Afleveringen
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Are you unknowingly sending your teen the message that their best isnât good enough?
Why focusing on the positive is more effective than focusing on the negative;How âpointing positiveâ can guide teens toward what they want to achieve;How our attention as parents influences our teenâs motivation to change;Simple shifts in word choice to emphasize progress and reinforce growth;Why sustainable change often happens in smaller, gradual steps over time;And more!
In this episode, we dig into a concept called "pointing positive," a term from river kayaking that can make a big difference in parenting teens through tough times. When we guide our kids toward what they want to achieve, instead of focusing on what they need to fix, we can help them feel more motivated and confident in their journey.
Think about it: if your teen has worked hard to bring their grades up from Dâs and Fâs to consistent Câs, itâs tempting to ask, âWhy arenât you getting Bâs or Aâs?â But focusing on whatâs still lacking can undermine their progress, even when we mean well. By âpointing positiveâ and acknowledging their small steps forward, we show them that we see and value their growth, making it easier for them to keep pushing forward.
âIf you are honoring the change that has been made, that encourages more changeâ - Beth Hillman
Seth and I discuss how, as parents, our attention impacts our kidsâ motivation. Itâs about shifting focus to whatâs working, not ignoring reality, but being more mindful. When we highlight the positive changes, no matter how small, weâre reinforcing their resilience and progress.
And remember, change takes time and practice, for both us parents and our struggling teens. Hereâs to guiding them forward, one positive step at a time.
In this episode on influencing your teen toward positive change, we discuss:
Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Ever found yourself reacting strongly to something, even when it seems like âno big dealâ? Or maybe, in a tense moment, you freeze or shut down instead of reacting?
Why our bodies sometimes react before our minds even have a chance;How trauma can make it hard to know whatâs truly safe or dangerous;What over- and under-responses look like as a parent of a struggling teen in treatment or recovery;How to bring self-compassion to the way we show up, even if itâs not perfect;Different therapeutic approaches, including tips for finding the right fit for you or your family;And much more!
If youâre a parent of a struggling teen, be it addiction, mental health struggles, suicidal ideation or a different struggle, youâve probably felt your own heart skip a beat more times than you can count.
Today, I talk with trauma therapist Sarah Allen about why we sometimes overreact (or shut down) in response to certain triggers and how it all comes down to our bodies trying to protect us.
Sarah breaks down the idea that trauma doesnât just live in the mind - it lives in the body. Even when our heads know âthings are okay,â our nervous systems might still be on high alert, especially if weâve been through overwhelming experiences with our kids in the past. Itâs that part of us that steps in to make sure we donât go through that kind of pain again. But sometimes, this automatic response can show up as a jolt of panic, a wave of anger, or even a complete shutdown.
As parents, weâre human too. And with the right tools and support, we can navigate our own responses, even when this journey with our kids takes us through some incredibly challenging terrain.
In this episode on understanding trauma responses in parents of struggling teens, we explore:
Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Zijn er afleveringen die ontbreken?
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Fear has a sneaky way of impacting our brains, pushing us toward avoiding what feels uncomfortable instead of working through it. For many of us, fear makes us want to avoid the situation, but doing that keeps us from working through what needs to be done.
What fear does to us as parents and how to recognize its impact;The kinds of fear our teens might experience, especially coming out of treatment;What helps parents and teens work through their fears?;Practical strategies for parents to manage their own fears while supporting their teens;How understanding love languages can help us better understand our struggling teens;And much more
Itâs important to understand that fear is an emotion that comes and goes, just like other emotions. But what does fear bring up in us as parents, and in our struggling teens? Thinking back to the time before our son went to wilderness, I remember thinking âThereâs nothing to be done. Weâve lost him.â My brain was giving up on him out of fear.
âI think fear basically stalls people outâ - Beth Hillman
So how can you face fear? How can you bring it with you, allowing it to take place in the passengerâs seat instead of taking over the wheel? Weâre talking all about it in todayâs episode.
