Afleveringen
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I am joined by Amelia Nagoski, co-author of Burnout, for a deep conversation about autistic burnout, systemic stress, and why traditional self-care often fails. We both reflect on our personal experiences of autistic burnout and how healing can begin by dropping unrealistic expectationsâespecially those rooted in systemic oppression.
Episode Details:Burnout Workshop - June 12, 4-6pm - Get a ticket for $27Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia NagoskiAmelia and Emilyâs YouTube channel with autistic insights on burnout recoveryAdditional Resources:Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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In this episode of the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Iâm answering your toughest, most honest questions about screen time â especially during burnout. Together, we unpack big concerns about whether screen use is âaddictive,â whether dropping limits is the right choice, and how to respond when your child is glued to YouTube all day or spending your entire budget on Roblox.
I offer a grounded, shame-free perspective on how screens can meet vital needs for rest, novelty, and autonomy â especially for neurodivergent kids â and how we can offer our most powerful parenting tool: a wholehearted yes. Whether youâre new to low demand or deep in phase two of burnout, this episode offers clarity, reassurance, and practical insight for one of the most emotionally loaded topics in parenting today.
More details on this topic:To listen to more about burnout, check out episodes 11 and 14!I also have a mini-course on screens to get more of this compassionate, shame free approach. Screens Without Shame,
Additional low demand resources:For shame-free coaching, including a safe space to process your kid's screen use, check out coaching with the Low Demand team! We have skilled, passionate, deeply compassionate coaches ready to help you step into more acceptance and support. Find out more about coaching.Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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Zijn er afleveringen die ontbreken?
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When youâre parenting a high-needs or PDA child, it often feels like their needs dominate the household. But what about the siblings? In this episode, I share five core truths that have helped me show up with compassion and clarity in the most impossible-feeling moments of sibling conflict. From managing competing needs, to navigating rupture and repair, to having real conversations about disability, this episode explores the messy, nuanced reality of raising multiple children in a low demand household. Iâll walk you through practical steps and hard-won insights, all rooted in deep love, radical acceptance, and the commitment to building safe, shame-free family relationships.
Additional Resources:
Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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This week, Iâm answering your questions about partnerships â about how to talk to your spouse about low demand parenting, what to do when theyâre not on board, how to respond when theyâre getting really triggered by meltdowns or moments of being hit or yelled at, and how to support a PDA partner in sharing their emotions safely. I share how I approach partnerships: with radical acceptance, deep listening, and letting go of expectations that are too hard. I also name that this conversation is based on my own experience being married to the person I co-parent with â and that things might look different if youâre navigating co-parenting after separation or with trauma present. I hope this episode gives you a fresh way to think about dropping demands for the other adults in your life and trusting that you can do your work, even when someone else is on their own journey.
Additional Resources:
Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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This is a deeply personal episode. I am in the guest seat to share my transformation from high-demand, perfectionist parenting to the radical practice of Low Demand Parenting. Interviewed by my dear friend Rabbi Shoshana Meira Friedman, I open up about the turning point in my parenting journey, how the collapse of old paradigms gave way to deep healing, and why letting go isnât failureâitâs freedom. Together, we explore the spiritual depth of radical acceptance, the impact of privilege on parenting choices, and why practicing low demand is never all-or-nothing. This episode is a love letter to the part of you thatâs wondering if itâs okay to stop trying so hard.
Rabbi Shoshana Meira Friedman: https://www.rabbishoshana.com
The PDA Safe Circle is a new app, course, and welcoming online community designed to decrease distress and increase thriving for PDAers and our loved ones. Diane Gould of PDA North America calls The PDA Safe Circle Approach âa game changer.â No waitlist. Membership rates are equity-based and no one is turned away for financial reasons.
Ross Greene and the Collaborative & Proactive Solutions model: https://livesinthebalance.org
Misophonia information: https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24460-misophonia
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In this powerful and deeply moving conversation, I am joined by Ambreia Meadows-Hernandez of Free Black Motherhood. Together, we unpack what it means to mother freely within systems built to demand your erasure. Ambreia shares how she is deconstructing martyr-based motherhood, reclaiming her identity as a liberated Black mother, and moving toward a more expansive and embodied parenting practice rooted in presence, emotional transparency, and intergenerational healing. We talk about the impossibility of perfection, the false expectations placed on mothersâespecially Black mothersâand how parenting can be a radical act of justice. If youâve ever felt like you had to disappear to be a âgoodâ mom, this episode is for you.
~~Join the next Masterclass community group in April 2025!~~
MEET AMBREIA:
Ambreia Meadows-Fernandez is a storyteller, public speaker, facilitator, and motherhood scholar who processes the world through her award-winning writing. Sometimes, these efforts are birthed as reported journalistic-style pieces. Other times, they manifest as essays where she tries to use her personal experiences as a window into larger societal trends. She found her writing voice in the aftermath of birth trauma. The experience compelled her to share her story and create Freeblackmotherhood â a way of mothering that asks 'Black mothers and others' to prioritize self-love and authentic expression in all things while asking them to imagine a world where Black women are free to feel. Her mediums change, but her passion for health, especially reproductive matters, remains the same.
