Afleveringen
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There will be some helpful videos below as well from David Buss and Andrew Huberman as well as the Macken Murphy interview by Rowe that both explain human mating strategy when it comes to the Zeus Instinct.
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SHOW NOTES:
Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss the importance of the Zeus instinct, which is the protector-provider instinct in men. They explain that the Zeus instinct is related to career advancement, survival, and finding a mate. They emphasize the need for men to have a sense of ambition and a mission in life and the importance of initiation experiences that help men tap into their masculine instincts. They also discuss the role of friendship and teamwork in achieving success and finding a compatible partner.
Please read the Martin Seager Medium article to understand some crucial background information:
Keywords
Zeus instinct, protector-provider, career advancement, survival, finding a mate, ambition, mission, initiation experiences, masculine instincts, friendship, teamwork
Takeaways
* The Zeus instinct is the protector-provider instinct in men, related to career advancement, survival, and finding a mate.
* Men need to have a sense of ambition and a mission in life to tap into their masculine instincts.
* Initiation experiences are important for men to understand and use their instincts.
* Friendship and teamwork are crucial for men to succeed in their mission and find a compatible partner.
Sound Bites
"Everything will be all right. I'll take care of it."
"I believe in you."
"Your friendship ability. Friendship is the most important factor in maintaining happiness through life."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction
12:18 The Importance of Initiation
28:02 The Zeus Instinct and Finding a Mate
45:39 Challenges and Growth
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SHOW NOTES:
Summary
This conversation explores the underpinnings of masculine instinct therapy, starting with evolutionary psychology and Jungian psychology. The discussion emphasizes the importance of character development and high virtues as a foundation for positive masculinity. The concept of masculine instincts is introduced, with three specific instincts identified: the Zeus instinct (to provide and protect), the Aries instinct (to fight to win), and the Hades instinct (stoicism and privacy). The conversation also touches on the synthesis of different psychological theories and the importance of finding meaning in life.
Takeaways
* Character development and high virtues are essential for positive masculinity.
* Masculine instincts include the need to provide and protect, the drive to fight to win, and the instinct to be stoic and private.
* Different psychological theories can be synthesized to create a comprehensive understanding of human behavior.
* Finding meaning in life is crucial for both survival and reproductive success.
* Understanding evolutionary psychology can shed light on human behaviors and decision-making processes.
Sound Bites
"The first three masculine instincts or archetypes discovered and proven are: to provide and protect (Zeus instinct), to fight to win (Aries instinct), and to be stoic and private (Hades instinct)."
"You can take the person out of the Stone Age, but you can't take the Stone Age out of the person."
"Understanding how men and women may react to threats can help channel male ambition in pro-social and adaptive ways."
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Zijn er afleveringen die ontbreken?
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SHOW NOTES:
Here we address the importance of self-worth, self-respect, and self-validation in various aspects of life. It questions whether the listener gives themselves enough credit, likes themselves enough, and values themselves in different domains such as career, relationships, and health. It suggests that the protagonist's problem with his girlfriend is rooted in his lack of initiation and permission to champion himself and respect himself.
However, it also points out that the woman he has chosen to be with is not respectable, mature, or valuable to him. This situation is described as codependence, where two people are trapped in a relationship without truly valuing each other. The passage encourages the listener to consider both sides of the equation – giving themselves more permission to pursue happiness and realizing that not every person they are involved with is necessarily valuable to them.
The protagonist's lack of permission to be happy and being in a relationship with a harmful partner are identified as key issues. The passage concludes that even if one is with a reasonable and decent partner, they still have the right to choose not to continue the relationship. The spectrum of circumstances and possible actions is highlighted, and the passage emphasizes the need for clarity in such situations.
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SHOW NOTES:
We describe a person who is living a passive and unhappy life. He follows instructions at work, allows his girlfriend and friend to cheat on him, and tolerates abuse from his girlfriend. The author suggests that this passivity is like being trapped in a prison, preventing the person from taking action or seeking freedom. The passage also mentions the KWML personality styles (kings, queens, warriors, magicians, and lovers), which the author now refers to as MI Social (Masculine Intelligence for Your Social Life). The metaphorical comparison between the reptilian brain (representing passiveness) and the mammalian brain (emotions, friendship, teamwork, and self-esteem) is introduced, highlighting the importance of addressing the emotional aspects of depression. The passage states that the discussion will begin with the understanding of depression as commonly known.
We here explain that the similarity between clinical depression in men and women lies in the emotional experience rather than the reptilian brain. It states that the mammalian brain is responsible for feelings of self-esteem, including well-being and confidence. It is also where emotions like friendship and love are experienced, as well as a sense of value.
We discuss the concept of demonstrating value in dating, suggesting that it is essentially about showing masculinity and the ability to express it. However, it introduces a different perspective on value, comparing it to how we evaluate the importance of a person or thing in our lives. It suggests that the value of something or someone is determined by the amount of happiness and self-esteem it brings us.
This is the concept of value as it relates to people and emotions. It explains that the value we assign to someone or something can vary based on our emotions. For example, on a day when we feel happy and enjoy spending time with certain friends, we may value them more.
However, on a bad day or during a disagreement, we may value them less because we are unhappy with the thought of them. The passage introduces the idea of "putting something in a box," meaning our perception of a person or idea is tied to a specific emotional response.
The level of positive or negative emotion we feel toward that person or idea determines how much we value them. The passage likens this understanding of value to the concept of "liking" something on social media, where the act of pressing the "like" button represents the amount of happiness a post brings us. It suggests that to determine how much someone values you, observe how happy they appear because of your presence or actions.
An example is given where a girlfriend becomes upset even though her partner paid for an expensive lunch because he didn't listen to her during the meal. This situation illustrates that the emotional response and happiness someone experiences in a relationship indicate how much they value the other person.
It discusses the concept of value in a relationship and the dynamics between a man and his girlfriend.
It highlights that material things do not determine the amount a person values or monetary value but by their emotional satisfaction and happiness in the relationship. It presents an example where the girlfriend does not appreciate her partner because she is unhappy with their living situation and feels unappreciated. It contrasts "boy thinking" with a more mature and masculine mindset.
