be agile. In different circumstances, they see their mothers juggling and trying different things.â
Careers & Community:
The importance of nonlinear, portable careersâembracing flexibility and finding the common thread in your professional path.Families in Global Transition (FIGT) is a supportive community for anyone navigating globally mobile lifestyles. It offers resources, networking, and opportunities for learning and growth.Adapting in New Seasons:
With grown children, Flor Garcia now joins her husband on trips, enjoying new routines and intentional reconnection as a couple.She highlights the importance of being intentional about rediscovering partnership when transitioning into âbird launcherâ parents (i.e. children flying the nest)Flor Garcia is a global cultural strategy leader who advises senior executives on how to lead and perform across complexity. With over 15 years of experience, she has partnered with multinational organizations to align culture, leadership, and business strategy across regions.
Flor is known for translating cultural dynamics into practical leadership actions that improve decision-making, alignment, and performance. She has led large-scale global initiatives reaching thousands of leaders across the Americas, EMEA, and APAC.
As President of Families in Global Transition, she also supports a global community navigating identity, mobility, and belonging across borders.
Fluent in English, Spanish, and German, Flor brings both lived experience and strategic rigor to her work.
She is the co-founder of Leading Across Culture, where she helps organizations turn cultural complexity into clarity, connection, and growth.
Connect with Flor
LinkedIn
Leading Across Culture
Find out more about Families in Global Transitions (FIGT) at Families in Global Transition - Home
Two events you may be interested in:
FIGT is holding a session on nonlinear careers in June -ideal for anyone wrestling with professional transitions across borders (43:17).
FIGT April Forum: Connect with globally-minded peers and experts, membership optional.
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Synopsis:
Practical strategies for families when one parent works away. Part 1 is on the importance of naming your family structure to reduce stress and avoids future regret.
Part 2 highlights the power of using language that reinforces family experience and teamwork.
Part 3 looks at the triangulation relationship between At Home Parent, Travelling Parent and Child and how that helps reinforce bonds across the distance.
Keywords: travelling parents, connected family life, parent away from home, long-distance family
The first of a 3-episode series:
Episode 89 Recognise it for what it isEpisode 90 Reframe as WEEpisode 91 Re-enforce The Bond Across the DistanceThese are mainly findings from my Masters thesis, where I interviewed adults who had grown up with a father who travelled frequently for work.
The Travelling ParentDoes not necessarily communicate with the Child when awayIs in communication with At Home Parent and Child knows itIs always involved when home (outings to the park, hiking, biking, restaurant)âI knew he cared because he cared when he was homeâ
Watch out for how technology can take away that presence from home timeThe At Home ParentThe role of the at home parent was highlighted as crucial in the evolving and developing relationship between the travelling parent and the child.
Keeps Child informed of traveling parentâs whereabouts and comings and goingsKeeps Travelling Parent informed of what is happening with Child and makes sure Travellng Parent is involved in Childâs big eventTeaches communication between Child and Travelling Parent. Facilitates phone calls.Positive Portrayal of Travelling ParentâMy mum was putting up this really good image of my father that he is pretty much involved in our life, even though he physically was traveling. And the reason why he was, because of us, to give us a life that we did not have to worry about anythingâ
Consider your own triangular relationship.
Questions to ask yourself:
What do you and your partner communicate to each other about the Child?As the At Home Parent how do you:Portray the Travelling Parent to the Child?Facilitate their relationship?As the Travelling Parent:How do you keep informed about your Childâs life, interests and needs?What can you ask of your At Home Partner that would help you stay connected to your Child?Find out how you can use the ICAN Model: Distance Parenting: How the ICAN Model Helps Families Stay Connected When One Parent Travels - Rhoda Bangerter
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Synopsis:
Practical strategies for families when one parent works away. Part 1 is on the importance of naming your family structure to reduce stress and avoids future regret.
This episode (Part 2/3) highlights the power of using language that reinforces family experience and teamwork.
Keywords: travelling parents, connected family life, parent away from home, long-distance family
The first of a 3-episode series:
Episode 89 Recognise it for what it isEpisode 90 Reframe as WEEpisode 91 Re-enforce The Bond Across the DistanceEpisode 2 Reframe as WE
1. Do a Language Audit
Do you emphasise teamwork and working together as a family?
When I speak with people who work far from home, and when I speak with their spouses at home, what I am hearing is one family narrative, one family story.
Even though you are not under the same roof, the way that people talk is âmy familyâ, âthis is what we are doing for the familyâ
Example: Colleen EP 71 about transitions in global life
And then there's the emotional side. So for things, things like grief, you can power through for a while, but at some time, some point, I know our family, we've been learning it's better to just give it some space because it's going to come anyway.