In this episode, we discuss:
Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Itâs easy to forget to prioritize ourselves as parents, especially when our children are struggling. In this episode, Seth and I dive into the emotional balancing act of parenting a teen in treatment while still finding time for self-care. Itâs common to feel guilty for taking care of yourself, especially when your child is away in treatment. Whether you feel guilty about telling your kid that you had a good day while theyâre in treatment, or it feels exhausting to you to always be 'on' as a solo parent, itâs crucial to make time for self-care.
The emotional guilt parents feel when taking care of themselves while their teen is in treatment;The importance of self-care for parents and how it affects your ability to support your child;How modeling self-care can project its importance to your child;Balancing self-care with parenting responsibilities;What does true self-care look like for parents?;The 3 main ways to fill you cup and practice self-care as a parent;And more!
âItâs one of the hardest asks, but itâs so important to be intentional about [self-care]â - Beth Hillman
But filling your own cup isnât just crucial for yourself, but also for your teen. The way you find balance and make time for self-care can be a great model for your child, even if they donât show appreciation right away.
If you've ever felt guilty for having a good day or wondered how to balance taking care of yourself while being there for your child, this episode is for you.
In this episode on self-care for parents, we discuss:
Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Your teen appears calm and composed with their therapist but displays anger or aggression at home, how frustrating!? It feels like you're dealing with two completely different versions of the same person.
Teens showing different behaviors at home vs. in therapy;The frustration parents feel when their child âworks the system.â;Actions as a more accurate reflection of what's really happening;Opening the conversation between your teen, their therapist, and you;Why your teen might feel the need to present themselves differently with their providers;And more!
In this episode, Seth and I explore the challenge of handling teens who have been through enough therapy to know exactly what to say to 'work the system.' While their providers see one side, you as a parent experience something entirely different. Weâll talk about how to navigate these mixed signals, how actions often speak louder than words, and how you can open up this conversation with your teen. Have a listen!
In this episode, we discuss:Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Balancing the need for rules with the desire for connection can be incredibly challenging when parenting teens. In this episode, therapist Trevor Allen and I dive into the complex dynamics of rules versus boundaries versus expectations and how to navigate them in a way that promotes healthy relationships.
We discuss the confusion that can arise when trying to balance control and support, particularly when parenting a struggling teen. Itâs not just about setting strict rules but more about understanding how to teach our kids how to treat us through our own actions and the boundaries we set. We want to influence without trying to control, allowing for growth while maintaining a healthy home environment.
One key takeaway from our conversation is that zero-tolerance policies can set kids up for failure, particularly when dealing with issues like addiction. So letâs explore other options in todayâs episode.
âIf I lived with anybody and ALL they could see are the things that are problematic that Iâm doing, I would have a really hard time being around that person. I think thatâs a relationship destroyerâ - Trevor Allen
If youâre wondering how to create a supportive yet structured environment for your child without taking their choices personally, this episode is for you.
In this episode on rules vs. boundaries vs. expectations, we discuss:
The differences between rules, boundaries, and expectations in parenting;How to influence your struggling teen without controlling them;Managing yourself and maintaining a healthy home environment;Supporting your teen despite poor decisions and bad behavior;The importance of focusing on what you do, not just what you say;Why controlling the situation by controlling your teen doesnât work;Being consistent with rules vs. being flexible to meet your teenâs needs;The impact of only seeing the negative and how to shift focus to positive progress;Why nuance and flexibility in rules can improve family dynamics.Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Whatâs it actually like for your teen to be in wilderness or other treatment?
As parents, we can never truly know. But todayâs guest, Ciara Fanlo, has been through it herself. According to her, the emotional stages our teens go through in treatment are very similar to the seven stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance & hope, and processing grief.
So what does that look like for your teen? In this episode, Ciara shares her thoughts and experiences going through each of these steps. Like when she was going through the âdenialâ phase and remembers thinking: âThereâs no way Iâll be staying here for 12 weeks. My mom loves me, when I write her thereâs no way sheâs going to let me stay that long.â
I cannot describe how valuable it is to actually hear the thoughts of someone whoâs been through it all themselves, as a teen. Tune in to hear Ciaraâs mindblowing insights.