In "boy thinking," a person waits for permission from others or external validation to make decisions or take actions. However, in a mature masculine mindset, one feels empowered to pursue their desires and engage in activities just because they want to, without needing to justify them.
This is to emphasize the importance of personal agency, self-worth, and breaking free from the mindset of seeking permission or validation from others. It states that being trapped in this mindset can lead to feeling stuck or spinning one's wheels. The passage invites a response or follow-up from the listener to reflect on and discuss the ideas presented.
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SHOW NOTES:
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss positive masculinity as a new emerging field of psychology. They explore the concept of positive psychology and its connection to ancient philosophical wisdom. They debunk the notion of toxic masculinity and emphasize that masculinity, like femininity, can be used for good or bad. They highlight the importance of understanding and leveraging one's gender identity to fuel forward motion and achieve goals. They also discuss the three guiding principles of positive masculinity: the instinct to fight and win, the instinct to provide and protect, and the instinct to retain self-mastery and control of emotions.
Takeaways
Positive masculinity is a new emerging field of psychology that focuses on leveraging masculinity for good.
Masculinity, like femininity, can be used for good or bad depending on how it is channeled.
Understanding and leveraging one's gender identity is crucial for personal growth and achieving goals.
Trauma and PTSD can impact the expression of masculinity and need to be addressed in therapy.
Men's groups and mentorship play a vital role in the development of positive masculinity.
The three pillars of positive masculinity are the masculine instincts used as tools for reaching goals and filtered through good use of mindfulness, personal boundaries, and constructive decision-making.
Sound Bites
"Toxic masculinity is an erroneous construct... Every single human on the planet can behave in a narcissistic way."
"Therapy should be a technology of the mind and of understanding the self."
"The three guiding core concepts of positive masculinity: the instinct to fight and win, to provide and protect, and to retain self-mastery and control of emotions."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Overview
09:19 Therapy as a Technology of the Mind
13:33 The Three Guiding Principles of Positive Masculinity
24:00 Positive Masculinity as a Technology of Maturity
28:45 Combining Self-Esteem and Efficacy for a Full Life
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SHOW NOTES:
The passage discusses the concept of countertransference in the context of therapy. It explains that when therapists experience different feelings upon interacting with a patient, it is considered reading their own countertransference. This means that the therapist's own feelings, thoughts, and associations inform their understanding of the patient. The passage suggests that individuals can also apply this concept to themselves by recognizing and examining their own emotions and thoughts.
The passage then delves into the idea that outdoing one's father is often seen as taboo and can be a common reason for a man's failure to excel or learn new skills. It explains that surpassing one's father's achievements is typically reserved for a specific ritual or circumstance where the father willingly hands over the metaphorical mantle of authority. If such a transition hasn't occurred, or if there are unresolved issues or a strained relationship with the father, the taboo of surpassing him may still loom over the individual.
The passage further explores the role of the unconscious mind, explaining that it operates based on similar principles for all men. It compares the unconscious to an autopilot system, steering actions and decisions without conscious awareness. It suggests that this unconscious influence can lead individuals to act out or engage in behaviors driven by underlying motivations of which they may not be consciously aware.
Finally, the passage references the story of a young man in the book and film "Into the Wild" who sought to live off the land in Alaska but tragically perished. It suggests that his actions were unconsciously driven by a desire to find a replacement father figure in nature, stemming from his difficult relationship with his own father.
Overall, the passage explores the concepts of countertransference, the taboo of outdoing one's father, the influence of the unconscious mind, and the search for paternal figures in various contexts.
The passage explains the concept of countertransference in therapy, where therapists experience different feelings when interacting with patients. These feelings are believed to arise from the patient and inform the therapist's understanding of them. The passage suggests that individuals can also apply this concept to themselves by examining their own emotions and thoughts.
It then discusses the taboo of surpassing one's father, particularly in relation to career achievements. The passage suggests that outdoing one's father is often seen as unnatural and can be a common cause of failure for men. It explains that surpassing a father is typically only acceptable when the father passes on the mantle of authority or when there is a clear transition of power in the household. If this transition hasn't occurred, or if there are unresolved issues or a strained relationship with the father, the taboo of outdoing him may persist.
The passage highlights the role of the unconscious mind, noting that it operates based on similar principles for all men. It compares the unconscious to an autopilot system that influences thoughts and actions without conscious awareness. It can lead individuals to act out or engage in behaviors driven by unconscious motivations.
The passage then references the story of a young man in the book and film "Into the Wild" who sought to live in nature and ultimately met a tragic end in Alaska. It suggests that his actions were unconsciously driven by a desire to find a substitute father figure in nature due to his troubled relationship with his own father.
In summary, the passage explores the concepts of countertransference, the taboo of surpassing one's father, the influence of the unconscious mind, and the search for paternal figures in various contexts.
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Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss the concept of positive psychology and its relevance to both men and women. They explore the idea of unifying various fields of psychology into one model and the importance of character strengths and virtues. They also touch on the role of trauma in both males and females and how trauma work can lead to positive self-assessments and healthier relationships. The conversation explores the concept of positive psychology and its application to men's mental health. It emphasizes the importance of boundaries, mindfulness, and a constructive mindset.
The discussion also delves into self-view formation and past experiences' influence on goal-setting and career choices. The integration of different psychological theories, such as the hero's journey and the concept of form and content, is highlighted. The conversation concludes with a focus on the role of curiosity, relationships, and the challenges faced by men in today's society.
Keywords
positive psychology, unification theory, character strengths, virtues, trauma work, self-assessment, relationships, positive psychology, men's mental health, boundaries, mindfulness, constructive mindset, self-view, past experiences, goal-setting, career choices, integration of theories, hero's journey, form and content, curiosity, relationships, challenges faced by men.
Takeaways
Positive psychology focuses on building strengths and virtues rather than pathologizing symptoms.
Character strengths and virtues, such as gratitude, resilience, and personal boundaries, are key components of positive psychology.
Trauma work can lead to positive self-assessments and a healthier sense of self.
