Afgespeeld
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When we were kids we played cops and robbers. More kids wanted to be cops than robbers but today, I doubt anyone wants to be a cop. Paperwork and constant scrutiny has ruined the profession. We send them into the shittiest part of the city and then get made when they don’t act like aristocrats. It’s made today’s cops suicidal but it’s also made sure tomorrow’s cops are just pussies and nerds. We also attack the mail bag.
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Before tearing into the male bag, we discuss how gay I am for men (outside of the sexual connotations, obviously). Men are portrayed as sexist dirtbags who see women as human garbage but then you meet us and we’re basically sweeties. This leads to a discussion on boxing, the Proud Boys, hate crimes, gay bashing, apprenticeships, and of course making new guy friends.
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In this episode we question everything. Why tits? Why not? Was Gary Coleman killed by his ex-wife Shannon Price? Was Elliot Smith killed by his girlfriend Jennifer Chiba? After all the murder talk, we cleanse the palette with a foray into the UK show Undateables which features mentally handicapped singles trying to navigate the dating scene. We are particularly infatuated with Daniel and his hit album “The Songs of Gigs.” It’s Daniel Johnston meets Jonathan Richman meets that indie UK band "Art Brut".
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This one’s a mini podcast where we announce that we fixed the glitches in the previous podcast (the tits one). We can’t announce this on social media because I’ve been banned from every platform there is. This leaves us no choice but to make announcements here - as separate podcasts. Anyway, it’s fixed. I miss you. Bye.
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So, some shithole country calling itself Brunei has decided gays need to be stuffed in a hole and beaten with large rocks until they die but what is “gay”? This prompts a lot of name-dropping as well as a discussion about jail, the SPLC, Jussie Smollet, trauma strains, Tina Tchen, black comedy, Kim Foxx, Costa Rica, and Sarah Silverman’s racist past.
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Before getting to our turgid mail bag (which is positively bursting at the seams) I want to take a moment to look closely at the imminent demise of the SPLC. My complaint is the reason that organization is falling apart. After going through it, they entire staff realized they were being led by the blind and promptly began firing everyone or forcing them to leave. Founder Morris Dees is out. President Richard Cohen is out. Head of legal Rhonda Brownstein is out. Uh, you’re welcome.
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In this extra special episode we go over ex NYT executive editor Jill Abramson’s terrible book, “Merchants of Truth: The Business of News and the Fight for Facts.” I only read the parts that were about Vice when I was there and I counted TWENTY, yes TWENTY major factual errors. Since completing the book, Abramson has gone on to do lots of press for it that includes defending the multiple examples of plagiarism and telling many more lies like the allegation Proud Boys are “white nationalist” and I was recently arrested for brawling alongside them.
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1- BE CHEAP: Don’t go out with tons of people for a huge dinner. 2- TAKE ABUSE: You’re not going to make money for the first two years of doing a thing. Get over it. 3- BE FUNN: When courting a lady, focus on having a good time, not getting laid. 4- WEAR CLASSICS: If you’re not into fashion, stick to classics like Chuck Taylors. 5- DON’T FIGHT: If you need to get into a fight, keep it as short as possible. 6- DON’T EAT: Food is for pussies. 7- PARTY RIGHT: Follow the D.O.W.N.E.R. rules. 8- CLEAN YOUR ROOM: The road to improvement starts small. 9- QUIT PORN: Get off the couch. 10- FAMILY FIRST: Make good with your parents and siblings.
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The Netflix series “After Life” is incredibly well written but I don’t think Gervais realizes how sad he makes childlessness and atheism look. Like Ricky, the protagonist has bucked tradition until nothing’s left but your wife and that means, once she’s gone, there’s nothing left. Kids, please learn from the lessons Ricky accidentally taught us: get married, make babies, and believe in God.
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After a lot of heavy politics, we decided to make this episode super funny and comedy oriented. The problem is, simply focussing on funny topics does not a funny podcast make. This ep is less amusing than any of the political ones which may be proof I’m just losing my sense of humor. This episode could be the first of a sad decline in my career as a professional amuser.
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Today's podcast mostly revolves around how shitty stylists and wardrobe people in movies ruin everything. It ruined a great AC/DC song. It could've ruined Jaws. We move onto a Vice video of black conservatives and liberals talking to each other. The word retard is bad, right? Why can't people be ideologically opposed and still get along? PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUICK SURVEY!
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Told ya so. Have we reached peak Clown World yet? We have rich black people who grew up white such as Cory Booker and Kamala Harris using a hate crime hoax to push through an anti-lynching bill. Is anyone pro-lynching? Isn’t it already illegal? At this point, we’ve gone so far, you just have to sit back and laugh.
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After discussing how lame your ideas are when you’re asleep, we get into a hodge podge of topics including all these miserable comedians who tell us how to live our lives. Dude, you just had a nervous breakdown and your buddy tried to kill himself. Stop telling us how to live our lives. We also look at the death of comedy in general, Justin Trudeau’s prostitution scandal, Alex Jones on Joe Rogan, and a bunch of letters we’ve gotten recently in a new segment called “Scrotum” (mail bag).
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This one’s all about my vacation where I hung out with some of the fattest people in the entire world. Yikes! America we have a serious obesity epidemic and it appears to be getting worse. Why are you on a Rascal at Disney World? Because walking makes you tired? Yeah, that’s the point. Walking isn’t your enemy, the Rascal is.
Anyway, I took the family to Mets Spring Training in Port St. Lucie as well as Magic Kingdom, Animal Kingdom, Universal Studios, Volcano Bay, and Island of Adventure in Orlando. It was pretty fun but I think being a New Yorker may have ruined my personality forever. -
My life is far from perfect. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. This podcast is more a, “Do as I say not as I do” kind of thing. This extra-long ep tells you how to do everything right from birth, childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, marriage, parenthood, and retirement. Short version: try to make your life the 1980s.
PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUICK SURVEY!https://survey.libsyn.com/getoffmylawnpod
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Today we get into the overkill FBI raid of Roger's home, the suspiciously convenient timing of CNN's reporter who staked out Roger's home due to his "instinct" and an hour later got the footage. SNL had Steve Martin portraying Roger, and it stunk. We also talk stories for kids, pirates, Anthony Cumia becoming one of NYC's "crazy people" and more.
PLEASE ANSWER THIS QUICK SURVEY!https://survey.libsyn.com/getoffmylawnpod
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