Afleveringen
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It can be hard to know what to do when you're partnered with someone who is starting to heal from sexual trauma. They may be pulling away sexually. You may be feeling rejected, resentful, and/or disappointed. You may want to support them, but not know how.
Today we’re going to cover the key things you can do to support your partner’s healing and your intimacy together. Four things are oriented specifically towards how you interact with your partner and four are oriented towards supporting yourself.
Join me and let's help you both stay connected and get to the other side.For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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This is a special one. It's both vulnerable and also really satisfying. I’m sharing my story of the 8 key processes that helped me heal from dissociation and PTSD that I accrued from various traumas, including sexual assault, child abuse, homelessness, bullying and harassment.
It's never the same path for everyone, but I hope that this episode will inspire you to try out some of these approaches or understand better how to support loved ones. If you are feeling stuck, have genital numbness, feel disconnected from your body and/or your sexuality, are dissociated, depressed/anxious, or lost in people-pleasing (fawning) in your life, sexuality, and relationships -- this is for you.
I'm sharing the 8 critical steps that helped me heal PTSD and shift into post-traumatic growth, embodiment, and joyful freedom.
Resources Mentioned:
Vagus Nerve exercises: Get on the newsletter here for the vagus nerve exercise video along with other free resources like the Wheel of Erotic Emotions: https://laurajurgens.myflodesk.com/wheelThe Feelings Wheel
Tara Brach's compassion meditation
Books:
No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk (video synapsis here)
Waking the Tiger, Healing Trauma, and In an Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine
Accessing the Healing Power of the Vagus Nerve by Stanley Rosenberg
Videos:
Peter Levine on Trauma and Somatic Experiencing
Trauma Release Method/ Trauma Release ExercisesFor more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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Zijn er afleveringen die ontbreken?
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Learn the 8 core principles of consent, why consent competence makes us all sexier and more respectful lovers and human beings, how to share and model consent principles with kids, and some advanced issues around consent for those interested in kink and/or BDSM.
Ask first, rather than just trying or assuming. Accept that anything that’s not a clear Yes is a No, and that’s ok. Slow down to find your yes or no, and let the other person have time for theirs. All honest responses are kind, including No. Get curious each time: don’t assume a Yes this time is a Yes always. Be open to offer or receive creative alternatives.Kind people still make mistakes, but they also listen and learn from them. Checking in afterwards is important.
Here is the basic outline of the 8 core principles of consent:For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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If you're a person with a penis or partnered with someone with one, this episode will help you understand and solve some very common orgasm challenges for male-bodied people during partner sex: having orgasms sooner than you'd like ("premature ejaculation" or PE) or not at all.
How to Overcome PE, Please Your Partner & Have Great Sex by Metz & McCarthyMaking Love Real by Harel & Hirschman (recommend to all people in relationships)The Multi-Orgasmic Man by Arava & Chia
It will help you stop trying to extend your time to orgasm by thinking about something awful and checking out (pro tip: that is horrible advice), and I'll walk you through what actually works instead.
If you have trouble orgasming with a partner, or you’d just like to try some new approaches to orgasm, this episode will also help you with the most common reason for that and how to overcome it.
Plus you may hear a few tips to enhance male orgasms that you may not have tried yet.
Sign up for my email newsletter with free mini-courses, workshop announcements and general love notes for you, and get the Wheel of Erotic Emotions guide to understanding your turn-ons here: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel
Book recommendations mentioned in the episode:Course recommendation for PE:
2-hour audio course by the Somatica® Method founders: https://www.celesteanddanielle.com/work-with-us/sex-coaching-homework-exercises/control-ejaculation-audio-download/For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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So you want to have more orgasms during partner sex? Awesome!
This is a common goal for female-bodied people and I am 100% here for that. Women have much lower rates of orgasm during partner sex with men than their male-bodied partners do (and fewer orgasms than men think we're having). Lesbians don't have this problem, nor do women of all persuasions during self-pleasure/masturbation. So let's change this situation, starting with you!
