Afleveringen
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Drew gives an update on his medical health and it leads to a discussion about parenting. He is worried about turning into his parents while he is preparing to become a parent himself. Doug explains how we can have traits of a personality type like narcissism or borderline without it being a diagnosable personality disorder. Drew is worried about finding a balance between focusing on himself without being too selfish and focusing on his baby without giving up himself. Kenzie and Doug break down the psychological concept of being a âgood enoughâ parent and how we can course correct along the way.
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Doug helps Sarah stay in the moment and allow emotions to come up. She acknowledges being more comfortable in constant motion and hypervigilance mode when she is more focused on âdoingâ rather than âfeeling.â We hear a pivotal moment in her therapy when Sarah reads a poem she wrote as a eulogy for the motto âKeep Calm, Sarah Will Handle It.â It is an emotional goodbye and homage to her old self that embodied the motto she literally wore on a t-shirt that her siblings made for her. Sarah can envision a path ahead as a new version of herself that doesnât try to handle everything for everyone all the time. As she says, sheâll âKeep calm, then move out of the way.â
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Zijn er afleveringen die ontbreken?
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Drew digs deeper into his core thought that his self-worth depends on how good of a provider he is to his family. Doug helps Drew explore taking care of himself in a healthy way rather than working so hard to provide that he keeps spinning plates until he gets overloaded and shuts down. Doug reframes the see-saw concept of a work-life balance to it all being under the umbrella of life with a balance of work, rest, and play. Drew draws the link to how the current imbalance is affecting his relationship and intimacy in his life right now. Kenzie breaks down how your individual dreams donât have to die just because youâre in a relationship.
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Sarah is interacting with the world around her slightly differently. Doug invites her to experiment with what itâs like to be the observer, especially when interacting with her siblings. Sarah is shifting from the person that tries to fix or correct everyone to the person that can just notice something happening without taking it personally. She realizes that sometimes the most powerful thing she can say is nothing. Kenzie and Doug break down the current progress and process of re-wiring Sarahâs brain without making it overtly clinical.
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Drew sees progression and growth in his relationship with a friend, but doesnât see it with his parents. Drew has an epiphany about his relationship with them that he names âconditional love,â as he is more aware of how he people-pleases in order to feel love from them. Doug helps Drew slow down and process his thoughts and feelings about the evolving relationship with his parents. Drew acknowledges feeling embarrassed, frustrated, and disappointed in who they are now, especially as it might reflect on how people see him. Doug validates his feelings and reflects it back to him before helping Drew reframe it. By radically accepting his mom as she is, he can see that she might be showing him love the way she is capable, rather than the way his love language usually recognizes it.
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Doug and Sarah reflect on how growing up in a cult stripped her of agency and individuality in her own life. She is reclaiming her individuality and feeling strength in her sense of self now. Doug and Sarah make the link from this to the issue she has with control. Sarah walks through a specific example when one of her sisters was driving her car. Sarah processes the anxiety and feelings around letting go of control and spoke up for something selfishly â meaning she was taking care of herself. Doug and Kenzie break down how we can process anxiety when it hits for all of us by staying mindful and present focused instead of going back into our past or future tripping. And they actually go over a couple of tools that we can all take with us.
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Jennifer Lawrence on Hot Ones â What do you mean?