In relationships, conflict often arises from one person's trauma interacting with another person's trauma.
Combining trauma work with relationship therapy can lead to significant improvements in couples. Positive psychology emphasizes the importance of boundaries, mindfulness, and a constructive mindset for personal growth and well-being.
Past experiences and relationships play a significant role in shaping self-view and goal-setting.
The integration of different psychological theories provides a comprehensive understanding of human behavior and development.
Curiosity is a crucial trait for personal and relational growth.
Men face unique challenges in today's society, including navigating relationships and finding a balance between career and personal life.
Sound Bites
"Building our strengths is a more effective path to success than trying to force negative things out of ourselves."
"Positive psychology is about taking all the emotions, positive and negative, and processing the negative emotions using mature character apparatus."
"Being a win-win person, where you are trying to benefit yourself, but if you can benefit others at the same time, that's the way to go."
"It's all about you and what composes them and where are your weaknesses and where are your strengths and how can you amplify your strengths."
"See the world as a place of abundance rather than scarcity, where there's more than enough to go around."
"Recognize that goals and achievement can go hand in hand with your relationships."
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Background on Positive Psychology
04:20 The Role of Character Strengths and Virtues
09:41 The Importance of Trauma Work
24:04 Integrating Trauma Work and Relationship Therapy
26:54 Introduction to Positive Psychology and Men's Mental Health
27:21 The Importance of Boundaries, Mindfulness, and Constructive Thinking
28:24 The Formation of Self-View and Goal-Setting
31:22 Integrating Psychological Theories for a Comprehensive Understanding
35:44 The Power of Curiosity in Personal and Relational Growth
37:41 Challenges Faced by Men in Today's Society
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Our ongoing programs on the various forms of therapy and how they affect men continue with notes and slides…
SUMMARY:
Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss mentalization therapy, which is a crucial aspect of every legitimate model of therapy.
Mentalization is the capacity to understand one's and others' internal mental processes, including thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, and motivations. This conversation explores mentalization's developmental trajectory and how it can go wrong, leading to misunderstandings and misinterpretations.
They also discuss the role of boundaries, projection, and unprocessed trauma in mentalization.
Building epistemic trust, understanding the components of trust, and the importance of trust in relationships are also explored.
The conversation concludes with a discussion on the unification of psychological models and the connection between mentalization and inner child work.
This conversation explores the concept of mentalization and its role in communication and relationships.
The discussion covers various topics, including the connection between self and ego states, the impact of childhood experiences on emotional regulation, communication styles in relationships, the role of masculinity in communication, the importance of stoicism, and the core skill of mentalization.
The conversation emphasizes the importance of being present-minded to access mentalization and highlights the use of the five senses, making decisions, and intimate communication as ways to enhance mentalization. Overall, mentalization is presented as a powerful tool for improving communication and fostering healthy relationships.
TAKEAWAYS
Takeaways
Mentalization is the capacity to understand one's own and others' internal mental processes.
Misunderstandings and misinterpretations can occur when mentalization goes wrong.
Building epistemic trust is crucial in mentalization therapy.
Mentalization can be connected to inner child work and the unification of psychological models. Mentalization is a core skill that allows individuals to understand their own thoughts and feelings as well as those of others.
Childhood experiences can impact emotional regulation and communication styles in adulthood.
Masculinity plays a role in communication, and understanding and respecting different communication styles is important in relationships.
Stoicism can be a useful tool in communication, but it is important to balance vulnerability and emotional expression.
Being present-minded is essential for accessing mentalization and improving communication.
Using the five senses, making decisions, and engaging in intimate communication can enhance mentalization.
Mentalization is a superpower that can lead to personal growth and positive change in relationships.
CHAPTERS
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Overview
00:30 Introduction to Mentalization Therapy
01:27 Observing Ego and Mentalization
02:42 Stranger Than Fiction
03:19 Theory of Mind and Mentalization
04:13 Developmental Trajectory of Mentalization
05:11 Misunderstandings and Misinterpretations
06:21 The Role of Boundaries in Mentalization
08:13 Projection and Unprocessed Trauma
09:17 Developmental Levels and Ego Defenses
10:10 Pretend Mode and Emotional Disconnect
11:13 Teleological Mode and Misinterpretations
12:16 Building Epistemic Trust in Mentalization Therapy
13:46 Components of Trust in Mentalization
14:00 Trust and Mentalization in Relationships
15:24 Marked Mirroring and Alien Self
16:22 Expanding the Self through Mentalization
18:21 Anxious Attachment and Domestic Violence
19:28 Divorcing Intellect from Emotions
20:16 The Importance of Passion and Emotion
20:32 Unification of Psychological Models
21:02 Inner Child Work and Mentalization
21:16 The Connection Between Self and Ego States
22:15 The Impact of Childhood Experiences on Emotional Regulation
23:26 Communication Styles in Relationships
25:19 The Role of Masculinity in Communication
26:06 The Importance of Stoicism in Communication
28:22 The Core Skill of Mentalization
29:20 Accessing Mentalization through Being Present-Minded
30:47 Using the Five Senses, Making Decisions, and Intimate Communication to Access Mentalization
34:16 The Power of Mentalization in Communication and Relationships
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SHOW NOTES:
The passage discusses the aim of establishing a body of knowledge called "masculine intelligence" through various programs. Instead of relying on a panel of elders, the goal is to provide men with mentors or heroes who can serve as sources of inspiration and guidance.
These mentors can be individuals like Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, or Warren Buffett, who possess qualities that resonate with one's own identity and values. By studying the lives and decisions of these heroes, individuals can learn valuable lessons and make decisions that align with their own aspirations.
The envisioned body of knowledge would help individuals view their challenges as initiation experiences, enabling personal growth and the ability to overcome obstacles, including the condition of depresculinity.
It is emphasized that fear is a common element in these initiation experiences, and men are called upon to develop skills and execute competencies in response to these challenges.
The passage discusses the concept of execution and the notion of a "killer instinct" in men. It suggests that men possess a natural instinct to excel and achieve results, often associated with the Greek god of war, Ares.