In this episode, we discuss:
The emotional stages your teen or young adult will experience in treatment, similar to the 7 stages of grief;How shock affects both teens and parents when entering treatment;Why resistance and anger can be healthy steps in the process;Processing grief over lost time and emotional struggles.How to manage your own expectations as a parent through the ups and downsThe importance of letting your teen move through these stages at their own paceNeed support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.More about Ciara Fanlo
Ciara Fanlo is a former âtroubled teenâ who now supports struggling adolescents and their families. After recovering from her own challenging years, she founded Homing Instinct to share what she learned from her experiences. Ciara now provides personalized mentorship and coaching for teens as they navigate the transformative and tumultuous journey of becoming a young adult in todayâs world.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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We all know that feeling when something doesnât sit right, but we shrug it off, telling ourselves, âItâs not a big deal.â Yet, over time, those little moments of unspoken frustration build up, slowly shrinking our emotional bandwidth until we snap over the tiniest thing. Whether it's a parent feeling taken for granted or a struggling teen wondering why theyâre the only one doing all the hard work, resentment can do a lot of harm when left unchecked.
In this episode, Seth and I tackle the tricky topic of resentment, how it sneaks up on us as parents and what we can do about it before it takes over, as well as the resentment our struggling teens might feel, especially those who have been in treatment.
âA lot of my resentment comes from an unrealistic expectation that I have of somebody else that I have not yet expressed.â - Seth Gottlieb
The truth is, resentment often grows from unspoken expectations and emotions. I share my journey of being the passive parent until my resentment boiled over, and Seth explains why teens, too, feel resentful when theyâre the only ones expected to change or feel like theyâre the only ones putting in all the work.
In this episode on resentment between parents and teens, we discuss:
How resentment builds and why we often ignore it until itâs too late;The importance of being emotionally honest with ourselves and our loved ones;Why struggling teens may feel resentment towards us, especially those who have been in treatment;How resentment can be an indicator that youâre not staying true to your values as a parent;Strategies to prevent resentment by communicating expectations clearly and consistently;And much more!Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showRelated podcast episodes:
102. Why Your Teen Isnât Acting Like an Adult
66. How To Bring Up Backburner Issues With Tanya HaleAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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We are all wired to avoid uncomfortable feelings. We instinctively shy away from discomfort, parents and teens alike. Whether itâs solving a problem for our kids, distracting ourselves from uncomfortable feelings, or weâre trying to save the day, we often act to avoid the tension. But hereâs the hard truth: our teens need to experience that discomfort in order to grow. In this episode, Seth and I explore why learning to sit with emotional unease, both for ourselves and our teens or young adults, is key to developing resilience and problem-solving skills.
As parents, itâs all too easy to step in and ârescueâ our kids when theyâre struggling. But whereâs the line between helping and enabling? Is stepping in actually saving them from distress, or is it preventing them from learning how to handle their own emotions? I share a story from one of my clients about how a teenâs persistent pushback led the parent to second-guess their boundaries, ultimately giving in to avoid discomfort. Itâs a common trap, but real growth happens when we, as parents, can sit with that unease a little longer than our kids, helping them build the skills they need to handle lifeâs emotional challenges.
In this episode on learning to sit with discomfort, we explore:
How long can you tolerate emotional discomfort before feeling the need to act?;The fine line between helping and enabling your child;Why sitting with your own distress can help your child develop problem-solving skills;The importance of modeling emotional resilience for your kids;How to balance support and structure when parenting teens.Listen now to learn how to help your teen build emotional resilience and problem-solving skills by managing your own discomfort first!
Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Co-parenting is hard - thereâs no sugarcoating it. In an ideal world, both parents would align perfectly on every decision, from phone use to curfews to navigating friendships. But, as Seth and I explore in this episode, thatâs often not the case.
