Afleveringen
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Summer is coming to an end!
I'm feeling mixed emotions about that, how about you?
This week's podcast/YouTube episode is the final one about summer camp. We had an amazing 5 weeks and I'm glad I was able to spend that time with our summer campers. I'm also glad I was able to share it with everyone via the podcast!
Here's a clip from the episode:
People have developed all kinds of rules for UNO that are not the actual rules of UNO. And the challenge with that is that our kids don't understand that. So they know how to play UNO the way they've learned how to play UNO, which is usually based on whoever they typically play it with, whether it's family, whether it's friends. But very rarely do two people have the same UNO rules.
The biggest conflict I see is, per UNO rules, if you don't have a card to play you draw one card and if you can't play it you lose your turn. But a lot of people play where you draw until you get a card that you can play. So that's the number one conflict I see is people trying to do that each way and then getting upset with each other when really it's just two people with a different understanding of how to play.
And so UNO can just get really complicated because different people have different ideas of how to play without recognizing that the way they're playing is not the actual UNO rules.
Once I explain that, everybody's fine and then they just have to agree on what rules they're going to play by. But again, it just all comes back to helping kids understand that we all process and think about things differently. And we only know based on our experience. So if you have someone else who's got a different experience, that's what they know.
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One of my biggest objectives with my students is helping them understand how other people think and feel. The topic of farting is actually a great way to make this point.
Talking about farting also helps my students understand the concept of 'context'. The concept that there are different rules and expectations in different contexts can be a challenge for neurodivergent kids.
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing stories from our 5th week of summer camp. A lot of situations in our 5th week revolved around thinking about what someone else may be thinking.
Here's a clip from the episode:
Because we're mostly boys, one of the things that happens... this happens all the time at Starfish, especially with new kids who haven't been part of this conversation, is we have to have a conversation about farting in front of other people. During summer camp alone, I think we had it three times this summer. One thing to be mindful of, those of you guys that are parents, is that for kiddos who are autistic or have ADHD, they often have a difficult time understanding that there are different expectations in different environments. And so one of the things that I'll see sometimes is I'll see a kiddo doing or saying something that I can tell they do or say at home, but is not appropriate to do or say at Starfish Social Club, or to me as an adult.
However our kids act and talk at home is probably going to be how they act and talk out in the world. And so just to be aware of this.
So just being aware of the way your kiddos talk, the things that you guys joke about, the things that you tolerate or that you allow or that you have no problem with, but if they were to go to a friend's house, or if they were to say or do that at school, it would be an issue.
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Zijn er afleveringen die ontbreken?
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I sometimes get asked how I decide what to focus on with my students at Starfish. How do I decide what to support them with and what to leave alone?
I focus on two things: things that affect each student's ability to function successfully in a group, and things that affect each student's ability to make and maintain friends.
First, this is a group program. Because of that, I am able to quickly and clearly see the things that cause kids to struggle in a group context. Maybe it's always needing to have things go their way. Maybe it's monopolizing conversations.
Second, I notice the things that are interfering with their ability to make and maintain friends. This is different for every kiddo. For some kids, it's that they don't know how to maintain conversations. For others, it may be their difficulty solving problems.
In this week's episode, I'm sharing stories from the rest of our 4th week of summer camp related to helping students improve their group behaviors and raising awareness of some things that are getting in the way of building friendships.
I'm sharing stories and strategies about everything from responding to things with, "I don't know", to choosing who to spend our time with.
Here's a clip from the episode:
Because at this point it's just an automatic reaction for him, but it doesn't always have to be. We can definitely break those automatic, shutdown, refusal, 'I don't know' kind of things. 'I don't know'... I've met so many kids who that becomes their default: I don't know. And it's when they're feeling a little bit overwhelmed by something. If we just step back and give them some time and space, almost always they will think of something to say.
I've seen that with so many different kids in so many different situations. Even… I remember I had a kiddo who used to say that even when I would ask him just a social question like, 'What's your favorite video game?' 'I don't know.' And then I would just wait a little bit. And then he would answer the question. Sometimes kids do this because they don't want to say the 'quote, unquote' wrong thing. Even though there's never a wrong thing at Starfish Social Club.