Relax, Nothingâs Under Control â T-Shirt
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Drew has a birthday coming up and a few doctorsâ appointments on the horizon. He is able to organize his thoughts and come up with a plan both for addressing his medical health and for celebrating his birthday. Doug helps Drew acknowledge that he is not responsible for his parentsâ response to him and his boundaries. Drew is adulting! Doug and Kenzie are feeling it â literally â as an earthquake hits during recording. Dougâs Group Therapy Practice YMB Webpage Join Us on Social Media:
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Sarah acknowledges being in a constant battle with herself because of how she wants to hear feedback from others for things she has done. She has a hard time accepting praise; and, she doesnât mind constructive criticism if it helps her grow. Doug helps her make sense of getting comfortable without having feedback be the validation. Doug and Kenzie break down external versus internal validation and the drive to be perfect versus doing your personal best. They discuss what it is to be good enough and how âmeets expectationsâ isnât a negative thing. Striving for perfection is about doing your best, which can be âgood enoughâ if we allow it to be. However, many of us feel that weâre not doing enough unless something is done perfectly, especially when thereâs a historical experience of criticism and an internal voice in our head constantly criticizing us. What does doing your personal best mean to you? Can that be good enough or does it need to be perfect? Dougâs Group Therapy Practice YMB Webpage Join us on Social Media:
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Mentioned in the Episode: Link to Rapperâs Delight from âHappy Feetâ Link to âSpinal Tapâ These Go to 11 -
Drew is feeling independence and individuation from parents, especially when he signs a lease on a new place without using them as the guarantor. He had a breakaway moment after mom didnât show up the way he wanted her to on a phone call. He felt solitude and the âsolid-tudeâ of relying on himself not on his parents and the anxious-attachment style that often lets him down. Drew is experiencing what itâs like to choose himself and put his needs first ahead of everyone else, instead of his old pattern of putting his needs last. Doug helps him understand what it means to show up for someone the way they want, rather than the way he wants them to show up for him. Itâs not about mind reading - itâs about communicating what would be supportive to you and asking someone what feels supportive to them.
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Sarah is going through all the emotions with her teenager and the situation he got into at school this week. While she continues to practice using natural consequences to parent her kids, she is also allowing herself to have her own emotional experience. Sarah is re-parenting herself by letting her kids to come to her and giving them the space to feel their feelings and sit with it (something she didnât have growing up). She acknowledges the challenges of not acting on her instant reaction in these parenting situations, especially when interacting with her ex-husband. Sarah is able to stop and process before just going to her default protective mode to either fix the triggering event right away or bear the brunt of the consequences herself to shield her children (like she did for her siblings growing up in a cult). Sarah is healing her inner child!
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Doug helps Drew focus on himself, not just the baby on the way. Drew admits that he isnât feeling joy in things the way heâs used to feeling it and that itâs taking him out of the present. Drew realizes that heâs looking for the joy instead of being in the moment and letting the joy find him. This leads Drew to acknowledge the existential anxiety that heâs also been feeling. Doug and Kenzie discuss anhedonia and sitting with clients when they are experiencing this feeling. They also talk about what happens when we may have missed something in a session as a therapist or feeling like our therapist missed something as a client. Have we missed something else, let us know⊠or if youâve missed something, check out the podcast archives and listen to Drew and Sarah from day one of their journey in therapy!
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Doug helps Sarah move forward along a path toward her emotions. They discuss her learned pattern of being dismissive of herself and her feelings. The pursuit of data and facts that turns Sarah into the âjustice warriorâ is a defense mechanism to not feel the feelings. Doug uses an analogy with Spock and Kirk to highlight a spectrum of being logically driven versus being emotionally driven. Sarah connects this to how she can sound like a robot sometimes while suppressing and invalidating her own feelings. Doug invites Sarah to give herself permission to bring out her inner Captain Kirk so she can practice allowing her emotions to come up and out.
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Drew is feeling like an adult and living in the world. He acknowledges feeling strength where he used to feel weakness in asking for help. Heâs getting support in his life by virtue of actually asking for help from others rather than doing everything on his own. Doug and Drew talk about the subtle differences between being an individual and being independent. Doug and Kenzie discuss the therapeutic relationship as a secure attachment. With this secure base to jump off from, Doug is able to challenge Drew, and Drew is able to explore his independence.
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Sarah is experiencing the difference between being of value at work and being the singular essential piece that also carries with it all the responsibility and pressure. She notices how sheâs starting to relax a bit and soften her edges when she isnât in complete control. Doug helps Sarah acknowledge how the control issue arose to protect herself as a child growing up in a cult, but it isnât serving her well now in her adult life. Doug invites her to come out of the protective shell to feel her own emotional experience rather than stay âsafeâ inside and keep her feelings internalized. Kenzie presses Doug to break down the abundant use of analogy and personal stories in session rather than stay in Sarahâs own personal experiences and emotions. They find that the analogies, especially the airplane one, really do land for Sarah⊠do they land for you too?