One of the biggest challenges I often see as a parent coach is when one parent holds firm boundaries while the other is more loose. It can feel like a tug-of-war, and the fear of "losing" your child to the more relaxed parent is real. But hereâs the thing: Iâve consistently found that when healthy boundaries are set (and consequences stuck to) with kindness, compassion, and understanding, your child, teen, or young adult will still enjoy being around you.
You donât have to undermine your co-parent to uphold your values, and you donât have to be afraid of the different influences your child is getting from the other parent. Letâs take a deeper look at all of this in todayâs episode!
In this episode on co-parenting challenges, we discuss:
Why you donât have to be afraid of âlosingâ your child to the other parent by setting more strict boundaries;How to uphold your value system without undermining the other parent;The damaging effects of speaking negatively about the other parent or dismissing their boundaries;The natural reaction of our brain to blame others and how to turn the reflection back on yourself;And much more!
"What do I do if my ex undermines my parenting?""How can I co-parent without putting my child in the middle?""Why does my ex always get to be the fun parent?""Am I losing my child to the other parent by setting strict boundaries?""Whatâs the best way to co-parent when we donât agree?""How can I co-parent without conflict?"
If you ever think to yourself:âŠthen this episode is for you! Letâs dive in!
Need support?đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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âAn adolescent brain, it is what it is for a reasonâ- Brittney King
The teenage years can feel like a rollercoaster. One moment your young teen is playing it cool, and the next, theyâre literally rolling on the ground pretending to be a dog. Sound familiar? In this weekâs episode, I sit down with Brittney King, a licensed counselor, mom of five, and creator of the Think Good Feel Good online courses, to dive into the world of teens, particularly those in Junior High, aged 11-15.
âItâs such a key time for parents ... to be a guiding force.â - Brittney King
Brittney has a unique insight into our teenâs brain development throughout these years and why this unpredictable phase is so crucial for their development, and for us as parents. Their unpredictability can feel frustrating for us as parents (Iâm not the only one who thinks sometimes âWHAT am I going to do with my teen?!â, right?) but understanding the teenage brain can help us be more tolerant of our kids as they explore, learn, and develop.
One thing Brittney has learned from being a counselor is that there is not one teenager out there whoâs not struggling with something. What surprised her the most was how much they want to talk to adults about their problems. They donât always show it and they certainly want some independence but that doesnât mean they donât need you to still be there and helping and supporting them through it.
âTeachers, coaches, therapists, they will come and go. But there is no substitute for caring and intentional parenting.â - Brittney King
Itâs not about being a perfect parent or trying to be their therapist (theyâll see right through you!). What they care about is you connecting with them. They care about whether youâre showing up for them and whether they truly believe that you are there for them unconditionally, even when they donât know how to ask for it.Letâs hear more invaluable wisdom from Brittney in todayâs episode.
In this episode on the brain development of teenagers, we cover:
Why unpredictability is actually part of teen brain development;The importance of being a guiding force;How to connect with your teen without trying to âfixâ them;The difference between helping and letting your teen solve their own problems;The importance of developing emotional intelligence for parents raising teens;What does it mean to be a safe person for your teen to open up to?;What teens are looking for in their parents;And more!Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can reach out to Brittney on her website brittneykingcoaching.com or send her an email at [email protected] 50% off the Think Good Feel Good online course bundle for parents and teens with promo code: bethcoachingResearch by Donald Winnicott: Good Enough ParentingBook by Ellen Galinsky: The B
Links & resources mentioned in this episode:Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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What if improving your relationship with your teen starts with changing yourself?
Are you willing to look at your own behavior to improve your relationship with your teen? If you know me at all, you know I truly believe the change begins with us. In this episode, Seth and I dive deeper into what that actually means for you as a parent.
Seth dropped quite the truth bomb in this episode: "None of us is perfect in how we relate to everybody." And isn't that the crux of it? We go into situations armed with a laundry list of demands and expectations for our teens or partners, but how often do we take a step back and ask ourselves if weâre holding up our end of the bargain?