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One of the biggest challenges everyone in this world encounters is learning to recognize and appreciate that we all have different perspectives.
About everything.
All the time!
For our autistic and ADHD kids, this one thing is the cause of SO MANY of their struggles. It is very difficult for a lot of our kids to realize that different people think differently, and beyond that is the ability to understand exactly what/how those different people are thinking!
In this week's episode, I'm sharing stories from the first 2 days of our 4th week of summer camp.
Week four was characterized by understanding how different people think, and some of the conflicts that occurred when the kids struggled with this.
There was lying. There was cheating. There was anxiety that showed itself as not being very friendly. There were kids talking to themselves and kids talking to people without actually talking to anyone.
And there was growth and awareness and understanding, as there always is when we share space and play and learn together!
Here's a clip from the episode:
It reminds me of one time, many years ago, when I was at a marketing event for Starfish Social Club and a parent came up to me and asked about what I do. And she said, “Oh, my daughter doesn't need this. She's really social.” And she pointed her out to me and I noticed her… she's probably about 16,15, talking to some other people her age, and I can tell just by watching that they did not want to be talking to her. And at no point was she recognizing that, she was monopolizing the conversation,… it wasn't actually a conversation, it was just her talking at them.
So I think our kids who are more chatty, sometimes we mistake chattiness for social skills, when actually sometimes these students have poorer social skills than our kids who are more quiet and reserved.
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Our brains are wired to focus on the things going wrong. The things we don't like, the things that aren't 'normal', all the ways in which things just aren't going well.
I prefer to look for the little things that weren't there the day/week/month before. The things that show my students are learning and growing. The little things that pave the way for big things.
In this week's episode, I'm sharing stories from the rest of our 3rd week of summer camp.
(If you missed last week's episode, it just covered one day! This week's episode is about the rest of the week.)
I'm sharing stories and strategies about everything from picking toes to giving each other social feedback.
Here's a clip from the episode:
Two of the kids had chosen a different color while I was gone. And these are two kids who are new this year, and they've both been there every day. They are some of the kids that I've talked about that have had rough days. And so the fact that both of them, on their own, had chosen to be 'not blue' was really impressive to me. I was very impressed by that.
And I think for a lot of people, this doesn't seem like a big deal. Like, why is that a big deal? It's actually a huge deal. I think a kiddo who's always stuck on going first, or who's always stuck on being a certain color, the day that they can be unstuck about that I think is a huge deal. And so this was a really amazing day for me for these two guys who both were willing to be a different color. That's just... it's just a bigger deal than we give it credit for usually.
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Have you ever wondered what just one day at Starfish Social Club looks like? You know, the whole 'behind the curtains' thing?
This week's podcast/YouTube episode was supposed to be about week 3 of summer camp, but I talked for OVER 45 MINUTES just about Monday!
Y'all, that's a lot of talking about a 3-hour day! So I decided that was enough for one episode. :)
In this week's episode, I'm sharing everything that went on during ONE DAY of summer camp.
The big thing that occurred was complaining. SO MUCH COMPLAINING!
In this episode I share who was complaining (almost everyone), what they were complaining about (almost everything), how I handled it, and how the rest of our day went from there. If your kiddo (or maybe an adult you live with?) is prone to complaining, this is a great episode to listen to!
Here's a clip from the episode:
Complaining is really common for, not just kids, but people who are neurodivergent. And it is because part of, especially autism, also ADHD, is a reduced ability to understand other people's thoughts and feelings. And so people who have neurotypical brains tend to understand much more efficiently, that complaining makes other people not want to be around them. But people who don't always see that connection between their choices and other people's thoughts and feelings really miss that point. And so they're more prone to complain about things because they miss that connection.
And also, people who are neurodivergent are much more likely to not have as much of a social filter, which we usually associate as being a negative aspect. We usually think about somebody not having a filter as meaning they say things that hurt people's feelings, they say things that other people couldn't imagine saying. But it also just means they say things without understanding how it affects other people. So complaining is all of these things together.
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Any time someone is learning something new, they go through certain phases.
The first phase is 'unconscious incompetence'. This is where we don't know what we don't know. In this phase, we may not even realize how much the things we don't know are holding us back.