2. Family
The overwhelming majority of participants of my research for my Masters mentioned the word âfamilyâ over 10 times during their interviews although the questions related to what their childhood was like with a travelling parent, communication with their travelling parent, how they knew their parent cared
âI think the important thing is finding family rituals in the sense of figuring out what are things you enjoy doing together as a familyâ
Parents working as a team also strongly came out in the interviews.
3. Family Project
Whether one of you frequently travels or lives and works in another county, consider this from a project management perspective and treat it as a whole family project. It is a project after all, with stakeholders: you and your spouse, your children, certain members of your extended family, close friends will all be âkey stakeholdersâ in your family project.
âKey stakeholders can make or break the success of a project. Even if all the deliverables are met and the objectives are satisfied, if your key stakeholders arenât happy, nobodyâs happy.â ADRIENNE WATTCreate joint meaning, work towards a common goal, and celebrate the wins along the way, even at a distance!!
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Synopsis:
Practical strategies for families when one parent works away, and how naming your family structure reduces stress and avoids future regret.
Keywords: travelling parents, connected family life, parent away from home, long-distance family
The first of a 3-episode series:
Episode 89 Recognise it for what it isEpisode 90 Reframe as WEEpisode 91 Re-enforce The Bond Across the DistanceEpisode 1: What Are We Recognising
Main Takeaways
Youâre not broken. Your family isnât unusual. This is a legitimate family form.
Different names
Split Family International AssignmentsMulti location families, Split Location FamiliesNon family duty stationsUnaccompanied PostingsFrequent Business TravelDifferent lengths of time
A few weeks at a timeLiving and working in another countryDifferent sectors, different scenarios, different reasons
Same absence, same toing and froing
Similar challenges, big emotions, hidden load
The parent at home becomes default parentThe travelling parent fears losing connectionAmbiguous grief for childrenSame potential for regret
Two well-known studies:
Impact on Spouses of World Bank StaffAnne Copeland, Interchange Institute, Voices from Home and Voices from the Road2. Why naming and recognising it matters
Not recognising it and âjust getting on with itâ can lead to regrets later onUnderestimating impact on self and others and self blameCouples often donât anticipate systemic impact. Recognising and naming it allows to put things in place. It gives structure.3. How do we name it?
Importance of not mis-labeling: single parent, absent parent.
Labels that undermine the travelling parent
Absent parentNot really therePart-time parentWeekend dad / weekend mumSecondary parentThe one who leftThe one who is never hereVisitor in the homeFinancial provider onlyFun parent (implies superficial involvement)Reduces authority, legitimacy of travelling parent
Child may internalise:
They are less importantTheir parent is less committedTheir family is less stableEven if not true
Labels that overload the home-based parent
Single parent (when still in intact partnership)Solo parentParenting aloneDoing it allThe real parentPrimary parent (can be neutral in research but harmful in family narrative depending on tone)Why harmful:
Removes the psychological presence of the travelling parent.
Increase overload of home parent
Child may internalise:
One parent is carrying everythingThe other parent is peripheralFamily system is incompleteIncrease anxiety in childrenThese labels are harmful because they imply deficiency, abandonment, or dysfunction, rather than recognising structure and adaptation.
Wrong labels are often unintended.
Reasons:
Lack of better languageTrying to express difficultySeeking validationCultural default languageNot malicious. But still impactful.
Avoid deficiency labels.
Use structural labels.
Examples:
Instead of:
Absent parent â Travelling parentInstead of:
Single parent â Parent at homeInstead of:
Not here â Working away, still part of usDo a Language Audit and Create A Family Narrative (Listen to #58)
3. Lived Experience
7 Interviews of adults that have grown up with a travelling fatherAcross sectors (military, business, airline, non-profit sector) and continents (all continents represented) small sample but the same topics came up) and homogenous experience of this father who was gone and came backMany it was the first time they were thinking about it from this angle, started having conversations before the interviews and after the interviewsAll had good relationships with fathers, wanted more time with them, knew them more as a friend I did not have an absent father.Looked at the systemic strategies how both parents worked together that will be the next episode. More in Episodes 2 & 3Episodes to Listen to
#55 Michael Pollock, #48 Lucas, #36 Anaju, #45 Ophelia, #51 Katia Vlachos, #46 Irene
Many more from the point of views of mothers and fathers
Conclusion
Shift from uncertainty, vague experience and hidden challenges to âWe are a multi-location... -
Synopsis:
Andrea Schmitt shares what it felt like to be the spouse of someone working the hotel industry and who travelled a lot. Listen to what helped her keep the family connected, and what she wishes more families understood about growing up and loving across international moves and frequent travel. Andrea is a clinical psychologist and she coaches expat teen girls, helping them make sense of identity, belonging, and the emotional ups and downs that come with a mobile life.