Hereâs the thingâno one wants to change when they feel attacked. Think about it: How would you feel if your teen came at you with a list of your shortcomings? Youâd probably get defensive, right? Well, guess what? Your teen feels the same way.
âIf Iâm asking someone else to be honest, I better look in the mirror and just ask myself âHow honest am I being?ââ - Beth Hillman
Real change starts when weâre willing to look in the mirror and look at our own part first - a little self-reflection I challenge you to do as we explore these ideas in this weekâs episode. Letâs dive in.
In this episode on improving your relationship with your struggling teen through self-awareness, we discuss:
Self-Awareness in Parenting: Recognizing your own weaknesses and how they impact your relationships, especially with your struggling teen;The Importance of Mutual Respect: Understanding that in any relationship, there must be a balance of give and take;Avoiding an Authoritarian Approach: Realizing that setting rigid expectations and demands without self-reflection won't foster positive change in your teen;Owning Your Role: Accepting responsibility for your part in the relationship dynamic and being open to self-improvement;Effective Communication: Emphasizing the need to clearly communicate your needs to avoid resentment;And more!
Need support?đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Have you ever snapped at your partner or your teen over something small, not really sure why you overreacted? Or like no matter how much sleep you get or how many cups of coffee you drink, thereâs still a part of you that feels completely drained?
Oof, believe me, youâre not alone. In this episode, Seth and I dive deep into a topic that resonates with every parent: understanding our limits and how to recognize when weâre stretched too thin.
We often fill our days with obligations or even fun activities that keep us busy, but rarely do we pause to ask, âHow am I really doing emotionally, physically, mentally, relationally, and spiritually?â
âA lot of times when thereâs emotional stress in my life, Iâm giving out a ton of emotional energy, but I donât realize the physical toll itâs taking on me.â - Seth Gottlieb
Itâs a reality many of us parents face: We push ourselves beyond our physical and emotional limits without even noticing the signs our bodies are sending us.
Have you ever noticed how your energy automatically flows to your obligations? Work, your teen, ⊠you name it. But what happens when our personal cup is empty? Thatâs when we tend to overreact to minor inconveniences, not because of the small things themselves, but because we are simply exhausted. And itâs hard not to let this exhaustion seep into our family dynamics, leading to unhealthy interactions.
Seth and I break down how to become more self-aware and communicate your current emotional bandwidth to your partner and children. Donât get me wrong, this is not about always being positive or suppressing emotions. It's about recognizing what's really going on inside you and being honest about it. Because letâs be real: until weâre fully taking care of ourselves, we canât be fully present for others.
But self-awareness takes practice. It requires us to pause and check in with ourselves regularly. Are we really okay, or are we just telling ourselves we are? What activities genuinely fill our buckets, and which ones are simply distractions?
Letâs explore this more together in todayâs episode!
In this episode on becoming aware of our own limits as parents, we discuss:
Recognizing our own physical, emotional, mental, relational, and spiritual limits as parents;Understanding how our capacity can impact those around us;The cost for ourselves and our families of Ignoring our needs as parents;The connection between physical and emotional energy and how this impacts our behavior and family dynamics.Differentiating between enjoyable and restorative activities;Having empathy for the energy needs of others, especially our struggling teens;Learning to communicate our current emotional state and limitations to our family members;Building healthier interactions within the family by understanding and managing our own energy levels;How self-regulation and self-awareness are key to being the best parent we can be.Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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As parents, itâs natural to want to do everything we can to support our struggling teens or young adults. But where do we draw the line between encouraging them to grow and enabling them to remain dependent?
Itâs a delicate balance and Iâm joined again by therapist Trevor Allen to dive into one of the more challenging questions for any parent: How do we figure out what our teens are truly capable of?
How much should you be doing for your kids? Should you be doing something for them when they can do it themselves?
Itâs tempting to step in and help, especially when you see your teen struggling. But hereâs the catch: by doing too much, we might be taking away the very opportunities they need to learn, grow, and mature.
Because the truth is: growth happens in the struggle.
Itâs in those moments of challenge and difficulty that our teens build resilience and develop the skills theyâll need for life.