The second phase is 'conscious incompetence'. This is where we become aware of what we don't know. In this phase, we start to realize how what we don't know is keeping us from what we want.
This phase is HARD. It requires us to acknowledge what we don't know, and in order to move forward we have to seek help.
This is where a lot of kids have a hard time when it comes to social skills. They have become aware of what they don't know (they don't know how to make friends, they don't know how to talk to other kids, they don't know how to regulate their emotions, etc) but they don't know what to do differently.
Accepting help means changing and growing. It means letting go of some things and being willing to try new things. It means not always getting it right and being willing to try again.
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing everything that went on during our second week of summer camp.
There were challenges, there were frustrations, there were big emotions and frustrations and disappointments.
And there were huge wins! And the wins only come as a result of all the challenges.
Here's a clip from the episode:
There are definitely times, especially for new students, where when they first come to Starfish, it is a lot because this is the kind of stuff we do. As I say, this is why we're here. So some kids go home having had a rough day or a rough week when they first start, because this is what we're doing. We're working on being more flexible, being more adaptable, being with a group, hanging out with other people, we've got personality conflicts. It's a group of almost exclusively autistic and ADHD kids. So if you think about your kiddo times 10, right, that's what it is. So sometimes when kids first come, it's hard. It is hard for them. Sometimes they're getting a lot of feedback from other kids and that's hard for them. Sometimes they're missing out on things and that's hard for them. Sometimes they're bothering people and the other kids don't want to play with them. But as long as we keep coming and keep working, it always, always, always gets better. Always gets better.
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While I absolutely love hanging out with students one on one, it is definitely not the most effective way to help them develop social skills. I am not their peer, our interactions will be different than those between them and kids/teens their own age, and I can't help them with challenges that I don't witness.
When kids and teens are in a social group I can see exactly how they interact, what they excel at socially, and how/why they are struggling when it comes to making and keeping friends.
I can (and do!) create situations where:
* I challenge my students' cognitive flexibility
* I showcase their strengths
*I honestly have no idea how things will turn out!
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing everything that went on during our first week of summer camp.
Even if you live across the world and don't care about camp, I encourage you to check out this episode. I talk about all the activities we did, situations that came up, how we all handled them, and share strategies and suggestions for how anyone can help their kids/students be more socially successful.
Here's a clip from the episode:
One of the things, for any of us that are teachers, parents, counselors, anything, is for every one of our kids, we have to know their line. We have to know where the line is between how much we can push them without pushing them over the edge. And that line is in a different place for every kid. So that's something that's really important to me, for all of us that are with anybody really, even in friendships and romantic relationships, we all have that line. And so it's really important to me to find that line and to respect it.
With this student I knew that I could push him pretty far and we would be okay. And so I was pretty firm with him and I let him know that if he chose to isolate himself for the rest of the afternoon, totally fine. That's his decision. But it was going to be a really boring day because he wasn't going to be able to just hang out on his phone. If he chose to isolate himself he wouldn't be part of anything else that we were doing, and it was going to be a really long, boring day if that's what he chose to do. And then I walked away. Because my goal is to plant a seed in his brain. It's not to start an argument with him.
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If you think about some of the most common advice our kids get when they are trying to make friends, it's usually things like:
*Just go up and introduce yourself
*Ask them what they are talking about
*Don't talk to strangers
None of these strategies help people make friends. They actually make things more awkward and cause people who try them to be LESS likely to make connections with others.
In the last 8 months, I've been to 2 countries, 11 states, and Puerto Rico. And I've made amazing connections with other humans in EVERY one of those places!
How??
In this week's episode, I'm sharing how I make friends everywhere I go.
It sure as heck isn't by being afraid to talk to strangers, or by going up to someone and saying, "Hi, I'm Steph!", or by randomly interrupting a conversation to ask people what they are talking about.
Here's a clip from the episode:
It's important to be okay with knowing that, sometimes when we have a really great interaction with somebody or really great experience with somebody, that may be all there is to it. We may not ever talk to them again or see them again. And so part of talking to strangers is being okay with that. Part of talking to strangers is being okay with the fact that this may be the last time you ever talk to them again. I actually think that's a good thing. I think it takes a lot of the anxiety out of it. Because even if you try to start a conversation with a stranger and it's super awkward and doesn't go well, you're never gonna see them again. It's okay.