⢠Learn more about Ambreia
⢠Follow her on Instagram at Free Black Motherhood
⢠SisterSong
⢠Patricia Hill Collins (Black Feminist scholarship)
⢠Adrienne Rich (Of Woman Born)
⢠Eckhart Tolle (The Power of Now)
⢠Ambreia's article exploring Partus sequitur ventrem (status of the child follows the mother)
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I respond to a question from a parent navigating a painful dilemma: when a child is really struggling in school, how do we know when itâs time to pull them out? I explore two intertwined questionsâhow to recognize when itâs truly âtoo much,â and how to care for ourselves in the aftermath of such a big, life-changing decision. I share tools for tuning into our childâs nervous system, identifying red flags, and listening to our own inner knowing. I also talk about how to create sustainable routines, even in the chaos of burnout and unpredictability. This is an episode for anyone in the limbo of indecision, wondering if itâs âbad enough yet.â You are not alone.
Additional Resources:
Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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In this powerful conversation, I sit down with Robyn Gobbel, trauma therapist and author of Big Baffling Behaviors. Together, we explore how to talk to our kids about their brains, why it matters so much, and how understanding our nervous systems helps us parent with compassion and connection. Robyn shares her Owl, Watchdog, and Possum frameworkâa playful and accessible way to explain our brain statesâand we dive deep into how nervous system science can transform the way we understand our kidsâ struggles, our own reactions, and the path to healing for the whole family. This episode is for anyone who has ever felt baffled by their childâs behavior and longed for a way to explain the unexplainableâwith love, curiosity, and a lot less shame.
Explore the Restore Your Soul Mastermind here --> Mastermind
LINKS FOR MORE DETAILS:
⢠Robyn Gobbelâs website: https://robyngobbel.com
⢠Robynâs book Big Baffling Behaviors: https://robyngobbel.com/book
⢠Polyvagal Theory by Dr. Stephen Porges: https://www.stephenporges.com
⢠Dr. Bruce Perryâs Neurosequential Model: https://www.neurosequential.com
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When I started practicing low demand parenting, it wasnât because I read a book or found a perfect system. It was because our family hit a wallâand nothing else was working. One of the very first mindset shifts that saved me, and continues to guide me every single day, is this: shifting from wonât to canât.
This episode is all about that shiftâfrom believing our kids (or ourselves) wonât do something, to realizing they canât in this moment. I unpack:
Where the âwonâtâ mentality comes from and why itâs so ingrained in us.How shifting to âcanâtâ opens up curiosity and compassion (for your kid and yourself).What happens in the early phases of low demand parenting when all the hidden canâts start tumbling out.How safety, masking, and nervous system overwhelm all play into what your child can (and canât) doâand how that changes from moment to moment.If youâve ever thought, âThey wonât just put their shoes on, they wonât go to bed without me, they wonât do their homework,â this episode is for you. Letâs rethink it together.
ADDITIONAL LINKS
Ross Greeneâs Collaborative & Proactive Solutions (Plan B) - https://www.livesinthebalance.orgSubmit a question for future episodes via SpeakPipe
Previous episode: What is Low Demand Parenting?
Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdom -
Toileting struggles, periods, and body careâthese are some of the trickiest internal demands our kids face. When a child refuses to wear a seatbelt, smears poop, or struggles with managing their period, how do we support them in a way that respects their nervous system while still meeting real needs?
In this episode, I break down:
⢠What internal demands are and why they can be so distressing for neurodivergent kids
⢠How burnout impacts basic needs like sleep, eating, and toileting
⢠Why forcing solutions backfiresâand how to approach these struggles through support, not control
⢠Creative, low-demand ways to navigate seatbelt struggles, poop smearing, and period care
⢠How parents can reduce their own stress while supporting kids who struggle with bodily functions
This episode is for every parent whoâs felt like, âI canât drop this demand, but I also canât keep fighting this battle.â
Additional Resources:
Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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How do you create a low-demand partnership while raising neurodivergent kids? This week, I sit down with Lindsay and Daryl Flanaganâfellow low-demand parentsâwho share their journey of shifting from traditional parenting to a more intuitive, needs-centered approach. We explore how dropping demands for each other and for our children has transformed their relationship and family life.
In this episode, we discuss:
âď¸ Letting go of traditional expectations in relationships and parenting.
âď¸ Navigating marriage when one or both partners are neurodivergent.
âď¸ The power of humor, shorthand phrases, and texting in low-demand communication.
âď¸ How to balance needs and avoid resentment in a partnership.
âď¸ Understanding PDA in both kids and adultsâand how it impacts relationships.
âď¸ Why acknowledging capacity (not intent) is key to mutual respect.
If youâre wondering how to create a partnership that thrives alongside parenting neurodivergent kids, this episode is for you! đ§ Listen now wherever you get your podcasts!