We'll cover what's in our way, how to overcome those challenges, and my top 4 tips for having more orgasms during partner sex -- including some important lessons from lesbian sex.
We'll close as always with an exercise to help you clarify your own path forward.For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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How would it feel to feel free from shame? Take a moment to imagine it. If you’d like to get closer to that, join me for Episode 11: Becoming Shameless.
Everyone has shame and inhibitions we picked up from our culture or past experiences. Even those who mask it really well. It is absolutely possible to shed that baggage. It is a liberating process.
This episode will walk you through an effective approach to de-shaming that you can do with someone close to you or on your own.
You will learn how to shed judgment about yourself and others. You will walk away knowing how to release shame, feel more free, more worthy and acceptable, and more connected.
Links mentioned in this episode:
1. De-escalate Stress Quick-Start Class (online) April 12, 2024 at 3pm for only $10. Tired of getting so activated, stressed or anxious? Got a habit you want to kick but keep getting overwhelmed by urges? Learn a simple way to de-escalate anxiety, activation, and urges. You need nothing but your body. Space is limited. Sign up today at https://laurajurgens.com/events
2. For a transcript of the episode, go to: https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ and click on the episode, then click on the transcript tab.
To sign up for my email newsletter, where you can get special companion worksheets for the podcast and other free resources, go to https://laurajurgens.com and grab the Touch Play Guide while you're at it.For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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Episode 10 is all about when and how to talk to your partner about sex. If you're dating, considering dating, or in a relationship, don't miss this one. It will take the guesswork out and keep you from a lot of disappointment.
What would make sex extra amazing for your partner? For you?What would you both like more of? How do you both like to be invited to sexy times? What kind of flirting feels really good to you and them? How do you like to be escalated with? (That is, moving from flirting to touch, initiating kissing, escalating to making out, moving from making out to removing clothes, initiating genital touch, etc.) How do your genitals particularly like to be touched? What helps you get off? What gets in the way of your arousal or hinders your orgasm? How do you know when sexy times are over? What do you like as a check in for when you’d like to wrap up or end sex? What kind of aftercare do you like? (That is, when the sexy times do come to a close, how can you support each other to come down from that in a gentle, connected way? Is there anything your partner should know about how you feel after sex? For example, some people cry, meditate, get very quiet, sleepy, sweaty, etc. and all of that is okay but good to know!)
Many of us spin out in worry about finding the "right time;" avoid talking about important sexual needs, desires, or challenges out of fear or shame; or just blurt out our issues whenever we feel urgent about it. None of these approaches will help you get what you want and need from your partner. This episode gives you the guidance you need to avoid these common communication pitfalls.
We’re going to cover good times and bad times to talk about sex, including what kinds of topics work (and don’t work) when you’re in the middle of getting it on.
I’ll also teach you the 3 key concepts to help conversations on sensitive subjects go more smoothly. Practicing these will help you and your partner feel heard, enable better connection, make empathy more likely, and avoid conflict.
From the episode, the baseline questions I suggest everyone cover with sex partners periodically are below. Consider these a starting point.Plus these basic logistical questions:
When were you last STI tested and what were the results? How many partners do you currently have and what are your safety practices with them? Do you want to be non-monogamous or monogamous and how do you like to organize that? How do you define and communicate around monogamy or non-monogamy?
To register for the April 12, 2024 30-min webinar on De-Escalating Stress in the Body, for only $10, go to: https://laurajurgens.com/eventsFor more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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Today we're talking all about where we get our validation, and what happens when we only look for it externally without giving it to ourselves.
Ever get that feeling that you, or someone you're with, just can't really take in approval? Maybe compliments slide off uncomfortably, or they seem to do absolutely nothing for our self-image. Maybe we feel desperate for attention, affirmation, or we tend to wait for someone else to make decisions. Or maybe we feel the opposite -- like we are entitled to approval for every single thing and we have a hard time taking even gentle feedback.