I think that actually makes it easier than trying to start a conversation with someone that you actually will see again: somebody at work, somebody at school, somebody at, you know, one of your hobbies, I think it actually makes it easier. It's almost like strangers are for practice!
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One of the many reasons summer camp is my favorite is because we spend SO MUCH time playing. No matter how old everyone is, we all play for, like, the whole time! We hang out on a playground, we do organized executive functioning games, and we do board and card games EVERY DAY!
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm hanging out with Lindsay from Mindful as a Mother. Lindsay and her business partner are both child counselors and have created an amazing program providing resources to parents of neurodivergent kids, which is a category Lindsay falls into as well!
We talked a lot about how social skills can be taught in ways that can actually be harmful for our kids, and how focusing on play makes everything easier and better.
Here's a clip from the episode:
Lindsay: So first, when your child is in a play state, that is when they are the most regulated, most open to learning, and most open to change. So I try and get every child that I work with into a play state, and make things as fun and engaging as possible when they are learning new skills so that one: that information really sticks, and two: they're more likely to absorb and be able to apply it later.
Steph: Yeah, so you're mentioning when they're in a play state and they're just kind of more receptive... my immediate thought was, if you're familiar with Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, right? That we, when we are worried about things, we're not in a play state. When we are stressed, when we're anxious, when we're hungry, when we're tired, when we're afraid, we're not in a play state. And so I hadn't really thought of that before but I think that's such a great thing to be aware of is that if your kiddo is playing, they're comfortable, right? They're physically comfortable, they're emotionally comfortable. And so yeah, and it really is interesting, any time we can make something fun and engaging, just how much more... Even as… as adults, right? That's why, games! I mean, the concept of gamification is such a big deal.
Where to find Lindsay:
MindfulasaMother on social media
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This month is Starfish Social Club's 8th birthday! That means it's now older than some of our students!
I've been reflecting on all the things I've learned from teaching social skills over the last 8 years. It's been an amazing experience and opportunity, and I'm incredibly grateful to be able to do something I love so much.
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing the 8 (actually 9) most important things I've learned with and from our kids. Some of the things have to do with how I work with the kids, and some have to do with how I've changed my own thinking and behavior as a result.
Here's a clip from the episode:
It just really made me realize how I had a problem with something that one of the kids said that nobody else had a problem with, especially the kid who he said it to. That was my problem. That was my interpretation, my perception, and I was wrong. And that was just such an interesting moment for me realizing that, as much as I try to be more of a facilitator with the students and let them interact and engage with each other with my support, but I... one of my goals is really for them to be able to give each other feedback and, you know, engage with each other, and I'm just there to kind of support and facilitate, I interjected myself into that situation. And I was wrong.
So I just really, I love that moment because it taught me so much. It taught me that sometimes the things that bother us, nobody else cares about. And it's because we are interpreting it differently than anybody else. So I really try to think about that now when I see interactions with... with kids and sometimes somebody will say or do something and I'll want to interject, and then I'll just remember, I may be wrong. I may be misperceiving this.
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While our social groups and summer camp here at Starfish Social Club are geared towards kids and teens, kids and teens grow into adults! At some point along the way, the focus often shifts from making friends to dating and romantic relationships.
We talked about romantic relationships a bit this month in the module our students are currently going through, but it's not something we spend a lot of time on. That's why I'm glad there are other people who do focus on dating for those of us who are neurodivergent!
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm talking about autistic dating with Jen and Kim from The Mix. They are dating coaches and have created a platform for autistic adults to meet, mingle, and form relationships.
Here's a clip from the episode:
Practicing ahead of time what you can expect, but also planning to say, “This isn't going the way I want to so when this happens, I'm going to do this. If this happens, I'm going to do this.” You know, for the… even down to simple conversation starters. So having some conversation starters or some things that you're willing to share back and forth. That's a… that's part of a plan.