More Resources:
Follow Lindsay (with cameos from Daryl) on InstagramDiscover Lindsayâs courses, coaching, and community through Hive ParentsBrooke from No Pressure PDA â insight on humor as a signal of safety.Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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In this heartfelt and insightful episode, I dive into the essential work of teaching our kids to trust themselves, even when the world tells them otherwise. Using real-life examples, I share how traditional parenting approachesâlike pushing through discomfort or faking calmâcan break trust and escalate stress. Instead, I advocate for dropping the demands, honoring a childâs âno,â and embracing co-regulation as a path to healing and connection.
Youâll learn:
Why your childâs meltdowns are not your fault and how to reframe them as panic responses.The power of honoring your childâs body cues and trusting their âno.âHow traditional ideas like âpushing throughâ can harm sensitive kids.Why co-regulation is about authenticity, not forced calm.Practical ways to stay connected to your child, even when their distress is distressing you.This episode is a permission slip to drop the weight of perfectionism and embrace honest, boundaried, and compassionate parenting.
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Episode Resources:
Aligning with Yourself Course: Designed to help you shed perfectionism and show up in your truth, this course supports you through tough seasons like burnout. [Learn more here] Episode 11: Burnout Doesn't Last Forever.In this listener mailbag episode, I tackle the tough questions about phase two of burnout recoveryâwhat I call Curious but No Capacity. This is the messy middle where your child starts to re-engage with the world but lacks the skills or energy to follow through fully. I explore:
Differentiating âhardâ vs. âtoo hardâ and why it matters How to honor your childâs desires while protecting their capacity Finding creative, flexible solutions to navigate burnout recovery Advocating for your child in spaces that werenât built for them The importance of trust, collaboration, and dropping demandsKey Takeaways:
Burnout Recovery Isnât Linear: Expect one step forward and two steps backâitâs all part of the process. Hard vs. Too Hard: Learn how to assess your childâs capacity and build safety before tackling challenges. Advocacy Matters: Find ways to prepare others to support your childâs unique needs in shared spaces. The Middle Path: Move beyond âyes or noâ decisions to a collaborative approach with your child.Find More About Low Demand:
Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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In this honest and heartfelt conversation with clinical psychologist and author Dr. Emma Svanberg, known online as the "Mumologist," we explore the intersection of grief and parenting. Emma shares her journey from studying attachment theory to supporting parents in navigating the overwhelming pressures of modern parenting. Together, we unpack the grief that arises when reality doesnât match our idealized parenting fantasies, the importance of slowing down, and the power of self-compassion.
Emma and Amanda discuss:
How parenting grief reshapes our identities.Signs of unprocessed grief in parents, including resentment, disconnection, and autopilot living.The myth of calm parenting and the pressure it places on parents.Why self-compassion and community are essential for breaking cycles and creating change.This episode is an invitation to honor the messy, beautiful, and deeply human work of parentingâand to give yourself grace along the way.
Links Mentioned:
Emmaâs book: Parenting for HumansFind Emma Svanberg, also known as the "Mumologist," on Instagram.Additional Resources:
Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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In a lovely and inspiring conversation on The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman sits down with Iris Chen, founder of Untigering, to discuss her journey from authoritarian parenting to a radically respectful and connected approach. Together, they explore:
Detoxing from authoritarian and fear-based parentingBreaking free from the "good girl" and "good mom" identitiesLetting go of obedience as a measure of successBuilding meaningful relationships across generational and cultural dividesEmbracing radical acceptance in parenting and beyondIris shares her personal story, the challenges of parenting in countercultural ways, and the importance of living your values to inspire change. Whether you're navigating parenting, breaking cycles, or creating your own family culture, this episode will leave you inspired to step into radical acceptance and connection.
Aligning With Yourself: Break free from 'shoulds.' Step into your power.
This innovative course about letting go of the guilt, shame, and âshouldsâ that keep us stuck in an identity that no longer serves us. With insightful journaling pages, fresh mindfulness exercises, and engaging rituals, this course is for parents who are tired of performing, tired of people-pleasing, and ready to reclaim their energy, their identity, and their truth.
Main Topics Discussed:
Detoxing from fear-based, authoritarian parenting paradigmsShifting from controlling outcomes to embracing connection and safetyThe journey of healing childhood wounds to parent differentlyAddressing cultural and generational challenges in parenting transitionsPractical ways to hold boundaries with respect and nuanceHow to embody radical acceptance in relationshipsResources Mentioned:
Iris Chenâs book: Untigering: Peaceful Parenting for the Deconstructing Tiger ParentIris Chenâs website: UntigeringFollow Iris on social media:InstagramFacebookAdditional Resources:
Low Demand Reset (Free Gift): www.amandadiekman.com/resetLow Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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Burnout can feel endless and all-consuming, both for children experiencing it and for the parents navigating it alongside them. In this solo episode, Iâm sharing four key steps to understand and support your childâs journey out of burnout. Weâll tackle common misconceptions, unpack what burnout truly is, and explore how to create a healing cocoon of safety and love. Iâll also outline the stages of recovery and offer practical tools to meet your child where they are. Burnout is challenging, but itâs also transformativeâand together, we can embrace this journey with compassion, hope, and acceptance.