In this episode, we also explore the concept of self-efficacy, or the belief in oneâs ability to succeed.
âAs parents, we have to somehow be able to open up the possibility of them actually being successful, which does open up the possibility of them failing again. But we have to be willing to open up a certain amountâ - Beth Hillman
Itâs a tricky balance, but itâs essential for their growth.
If youâve ever found yourself wondering how much is too much when it comes to helping your teen, this episode is for you. Trevor and I unpack these complex questions and offer practical insights on how to support your teen in a way that empowers them to take charge of their own life.
In this episode on encouraging vs. enabling, we discuss:
How can you determine what your struggling teen or young adult is capable of in order to set appropriate expectations and boundaries based on their capabilities?;How to decide how much you can help your teen without enabling dependency;The growth that comes from struggle and the importance of allowing your teen to face challenges independently;Avoiding the mindset of âtheyâre not doing it, so they canât do it,â and recognizing when your actions cross the line from supportive to enabling;The importance of getting to know your child deeply to understand what they truly need, rather than focusing on getting them to do more or less;How you can help your teen without doing things entirely for them by taking baby steps out of enabling;Your role as a parent in helping your teen build the necessary skills to overcome their challenges without overwhelming them;The need for you to open up the possibility of your teen being successful, even if it means risking failure;The importance of self-efficacy and its role in your teenâs development.And remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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You want your teen to be sober, donât you? But arenât you focusing on the wrong goal by expecting your teen not to drink any alcohol or take any substances? And what does being sober actually mean? Does it mean the same thing to you as it does to your teen?
A multiple pathways approach versus a one-shoe-fits-all, abstinence policy;Focussing on the root cause versus the symptom of drinking or using drugs;Creating a safe space for your teen to confide in you;What does sobriety mean to you? And what does it mean to your teen?;Is sobriety a good goal to strive for or should we be focusing on something else?;And much more!
âProgress, navigation, experimentation, these are normal parts of teenage and young-adult lifeâ - Seth Gottlieb
Sobriety is a complex topic and Iâm grateful to be having a deep discussion with Seth today, who has some interesting takes while sharing about his own thoughts and feelings from his path to sobriety.
Hereâs one big takeaway from todayâs episode: We have to remember the goal. Is the goal to check a box, out of fear and insecurity? Or is the goal a happy and healthy teen?
âThereâs this one little piece, [sobriety] and if we focus on that piece, ⊠youâre missing the entire context of other things that theyâre accomplishing and other progress theyâre making in their livesâ - Beth
As parents, we often go black and white. Sober or addict. I get that. First of all, Iâve been there. Second of all, weâre often dealing with very young brains and it feels like thereâs so much at stake!
But what if they need this experimentation to figure out whether or not this is something that can be a part of their life?
Join us today in this discussion about what sobriety means, to you and to your struggling teen, and whether it should be a goal to strive for or not.
In this episode on what it means to be sober and whether itâs really that important, we discuss:Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Why doesnât your teen learn from their mistakes? Or admit when theyâre wrong? Why canât they just act like an adult? If youâve ever wondered about any of these, youâre not alone. To answer these questions, weâre diving into the world of teenage brain development and what it means for us as parents. Spoiler alert: itâs not as straightforward as you think.
Whenever your teen is acting out, you might think âIn what world do you think this is okay?â Hereâs our take: In the world where they thought they wouldnât get caught and in the world where they never experienced this before. This highlights a key issue: teens lack the life experience and brain development necessary to foresee consequences and regulate their emotions consistently.Hereâs the thing: The human brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 25.
This means that emotional regulation is inconsistent, at best. Your teen is in the process of learning but hasn't mastered how to handle intense emotions yet. Reacting impulsively or avoiding situations altogether is a normal part of this learning curve. Growing the brain takes experience. It's through real-world consequencesâwhether legal, parental, or socialâthat they start to understand what is acceptable behavior and what isnât.