âHe travels 50% a monthâ
You have a choice
Andrea Schmitt opens up about how she managed loneliness as a âtrailing spouseâ and later as a âtrailing mom.â She highlights the power of intentionally choosing her situation, seeking out international communities, and repeatedly putting herself out there to build new connectionsâeven when it meant being vulnerable time and again.
âI sat myself down and I thought âit feels like you don't have a choice, but you doâŠI loved us as a family, and I thought â how can I manage better? And that's when everything sort of shifted and I became less resentful because I had the feeling that I chose being thereâ
Staying Connected as a Family
With her husband away so much, keeping the family bonded was a real challenge. âGood morningâ and âgood nightâ, especially with their daughter, Jessica, were always time for check in, even quick, and even if they landed in the middle of the night for Andreaâs husband.
âhe would always make time whenever he had a little break. And he has this particularly nice habit. He, not me. He will always pick up the phone, even if he's in a meeting. And he will at least say, I'm in a meeting, I will call you backâŠIt's like he's always there. He will always pick up.â
He invented Action Family with different characters. At night, in person or on the phone, dad and daughter would spend sometimes hours making up stories about this family. This went on for years and years. âThat continued at night in whatever country, in whatever time zone. So at night for us, for Jessica. It was their thingâ says Andrea.
When her husband was home, Andrea would deliberately find activities to do that would give her husband space to parent. She also created a photo album of her husband, the places where he grew up, photos of him with Jessica. It was even small enough that she could take it on holidays with her and they would look at it often when dad was not around.
Andrea would also update her husband on Jessicaâs schooling and what was going on in their lives when he was away. Now that their daughter is an adult, she has different topics she shares with each parent and âthere is no need to update each other on thoseâ
Attachment with the travelling parent
Changes in return dates, constant coming and going, grief when a parent leaves home can take a toll on the relationship between travelling parent and child.
If you know about attachment style and you look at the four different ones, you know which one you want to avoid for their future.
To find out more about attachment styles and travelling parenting, you can listen to episode #82 How to nurture parent child attachment when work travelling
Supporting Kids Through Transition
As both a mom and coach, Andrea underscores the importance of scaffolding positive childhood experiences for kids growing up in globally mobile familiesâbalancing normal teen issues with the extra layers of moving countries and parental absence.
Key PCS are:
Emotional Connection: The ability to talk with family about feelings.Safety and Support: Feeling safe, protected, and supported by adults in the home.Community and Belonging: A sense of belonging in school, having friends, and participating in community traditions.Mentorship: Having at least two non-parent adults who genuinely care.Positive Childhood Experiences (PCEs) Inventory
Practical Advice for Globally Mobile Families
Donât dismiss the challenges (âkids are resilientâ isnât enoughâsupport and scaffolding are needed).
Tiny rituals make a big impactâwhether itâs a 30-second call, a special story, or bringing home a small gift as a symbol of care.
Keep educating yourself about expat family dynamics and attachment. There are more resources than ever to help you navigate.
Andrea and her co-host Matthieu Gagnon now offer the TCK Research Podcast, breaking down research on third culture kids (TCKs), expats, and globally mobile families.
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Another episode from the Top Five most listened episodes. This conversation is with Margaret Ghielmetti.
Margaret knows what it is like to be home alone when she thought she was moving abroad with her husband and not moving abroad waiting for her husband to come home. She talks about her journey from thinking she would be fine to the reality she encountered to finally being open about needing help and creating a life for herself on her own terms.
In this Episode: The metaphorical life handbook we receive from our families.Why Margaret was surprised by the effect of her husbandâs travelling although she (thought she) knew what she had signed up for.Supporting each other when not in the same place. Expressing your needs.Sharing the blessing of allowing others to help us.Stop saying âIâm fineâ.Deciding non-negotiables for you! Keeping soft boundaries.Casting a wide net.Feeling lonely when you feel you should be feeling lucky.
Contact Margaret:âBravi(ish): A Memoir of a Recovering Perfectionistâ
www.margaretghielmetti.com
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Synopsis:
Clinical psychologist Dr. Veronique Elefant-Yanni guides us on how to (re)build emotional intimacy for couples separated by frequent business travel or international assignments. Drawing on her 25 years of experience and her innovative 3D Human Therapy, she explains why sharing day-to-day experiencesâeven trivial onesâis essential. The conversation covers the invisible pressures of expat life, how to recognize and address codependency, and practical strategies to reconnect across distance. This episode offers actionable advice for maintaining meaningful relationships when work and geography pull families apart.