While today's society prohibits physical violence, the passage argues that this instinct still exists and needs to be acknowledged and harnessed.
It proposes that one way to channel this instinct is through setting boundaries and making decisions that prioritize one's own goals over the desires of others. By disappointing or saying no to others, men are symbolically "killing" their dreams for the sake of their own success.
This approach is considered utilitarian and believed to benefit society by allowing the best individuals to succeed. The passage also highlights examples of setting boundaries within personal relationships, even if it means disappointing loved ones in order to achieve desired outcomes. The ultimate objective is to assert one's will and achieve favorable results, even if initial resistance is encountered.
The passage discusses the difference between two types of anxiety: "boy anxiety" and "Man Anxiety." Boy Anxiety is described as crippling and paralyzing, while Man Anxiety is characterized by courage and heightened senses that don't hinder action.
The passage suggests that courage is a key aspect in overcoming panic attacks. It emphasizes the importance of shifting focus from fear and negative thoughts to mining negative experiences for skills, lessons, and strategies that can be used to confront future challenges. By doing so, individuals can come out of difficult experiences with new abilities, reduced fear, and improved ability to act with heightened senses.
The passage also mentions the upcoming exploration of the neuroscience and psychology behind depresculinity, attributing this condition to the mammalian and reptilian parts of the mind. Finally, the passage ends with a question about discipline and goal-setting in relation to personal experiences.
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SHOW NOTES:
The conversation describes a rivalry among men that led to a mini-riot. This rivalry centered around a fire, symbolizing personal success or achievement. A group of individuals wanted to disrupt the fire to prevent its original creator from succeeding. However, a few members recognized the injustice and became angry, eventually calming the situation. The incident taught the speakers a valuable lesson about being considered wrong even when they were right, emphasizing the influence of group dynamics. They also discuss the concept of unfinished business, drawing parallels to a person canceling a wedding due to unresolved issues with an ex-partner. The idea extends to career transitions, suggesting unresolved matters can hinder personal growth and stability.
It discusses the concept of unfinished business, using the analogy of a man canceling a wedding due to unresolved issues with an ex-girlfriend. Unfinished business is described as a hindrance to personal growth and development, both in relationships and careers. It is suggested that unresolved matters, such as unresolved father-son dynamics or a lack of initiation, can create a sense of incompleteness that needs to be addressed before moving forward in life.
The author also refers to movies like "Wanted" to illustrate how characters discover hidden truths about their past and experience transformative initiations. The passage concludes with the idea that facing the fear of death, even in the midst of mistakes or failures, is a crucial aspect of initiation ceremonies and personal growth. Additionally, a website is mentioned where readers can find more information on the topic.
In this segment, the discussion revolves around the three parts of the brain: the Reptilian Brain, the Mammalian Brain, and the Higher Brain. The Reptilian Brain is associated with basic instincts and is considered primitive and closely related to masculinity. The Mammalian Brain, which emerged later in evolution, is responsible for emotions, friendships, values, and love. It developed as a means for mammals to form social structures and benefit from hunting and living as a pack.
The evolution of emotions and friendship allowed for stronger social bonds and increased safety for children. The notion of friendship and love are essentially the same, with friendship being consistent, mutual, and involving positive emotions. These bonds foster trust and enable individuals to work together towards common goals. The Mammalian Brain is described as the emotional center of humans.
However, humans have also evolved beyond being just mammals, suggesting the presence of a Higher Brain that sets humans apart and gives rise to higher levels of cognition and consciousness.
The passage discusses the connection between emotions, friendship, and love, emphasizing that friendship and love are essentially the same, except for the sexual component. By evoking positive emotions in someone, a sense of friendship is established. In this context, friendship is viewed as a foundation for trust and collaboration, enabling individuals to work together towards common objectives, such as building fires, hunting, or engaging in conflicts. The evolution of emotions within the mammalian brain is believed to have provided survival benefits, as it fostered social bonds and increased protection for offspring.
However, humans have transcended their mammalian nature due to the development of a cerebral cortex. This advancement has granted humans the ability to think logically, engage in abstract thinking, create art, and possess a sense of self-awareness—qualities that set humans apart from other animals.
The concept of "masculine intelligence" is introduced as the understanding of the different brain structures and their influence on behavior, including the exploration of topics like "depresculinity." By comprehending the interplay between the reptilian brain, mammalian brain, and higher brain, individuals can gain insight into a range of behaviors, including the depressive condition some men may experience.
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Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss existential therapy and its principles. They explore the concepts of freedom and responsibility, autonomy and choices, and the importance of initiation in therapy. They also discuss the role of mentors and the therapist as a fellow traveler. The conversation highlights the significance of being present and non-judgmental in therapy, as well as the importance of observing ego and mindfulness. Overall, the conversation emphasizes the core principles of therapy and the role they play in personal growth and development.
Takeaways
Existential therapy focuses on freedom, responsibility, and the exploration of meaning in life.
The therapist in existential therapy serves as a fellow traveler, guiding clients in their exploration of anxiety, isolation, and freedom.
Existential therapy emphasizes the importance of autonomy and choices, as well as the recognition of one's own power and responsibility.
Being present-minded and non-judgmental is a core principle in therapy, allowing for growth and self-reflection.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Existential Therapy
02:08 Freedom and Responsibility in Existential Therapy
04:02 Existential Therapy and Mentalization
05:27 Exploring Autonomy and Choices in Existential Therapy
08:09 Existential Therapy and the Hero's Journey
09:23 The Therapist as a Fellow Traveler in Existential Therapy
10:12 The Zeus and Odysseus Instincts in Existential Therapy
12:00 The Importance of Initiation in Existential Therapy
13:24 Self-Esteem and Well-Being in Existential Therapy
14:17 The Role of Mentors in Existential Therapy
16:15 The Present Moment and Observing Ego in Existential Therapy
23:57 Finding Meaning and Engaging with the World in Existential Therapy
25:31 The Core Principles of Therapy: Observing Ego and Mindfulness
30:24 The Importance of Being Present and Non-Judgmental in Therapy
31:03 The Joining Point of Present-Mindedness in Therapy
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SHOW NOTES:
The conversation highlights the absence of structured initiation rituals that mark the transition from boyhood to manhood in today's society. The speakers discuss how leaving home for one's first job or college should serve as initiation-like experiences for boys, but there are no established societal rules or ceremonies for this purpose. This lack of formal recognition contributes to what is referred to as "depresculinity" in men today.