Aligning With Yourself: Break free from 'shoulds.' Step into your power.
This innovative course about letting go of the guilt, shame, and âshouldsâ that keep us stuck in an identity that no longer serves us. With insightful journaling pages, fresh mindfulness exercises, and engaging rituals, this course is for parents who are tired of performing, tired of people-pleasing, and ready to reclaim their energy, their identity, and their truth.
Resources mentioned in this podcast:
Megan Anna Neff's burnout workbookPANS/PANDASCIRS - mold toxicity illnessAdditional Resources:
Low Demand Reset (Free Gift): www.amandadiekman.com/resetLow Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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In this episode of The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman welcomes Debbie Reber, founder of Tilt Parenting and author of Differently Wired. Together, they delve into the unique challenges and strengths of raising twice-exceptional (2E) kidsâchildren who are both gifted and neurodivergent. From understanding asynchrony to fostering self-advocacy and embracing parenting as activism, this episode offers invaluable insights for parents navigating the complexity of 2E parenting.
Episode Highlights:
What it means to be twice-exceptional (2E) and how to recognize it.Understanding the asynchrony between giftedness and lagging skills.How parents can reframe perplexing behavior as a sign of lagging skills rather than willful disobedience.Encouraging self-discovery and self-advocacy in 2E kids.Advocating for systemic change to better support differently wired children.The importance of self-compassion and conscious maintenance for parents.Resources Mentioned:
Tilt Parenting WebsiteDifferently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World by Debbie ReberTilt Parenting PodcastArticles and resources on twice-exceptionality available at Tilt Parenting.Follow Debbie Reber:
Instagram: @TiltParentingFacebook: Tilt Parenting CommunityAdditional Resources:
Low Demand Reset (Free Gift): www.amandadiekman.com/resetLow Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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In this special Holiday Mailbag episode, Amanda Diekman answers listener questions about navigating the holidays as a low-demand parent. From food struggles to Santa dilemmas, and handling judgment in public, Amanda offers compassionate insights and practical strategies for making this season work for your unique family.
Key topics include:
Supporting kids with PDA who struggle with eating.Navigating the Santa conversation when siblings are at different stages.Handling partner disagreements about parenting approaches during high-stress times.Advocating for your parenting style and setting boundaries in public.If youâre looking for ways to drop the pressure and embrace connection this holiday season, this episode is for you.
Additional Resources:
Low Demand Reset (Free Gift): www.amandadiekman.com/resetLow Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
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In this episode of The Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman breaks down why the dominant parenting paradigm of rewards and punishments isnât serving our kidsâor us. Grounded in brain science and personal insight, Amanda shares how focusing on connection and attunement unlocks long-term trust, regulation, and growth in our children. Through real-life examples and a compassionate lens, Amanda encourages parents to step away from control-based strategies and embrace the transformative power of safety and belonging.
Low Demand Reset: Reflect, Release, Realign
A gentle guide to closing the year with intention and compassion.Get yours here: www.amandadiekman.com/reset
Key takeaways include:
Why rewards and punishments miss the mark.The science of behavior as communication.Shifting from âearning loveâ to modeling unconditional connection.Practical strategies for supporting dysregulated children.
Additional Resources:Low Demand Reset (Free Gift): www.amandadiekman.com/resetLow Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
InstagramFacebookPinterestThe Low Demand Parenting Podcast is your space to let go of the pressure and embrace a more joyful, authentic approach to parenting. We hope you enjoyed this episode and would be honored if you left us a review which helps us reach more parents just like you!
Transcript:Welcome to the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy, and thrive, even when life feels stuck on level 12 hard. I'm Amanda Diekman, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler. Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life.
Before we dive in, I want to share a free gift Iâve created for you as we move from one year to the next. Itâs called the Low Demand Reset â a gentle, reflective mini-course designed to help you release expectations, let go of whatâs no longer serving you, and realign with what matters most. Itâs free and available in the show notes or at amandadiekman.com/reset. I hope it brings you clarity, compassion, and a fresh start.
The Dominant Paradigm: Punishments and RewardsThe dominant parenting paradigm many of us inherited is rooted in punishment and reward. Even if weâve decided not to follow this path, itâs still the framework shaping much of modern parenting.
At its core, punishment-and-reward parenting is built on the belief that kids need external incentives to behave well. This system assumes that the primary things children lack are motivation and self-control. Rewards and punishments are used to manipulate their behavior toward desired results. Children are often labeled as manipulative, but really, this system is designed to manipulate children into compliance.
These rewards and punishments can be straightforward, like sticker charts, prize boxes, time-outs, or spanking. They can also be more subtle, like approval or disapproval, giving or withholding attention, or ignoring behaviors. For instance, if youâve ever worried that comforting your child during a tantrum might âreinforceâ the behavior, or been told that âgiving inâ will teach them bad habits, youâve encountered this paradigm.