1. Small Daily Exchanges Build and Preserve Intimacy Sharing everyday experiencesâeven a passing thought, a funny encounter, or a fleeting feelingâis vital for emotional closeness.
For families dealing with frequent travel or split assignments, these âsmall talkâ exchanges provide the threads that keep relationships strong. It's not the depth of each conversation that matters, but maintaining a consistent flow of communication that mirrors daily life together. When partners make space for regular sharing, even via text or short calls, it helps them reconnect and avoid becoming strangers.
2. Healthy Relationships Require Psychological Independence Balanced couples are made up of individuals who can both âstand on their own two feetââfunctioning independently rather than relying on each other for emotional validation.
Frequent travel or split family assignments amplify this need. When partners fall into codependency, it can lead to resentment and dysfunction. Working on personal growthâby cultivating self-worth and independenceâempowers couples to share genuine love, rather than need. This foundation is essential for surviving the unique stresses of expatriate or traveling lifestyles.
3. Communication Is CrucialâDonât Assume, Speak Up Open dialogue about stress, loneliness, or frustration is necessary, especially when life circumstances mean one partner is away and the other is settling in alone.
Expat couples often assume the other understands their burdens, but Dr. Veronique Elefant-Yanni stresses the importance of expressing what youâre experiencing (âYour partner doesnât know what you go through, so you have to speakâ). This is especially important so accompanying spouses donât feel invisibleâcommunication is the lifeline that maintains empathy and support.
4. Addressing Internal Conflict and Rebuilding Self-Trust Emotional independence often means facing and diffusing internal conflictâlike fear, anger, or self-doubtâthat might be rooted in early experiences. Dr. Veronique Elefant-Yanniâs 3D Human Therapy model gives practical ways to restore trust in oneâs own feelings and decisions. For those separated by work, understanding this process is key to avoiding self-sabotage and ensuring that interactions with loved ones remain constructive and authentic. Her free online guide offers tools for self-work, allowing listeners to begin healing and rebuilding from afar.
Contact Dr Elefant-Yanni
Dr. Elefant-Yanni knows that expat life isnât always glamorous â it can be disorienting, lonely, and full of invisible pressures. As a Clinical Psychologist with over 25 years of experience and the creator of 3D Human TherapyÂź, she supports internationally mobile individuals and couples to recentre, rebuild connection, and reclaim their vitality. Originally from France and now based between Switzerland and Singapore, VĂ©ronique works fully online in French and English, helping clients across continents reconnect with their inner compass.
Website: https://psychologyexperts.online/
Free guide: www.psychologyexperts.online/3dform
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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For the next few months, I will be publishing one new episode every first Monday of the month. The second monthly episode will be a replay of the most popular episodes.
My interview with Vivian Chiona is a top FIVE.
Vivian is the founder of Expat Nest, online counselling service for internationals. She is a registered psychologist with Masterâs degrees in both Child & Adolescent Psychology and Health Psychology. She was recognised in 2020 as one of the 100 most influential women in the world by Women appreciating Women. She is bicultural with family all over the world, Vivian is familiar with the international community and inspired by its diversity.
In this episode, she shares top strategies for long distance couples.
Enjoy!
Warmly
Rhoda
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Episode takeaways:Define Your âWhyâ â Together: Susana Ortega highlights the importance of being crystal clear on your personal, familial, and professional reasons behind such big life decisions. Itâs not enough to move because itâs required; when your âwhyâ is aligned and discussed as a family, it becomes a pillar of resilience during times apart.Set Clear Timeframes & Reevaluate as Needed: Open-ended separations can take a toll. Susanaâs methodâsetting boundaries on time apart and regularly reevaluating the arrangementâkeeps everyone grounded and allows for easier transitions (and renegotiations) as circumstances change.Consistent Communication Anchors Connection: Whether itâs daily FaceTime calls during a morning dog walk or creative âmatchmakingâ to keep kids and a traveling parent close, finding practical ways to stay in touch can transform how families experience separation. These small habits foster ongoing emotional bonds, no matter the miles between.Silver Linings: Susana found an unexpected confidence in managing teenage years and family life solo, realizing she was much stronger than she had thought. Her children, meanwhile, grew up grounded, flexible, and always felt part of a close-knit family, no matter the distance.
Special Offer: Heading home for the holidays? Susana is offering personalized one-on-one sessions to help you prepare, handle tricky family dynamics, and return to your expat life feeling recharged and confident. Connect with her via Instagram at Abroad with Susanna.
About Susana:
Susana Ortega Roig was born in Barcelona in 1969. She lived, studied, and built a life there until a beautiful twist of fate changed everything. In 1997, she married Toru which opened the door to a global adventure that has shaped her for more than 28 years.