And then if somebody starts talking about something that maybe makes you uncomfortable, saying, “Oh, I'm not quite comfortable with this, let's talk about this.” Or a way to segue into something else. And just really, it's knowing that it's okay to feel however you you feel and embracing if you're sitting there in silence for a few minutes. That's okay, too. You know, just… just discovering all of the different possibilities and the… a lot of times we all play as humans the ‘what if game’. And that's fun for a little bit, but then it, it could really get you caught up in your own head doing the ‘what ifs’ for… for a little bit of time. But then also having a plan for… having a plan for not having a plan.
Where to find The Mix Dating:
www.themixdating.com
IG: themixdating
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I'm going through a 'life phase' right now where I'm learning and doing and trying a bunch of new things.
Some days I feel a bit frustrated that I didn't know some of these things sooner, or that I have never done something like this before, or that I'm as old as I am and this is all new to me.
And then I cut myself some slack because it's not like there's a manual for all the things we need to know in life.
It's very much the same when it comes to the social world. There is no manual for how things work socially. This is why I don't believe in there being a 'right' or 'wrong' way to do things.
I have learned, however, that there are strategies and techniques that are more likely to lead to the outcomes we want, and those that are less likely to do so. Here at Starfish, I teach students the strategies that are more likely to lead to better relationships with others.
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing the things we as adults misunderstand about our kids making friends including some things I have done myself in my 'former life'! My goal with this episode is to help all of us be a little more aware of how we may actually be making it harder for our kids, and what we can do instead.
Here's a clip from the episode:
I think it's really important that, if we as the adults have a goal, a desire, a wish, a dream for our kiddo to have more friends, that they also have that goal or desire or wish or dream, even if they're not consciously aware of it. It may be things that you've heard your child say. Maybe you've heard them mention that they don't have friends. Or maybe you've heard them make comments about how other people have friends, maybe they've noticed that. Maybe they don't talk about the word 'friend' specifically, but they talk about feeling lonely or feeling left out or feeling different.
These are all things our kids may say that help us recognize that they're feeling a lack of connection to their peers. So it doesn't have to be that they've specifically talked about friends, but just that we've noticed they have noticed that they're feeling a bit disconnected from their peers. That's what we're looking for. If you don't notice that in your kiddo right now, it's okay. It may just be the phase of social development that they're in right now that they don't really notice or recognize that they don't have friends.
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Last week a friend of mine posted a picture on Facebook of a messageboard with a cryptic message that I couldn't uncrack. I scrolled through the comments and saw that it's 'court reporter speak'. I have zero familiarity with this 'language', and seeing it made me even more confused as to how it's actually useful!
It's interesting how we all interpret things differently. How two people can look at a picture or a situation or a person and see two completely different things.
The message on the board in court reporter language is the Serenity Prayer. The one about accepting the things we cannot change and changing the things we can.
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm talking to Christine MacCarroll about her experience seeing her child's challenges differently than others were seeing them. It's an amazing story about how Christine realized there were things that she could change that ultimately led to a completely different outcome for her daughter.
Here's a clip from the episode:
The brain is literally the only thing where we're not looking at the health of the organ when we're talking about symptoms, right? So if we're talking about heart health, we would never talk about heart health and then not be talking about saturated fat and fiber, right? But we really talk about symptoms that are related to the brain, and we don't talk about the health of the brain or the needs of the brain. And so the energy factories inside of our cells, which are the mitochondria, are super, super hungry and active in the brain. And so if we're not feeding them what they need, then they're just not going to be able to run right. And then the things that are symptomatic for someone, like not being able to focus or sit still or having executive function issues, those are just going to be amplified because the actual organ doesn't have what it needs to run, right?
And so my analogy for this is: If you want to build a brick house, you have to use bricks. And it seems really simple, but you can't use toilet paper. And you could bring me an entire semi-truck of toilet paper, but if you want to brick house, you need bricks. And so your brain needs certain bricks. So having balanced blood sugar means to me that you have provided energy at a nice regular pace where your brain has the energy that it needs on a regular basis.
Where to find Christine:
ChristineMacCarroll.com
IG: Christine.MacCarroll
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In our weekly social groups, we are finally talking about friends! We've been building up to this point for a while.
Any time we learn something new, there's also some unlearning that has to happen. That's what has been going on in our groups: I am helping students unlearn what they THINK friendship is. Over the years, I've realized and recognized several different misconceptions our kids have when it comes to who friends are, and how to actually make them.