The belief underpinning this system is that kids only do well when they want to, and that itâs a parentâs job to teach control by making it more pleasant to do the ârightâ thing and unpleasant to do the âwrongâ thing. But brain science tells us otherwise.
What Brain Science Teaches UsBrain science shows us that behaviors, especially those we consider ânegativeââhitting, screaming, whining, shutting down, hyperactivityâare stress behaviors. They indicate a brain system under stress.
Punishments and rewards donât address the root cause of these stress behaviors. Instead, they often exacerbate the problem. The number one factor that helps children regulate and thrive is attunement and connection with a trusted adult. This connection activates their brainâs reward centers and fosters safety, which is the foundation for behavioral change.
Longitudinal studies confirm that having a connected, attuned adult is the most critical factor in a childâs long-term positive development. When children feel safe and connected, their brains can access creativity, courage, executive functioning, and the ability to try again. Disconnectionâthrough punishment, disapproval, or ignoringâleads to negative outcomes in both brain development and long-term well-being.
When the Reward and Punishment Mentality Shows UpThis mentality can show up in surprising ways. Letâs say your child struggles with school avoidance, or as we often call it, âschool canât.â You might think, âIf I make staying home comfortable, theyâll never want to go back. I need to make it unpleasant for them here at home.â
Or during a meltdown, you might feel torn: âI canât comfort my child right now because theyâll learn that throwing tantrums gets my attention.â This fearâthat by connecting with your child in hard moments youâll reinforce unwanted behaviorâis rooted in the punishment-and-reward paradigm.
These thoughts are deeply ingrained in us. Weâve been taught that humans are motivated by pleasure and avoidance of pain, and that itâs our job as parents to manipulate these motivators. But this lens is not only unhelpful; itâs often harmful.
Shifting the Lens: Connection Over ControlThe most transformative aspect of low demand parenting is not just dropping demands. Itâs creating space for safety, trust, connection, and acceptance. These elements are the real drivers of change in our relationships and our childrenâs behavior.
Consider the mantra, Kids do well when they can. This simple truth shifts our focus from trying to control behavior to understanding the unmet needs and lagging skills driving it. Behavior makes sense when viewed through the lens of a childâs circumstances, neurobiology, and nervous system. This understanding fosters empathy and helps us meet our children where they are.
For instance, if a childâs behavior stems from hunger, tiredness, or sensory overwhelm, punishment wonât solve the issue. Addressing the core need will. Similarly, a meltdown is a sign of dysregulation, not manipulation. The best response is attunementâhelping the child feel safe and connected so they can return to regulation.
Unlearning the Punishment and Reward ParadigmUnlearning this paradigm takes time. Itâs seductive because it offers a neat explanation of behavior and a sense of control. But as we shift our mindset, we begin to see that the goal isnât to manipulate behavior but to support core needs.
One common example is food. If your child has a hard day and only wants McDonaldâs for dinner, you might feel conflicted. Reward-and-punishment thinking tells you that getting McDonaldâs rewards bad behavior and reinforces negative patterns. But what if instead, you view it as meeting a core needânourishment, comfort, and connection? What if showing up with McDonaldâs is an act of attunement, not capitulation?
Another example: After a tough morning, one of my kids wanted donuts. Part of me resisted, thinking, âI canât reward this behavior.â But I got the donuts. Later, my child looked at me with love and said, âI had a hard morning, and you got me donuts anyway.â That moment wasnât about rewarding or ignoring behavior. It was about connection and unconditional love.
Letting Go of âGoodâ and âBadâMuch of this paradigm is rooted in the idea that âgoodâ behavior is rewarded and âbadâ behavior is punished. For many of us, this belief is tied to perfectionism, religious teachings, or relationships where love and belonging felt conditional. Unlearning it is hard work, but itâs essential for healing.
Instead of tying rewards to behavior, we can celebrate intention, effort, and connection. For example, if we promise a post-dentist treat, we still follow through even if the child is too dysregulated to complete the appointment. Weâre celebrating their courage to try, not their compliance with an expectation.
Moving Forward: Healing and ReconnectionAs we unlearn the reward-and-punishment mentality, we open the door to deeper healing and connection. This journey invites us to examine our own beliefs and wounds. Itâs an opportunity to free ourselves from the pressure to earn love and belonging and to model this freedom for our children.
When we focus on connection over control, we create a foundation where both parents and children can thrive. Letâs keep peeling back the layers of this paradigm and choose a path of attunement, trust, and unconditional love.
If this podcast speaks to you, please subscribe and leave a review. Your support helps more parents discover the transformative power of low demand parenting. And donât forget to grab your free Low Demand Reset at amandadiekman.com/reset. Thank you for being here, and remember: It takes great strength to let things go. Iâll see you next week.