One of the biggest challenges we face as parents is letting our kids gain these experiences, especially when they come back from treatment. We see them physically growing up and get smarter, so itâs easy to forget they arenât adults yet. They might look and sometimes sound like it, but their brains are still catching up.
"If they havenât had a lived experience in a certain thing, I donât know how they would actually know"- Beth Hillman
By understanding your teenâs developmental stage, you can better support them become independent adults. Letâs discuss all of this more in todayâs episode.
In this episode on why your teen isnât acting like an adult, we discuss:
How the human brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 25;The only way our teens learn what is acceptable and accepted, and what isnât, is through real-world life experience;The difference between a controlled environment and being controlling;The importance of setting boundaries and enforcing consequences to guide behavior.How teens' survival brain impacts their decision-making, often leading to impulsive actions;Teens are still learning how to manage intense emotions;And more!Need support?
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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âParents have so much influence on their childâs concept of themselves.â - Ciara
The importance of holding a positive vision for your childâs future;Why your teen needs you to instill hope in them;The influence you have as a parent on your childâs concept of themselves;Can you look at your teenâs struggles as essential for their development instead of a predictor for the rest of their lives?;Two helpful reminders on cultivating hope in your struggling teen;What could Ciaraâs parents have done differently during her teenage years?;When your teenager pushes you away and puts their defenses up, they really need you to see beyond that and be there;Being willing to take accountability for ways theyâve hurt their child;Understanding your teen's state of blame as a coping mechanism due to lack of self-worth;What you can do to encourage openness and connection with your struggling teen.
What if your struggling teen could look at themselves with hope and confidence, knowing they have the power to overcome their challenges?
This second conversation with formerly struggling teen Ciara Fanlo is focussed around one main questions: What can parents do to best support their struggling teen?
When asked what her own parents could have done differently, she replied: "Relate to me as someone who was capable, whole, and healed,". It sounds simple, but you and I both know how hard this can be. Yet, it can make all the different to your teen.
"Youâre able to hold this vision of them and their life and whatâs possible for them even when they maybe canât see it," Ciara explained. This vision is crucial because, as parents, our belief in our children's potential is everything.
Lacking the life experience to know that thereâs always hope, our teens often struggle to see hope in their darkest moments. And itâs our job as their parents to give them this hope. "Parents have so much influence on their child's concept of themselves," Ciara emphasized.
Have a listen now for a unique opportunity to learn from a formerly struggling teen herself!
In this episode on believing in your teenâs potential, we discuss:
More about Ciara FanloCiara Fanlo is a former âtroubled teenâ who now supports struggling adolescents and their families. After recovering from her own challenging years, she founded Homing Instinct to share what she learned from her experiences. Ciara now provides personalized mentorship and coaching for teens as they navigate the transformative and tumultuous journey of becoming a young adult in todayâs world.
Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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From a very young age, Ciara felt like she didnât belong. Cutting was just one of her destructive behaviors to cope with the pain she felt: not knowing how to be in the world with how sensitive her heart was.
A glimpse inside the mind of a struggling teen, her thoughts, and motivations;How can you support your sensitive kid or teen?;Why would my teen cut themselves?;Unshaming our uniqueness;How did Ciara get out of her destructive behaviors?;Why do our teens cope with unhealthy behavior instead of healthy behavior?;Understanding that your teen is not trying to make your life miserable;And much more!
Ciara Fanlo is a previously struggling teen who spent the majority of her adolescence in treatment, including inpatient hospitalization, wilderness, and therapeutic boarding school. Reflecting on her past, she recognizes how sensitive she was as a child and teenager. She often felt like an alien, like she didnât belong, and couldn't articulate her feelings at this age, constantly wondering, âWhat is wrong with me?â
âI think what sensitive people really need is nearing and connection. Because itâs so overhwelming at times to feel feelings that deeply and that richly.â - Ciara Fanlo
In this conversation, Ciara offers an intimate look into the thoughts and motivations of a struggling teen who turned to unhealthy and destructive behaviors to cope with her pain.