From Barcelona to Tokyo, Brussels, Frankfurt, Amsterdam, Singapore, and back again, her life has been a rich tapestry of love, challenge, and discovery. Our two boys, Shoh (born in Tokyo) and Daigo (born in Frankfurt), grew up as true Third Culture Kids. And when Toruâs work sent him to SĂŁo Paulo and later Los Angeles, they made the decision she would to stay in Amsterdam so their sons could finish school â a difficult chapter, but one they navigated with heart and resilience.
Her mission is to support expat spouses and mums who find themselves in a new country, feeling disconnected, lonely, or unsure where to begin.
For direct support, connect with Susana via her website abroadwithsusana.com and instagram @abroadwithsusana
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Synopsis:
Todayâs episode is for anyone experiencing relationship strain due to frequent work travel or international assignments. My guest, Ian Orton, counsellor and founder of People Care Matters, has spent 35 years supporting professionals who work far from home and the families affected by these separations. We discuss how travel impacts connection, how distance can slowly create emotional drift, and how couples and families can intentionally maintain closeness even when time apart is unavoidable.
I think frequent travel is a part of the whole deal with relief and development work and with other NGO work. There's often a huge amount of travel. And I've come across it where people have said that home is really an aeroplane seat, or it's on a train somewhere, or it's in the car traveling between places
Key Takeaways:
Performance at Work Is Often Linked to Home Life
Disrupted family relationships and stress from prolonged separations commonly impact work performance. Pastoral support and organizational care are vital when international work or frequent travel creates tension at home, affecting focus and well-being on the job. Recognizing this interplay helps organizations and individuals respond more compassionately and proactively.
Frequent travel impacts everyoneâbe proactive
Whether youâre the one traveling or the partner holding things together at home, Ian highlighted that both sides face stress, and the drifting apart can happen without realizing it. He suggests annual reevaluations, prioritizing quality time, and even creative exercises to keep connections strong. Intentional Relationship Maintenance is essential is just as crucial in frequent travel scenarios as in long-term split-living.
Reintegration Takes Planning and Skill
Returning home after being away can upset established family routines and dynamics. Both partners should learn negotiation and communication skills to ease reintegration and avoid unnecessary conflict. Periodic check-ins and adjustments help families re-establish connection instead of feeling like intruders in their own homes.
Organizational Support Goes Beyond the Employee
Employers should recognize the impact of travel/split assignments on non-employee family members. Offering resources, pastoral care, or flexibility acknowledges that spouses and children also need support. When leaders or HR notice decreased performance or well-being, addressing underlying family stresses is just as important as work-focused interventions.
Trusted Advisers Offer Perspective and Support
Cultivating honest relationships outside the immediate family â with peers, mentors, or experienced friends â provides invaluable perspective and accountability. Trusted advisers can help spot challenges early, offer practical wisdom, and keep families aligned with their values as contexts and needs shift over time.
Contingency and Crisis Planning Is Crucial
Families separated by work should actively plan for emergencies: legal documentation, guardianship, communication protocols, and scenario planning. This forward thinking reduces anxiety and ensures stability for children and spouses when unexpected events occur. Proactive conversations about âwhat ifâ scenarios help everyone feel safer and more prepared.
Ianâs experience and honesty about his own journey serve as a valuable resource for all global professionals and families managing work life and family life when time away from family is routine.
the organizational duty of care, it seems to me, can be to really encourage people to have those great conversations and to overcome some of those difficulties without going down the well worn pathways of meeting their own needs in wrong ways or just becoming angry people or the convenience of having another assignment to go away to.
Listen to the episode for actionable strategies and real stories, or check out the show notes for extra resources.
Action Steps You Can Take Now:
Assess your current habits: Are you prioritizing family time, or has travel slowly shifted your priorities without you realizing?Plan periodic ârelationship auditsâ and ask, âWhat do we want to be known for as a family?âEngage with your community and seek feedbackâsometimes, an outside perspective helps us see what weâre missing.Remember, investing in family connection now leads to stronger relationships in the long termâdonât wait until retirement to find out youâve drifted apart!
Itâs never too late to make positive changesâintentionality and communication go a very long way.
Contact Ian Orton
By Email at: [email protected]
Ianâs Counselling Directory Page https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellors/ian-orton
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Synopsis:
âBuilding an attachment culture, which is what I'm talking about, is a way to just make kids feel more connected more often. That doesn't depend on just you being with them. When you have this culture built around them, they feel more connected more often.â
If youâve ever worried about how frequent travel or long work assignments away from home affect your connection with your children, this episode is for you. This week, host Rhoda Bangerter sat down with expert guest Todd Sarner - licensed marriage family therapist and former Neufeld Institute faculty member - to unpack the science of attachment and how families can build secure, lasting bonds even when parents are separated by distance.