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In this deeply empathetic mailbag episode of the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, Amanda Diekman answers two listener questions about navigating the challenges of dysregulated kids:
Physical Aggression and Meltdowns: What do you do when your child is physically aggressive, whether toward you or siblings? Amanda shares strategies for:
De-escalation: Dropping demands in the moment to reduce tension and prioritize safety.Co-regulation: Staying grounded so your child can borrow your calm to find their own.Practical tips for balancing priorities like safety versus expectations, and the importance of repair after meltdowns.Name-Calling and Emotional Pain: How do you handle deeply painful words from a dysregulated child? Amanda dives into:
Why name-calling is a symptom of deep dysregulation, not malice.How dropping the expectation that âhurtful words wonât happenâ fosters connection and healing.The transformative work of exploring why certain behaviors hurt you, healing your own emotional wounds, and modeling resilience for your child.This episode is filled with actionable strategies, personal reflections, and encouragement for parents navigating the complexities of dysregulated kids.
Time Stamps:
00:46 Understanding Dysregulation in Children
03:14 De-escalation and Co-regulation Strategies
10:16 Addressing Name Calling and Emotional Safety
18:39 Healing and Self-Reflection for Parents
20:38 Conclusion and Listener Engagement
Additional Resources:
Low Demand Parenting book: a love letter to exhausted, overwhelmed parents everywhere. Get the first chapter free! Why is everything with my kid so hard?: Take the quiz to find your first step forward!Low Demand Parenting Blog: a treasure trove of low demand wisdomFollow us on social for updates on the podcast, blog, and more!
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Transcript:
â Welcome to the Low Demand Parenting Podcast, where we drop the pressure, find the joy, and thrive, even when it feels like life is stuck on level 12 hard. I'm Amanda Diekmann, author, autistic adult, and mom of three. I'm not here as an expert, but a fellow traveler. Together, we're learning how to live more gently, authentically, and vibrantly in this wild parenting life.
Today, we have a mailbag episode where I answer your questions about things that are concerning you, things that you're facing as a low demand family. In this mailbag episode, I'm responding to two questions about kids who are really dysregulated. We'll cover aggression and meltdowns and picking fights and calling names in this episode, but I just want to note that not all kids show their dysregulation through external behaviors.
This It is called externalizing, when we can see the fact that their nervous system is overtaxed, that they're having big feelings, that they don't have tools to manage, and when they're beyond their window of tolerance, basically a kid that's dysregulated, we see it on the outside in the way that they behave and act.
And many kids do this. They take their insides and they bring them outside and we can see it easily. Anyone can. But some kids are just as dysregulated. They're just as outside their window of tolerance. They're just in just as much pain on the inside. But rather than bringing it out, they will internalize their dysregulation.
They'll bring it out. inside their own bodies, often by controlling their bodies through perfectionism. It can result in eating disorders or self harm. And all of these internalizers are much harder to spot. Their dysregulation and is masking as a good kid who's doing just fine. And that is how they want to be perceived often.
And so it takes a really astute eye, whether you're a parent or a caregiver or a therapist or a teacher, it really takes a keen adult to sense a kid who's struggling and who's hiding their struggle. All of the responses and all of the ideas in this episode will still apply, even if you're Disregulated kid is imploding instead of exploding.
Let's get into the questions. We have a question about physical aggression against mother or against siblings and what to do. My first answer is always pay attention to the situation where it happened. Ask yourself, what was too hard for my child in this situation? How can I drop it next time so that we don't have this situation?
So that my child is not even escalated in the first place. Let's say you can't and it's already happening, which is what we call in the moment. So in the moment, there are two priorities. You're going to deescalate and co regulate. The principles of de escalate are that first you look and see, is there an obvious demand that I can drop that is too hard?
Let's say you're pushing your kid to get in the car and they are hitting you or their sibling on the sidewalk and screaming at you. It feels like there's a ton of pressure there because you've got a full grocery cart and the car is loaded up with frozen stuff and you need them to get in the car so you can get this stuff home.
It might seem really hard, but can you drop the demand that they get in the car at that moment? Part of the reason that we drop the demand in the moment is that your child is not capable of meeting this expectation and that continuing to hold it right now is only going to give you worse and worse options.
By dropping the demand, you back up to bad options, and that's where we want to go. That's the right direction. We've got worse, we've got bad, and then we can get to better. Better and good are all going to happen in prevention and proactive planning. Bad and worse is what happens in the moment. But you assess your options, you notice what is going to make this situation worse, what's going to make this situation better, and prioritize what matters most.
So the popsicles getting a little bit melty or your chicken thawing a bit is probably less significant in the moment than you getting hurt, your child running off in a crowded parking lot, or a sibling becoming traumatized. In those moments, sometimes it seems so desperate. I've got to get these groceries home.
You have got to get in this car. And holding the demand seems to make more sense, logically. But actually, when we bring our priorities online, and we bring our thinking brain back online, and we step out of autopilot, we can recognize what matters most, what actually matters most, and sacrifice the things that are less important.