These are all patterns that stem from withholding validation from ourselves. It not only feels awful from the inside, it's also really challenging for romantic partners. It can be a big red flag in relationships, especially if taken to extremes. The good news is that most people can learn how to decrease the intensity of these patterns by learning to give ourselves more approval -- and it feels amazing when we do.
Episode 9 breaks down validation-seeking behavior patterns. I'll cover what to look for in yourself or others, what's in your power to fix and what's not. I'll also show you how to start working with your own validation-seeking behaviors so you can better accept approval from yourself and others, and let it feel really good.
To get the vagus nerve exercises referenced in this episode (and other free resources), go to https://laurajurgens.com and get on the email newsletter. Opt-out anytime.
Here are the topics for today:
Defining ValidationThe Spectrum of Validation-Seeking
Why You're Not Weird or Lame for Needing Approval
Socialized Patterns in Approval-Seeking by GenderApproval-Seeking Gone Wild, Validation Black Holes and Red Flags
Impact on Relationships
The Way Out of Misery: Repairing the Relationship with Ourselves
A First Step Exercise
For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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Episode 8 is the first in a series about Relationship Skills. We're starting with the fundamental skill of self-attunement. This is the simple practice of tuning into our emotional activation level to understand where we're at and what we're available for.
It's simple, and doesn't take long. It is also a game-changer for your relationships, whether with yourself or with everyone else in your life.
What is self-attunement?Most of us struggle to maintain a deep connection during daily life and when we interact with others. Self-attunement is about being "home" to ourselves, staying connected to our needs and sensations rather than being solely outward-focused.
I'll walk you through a simple exercise to drop into your body, assess your emotional activation on a 0 to 10 scale, and be present to your own experience. This exercise can be done anytime, anywhere, and serves as a foundation for deeper self-awareness and authenticity.
Benefits of Self-Attunement:
Self-attunement enhances authenticity and empowers us to make decisions aligned with our true desires.It improves our ability to connect with others by fostering genuine presence and understanding.Self-attunement also aids in setting boundaries and navigating challenging conversations with clarity and composure.Practical Applications:
Self-attune before engaging with others, especially in intimate or emotionally charged situations.Use self-attunement to regulate your capacity for decision-making and avoid acting impulsively under emotional stress.Employ self-attunement to empathize with others and defuse tense situations.Share the practice of self-attunement with friends or partners to foster mutual understanding and support.Conclusion:
Self-attunement is a powerful tool for cultivating self-awareness, authenticity, and meaningful connections in all aspects of life. It also helps us not be jerks to ourselves or other people. By integrating this simple practice, you can boost your emotional intelligence, as well as the fulfillment you feel in your connections with yourself and others.For more free resources, to get on my newsletter and to get access to upcoming webinars, join my list at https://laurajurgens.com/ (opt out anytime).
For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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This episode will help you connect better to your own pleasure and your partners through simple changes to the words you use to talk -- and think -- about sex.
I'll cover the impact of words on mindset, expectations, and emotions, and give you some options for new terms to try on to feel more free during intimacy. The episode outlines the socialized connotations of words like "sex" and "penetration," highlighting the pressure it creates for people of all genders. We'll challenge patriarchal connotations, acknowledging how unintentional absorption of biases affects us all.
You'll learn some alternatives that encourage exploration and pleasure without fixed expectations. I'll give you a practice prompt to create lasting shifts in your own life. The end result is a simple way to help liberate your sexuality and foster authentic connections for mutual pleasure.
For more free resources, check out https://laurajurgens.comFor more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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In this episode, you'll learn why it's so important to understand your own erotic superpowers. We'll dive into the importance of owning your strengths when reaching for new goals. I'll help you identify your own erotic superpowers by explaining 16 common categories of them. The episode closes with an exercise to help you uncover, celebrate, and build on your special blend of strengths.