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing these misconceptions, why they matter, and what actually has to happen for our kids (or anyone, really) to make friends.
Here's a clip from the episode:
You may be thinking, wondering, why does it really matter? Why does it matter if my kiddo refers to other people as friends, even when they're not? Why does it matter if my kiddo thinks he has 14 friends even when he doesn't? It matters because the expectations... the social expectations between acquaintances and friends are different.
A great example is that we are expected to engage in small talk when we run into one of our acquaintances. But even things like the question: How's it going? Or: How are you? When an acquaintance asks us that question, the expected response is the social fake. It's something like, 'I'm good', 'I'm okay, how are you?' Even if we're not good, or if we're not okay. With an acquaintance, we're just trying to be polite and friendly. And so usually we do the social fake, even if things aren't really so great. It would be really awkward for an acquaintance to ask us how we're doing and for us to unload on them about how we've had a really rough day.
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I really love learning new things, especially when those things help me figure out more about myself. I had no idea that was going to be the case when I scheduled an interview with this week's guest, Niki McGlynn.
The more Niki talked about her work with primitive reflexes, the more I realized she was describing so many of the things that are a challenge for me physically. From my over-the-top startle reflex to my inability to look behind me while cycling without crashing, Niki had an explanation (and, more importantly, a solution) for it all.
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, Niki and I are going deep into the topic of primitive reflexes. What are they, how does their inability to integrate affect how we think, feel, and operate in the world, and what can be done for people like me who apparently are very dis-integrated?
Here's a clip from the episode:
Steph: I can think about a physical activity and I can know that I can't do it. I can't jump. I can't jump! I don't understand the process that allows people to jump. And so if I just stand straight, I get, like, very little clearance off the ground. I would never try to run and jump over an object. Never. I don't understand the mechanics of jumping.
Niki: This is why... this is why I love reflex integration. Because... because if we could integrate your reflexes, you'd be able to do that. And it sounds like a tiny thing but when you can't do something that everybody else can do, it's really frustrating because you go, 'well, what's wrong with me?' Why is it... you know, I mean, and this is a typical story I think of ... of adult diagnosis of ADHD and autism and dyslexia and everything is you spend your whole life going, 'Well, what's wrong with me? Why can everybody else do it and I can't do it? You know, clearly, I'm a weirdo.' But actually no, it's just that actually, you've got a neurodevelopmental issue. And integrating reflexes can help.
Where to find Niki:
Niki McGlynn
www.organisedmind.co.uk
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One of the most important needs we all have as humans (once our basic needs are met) is the need to be seen for who we are.
If you think about the people in your life that are the most important to you, chances are it's because they make you feel seen for who you are. They love you, they care about you, they respect you. Even when you've had a rough day. Even when you mess up. Even when things aren't going well. Even when you aren't sure who you are.
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm exploring the question of who our kids really are.
I've recently made some changes in my life and it's shown me that sometimes who we think we are is based on everything EXCEPT us. It's based on who others want us to be, who we wanted to be when we were younger, even who we want to stop being, but can't.
I'm also sharing strategies for how to help your kids uncover who they really are, and how to love the child that is in front of you.
Here's a clip from the episode:
We aren't learning who we are, as we get older. We're unlearning who we thought we were. And that quote really resonates with me because I think we're all our truest selves when we're about four and five years old. I think we can look at four- and five-year-olds and we can have a good idea of what that child enjoys, what they like, who they are, what's important to them, what's meaningful to them, what their personality is like. And then, kind of society at large just jumps in and we start kind of molding kids into what we think they should be, in order to have a job. In order to get accepted to college. In order to have friends. In order to fit in. Whatever the case may be. In order to not be so difficult. And I think a lot of the personalities, especially of our kids, tend to get smushed in the process.
Praise episode: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/yz7gf1UedIb
Autism awareness episode: https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/nJ2wPqaJtIb
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Have you ever noticed how much the way you were raised influences the way you parent/teach? Honestly, I think it was a big factor in my decision to NOT have kids.
These human brains of ours only know what we've been exposed to, so they carry on with what we have been taught or have experienced. They just don't know any better.
