Afleveringen
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Episode 22. In this late-election special, we dive into the murky waters of Clacton to find out if something dangerous is lurking. We explore the history of England’s favourite patron saint, St George. Can you even write dragon-slayer on your visa application? There are more ludicrous royal honours and a potential knighthood for Johnson’s dog, Dylan. I end up in hot water for playing jazz in a blues bar as experts on the GB News website warn about the perils of holidaying in Spain. Spoiler: it doesn’t involve sunburn or sangría. And finally, more antics from X, the platform formerly known as Twitter. WARNING! This podcast may contain nudity, foul language, and some truly dreadful guitar playing. Honestly, you'd probably be better off listening to something else.
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Episode 21. This special edition celebrates the spirit of HS2 cancel-culture as we salute the British green-washed, Prime Minister Rishi Sunak. I suggest alternative uses for the Bibby Stockholm ‘stop-the-boats’ prison barge. Baroness Barbie tells us about her first day in the House of Lords and I come face-to-face with the perils of The Telegraph dating App. We ask why piranha-like fish are attacking tourists around Benidorm's beaches. We also discuss a few posts on X, the pointlessly renamed Twitter. Finally, why not stick around ‘until the end and take my 15-point challenge to find out if you have been infected by the woke mind virus. WARNING! Despite its superficial nature, this podcast may include some adult themes. Listener discretion is advised.
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Zijn er afleveringen die ontbreken?
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Episode 20. In this edition, we dive deeper into the world of artificial intelligence and those who seek to flood social media with AI-generated content for ad revenue and ebook sales. We find out what happens when your virtual girlfriend decides to dump you. We use a pirate treasure map to locate a Brexit benefit and drop in at the Tory Party election Death Star for a dose of anger-management therapy. In addition, we meet GB News’ democracy expert, Lady V - who wants all protesters locked up. Oooh hold my beer! And finally, get ready for a showdown with a banking app as we learn why the 2001 Space Odyssey 'pod bay doors' wouldn't open. WARNING! This podcast deals with adult themes, so hide your kids and wives!
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Episode 19. In this uproarious edition, we salute the humble root vegetable at the heart of the Tory British Empire. There are Chinese spy balloons popping up all over the place, and we ask if the presenters of GB News are suffering from Long Johnson. There is a shaggy-dog story as we drop in on another guitar lesson from Venus. We also dive into all the naughty bits from Prince Harry’s book, Spare, with a little help from Mike Britton. And last but not least, remembering the legendary Acker Bilk.
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In Episode 18: We discuss why it could be a bad idea to ask Melania Trump to decorate your tree and ask - should football be banned at Christmas? Also, why does tofu taste so nasty when ‘Lefty Guardian readers’ are supposed to love it? And what does ‘woke’ actually mean? We feature the new Die Hard Christmas movie, Winter of Discontent, starring Sushi Fishsnack as a hard-bitten UK prime minister. Can he prevail over the nurses, train drivers, and post-office strikers who want to blow up the economy or is it all an ERG / Putin plot? Finally, Mike Britton on protecting your home from pesky carol singers. All this, plus Suela Braverman’s tips for refugees who want to keep warm this winter: move to Rwanda.
WARNING: The Takeout podcast is the ‘woke mind-virus’ of satirical comedy and does contain some adult content.
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In Episode 17, it’s time to load up those cost-of-living pitchforks and light the ‘angry mob’ torches as we head down to Westminster to demand more money for MPs and tax cuts for the rich. We discuss what was found in the FBI raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago estate, and ask if Liz Truss really is Lady Penelope's marionette puppet from Thunderbirds. Will she even be capable of replacing our magnificent sex-god prime minister? Pamela from Eltham thinks not! We return to the Tory Party Death Star to learn how a proper Evil Empire would deal with pesky refugees. There will be Mumsnet ice cream recipes for cats, guitar lessons from Venus, and we meet some of the girl bots of Twitter. Finally, remembering Ronnie Scott.
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In Episode 16, I feature a clash between Jack Monroe, author of Cooking on a Bootstrap, and a right-wing troll. I explore the attention deficit caused by swiping video shorts on TikTok, Instagram and YouTube. It turns into a bit of a rant (sorry). There is an update on the story about the bear that broke into an Italian bakery. This time he’s causing mayhem on a train. We try to interview the porn actor fired for watching politics on his phone whilst on the job and ask the question: Which tractors are the sexiest, and can you be arrested for interfering with them? There will be more beer and curry-fuelled shenanigans from the podcast that is the Fukushima fried fish of satirical comedy.
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In Episode 15 we meet the captain of the Brexit & Orient Pirate Ship, Spirit of Britain (now registered in Cypress). We visit an Italian bakery as Carrito, a rare wild bear, goes full ‘tonto’ and scoffs all the biscuits. We also try to save a big dog called Boris after it eats a pair of the British prime minister’s socks in an Italian castle. Finally, Mike Britton, jazz-guitar twanger to the stars, explains why he had to give his award back and shares a few tips on keeping warm during the fuel crisis. I hope you can find the time to join me in this face-slapping, Kinder-Egg Surprise of a Takeout.
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Episode 14: This edition drops in on the British Prime Minister as he fields a call from the Queen mid-Downing Street party. Brenda from Bristol adds her voice to the political maelstrom and we hear from a Cov-idiot on a train. I chat about the Winter of Discontent then join the British Foreign Secretary as she jets off to Ozz in search of Brexit benefits for farmers. I take the Spanish test for drivers nearing their sell-by date and as a result, visit the doctor. We finish off with an uplifting contribution from Mike Britton. There will be parrot jokes, jazz twangers, and a parade of sequinned elephants.