Key Takeaways from Todd Sarner:
Attachment Is a Lifelong Journey: Todd emphasises that attachment isnât just about those early baby yearsâitâs a âcradle to grave phenomenon.â Whether your child is a toddler or heading into adulthood, the quality of your connection matters far more than the quantity of time spent together.Connection over Perfection: Parenting is a long-term project: what matters most is that children feel loved, understood, and supportedâeven if things arenât perfect every day.Signals and Responses: Kids express their emotional needs in different waysâsometimes directly (âDo you love me?â), other times through acting out or even directly saying âyou donât love meâ. Both are invitations for connection, and Toddâs advice is simple: donât take it personally. Respond with compassion, not reactivity.Three-Phase Approach for Attachment:
Attachment & Connection: Always gather that sense of connection first, whether face-to-face or on a video call. Simple gestures like getting your childâs attention and eye contact matter.Ritual & Structure: Create rituals that bring predictabilityâeven if routines shift when a parent is away. Consistency in consequences and boundaries helps children feel secure, no matter the setting. This is especially important when the rhythms change on departure days and return days. Even if it is okay for there to be âtwo rhythmsâ, one when a parent is away and one when they are home, agreeing on key consequences helps.Guiding Behavior: Discipline works best when rooted in relationship. Focus on compassionate limit setting, teaching kids to process feelings rather than resorting to punishment or anger.Bridging & Matchmaking: When apart, use âbridgingâ language to let kids know youâre thinking of them and looking forward to reunion. Meanwhile, the parent at home can âmatchmakeââfacilitate conversations and positive stories about the traveling parent to keep that connection strong.
Parental Self-Compassion and Alpha Leadership Matter Most: Todd highlights that striving for perfection is not only impossible but unnecessary. Parents should focus on becoming the âalphaâ (guiding, calmly in charge, nurturing) figure, regardless of distance. Seeking resources, support, and coaching is beneficial, but your unique bond as a parent is irreplaceable. Communicating love, pride, and trustâespecially in focused, heartfelt momentsâcan remain with your child long after the call or visit ends.
Actionable Ideas for Your Family:
Schedule regular touchpoints (calls, messages) with your child focused on connection, not just logistics.Share stories and memories that make your child feel special.Collaborate with your partner on a few key family rituals and consequences so your child experiences predictability, no matter whoâs at home. Practice âmatchmakingâ by bringing up stories about the other parent in positive ways.Connect with Todd Sarner
Website: https://www.transformativeparenting.com
Youtube: https://www.youtube.coom/transformativeparenting
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tparenting
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tparenting
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toddsarner/
Toddâs book âThe Calm Connected Parentâ comes out November 18th!
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Synopsis:
Ever wondered how your childhood wounds impact your relationships? Today my guest is Bryan Power. He is the founder of make your relationship fail and a certified integrated attachment theory coach. We look at integrated attachment theory together, what it is, how it can be useful for our relationships, and specifically then looking at how it works where there is geographical separation.
3 key takeaways:
Attachment Styles Shape Every Relationship:
Whether youâre anxious, avoidant, or secure, understanding your own and your partnerâs attachment style is crucial for better communication and connection (especially if youâre miles apart!).âIf I believe this person doesn't love me, this person is going to leave me, I'm going to be left here alone to deal with the family, the kids, they're never coming home. Those are the stories I'm telling myself that are taking my emotional bandwidth and just throwing it through the roof. Now I'm again, I'm at an emotional level 10. Instead of just being able to relax and say, hey, my spouse loves me, we're in this situation. They're away from me a little bit, but I know he loves me. I know she loves me. I know that we're okay. I know that this time away is just time that we're going to have to deal with a little bit on our own and. And someday we're going to be able to have that full time together. You're able to relax in that.âHealing Starts with Self-Awareness:
âFixingâ a relationship often begins with working on yourselfâidentifying your personal wounds, triggers, and stories youâre telling yourself. The more aware you are, the healthier your connections become. Some of the wounds could be fear of abandonment, fear of losing independence, fear of being trapped, feeling unsafe. *When my emotions are really high, it's a really good time to say, why do I feel this way? What is it? What is it that I'm really afraid of here?âDistance Can Be an Opportunity:
Time apart isnât just a challengeâitâs a chance to foster growth, both individually and as a couple. Investing in relationship tools and self-development during these periods pays dividends when youâre reunited.