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Doug and Kenzie talk about connecting to your inner child. Then in the session, Drew is adulting and creating distance from his parents while preparing to be a father himself. Doug digs deeper with Drew in the session to get to the emotions underneath all the progress we see and hear on the outside. Doug explains an analogy of photographs to show how we often perceive (and misperceive) people. There are polaroid snapshots from one instance in time and there are âHarry Potterâ pictures that constantly move and change - but neither is a true moving picture of our actual life now. The images someone has in mind of us donât necessarily line up with how we really are now. We want people to see us and know us for who we are, but we are constantly changing. This gets murky when we put up walls and present false pictures to people, especially family members.
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Sarah keeps learning and exploring in therapy â and her family is noticing the change in her and the progress sheâs made as a result. Doug explains how and why he uses stories and analogies so often in sessions. Itâs an effective way to make a concept less clinical and more relatable and memorable for clients. He names a sensation for Sarah, âThe Scooby-Doo Effect,â when the cartoon bodies get scared out of their skins then later join back together. This helps highlight the concept of how Sarah is now catching up with herself after being in a heightened cortisol state of fight or flight to get through an event or experience. From this place, Sarah can take stock of what she just went through and process it.
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Drewâs adulting! He is practicing parenting himself, in preparation for his baby on the way. Drew acknowledges feeling anxious about how his parents will react to the pregnancy news he has yet to share with them. Doug challenges Drew to stay focused on himself and bring his emotions out to alleviate the anticipatory anxiety. Doug and Kenzie look at what it means to âDouble down, don't shut down." We can hear Drew name and feel the feelings in the session and release some of the judgement heâs been holding inside. As he says, âBeing able to say it out loud helps me not avoid it.â
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Sarah follows up on last sessionâs âwow momentâ about using the concept of natural consequences rather than being judge and jury when giving a punishment. Sarah is re-parenting herself while effectively parenting her kids. People around Sarah are starting to notice a difference in her as a result of her processing in therapy and making previously unconscious habits and patterns more conscious. Doug helps Sarah uncover a moment in her past when her emotional expression was literally shut down by being told that âNo one cares.â Weâll see if Sarah can give herself permission to go back to a time in her life when it was safe to express herself before she learned to shut it down.
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Itâs the return of Drew to the podcast! We check in with his health, and the stress heâs feeling as a 26 year old adult with a baby on the way. Doug challenges Drew with tough love to see his pattern of trying to avoid present issues. Drew says he keeps everything up in the air where he doesnât have to catch it and face it. He is able to take his head out of the sand and look between the immediate financial pressures and the larger picture of existential anxiety. Drew sees, and feels, what heâs really avoiding - his emotional experience in the here and now. He is able to go there in session with Doug, and express feeling like he wants to cry, laugh, and punch a wall.
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Doug introduces the concept of natural consequences to Sarah as opposed to being judge and jury as a parent, even if the punishment fits the crime. Sarah acknowledges that she is not failing as a parent; rather, she is growing as a parent. She points out that her growth is carrying over to other aspects of her life. Sarah calls Doug âthe Sarah whisperer,â and Doug turns this around and reminds her that she is the one whispering to herself and growing. She is, in effect, actively re-parenting herself â and we hear it happening in this session. In the breakdown, Doug and Kenzie talk about how to know which direction to take a client during a session, especially when there are moments with multiple possibilities to process. Therapy is like a âChoose Your Own Adventureâ book â if only real life let us peek ahead at the options before choosing!
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Mentioned in this Episode:
Choose Your Own Adventure books: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Choose_Your_Own_Adventure https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2022/09/19/the-enduring-allure-of-choose-your-own-adventure-books - Laat meer zien