The speakers suggest that without clear permission to express themselves or discuss certain topics, men may feel uncertain about their rights and freedoms. They raise questions about whether men can openly address issues related to their merits and positive role in society and civilization, and acknowledge that women can be equally narcissistic in character and be destructive in their unique ways of communicating and behaving differently from men - in the workplace, the home and community.
The absence of initiation rituals creates ambiguity, leading to potential difficulties in navigating societal expectations and personal autonomy. The significance of involving not only fathers but also society as a whole, including elder males, is emphasized as part of traditional initiation practices.
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Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss the loneliness epidemic among men and explore strategies to overcome loneliness. They delve into the downward spiral from solitary to despair and the importance of processing and self-reflection. They also highlight the role of self-esteem and confidence in combating loneliness and emphasize the connection between self-esteem and friendship.
The conversation touches on the decline of close friendships in men and the impact of online dating on social connections. They discuss the importance of crowds and shared activities in building friendships and provide personal examples of overcoming loneliness. The conversation concludes with the importance of diving into the crowd and collecting bits of happiness to break the cycle of loneliness
Takeaways
* Loneliness can lead to a downward spiral from solitary to despair, making it crucial to find ways to avoid this path.
* Self-esteem and confidence play a significant role in combating loneliness, and friendship is a key source of self-esteem.
* The decline of close friendships in men can contribute to the loneliness epidemic, highlighting the need for spaces and activities that foster male friendships.
* Online dating can isolate individuals and hinder the development of meaningful friendships.
* Joining crowds and engaging in shared activities can help combat loneliness by providing opportunities for connection and the collection of bits of happiness..
Chapters
00:00Introduction
00:56The Downward Spiral from Solitary to Despair
03:26The Negative Effects of Isolation and Depression
04:08Loneliness as a Loss of Reality Testing
05:04The Role of Self-Esteem and Confidence
06:00The Connection Between Self-Esteem and Friendship
08:02The Decline of Close Friendships in Men
09:25The Importance of Interests and Passions
10:17The Equivalence of Self-Esteem, Value, Love, and Friendship
11:16The Loneliness Epidemic and the Need for Friendship
12:31Creating Spaces for Male Friendships
15:09The Impact of Online Dating on Social Connections
18:47Overcoming Loneliness by Joining the Crowd
20:22Personal Example: Building Friendships in a New City
24:20Breaking the Cycle of Loneliness
27:10The Solution: Dive into the Crowd and Collect Bits of Happiness
30:08Conclusion
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SHOW NOTES:
The speaker discusses the concept of "Depresculinity," focusing on the difference between instincts and character when it comes to men and women. They argue that the problem lies not in one's gender, but rather in immaturity and a lack of boundaries. The speaker highlights how both men and women can engage in hurtful behavior, such as bullying, which can lead to emotional pain. They refer to the insights of psychiatrist Robert Galitzer Levy, who explains that emotional pain registers similarly to physical pain in the brain's thalamus. The speaker emphasizes that to recognize and address poor boundaries in both men and women is crucial.
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The Causes and Cures of Depression
* Biology - Antidepressants - we aren’t here for this, and this isn’t medical advice or treatment
* Psychology - Certainly therapy can help with mood and ordinary depression, but most therapy is “gender neutral” - what works for a woman is supposed to work for a man. This only goes so far - not far for many men, and nowhere at all for Depresculinity™, or male “melancholia.” We will make this simple, and furthermore...
* Stress/Social/Decisions - YOU will need to do some things, including going from “boy thinking,” to “man thinking.”
* Antidepressants are generally about 30% effective.
* Antidepressants + “therapy” are about 60% effective (0% for Depresculinity™.)
* ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) is about 90% effective (0% for Depresculinity™ unless you count memory loss.)
* A recent study supported Light Therapy - exposure to light - as possibly as effective as antidepressants if done in great amounts.
* “Melancholia” was taken out of the psychiatric lexicon, and may be reinserted - “uncurable depression” - I think it IS curable, because it is based in GENDER. Being MALE.
The masculine and feminine instincts are why men and women don't see eye-to-eye on these items. The instincts are invisible, and now they matter more than ever in this time of conflict.
They are also the driving force behind how men and women are decidedly different in ways when it comes to psychology and behavior.
There's much to learn about men and their psychology, and as you can see, men and women can't live without each other, and to find happiness, they must learn to understand each other better.
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Summary
This conversation explores the issue of male loneliness and the impact it has on men's mental health and well-being. The discussion highlights the epidemic of isolation among young men and the changing narrative of male friendship. It delves into the importance of understanding masculine instincts and the need for a supportive cultural milieu. The conversation emphasizes the role of friendship in self-esteem, personal development, and mentorship. It also discusses the four variables of friendship: consistency, mutuality, sharedness, and positive emotion. The conversation concludes by looking ahead to explore the history of male friendship.
Takeaways
Male loneliness is a growing issue that affects men of all generations, particularly teenagers and middle-aged men.
Understanding and honoring masculine instincts is crucial for addressing male loneliness and finding meaning in life.
Friendship plays a vital role in self-esteem, personal development, and mentorship for men.
Quality friendship is characterized by consistency, mutuality, sharedness, and positive emotion.
Social media and the lack of in-person connections can contribute to feelings of loneliness and isolation.
SHOW NOTES:
Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss the prevalent issue of male loneliness across different generations, particularly focusing on the impact on teens and middle-aged men. They mention that while social media receives some blame for exacerbating feelings of loneliness, it is a significant issue affecting males of all ages, with notable spikes in loneliness observed among adolescents and middle-aged men. Reference is made to an article in The Walrus by Rachel Geise, which delves into research findings on loneliness, including a 2017 study by Surgeon General Vivek Murthy equating loneliness to health risks like smoking and cardiovascular issues. The conversation highlights the palpable and quantifiable nature of the loneliness epidemic among men.