âHow can I look at this and say, okay, why am I so triggered? What are my core wounds that are causing me to be maybe overly sensitive to these things? And then begin to work on those. Because as we work on those wounds now, I'm going to be a little bit more okay with some distance. I don't have to call 10 times a day. Maybe I could call once or twice. I can now find a little bit better balance that actually works for both sides. Because if you're super needy like that, let's face it, the other person you're going to drive them crazy at some point.â
The key is to find a balance. So how can I, as the anxious person not be so needy to where I can handle a lot of my needs myself? I don't have to be worried about my spouse constantly. On the flip side, as a dismissive how can I be sensitive to my spouse and realize that they may need a little bit more attention than I do at this point and I don't have to call them 10 times a day, but that one phone call a day could be that one great call that helps my spouse find some emotional connection and be able to regulate and be able to kind of feel good about this situation. Because if we just take it as a dismissive avoidant and we just poo poo the whole thing and just act like, oh, you're just being overly sensitive or overly needy, that doesn't really validate the other person at all. And it really makes them feel disconnected and unloved and unwanted, and it actually causes more and more anxiety. So you're actually triggering that. You actually could be triggering that even more for that person.âVisit Bryan Powerâs website makeyourrelationshipfail.com for a free attachment style quiz. Through his website you can access personal coaching, pursue self-guided learning and join Thais Gibsonâs Personal Development School.
Thais Gibson interview with Mel Robbins - integrated attachment theory
ï»żContact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Synopsis:
In this episode, I sit down with Anna Skorobogatowa, a powerhouse diplomatic spouse, mentor, and founder of Not Just a Spouse. Anna shares honest stories about juggling career aspirations, raising three kids, and handling lifeâs curveballs - including sudden evacuations and living apart as a family.
We explore the unseen resilience it takes to support a family across borders, navigate parenting separately at times, reinventing yourself during constant change. We also underline the vital importance of community and sharing with each other.
The episode is a shout out to diplomatic spouses, who sometimes also live geographically separate.
Here are 3 key takeaways for anyone navigating a life thatâs anything but ordinary:
Community & Safe Spaces: Anna talks about why she created both in-person and global meetups for diplomatic and expat spouses: to tackle isolation, share the unspoken challenges, and offer real, judgment-free support.The Realities of Time Apart: Anna opens up about juggling a demanding degree, parenting three young children, and how repeated separationsâsometimes due to emergenciesâstretched her to her limits.Survival Mode & Self-Care: Both Anna and I reflect on those âcrawl-through-the-dayâ periods. Anna emphasizes the lifesaving power of support networks and why giving yourself permission to ask for, pay for, or creatively source help is not a luxury, but a necessity.Adapting and Reinventing: Hear how Annaâs experience of multiple moves, solo transitions, and even evacuations forged a deep adaptability and strategic mindsetâplus practical examples of how she made life work (like moving into a fully furnished home rather than starting from scratch)!The Importance of Validation: Anna and I validate the challenge and resilience it takes to hold the fort abroad. Youâre not âjustâ anything: youâre resourceful, adaptable, and deserving of support.Join Annaâs next online community event here
Diplomatic and expat spouses: your resilience, adaptability, and resourcefulness are incredible. Letâs keep lifting each other up and advocating for the support all globally mobile families deserve!
Looking for more?
Check out Annaâs initiative, Not Just a Spouse, and the Unpacked podcast for deeper dives into diplomatic spouse life.
ï»żContact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Synopsis:
âMy conclusion is that at the end of the day, what matters is the strategies that couples use to navigate the stress. And this is sort of then what mediates between the stressors and the couple's satisfaction.â
In this episode, Julia Paulsson Jandl and I talk about the findings of her research in the aid and development sector: the challenges couples face and the strategies that they use. She is a seasoned humanitarian and development specialist, a relationship counselor and coach. She has just finished her Masters Thesis on couple satisfaction in that sector.. Interestingly, 12% of participants were in split location situations and 24% alternated so we delved into this aspect too. Her insights are useful not just for aid-sector families, but for anyone navigating high-mobility or long-distance relationship challenges.
Key Takeaways:
Julia Paulssonâs research emphasises that while the pressures of aid work and split location create unique challenges, satisfaction and relational resilience are possible through intentionality, open communication, creative rituals, and mutual respect for each partnerâs individuality. The common thread is not the absence of challenge, but the presence of agreed-upon strategies to keep the relationship - and both individuals - healthy.