If youâve ever wondered, âWhy does my teen cut themselves?â or âWhy doesnât my teen go running to release tension instead of using drugs?â, this episode is invaluable for parents like you (and me).
This conversation is your next step towards understanding and supporting your struggling teen.
âYou donât have to fully understand. You can be curiousâ - Ciara Fanlo
One of the many powerful messages Ciara shares today is that your teen is not acting out to make your life difficult. When you know better, you do better. And just like Ciara at that age, your teen is simply doing what they know.
âMy baseline experience of just being in my body in my life was miserable. I felt so low, and so down on myself and I was so insecure and felt this total discomfort. This feeling of everything being wrong, including me. So any time there was some kind of promise of relief from that, I would grab it with both handsâ - Ciara Fanlo
Iâm incredibly grateful to Ciara for this valuable and vulnerable conversation, providing us a glimpse into the mind of a struggling teen. Have a listen now!
In this episode on why teens turn to destructive behaviors, we discuss:More about Ciara Fanlo
Ciara Fanlo is a former âtroubled teenâ who now supports struggling adolescents and their families. As a teen, she went through multiple treatment interventions, including inpatient hospitalization, wilderness therapy, and a therapeutic boarding school.
After recovering from those challenging and painful years, she founded Homing Instinct to share what she learned from her experiences. Ciara now provides personalized mentorship and coaching for teens as they navigate the transformative and tumultuous journey of becoming a young adult in todayâs world.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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WHY canât my teen just do what I ask them to do?!
How the brain of your teen works and why they react to boundaries and consequences the way they do;The message youâre sending to your teen when youâre not upholding boundaries;How teens interpret and respond to parental actions and inactions;The pivotal role of parents in modeling and enforcing desired behaviors;Tips for creating a consistent and accountable home environment;Why I donât like home contracts and recommend working with a Parent Home Plan instead;Helping your teen trust that you do what you say;Strategies to build and maintain trust through consistent actions;What boundaries are you as a parent actually willing to follow through on?;The importance of clear, consistent boundaries and the impact on teen behavior.
Iâm sure youâve had this thought before, just like any other parent on this planet.
Today, Seth shares a relatable story of a teen whoâs not showing up and isnât showing any motivation for behavioral change. Sounds familiar? Then this episode is for you.
Why do our teens show up like this? Where is this behavior coming from? Theyâve signed the home contract after treatment so why are they not following the rules?
âI wasnât gonna take responsibility for my actions [because] I didnât need to take responsibility for my actions. I had to learn much later in life how to take responsibility for my actions and what that actually meant. â
- Seth Gottlieb
To answer these questions, weâre diving into how the teenâs brain works as well as the place where your teen spends most of their time after treatment: at home with you, their parents.
âThis is what kids think: If we are not following through on what we say we will do, then itâs just basically a green lightâ
- Beth Hillman
In this episode, we discuss:Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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âYou think youâre doing okay and then you realize âHow did I miss how much my child was struggling?ââ - Hope
Meet the parents from my latest parent coaching group. Eight months ago, these parents went on a 6-month journey with me to influence lasting change in themselves and their struggling teens. Now, theyâre bravely sharing their stories, what it means for them to âdo the workâ as a parent, and much more.
âIt was really hard to distinguish whatâs teenage behavior, fighting with your mom, or whatâs âyouâre fighting with your mom because youâre so depressed that you just need to feel something.ââ - Ella
These are the parents of teens who struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, and suicide attempts. Teens whoâve been in various kinds of treatment, including in-patient, and wilderness.
They have been in your shoes. Theyâve done the work, and continue doing so. Theyâve grown. And theyâre here to share.
In this episode on what it means to do the work as a parent, we discuss:
What was the work these parents had to put in to influence lasting change in themselves and their teens?;The stories of these parents and their struggling teens;Identifying the facts versus the stories they tell themselves;Creating awareness around the part youâre playing;Where have these parents grown the most? What are they most proud of?;The advice they would give themselves if they could time-travel back to 5 years ago;And more!Need support?
đșïžNeed help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
đ€Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.Support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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