The discussion revolves around an article written by Rachel that delves into the factors contributing to the current state of male social life, emphasizing the misunderstanding of male nature. The author explores research findings, including a longitudinal study showing that young boys develop strong bonds through activities like playing together, without fostering violent or aggressive tendencies. Instead, these interactions revolve around physical engagement and shared activities, leading to lasting social connections. The conversation highlights the shift in narratives around male friendships, pointing out the diminishing outlets for social connections due to economic pressures and time constraints in adulthood. The article underscores the importance of shared activities and structured time for building and maintaining friendships beyond high school and college years, reflecting on the changing landscape of male relationships.
The dialogue centers on the importance of friendships in historical masculinity, drawing parallels from classic epics and tales of men forming strong bonds to achieve common goals and share knowledge. The conversation highlights the significance of male friendships throughout history, referencing works like the Iliad and the Odyssey as examples of stories depicting male camaraderie in war and quest narratives. The talk explores the concept of masculinity within the framework of evolutionary psychology, emphasizing the role of friendships in providing meaning and fulfillment in men's lives. Additionally, the discussion touches on the idea of positive masculinity, where male instincts are channeled constructively into roles like providers, encouragers, and builders, contributing to society in valuable ways. The conversation also mentions the often risky and dangerous jobs traditionally undertaken by men, reflecting on the societal expectations and realities surrounding male roles and behaviors.
The discussion delves into the essential components of friendship, drawing from Aristotle's classification systems and incorporating insights from the triune brain model. Four key variables are identified as the global smallest common denominator of friendship. Firstly, consistency is highlighted, emphasizing the importance of predictability and knowing what to expect from a friend, requiring boundaries, mindfulness, and self-awareness for a person to be a reliable and consistent friend. Secondly, mutuality is discussed as a principle of fairness and reciprocity where both parties give and receive support, akin to the concept of "you scratch my back, I scratch yours." The importance of shared experiences is underscored as an integral aspect of friendship, emphasizing physical presence, face-to-face interactions, and quality time spent together to nurture deeper connections, in contrast to the limitations of virtual interactions like those on social media. Lastly, shared positive emotions are emphasized as a defining element of friendship, distinguishing it from relationships centered on negativity or complaints, with an emphasis on fostering mutual joy and positivity to strengthen bonds.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction: Male Loneliness as a Growing Issue
01:05 The Epidemic of Isolation Among Young Men
03:16 The Changing Narrative of Male Friendship
05:38 Understanding Male Friendships and Masculine Instincts
08:03 The Importance of Meaning and Cultural Milieu
09:01 The Role of Friendship in Self-Esteem and Mentorship
10:03 The Value of Friendship in Personal Development
12:50 The Significance of Being Witness to Someone's Life
14:22 The Four Variables of Friendship
18:10 The Stakes of Loneliness and the Impact on Health
19:37 The Root of the Problem: Male Instincts and Emotional Connection
20:35 The Importance of Teamwork and Outer-Directed Goals
22:58 Defining Quality Friendship: Consistency, Mutuality, Sharedness, and Positive Emotion
26:34 The Limitations of Social Media in Building Meaningful Connections
27:13 Looking Ahead: Exploring the History of Male Friendship
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…I didn’t know what to make of it.
It’s two men talking and it arrived in my email as an audio file from a friend without much description. Two men who are presumably friends, and one receives support from the other through a hard time.
One figure of speech I have never heard of is words of support one of them calls “Giving you your flowers.”
It is touching and kind, poetic and beautiful.
The file says “Don’t wait for Opportunity, Create it” and the name Pace Morby.
I haven’t looked up this name on google.
I just listened.
And I was captivated by whatever this is...
A man working hard, and nobody notices it.
There is no thanks from anywhere for whatever it is that this man does to pay for things. He is driving a truck, yet there is much more depth to his commitment to his family than his job title.
The host of the talk keeps saying, “I’m giving you your flowers.”
I don’t know what that means. There’s no context.
Well, I think I know what it means…
I have never heard of such a thing before—a friend or acquaintance telling a man who works hard that if nobody else is “giving him flowers” for his duty and devotion to doing right even where he is not wanted, that someone must be the one to “give him flowers.”
That he will do so as his male friend.
The Greeks and Romans believed flowers could be used to express emotion and status. The ancient Greeks gave floral crowns to the winners of contests and competitions to signify success and victory.
Honor.
We have discussed this topic of “Honor” before as being defined as “retained value in good deeds done in the past.”
In other words, instead of “What have you done for me lately?” - a dishonor of the investment and work of the person, the loving response is to honor effort, where the value that lasts from investment and work and love delivered even in the distant past is still of worth, remembered and it counts.
It makes me think of slogans surrounding prisoners of war: “No man left behind” and “You are not forgotten.”
As I spent this day thinking about the “Epidemic of Loneliness” that is underscored by the dearth of friendship ties among males, that less than half of America has a best friend to rely on or to call…
Or the story of Navalny and his death in a prison, where he was not forgotten by his wife all that time, still loving him, and loving him after his death…
It’s the importance of “Honor” in a man’s life.
And as for those services rendered, the effort and investment in a home and family and marriage, you might remember an ironclad rule of their psychology:
Responsibility = Authority and Authority = Responsibility
It’s a way of “calculating honor” almost numerically.
What it means is that if someone has the Responsibility to do an effort, invest a resource, contribute or maintenance something needed, they also inherently possess the exact same amount of Authority over that task or its beneficial outcomes, its results.
If someone commands or wields Authority, this means that the exact same amount of Responsibility has been saddled on them in the subject matter of the Authority, the duties and tasks as then theirs to perform.
I think Honor, Responsibility and Authority were the real topics the two friends were discussing.
So the mental image of a man psychologically “giving flowers” to another man who works hard—because nobody else can even “see him” and what he is doing for those who need him…
…was a way for a male friend to correct what’s missing by being the one to honor his friend, to “give him his flowers,” and so the memory of the weight of all this responsibilities while also in a deep lack of authority over their use was made lighter, perhaps could be forgiven and even could be let go.
