Afleveringen
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Fear has a sneaky way of impacting our brains, pushing us toward avoiding what feels uncomfortable instead of working through it. For many of us, fear makes us want to avoid the situation, but doing that keeps us from working through what needs to be done.
What fear does to us as parents and how to recognize its impact;The kinds of fear our teens might experience, especially coming out of treatment;What helps parents and teens work through their fears?;Practical strategies for parents to manage their own fears while supporting their teens;How understanding love languages can help us better understand our struggling teens;And much more
It’s important to understand that fear is an emotion that comes and goes, just like other emotions. But what does fear bring up in us as parents, and in our struggling teens? Thinking back to the time before our son went to wilderness, I remember thinking ‘There’s nothing to be done. We’ve lost him.’ My brain was giving up on him out of fear.
“I think fear basically stalls people out” - Beth Hillman
So how can you face fear? How can you bring it with you, allowing it to take place in the passenger’s seat instead of taking over the wheel? We’re talking all about it in today’s episode.
In this episode, we discuss:
Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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It’s easy to forget to prioritize ourselves as parents, especially when our children are struggling. In this episode, Seth and I dive into the emotional balancing act of parenting a teen in treatment while still finding time for self-care. It’s common to feel guilty for taking care of yourself, especially when your child is away in treatment. Whether you feel guilty about telling your kid that you had a good day while they’re in treatment, or it feels exhausting to you to always be 'on' as a solo parent, it’s crucial to make time for self-care.
The emotional guilt parents feel when taking care of themselves while their teen is in treatment;The importance of self-care for parents and how it affects your ability to support your child;How modeling self-care can project its importance to your child;Balancing self-care with parenting responsibilities;What does true self-care look like for parents?;The 3 main ways to fill you cup and practice self-care as a parent;And more!
“It’s one of the hardest asks, but it’s so important to be intentional about [self-care]” - Beth Hillman
But filling your own cup isn’t just crucial for yourself, but also for your teen. The way you find balance and make time for self-care can be a great model for your child, even if they don’t show appreciation right away.
If you've ever felt guilty for having a good day or wondered how to balance taking care of yourself while being there for your child, this episode is for you.
In this episode on self-care for parents, we discuss:
Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Zijn er afleveringen die ontbreken?
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Your teen appears calm and composed with their therapist but displays anger or aggression at home, how frustrating!? It feels like you're dealing with two completely different versions of the same person.
Teens showing different behaviors at home vs. in therapy;The frustration parents feel when their child “works the system.”;Actions as a more accurate reflection of what's really happening;Opening the conversation between your teen, their therapist, and you;Why your teen might feel the need to present themselves differently with their providers;And more!
In this episode, Seth and I explore the challenge of handling teens who have been through enough therapy to know exactly what to say to 'work the system.' While their providers see one side, you as a parent experience something entirely different. We’ll talk about how to navigate these mixed signals, how actions often speak louder than words, and how you can open up this conversation with your teen. Have a listen!
In this episode, we discuss:Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Balancing the need for rules with the desire for connection can be incredibly challenging when parenting teens. In this episode, therapist Trevor Allen and I dive into the complex dynamics of rules versus boundaries versus expectations and how to navigate them in a way that promotes healthy relationships.
We discuss the confusion that can arise when trying to balance control and support, particularly when parenting a struggling teen. It’s not just about setting strict rules but more about understanding how to teach our kids how to treat us through our own actions and the boundaries we set. We want to influence without trying to control, allowing for growth while maintaining a healthy home environment.
One key takeaway from our conversation is that zero-tolerance policies can set kids up for failure, particularly when dealing with issues like addiction. So let’s explore other options in today’s episode.
“If I lived with anybody and ALL they could see are the things that are problematic that I’m doing, I would have a really hard time being around that person. I think that’s a relationship destroyer” - Trevor Allen
If you’re wondering how to create a supportive yet structured environment for your child without taking their choices personally, this episode is for you.
In this episode on rules vs. boundaries vs. expectations, we discuss:
The differences between rules, boundaries, and expectations in parenting;How to influence your struggling teen without controlling them;Managing yourself and maintaining a healthy home environment;Supporting your teen despite poor decisions and bad behavior;The importance of focusing on what you do, not just what you say;Why controlling the situation by controlling your teen doesn’t work;Being consistent with rules vs. being flexible to meet your teen’s needs;The impact of only seeing the negative and how to shift focus to positive progress;Why nuance and flexibility in rules can improve family dynamics.Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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What’s it actually like for your teen to be in wilderness or other treatment?