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, Rose Clark and I are talking about how to maintain your boundaries AND those of your child! I found this conversation with Rose very impactful for a few reasons:
1) She taught me strategies I have never been exposed to. And I've been doing this for a while...
2) I didn't agree with some of the tactics she was proposing, and I openly questioned them. Her responses were genuine and brilliant, and totally won me over. (Isn't it great to have a logical conversation with another rational human once in a while?)
3) We had similar upbringings, and I always love to meet people who use what they have experienced to help others avoid those same experiences.
Here's a clip from the episode:
What ends up happening when we're raised in this reward and punishment paradigm I guess we call it, we start to lose our connection to our preferences. We start to lose our connection to what we like and what we dislike and our needs and all those things. Because those are the things that are getting us in trouble. We're following who we are, we're following these feelings that kind of push us towards doing things. And we learn that we have to get really good at knowing what our parents, our caregivers, our teachers like and dislike, right? What they prefer, what their preferences are. The thing is, our likes and dislikes, I learned this from Language of Listening, our likes and dislikes are what make up our identity.
And so when we're setting aside our preferences and setting aside our awareness and our connection to them, we're setting aside who we are. And then we start to base our identity on these other people. And then we become adults and we don't know where our boundaries are. So we can either pick up and have the exact same boundaries as the people that raised us, but some of us are finding we don't like those boundaries or the way that they were held. And so we're left with what? We don't know what.
How to find Rose:
Love the Way You Parent on FB and IG
lovethewayyouparent.com
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The number one reason parents register their kids for either the group program here at Starfish Social Club or my 1/1 support is because they recognize their child doesn't have friends. This can be a very emotional and pivotal point for parents.
But you know what event may be even more important? When kids recognize this for themselves. When our kids first start to realize they don't have anyone to play with. Or that other kids avoid them. Or that no one ever asks for their number or invites them places.
This time in the lives of our kids is important for two reasons: It means our kiddos are developing their senses of self- and social awareness, and it also means they are more likely to be open and receptive to strategies and solutions.
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm sharing my strategies and suggestions for what to do when your kid doesn't have friends. More specifically, those moments when they start to recognize that this is the case.
Here's a clip from the episode:
Usually this is triggered by an incident. And even if we think about us in our lives, usually behavior change is triggered by an incident. There's usually not just a time where we're sitting on the couch and just decide we're going to start doing something differently.
For our kiddos when it comes to relationships, it could be triggered by recognizing that they weren't invited to something. It could be triggered by doing what they feel like will help them make friends, and recognizing that it's making things worse. It could be triggered by just an awkward social encounter where they realize they're really struggling with relating to other kids or other teenagers. Usually, there's something that happens. Sometimes it's our kids getting in trouble for something they've said or done. It's usually triggered by something that has happened, that has caused them to really recognize that they're struggling socially.
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One of the things I really enjoy about being an adult is being able to figure out what I need to be happy and functional. It has taken me a while to be honest, but I'm grateful to have the autonomy to know what I need and be able to integrate the things I need into my life.
Our kids often don't have enough life experience to be able to tell us what they need to be more happy and functional, but we can start to figure things out just by observing what they are already doing!
In this week's podcast/YouTube episode, I'm talking with DJ Nicholson about strategies that help empower our kids, including things they may already be showing us they need without even knowing it.
Here's a clip from the episode:
One of the things that you said, they see other kids doing the right thing, or they know that they're not doing the same thing that everyone else is doing. Ideally, I would love to see an educational system where we don't expect all kids to do exactly the same thing at the same time in the same way. So one of the things that I like to suggest, both to teachers and to parents, when they're... when they're kind of sitting around that IEP table is to... is to understand that not every child is going to do well sitting in the blue plastic chair.
And so whether it's blue, or black or brown, in schools we all know what that is, that standard classroom chair, that it's okay if you have someone that stands up or sits on the floor, and that we give all kids opportunities to be in the classroom in spaces that help them be their very best self, help them be independent and help them stay regulated and centered. That when we give kids options for flexible places to be, and we can normalize that to me is a game changer.
Where to find DJ:
Website: www.inclusiveology.com
Facebook page: www.facebook.com/inclusiveology
Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dj-nicholson/
Instagram: www.instagram.com/inclusiveology
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