Which in our hypothetical situation is our popsicles. You're gonna de escalate by dropping the demand that your child get in the car and instead allow them to cry or to flail or to whatever they need to do by letting the things that are too hard go. In the moment you tell your child, I see you, I see what you're struggling with.
I know what matters most. I will be your calm in the storm. I will let things go. And you are allowed to have this moment. You are allowed to have a hard time. I'm not going to hold it against you. In that moment, you do your own work to actually let those popsicles or that chicken or whatever it is.
That's your sacrificing to actually let it go. If you toss those items straight in the trash because it took a full hour and they're not good anymore, then that's okay. All of this is hypothetical, but I hope what you're hearing me say is that you let go of the demand that you're holding in the moment, look for how to reconnect and reestablish safety for the child who's melting down and you sacrifice the things that are less important for the things that are most important.
So you've de escalated. You've dropped the demand that's too hard. Now you're going to co regulate. Co regulation is where your brain actually sends signals to your kid's brain to give them signals to calm invisibly. And this sounds so woo and like fake science, but it's actually real science. When you practice co Regulation in your body, your regulated brain is actually the primary thing that your child will use in order to regulate themselves.
You allow your child to tap into your prefrontal cortex, your regulation center. The core of co regulation is do what you need to do to regulate your own body so that you are a stable place for your child to land when they're having a hard time. This is an excellent place to get proactive, which is figuring out what are you going to do in the moment, practically.
Are you going to take a deep breath? Does that actually feel good to you or does it make you spin out of control? Are you going to do like me and wiggle your toes to try to stay present so you don't dissociate because a dissociated brain cannot actually co regulate for another person's brain? Are you going to notice five things around you?
Close your eyes for a second and say, I can trust this. Does that give you the ability to be a presence for your child? You don't have to be miraculously calm if that doesn't feel accessible to you. You don't have to fake it. What you want to do is find your own way of coming back into yourself and being present.
and noticing that you are okay. If you can access that feeling of, I am okay, then you are co regulating for your child. And then beyond doing something for yourself, whatever that quick reminder or mantra is for you to get back into your body, to get back into your okay ness, then you think about, what does my kid need in this moment to get back into their okay ness?
Is it something sensory related? I don't know. Do they need to scream? Do they need to punch? Do they need to kick? Do they need to squeeze? Do they need to grab? Do they need a hug? Do they need a swing? Is it something emotion related? Do they need some space to feel their feelings? I know in our family and different things are needed in different times.
And so co regulation is often thinking really nimbly on my feet. How can I use the space I'm in and the time that this is? To meet this kid's needs as much as possible and sometimes it's simple math like is the least painful option right now. How do I get us home in the most accessible way? Or how do I have the fewest people hurt?
Because there's not always a magical great option. Sometimes there's just terrible and even more terrible. And so you do the math and you figure out which one is less terrible. Do that in order to get back to your safe place and then do what needs to be done to do healing and repair. I just want to diffuse the myth that there's a really great way of handling this out there and that you're just messing up because you're not doing that really great way.
Sometimes there's not. Sometimes you get home, you get safe, and you repair, because that's the best you can do in this situation. It's always wise to weigh consequences. Letting your kid ride in the front seat without a seatbelt, which seems crazy unsafe, but maybe that's less unsafe than having them ride in the front with a seatbelt, actively hurting you and hitting you while you're driving down the highway.
Make your real time decision. About what is your best option? Not in a hypothetical, ideal world, best case scenario. No, we are operating in worst case scenario right now and it is okay. That first question is really practical. It's about what do you do when things are going off the rails and you're out in public and you, you need strategies in the moment.
Our next question is a lot more about your mindset and your approach. It's more about how you set up your family support structures to help both you and your child feel safe and seen. And, as I'll mention in this question, it comes out of my lived experience and a deep desire to help you move more quickly into a state of more ease and joy than I did and not to get stuck in the same pitfalls.
So, here is question two. It's a question from Mary. She is ready to drop the demand of being polite in neuro normative ways, but wants to hold a line at no name calling for anyone at any time. Because the reality is that when her daughter is feeling really dysregulated, some of the things that she says are just intolerable for Mary.
So I'm ready and really eager to step into this with you because I completely get where you're coming from on this and I want to help you make progress faster than I did. I learned the hard way that holding on to these non negotiables in order to protect myself Ultimately, worked against my long term goal of healing the relationship with my child so that they can show up in their best way towards me, so that I don't always get the worst of the worst.
Ultimately, name calling. On point, very specific, very mean name calling. Is just another behavioral signal of dysregulation. And you, you mentioned this in your question that this happens when she's dysregulated, when dysregulated name calling happens. That's right, a brain and nervous system Detecting threat at such a high level so far beyond the window of tolerance We're expressing that I feel like my life is at risk.
I am Existentially like I feel like I could die. My very existence is on the line. So I'm going to use it Every protective mechanism that I have in my arsenal in order to protect myself because ultimately your daughter Mary is looking both to thrive and to stay safe. So here is the reality. The brain and the nervous system essentially have two modes.