Then the friend would have some healing and be made more whole as a man again.
Share your thoughts…
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SHOW NOTES:
Evolutionary psychology of crying and the male instinct to be stoic and not express emotions outwardly in public, to control them.
Marriage on the rocks due to refusal to understand there are biologically-based, masculine and feminine instincts.
Triune Brain: The “reptilian” is where masculinity and femininity reside, sexual attraction, the “mammalian” is where emotion, happiness, friendship and love reside, and the “higher brain” is where the intellect, logic, creativity, character maturity and partnership work.
THE BIOPSYCHOSOCIAL MODEL
What we call "masculine instincts" and "feminine instincts" cause men and women to buy some very different kinds of products for their own instinctual reasons. They even choose very differently among career options and the things they like to think about, worry about, or enjoy as entertainment. They take a different approach to finding and keeping love in their lives.
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The painting above is about Philoctetes, the ancient Greek physician who was traumatized, but needed by Greek society—only he possessed the bow and arrows of Hercules and knew how to use them—in order to win the Trojan War.
In today’s world men have wounds and special knowledge within them that is needed to contribute to society’s growth and health in the same way.
Cognitive Analytical Therapy and Compassion Focused Therapy can be very useful to men and this is likely because they help process psychological trauma and empower the normal, natural masculine instincts.
For those of you who want the entire 40+ hour long Comprehensive Guide to Men’s Psychology online access, simply become an upgraded Substack member:
SHOW NOTES:
Summary
In this conversation, Dr. Paul and Jeremy Fox discuss new generation psychologies and models of psychology that are useful for males. They explore cognitive analytic therapy (CAT), which combines evolutionary psychology and attachment theory.
They also discuss the importance of storytelling and personal symbols in therapy. The conversation then shifts to compassion-focused therapy (CFT), which focuses on alleviating suffering and regulating emotions.
They highlight the role of shame and masculine instincts in therapy and the importance of developing insight and wisdom. Overall, the conversation emphasizes the convergence of different theories and models in understanding and treating masculinity.
This conversation explores the action systems and polyvagal theory, the role of compassion and self-protection, the impact of the threat and self-protection system, the overlap of threat and drive-seeking systems, the purpose of fear and anxiety, the influence of attachment trauma, micro traumas and identity development, the importance of male friendships, the decline of male friendships, the need for environments for men, balancing relationships and friendships, the myth of the lone journeyman, the lack of recognition for male friendship needs, and economic pressures and the decline of male friendships.
Takeaways
Cognitive analytic therapy (CAT) combines evolutionary psychology and attachment theory to provide effective therapy for males.
Storytelling and personal symbols play a significant role in therapy, helping individuals connect with their own masculinity and develop a positive narrative.
Compassion-focused therapy (CFT) focuses on alleviating suffering and regulating emotions, with an emphasis on three affect regulation systems: threat, drive seeking, and soothing and affiliative.
Shame and masculine instincts are important considerations in therapy, and understanding the impact of shame can help in developing effective treatment approaches.
The convergence of different theories and models in psychology provides a comprehensive understanding of masculinity and offers effective therapeutic methods. Understanding the action systems and polyvagal theory can provide insights into how our bodies respond to threats and social engagement.
Compassion and self-protection play important roles in navigating relationships and personal growth.
Attachment trauma can impact our ability to respond to threats and form healthy relationships.
Developing and maintaining male friendships is crucial for men's mental health and well-being.
Societal pressures and economic factors contribute to the decline of male friendships.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction and Background
01:26 New Generation Psychologies and Models
04:09 Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT)
05:34 Attachment Theory and Developmental Psychology
06:31 Evolutionary Psychology and Masculinity
08:28 Jungian Psychology and Evolutionary Psychology
10:27 Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT) and Storytelling
11:24 Personalized Symbols and Mediating Maladaptive Patterns
12:22 Identity and Continuity
13:34 Technological Use and Identity
15:06 Positive Psychology and Cognitive Analytic Therapy (CAT)
17:40 Enactments and Interpersonal Relationships
20:08 Shame and Masculinity
23:27 Convergence of Theories and Masculine Instincts
24:54 Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT)
29:20 Three Affect Regulation Systems in CFT
39:49 Compassion and Alleviating Suffering in CFT
44:44 Action Systems and Polyvagal Theory
45:13 The Role of Compassion and Self-Protection
46:07 The Impact of the Threat and Self-Protection System
47:30 The Overlap of Threat and Drive-Seeking Systems
48:03 The Purpose of Fear and Anxiety
48:31 The Influence of Attachment Trauma
49:16 Micro Traumas and Identity Development
50:06 The Importance of Male Friendships
51:30 The Decline of Male Friendships
52:26 The Need for Environments for Men
53:14 Balancing Relationships and Friendships
54:09 The Myth of the Lone Journeyman
54:38 The Lack of Recognition for Male Friendship Needs
55:07 Economic Pressures and the Decline of Male Friendships
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Join Jeremy and me for another lesson right from the Comprehensive Guide to Men’s Psychology online version for upgraded members as part of their membership.
In the course you have access to when you are an upgraded member, we continue reviewing the major types of psychotherapy that are more useful for men to have better outcomes. These are thought to be more effective for men than traditional "supportive therapy" or merely the encouragement of emotional expression.
Take note of these styles of therapy that specifically help men, look them up on your own, and consider obtaining some training in them as a practitioner or client if you have had any mood or trauma problems as a man. We will cover their principles more extensively in the coursework and discussion community of Men's Psychology:
Positive Psychology/Positive Masculinity
Positive masculinity is when men use their physical and emotional strength to champion healthy behaviors and communities. Positive masculinity is the antithesis of toxic masculinity. The focus of positive masculinity is to help generations of men learn healthy behaviors and then develop more robust communities.
Positive psychology is a branch of psychology focused on the character strengths and behaviors that allow individuals to build a life of meaning and purpose—to move beyond surviving to flourish.