For the free Touch Play Guide, go to https://laurajurgens.com and for a transcript, go to https://sexhelpforsmartpeople.buzzsprout.com/ and click on the episode.For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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This episode is all about the psychological side of sexual desire. Our brains are our biggest sex organs. They enable us to feel interested, excited, and satisfied. So a big key to sexual self-empowerment is knowing your own core desires – the erotic emotions we crave during sexual play. They aren't obvious, and many may be surprising.
This is a big topic, so I'm going to break it all down. We’ll cover what emotions actually are and why we have them, what erotic emotions are, where they come from, why we have the ones we have, and how to find yours.
We'll also talk about how this relates to kink and what to do with fantasies that freak you out. I'll explain why it's all really normal and how to interpret your fantasies.
Get the free tool, The Wheel of Erotic Emotions, to get started exploring on your own or with a partner here: https://laurajurgens.com/wheel/.For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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Join me on a useful journey through the dark forest of libido blockers. We're going through a list of the top 11 types of 'brakes' I see getting in the way of arousal and desire. After all, you can hit the gas all you want but you won't go anywhere if you don't release the brakes.
Here are the top issues we'll cover:
1. Genital pain and numbness
2. Feeling obligated to have sex for someone else
3. Internalized social "rules" about yourself or your partner
4. Unmanaged stress
5. Not knowing your body or not listening to it
6. Negative body image
7. Not knowing or being ashamed of your emotional turn-ons
8. Unresolved trauma (I'll give you my recommended therapy approaches)
9. Over-busyness and distraction addiction
10. Trying to use alcohol or substances to calm down (and why this backfires)
11. Resentments in relationships
We'll close with an exercise to help you start noticing what might be in your way.For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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This episode is the first in a series on arousal and desire. It will give you the foundation you need to understand the different types of arousal and start thinking critically about desire, so you can boost your experiences of both processes.
We'll unpack how underlying cultural assumptions about sexual desire -- and the limited information we all get on arousal -- can really squash sexual joy, particularly for people socialized as women. We'll also cover how to start freeing yourself from all that so you can find your own authentic sexual freedom.For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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Unlock the superpower hidden within the simple act of touch. In this episode, I guide you through the transformative practice of Attuned Touch for better intimacy and connection.
This is a game-changer for giving and getting affection, whether you're using it in a sexual relationship or not. It's an amazing skill for everyone, single or partnered.
We cover what Attuned Touch is, why it's so powerful, and how to do it in 4 easy steps.
We'll also talk about 3 common mistakes we all make with touch and how to avoid them. I'll even give you some ways to offer kind feedback to get better touch from a partner.
You'll walk away with a practice that's easy to integrate into your daily life and powerfully effective for boosting intimacy.For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
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Ever feel like your career leaves little room for the joys of your sensual self? Join me, in this first episode of Sex Help for Smart People, where you'll learn why it can be hard for even the most successful women to know how to get what they want in sex and relationships.
Practical advice to integrate sensual self-awareness Exploring sexual empowerment and relationship skillsHow to navigate vulnerability with your partner for a more satisfying sexual lifeExercise: How to start connecting with your sexual body
In this episode, we're taking a radical departure from the ineffective methods that leave so many high-achieving women feeling stranded, and we move towards a practice that’s about embracing your body and its desires through communication and play, equipping you with the tools for change.
We'll wade through the murky waters of gender socialization, busting myths and lifting the veil on authentic selfhood. Feeling safe, setting boundaries, and indulging in pleasure without obligation isn't just a fantasy—it's a birthright.
What you'll learn in this podcast:If you're ready to break the chains of societal pressure and reconnect with the pleasure you deserve, this episode provides the first baby step with a tiny practice to begin your journey to better sex and connection with yourself and your partner.
For more free resources, to get on my email list for access to events and encouragement from me, or to see if I'm taking new clients and book a consultation, go to https://laurajurgens.com