There it's either safe or not safe. It's an on or an off. And if your child is in not safe, Then their prefrontal cortex, our highest level brain functioning, the place where they have stored things like mom told me that this is a non negotiable, that it hurts her when I say these words, that part of their brain is literally not functioning in that moment.
It is a survival mechanism. So she literally cannot Remember that this is a family role. She cannot remember this hurts mom. And I will feel devastated that I said these words to her. It's not there. It's not possible. It's as though she were in a wheelchair. And you were expecting her to get up and walk.
Literally not possible. Then what is the function of a rule? Let's say you say to your child, we don't do name calling. It's just how we are in this family. Can we both agree that we don't want to do this, that we just want this to be not a part of our dynamic anymore. We don't want to hurt each other this way.
And she's feeling connected. Her whole brain lit up with connection and trust. And she's, yes, mom. Yes, I don't want to hurt you this way. I really don't. You're like, yes, we did it. And then what happens? Another meltdown happens, and boom, you're right back to the same behavior. The part of her brain that would stop her isn't functioning in that moment.
You might say yes, but she doesn't say this to anybody else. Yes, that is true. This is the hard part for parents in order to remain their safe person. Her body perceives safety with you. She isn't doing all of the extra neuropsychological things that are required in order to remain hyper vigilant. That's the complex reality of masking.
Masking requires. So much from our brain, our body, and our nervous system, it requires this radical disconnect from our bodies and from the real emotional reactions that are happening inside of us, but the body never forgets. I can never let my guard down. I am always prey and the predators are everywhere.
I must remain hypervigilant at all times. That comes at a severe cost. The meltdown has happened. The words came out, you got hurt. She felt so deeply unsafe, that she said things she didn't mean to, which comes along with a whole layer. self loathing and it comes at a cost to the relationship with you.
Maybe she's lost the one person in the world that she can actually be safe with. What happens when we drop that final frontier, that last barrier that we want to desperately to hold, to say that the only way I can be okay as your grownup. is to hold this last line. This is just not okay with me. When we let that go, what it does is tell our children, no matter what you say, I will be here.
No matter how you wound me, I know how to take care of myself. I know how to show up for you. Because I know how to repair. Because I am the person who will model for you what it looks like to be safe. Inside of myself that no matter how the world comes at me, I know how to repair with myself. So that is the hard message that I have to share with you on a simple level.
I would love it if If you could just hold one last thing, the last thing you want to hold is you can't hurt your siblings. They've been hurt enough. I will not let this go. Or maybe it's, I won't let you use this particular word with me. I just won't. You can't do it. I want that to be true for you. I want you to be able to hold onto that.
I so do. The simple, hard, heartbreaking message is. It doesn't work. Ultimately, holding that deepens your child's shame, disconnection, and sense of unsafety in their relationship with you. It makes it even harder to repair. The memory of rupture without repair breaks down that relationship. Ultimately, what we're trying to do here with low demand is put more and more investments in the safety column, in the trust column, in the connection column, letting go of the expectation that you won't say mean things to me actually makes it more likely that she won't say mean things to you.
It's so counterintuitive. It's mind blowing. I know. Letting go is your fastest, surest path to the thing that you want. But I can totally hear you getting upset and saying, But Amanda, are you saying every time my daughter gets upset, I get my feelings hurt? I have to feel this terrible way just so she can feel safe?
What about me? What about my safety? I can't be safe in this relationship. I'm getting hurt like this. And you're right. And we're right at the heart of it. Your work in this relationship is to dig deep into why these words hurt you. Why this is your final frontier. What in your story has made this kind of name calling so excruciatingly painful and unsafe?
When we heal in those really raw, really deep, very intimate pieces of our own story, Then we gain the power to show up for our children, no matter what they throw at us. Whether it's modeling for them or just doing it for ourselves, we move through this last huge piece of our own pain that we've carried with us all this way into adulthood.
This moment with our child is inviting us to look at it, to heal it and to walk on as a whole person. In so many ways, these things circle back around to Greece, grieving the people who have called you names in the past, the part of you that has longed your entire life to feel safe in a relationship where no one would ever cut you down.
To be truly safe in your most intimate relationships, you want that and you deserve that. You will achieve that in your relationship to yourself. You ultimately are the one. You can love yourself the way you need to be loved. You can heal the parts of you that need to be healed so you can show up for your child.
And in the meantime, this is an imperfect journey. So you show up partially healed and partially broken. And so does she. We walk with each other through the hard stuff. And we try and we stumble and we learn how to say I love you anyway. If you have a question for our mailbag episodes, I'd love to hear from you.
You can go to www.amandadiekman.com/podcast for a place to send me your questions.
If this podcast is speaking to your soul, you can subscribe through wherever you get your own podcasts. Even better, if you feel the nudge, head on over to Apple podcasts in particular and leave us a review. It's such a helpful way for new people to also get to experience what this podcast wants to bring into their lives.
I'm Amanda. Remember it takes great strength to let things go. I'll see you next week.
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