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Warning! This podcast includes some adult content. Welcome to Episode 13. Are you ready to party? Then join Dick Dastardly Johnson and the leader of the Ant Hill gang as they argue over wine and cheesy nibbles at the annual lockdown Prime Minister’s quiz. I reveal if Joe Biden really is the Tinsel-Torcher of Mid-Town Manhattan who set fire to the Fox News Christmas tree. We also discover Hank Marvin’s favourite guitarist. Can you guess who it is yet? So get ready to be entertained by our very own Secret Santa whilst he breaks the lockdown in this One-Rule-For-Us, One-Yule-For-Them, Christmas 2021 Podcast.
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Episode 12 has a watery green theme (well more a shade of brown really). It includes Greta Thunberg singing outside of the COP26 Climate Change Conference; the Royal Family sharing their tips on fighting global warming, and a challenge to British MPs to swim in the water near Bristol. We also ask the question: Where does British salt come from and is it safe to eat snack foods that list it as a non-EU ingredient? Finally, my great friend Mike Britton responds to a freedom of information request for details about how musicians are treated on cruises. We learn about the antics of Captain No-Port McNaught and listen to British Prime Minister Johnson telling world leaders at the climate summit that Britain is not even remotely corrupt. Great! Glad we were able to sort that out for you.
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Episode 11 asks: Does the word ‘Foreign’ in Foreign Office stand for the department of overseas holidays? We catch up with an ex-minister in charge as he tries to repatriate a painting of Her Majesty the Queen from the British Embassy in Kabul and also some dogs. We drop in on President Biden in the White House as he fields a difficult call from the British prime minister. I chat about the morality of the cruise industry and answer the big question: What time is the midnight buffet?
Sadly, the B-word does get mentioned throughout as I summarise where the UK is, in getting Brexit done. Why is it that everywhere in the world is reporting British fuel and food shortages as being a consequence of Brexit, except in the country where they are happening, where the blame is on the pandemic... Finally, we join a ministry HGV inspector as the world’s worst driver takes his heavy goods vehicle test. Will he pass? Should he be allowed on the roads at all? Why don’t you judge for yourself?
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A 4-minute trailer for Episode 10 - You Only Lie Twice featuring: 'Matt Hancock being fed to Johnson's Piranhas', 'A Plastic Cow', 'Global Britain in Space', and 'Pink Floyd called my Grandma'. All this along with some jazzy guitar playing from - well - just me really. Marvellous.
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Episode 10. In this edition, we explore what would happen if British Prime Minister Johnson were to play the role of James Bond's nemesis, supervillain Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Would he feed his political allies to the piranhas? I share further insight from Twitter on Nigel Farage's new career and we find out who NASA would call if Houston were to experience a problem with a British component on a Mars mission. We explore whether or not it is wrong for vegetarian guitarists to play at a steak bar and what the blue-hatted mistress of mischief thought about my playing.
Finally, I reveal what happened when Pink Floyd's production manager called my grandmother. Oh dear, this one is going to be a shocker! Join me and our billionaires in space as we romp through this one-rule-for-us-and-a-different-rule-for-you edition of The Al Morton Takeout...
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Episode 9. This episode is brought to you live from the decks of The Black Pearl, where Captain Balboa instructs Liz Truss on the British Ministerial Pirate Code. We pay a visit to the Downing St Media Centre and drop in on the recording of a Nasty Party political broadcast. I pay tribute to the passing of HRH the Duke of Edinburgh and Les McKeown of The Bay City Rollers. I tell the story of how I met their greatest fan whilst playing an extract from a Rollers classic on the Spanish guitar.
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Episode 8. In this explosive edition, we discover which bully is the greater, Megan or Priti. We share top decorating tips from no.10 for under 200,000. We ask if Mr Potato Head deserves a knighthood more than Nigel Farage and place a call to the COVID hotline. Finally, I reveal what happens when you cancel the musicians for your bingo night.
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Episode 7 is brought to you live from the bridge of the Tory Party Death Star. Lord Vader makes plans for the devolved regions and Priti Patel gives a fulsome apology for not bullying. We learn about Aardvark husbandry in Spain and the age limit to avoid choking on seedless grapes at New Year. Finally, CatWorld goes global with record sales of my thriller, Permissive Ink.
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An updated trailer for my thriller, Permissive Ink. The Spanish guitar music is Joaquin Malats' 'Serenata Española' and the 'Unlucky Lottery Vendor' theme from Episode 8 was played by myself. There is also an extract from Mike Britton's BBC archive of him playing his arrangement of 'French Mistake' featuring the vocal talents of Angela Christian. Check them out and maybe download a Kindle version of Permissive Ink
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Episode 6. In this edition, I ask if the UK is voting to become a 'rogue state' and reveal the blue-sky thinking behind the government's plan to deter immigrants arriving in small boats. I chat with Miley Cyrus' alter ego about veganism and get myself disqualified from a paella competition. Finally, Mike Britton and I play a bagpipes duet at a Vicar's tea party.
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Episodes 1 to 5. (updated) I have been busy finding an agent for my book this month. If you are a writer, you already know there could be tears. My blue Brexitty passport arrives, and I pay tribute to guitarist Julian Bream. I question why MPs would rather clap NHS nurses than pay them properly. I also ask why the BBC needs to chase over 75s for their licence fee. Finally, stag trouble at Alicante airport.