1. Specific Strategies from the Study: Making Relationships Work
Juliaâs research didnât just dwell on the challenges; it also lifted out practical, evidence-backed strategies that resilient couples use, which can be helpful whether youâre living in the same place or miles apart:
A. Commitment as Active Practice
Couples emphasized âcommitment as an anchorââitâs not passive but an ongoing, active choice (âminute by minute decisionâ) to show up, protect your partnerâs interests, and maintain fairness and respect.B. Prioritizing Both Individuality and the Couple
Resilient couples pursue both individual and shared goals. Making intentional space for each partnerâs dreams, interests, and career ambitionsâeven if not realized at the same timeâwas key to long-term satisfaction and avoiding resentment.C. Intentional Boundaries and âRulesâ
Many couples developed rules and agreements to manage the intersection between demanding aid work and personal life. Examples included:Agreed limits on time apart (for split location couples: âmaximum amount of time we are willing to be apartâ)Family guidelines about what types of duty stations or posts were acceptable (âveto rulesâ)Minimum standards for things like schooling or healthcare access for the accompanying familyRituals to prioritize couple time-such as trying to be home for dinner or bedtime when possible, even if exceptions ariseD. Communication and Difficult Conversations
Successful couples had learned how to tackle difficult discussions directlyâabout moves, career priorities, and unmet needsâwhile being open to influence and willing to negotiate.E. Drawing From the Gottman âSix Magic Hoursâ Approach
Julia shared research-based recommendations rooted in the Gottman method:
Partings and Reunions: Mindful transitions whether in daily routines or returning after periods apartâusing messages, video notes, or rituals to connect even when physically distant.Appreciation and Admiration: Actively express positive observations, using messages or journals, to counterbalance negativity bias.Affection: This can be a challenge at a distance, but couples find creative ways (sharing clothing, sending heartbeats using smartwatches, or even virtual hugs).Date Nights: Donât have to be dinner outâcould be a virtual movie, shared meal via video, or just a dedicated walk-and-talk.State of the Union Check-Ins: Regular reviewsânot just to surface grievances but to celebrate successes and keep in tune with each other even in asynchronous time zones.Repair Attempts: Learning the art of reconciliation after disagreements, and recognizing that âevery couple under the sun fightsââthe difference is how you reconnect.F. Flexibility and Seasonality
Couples acknowledged there will be seasons where one partnerâs career might take precedence, but this should rotate and never be permanently lopsided.2. Split Location Relationships in the Aid Sector
Julia Paulssonâs research looked deeply at couples, including those navigating split location arrangements, within the humanitarian and development sector. About 36% of her respondents lived in split locations either permanently or alternated between periods together and apart. The findings were illuminating in several ways:
A. Relationship Satisfaction
Contrary to common assumptions, her study found that couples living apart in split locations had comparable levels of relationship satisfaction to those who always lived together. Julia emphasized that âbeing in different locations in itself does not predict relationship satisfaction.â The structure of the relationship (together or apart) isnât as significant as how the couple actually manages the distance and accompanying stressors.B. Terminology
Participants described âsplit locationâ in various waysâusing terms like âlong distance,â âdifferent locations,â or simply âalternating living arrangements.âC. Unique Stressors
In split setups, the lines between work and personal life can become even more blurred. Without a partner physically present to encourage boundaries (âhey, log off your emailsâ), aid workers reported it was easy for professional demands to consume all aspects of life.D. Physical Affection While Apart
This area is particularly challenging; couples find substitute strategies (e.g., sending personal items, digital touchpoints, or creative technology use), but nothing fully replaces physical closeness.E. Impact on Both Partners
Whether the non-aid-working spouse accompanied their partner or stayed behind, both scenarios could intensify challenges around identity, financial dependence, stalled careers, and emotional strain. Julia points out, âyour life is being colonized by your partner's jobâ resonated strongly with many.F. Gender Dynamics
Women who were the primary traveler or aid worker faced additional scrutiny, stigma, and challenges around balancing caregiving, with research noting lower rates of marriage and children among female aid workers.Articles and Resources mentioned in this episode
Gottmanâs magic hours Download free pdf Loneliness like smoking 15 cigarettes a day Dr Julianne Holt-Lunstad Are women paying a higher price for a UN career? Henrik Ryden HTFA Episode #72Visit Juliaâs website - www.juliapaulsson.com
Contact Rhoda: [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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Synopsis:
This episode is more of a personal episode as our family has been through a huge transition this year. I was also contemplating that it was a complex transition with more than one change going on over this summer. I share an update but also what I found most helpful.
Application of the 5 Pillar Framework during Transitions
Personal Well-being: tracking sleep, 30 minutes âbrain resetâ, checking in on personal needs, blood tests for mineral deficiencies and stress markersCouple Relationship: coping with limited time together, focus on logistics and admin, balancing intensity and connectionParenting: supporting children (especially teens) through transitions, creating open space for emotional sharingTransitions: acknowledging the challenge and normalizing the stress that comes with itEmergencies: dealing with unexpected issues (e.g., canceled flight tickets, administrative challenges), learning the value of resilience and stubbornness.Contact Rhoda on [email protected]
Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.
Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad
Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.
OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.
You may be wondering:
How can we be a family when we're miles apart?Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.
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