This particular area of psychology focuses on how to help human beings prosper and lead healthy, happy lives. While many other branches of psychology tend to focus on dysfunction and abnormal behavior, positive psychology is centered on helping people become happier.
Extensive research on the efficacy of current male-specific therapies such as FMCT and DAIP reveal underwhelming or poor results for helping men and are based on empirically untested sociology-based constructs such as "Hegemonic Masculinity," “toxic” masculinity, and “hyper-“ masculinity (machismo.) (Powney and Graham-Kevan.)
Emerging research on Positive Masculinity as a new discipline sees both nature and nurture behind masculinity, with more archetypal, biological determinism than stereotypical social determinism and executed with positive results in the healing of male psychological disease in such treatments as PP/PM (Positive Psychology/Positive Masculinity Framework by Kiselica and Englar-Carlson), starting with Maslow and expanded into a new field of psychology by Martin Seligman (2002).
Barry and Seager (2014) posit that some core specifics for male therapeutic work in the Positive Psychology frame driving the masculine instincts include:1. “Fight-win”2. “Provide/protect” and3. “Retain self-mastery/control of emotions” among many others yet to be studied.
Suppose one believes an unconscious (aka instincts) operates in mammals and that these evolved to keep the species alive and thriving.
In that case, they cannot be violated or squelched but must be directed into Anna Freud and George Valliant’s “mature ego defenses,” most notably, “Sublimation” as an ego defense.
Then they don’t impede but instead support the survival of individuals, families, women, children, communities, communities, society, and the species itself.
This underscores that for masculinity to be rescued from impaired mood states, depression, anxiety, and dysfunction in his life, a male must work on a character maturity/character virtue framework as a scaffolding on which to constructively utilize the passion and vitality of masculinity to good ends for society, his family, children, partner, and himself.
The PP/PM Framework has 10 Dimensions of Efficacy in Male Therapy
* Male relational styles
* Male ways of caring
* Generative fatherhood
* Male self-reliance
* The worker/provider's instinctual drive in men
* Male courage, daring, and risk-taking
* The group orientation of boys and men
* The humanitarian service of fraternal organizations
* Men’s use of humor
* Male heroism
As unexpected as it may be for Jungian Psychology to have relevance to today’s complex psychological pathologies, its gift to us is the analysis of human psychological universals that he called archetypes, and which today we have the science models and emerging research to refer to them as biologically determined instincts.
Yet the linguists who predate Jung and saw the mind as “constructed like a language” suggest that the human story and the individual life’s story and its characters can reveal aspects of our universal common traits - the names of the Greek deities and their analogs of today’s cinematic stories: the superheroes both reveal these instinctual circuitries and make them accessible to modern cultures through today's entertainment media.
This is why it is that in two lessons from now and onward, we will rename the categories above to conform to the nomenclature pulled from the combined Jungian/Evolutionary Psychology framework in which we make use of the names of Greek deities to label these various masculine instincts with more distinction and "emotional granularity."
And so, for example, "generative fatherhood" becomes "the Zeus Instinct," and "male self-reliance" becomes "the Odysseus Instinct."
In contrast "worker/provider instinctual drive" becomes "the Hephaestus Instinct" (the "blue-collar work ethic/"a job well-done"), and "male courage, daring and risk-taking" becomes "the Ares Instinct" ("the winning instinct"/"killer instinct") and while "men's use of humor" becomes "the Hermes Instinct," with a host of other resets of nomenclature to make the masculine instincts accessible to the general public.
The usefulness of Positive Psychology as a framework for understanding men's needs in psychotherapy rests on PP's development as an attempt to explain the process of mature character development.
Until the advent of Positive Psychology, the robust set of principles called Freudian Psychoanalysis and its offshoot, Psychodynamic Psychotherapy, was our best explanation of human development, including the process of growing more mature.
They each have practical aspects but are incomplete for a street-level understanding of "how to grow up" as a man.
What is helpful about Positive Psychology for men is that it at least lists and codifies the mature character virtues to strive for and expands what amount to the psychoanalytic "mature ego defenses" (which were initially limited in number) to create a much larger set of human virtues to strive for, and which have a much greater diversity.
For example, in the "mature ego defenses" codified by George Valliant of the psychodynamic school of therapy - Altruism(generosity), Suppression (to table an issue for a better time to address it), Humor, and a few, limited others - then become more varied and modern in terminology in the hands of Positive Psychology's Martin Seligman - Honor, Courage, Generosity, Patience, Humor, Temperance, Assertiveness, Compassion, Wisdom, Modesty and Forgiveness and numerous others that speak to our real nature as striving to be better, more prosperous and happy men.
What Positive Psychology lacks in terms of a dynamics or working parts of the anatomy of those character virtues we will provide in a future lesson on the elements of character maturity.
What's more, if masculinity is located in an area of the mind where the unconscious instincts reside—the reptilian brain—and character maturity resides in a completely area of the mind equally accessible to both men and women—the higher brain—then we need to address both, separate areas if we are to even discuss a "positive masculinity."
We have covered the unscientific terminology "toxic masculinity," in that at the very least, the phrase is a massively illogical misnomer. "Toxic" has nothing to do with masculinity or any other immutable human trait.
The word "toxic" is simply a pop culture synonym for the scientific term "narcissism." The opposite of narcissism and the cure for it rests in the growth of mature character virtues.
Masculinity is just a passionate energy of vitality and can be used as an energy to do good or harm.
Instead of only addressing masculinity on its own terms, or else addressing character virtues through the lens of Positive Psychology on its own separate terms, we will need to combine the two together more in a sense of "mature masculinity" as defining what is being called "positive masculinity" in the research.
The way we will learn to do so in Positive Masculinity as "mature masculinity" also rests in two-word phrases.
For example, from our list above, men are instinctually driven to "fight and win."
This masculine instinct needs to be combined with a virtue to make it a mature masculine form of Positive Masculinity. For example, "fighting with Honor" or "winning with Modesty."
Another known masculine instinct for "risk-taking" must be combined with one or more character virtues to make a mature masculine form of Positive Masculinity, to make "Heroic, Courageous risk-taking."
Again, those who are upgraded members get access to the full course.
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