As parents, we can never truly know. But today’s guest, Ciara Fanlo, has been through it herself. According to her, the emotional stages our teens go through in treatment are very similar to the seven stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance & hope, and processing grief.
So what does that look like for your teen? In this episode, Ciara shares her thoughts and experiences going through each of these steps. Like when she was going through the ‘denial’ phase and remembers thinking: “There’s no way I’ll be staying here for 12 weeks. My mom loves me, when I write her there’s no way she’s going to let me stay that long.”
I cannot describe how valuable it is to actually hear the thoughts of someone who’s been through it all themselves, as a teen. Tune in to hear Ciara’s mindblowing insights.
In this episode, we discuss:
The emotional stages your teen or young adult will experience in treatment, similar to the 7 stages of grief;How shock affects both teens and parents when entering treatment;Why resistance and anger can be healthy steps in the process;Processing grief over lost time and emotional struggles.How to manage your own expectations as a parent through the ups and downsThe importance of letting your teen move through these stages at their own paceNeed support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.More about Ciara Fanlo
Ciara Fanlo is a former “troubled teen” who now supports struggling adolescents and their families. After recovering from her own challenging years, she founded Homing Instinct to share what she learned from her experiences. Ciara now provides personalized mentorship and coaching for teens as they navigate the transformative and tumultuous journey of becoming a young adult in today’s world.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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We all know that feeling when something doesn’t sit right, but we shrug it off, telling ourselves, “It’s not a big deal.” Yet, over time, those little moments of unspoken frustration build up, slowly shrinking our emotional bandwidth until we snap over the tiniest thing. Whether it's a parent feeling taken for granted or a struggling teen wondering why they’re the only one doing all the hard work, resentment can do a lot of harm when left unchecked.
In this episode, Seth and I tackle the tricky topic of resentment, how it sneaks up on us as parents and what we can do about it before it takes over, as well as the resentment our struggling teens might feel, especially those who have been in treatment.
“A lot of my resentment comes from an unrealistic expectation that I have of somebody else that I have not yet expressed.” - Seth Gottlieb
The truth is, resentment often grows from unspoken expectations and emotions. I share my journey of being the passive parent until my resentment boiled over, and Seth explains why teens, too, feel resentful when they’re the only ones expected to change or feel like they’re the only ones putting in all the work.
In this episode on resentment between parents and teens, we discuss:
How resentment builds and why we often ignore it until it’s too late;The importance of being emotionally honest with ourselves and our loved ones;Why struggling teens may feel resentment towards us, especially those who have been in treatment;How resentment can be an indicator that you’re not staying true to your values as a parent;Strategies to prevent resentment by communicating expectations clearly and consistently;And much more!Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showRelated podcast episodes:
102. Why Your Teen Isn’t Acting Like an Adult
66. How To Bring Up Backburner Issues With Tanya HaleAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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We are all wired to avoid uncomfortable feelings. We instinctively shy away from discomfort, parents and teens alike. Whether it’s solving a problem for our kids, distracting ourselves from uncomfortable feelings, or we’re trying to save the day, we often act to avoid the tension. But here’s the hard truth: our teens need to experience that discomfort in order to grow. In this episode, Seth and I explore why learning to sit with emotional unease, both for ourselves and our teens or young adults, is key to developing resilience and problem-solving skills.
As parents, it’s all too easy to step in and “rescue” our kids when they’re struggling. But where’s the line between helping and enabling? Is stepping in actually saving them from distress, or is it preventing them from learning how to handle their own emotions? I share a story from one of my clients about how a teen’s persistent pushback led the parent to second-guess their boundaries, ultimately giving in to avoid discomfort. It’s a common trap, but real growth happens when we, as parents, can sit with that unease a little longer than our kids, helping them build the skills they need to handle life’s emotional challenges.
In this episode on learning to sit with discomfort, we explore:
How long can you tolerate emotional discomfort before feeling the need to act?;The fine line between helping and enabling your child;Why sitting with your own distress can help your child develop problem-solving skills;The importance of modeling emotional resilience for your kids;How to balance support and structure when parenting teens.Listen now to learn how to help your teen build emotional resilience and problem-solving skills by managing your own discomfort first!
Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Co-parenting is hard - there’s no sugarcoating it. In an ideal world, both parents would align perfectly on every decision, from phone use to curfews to navigating friendships. But, as Seth and I explore in this episode, that’s often not the case.
One of the biggest challenges I often see as a parent coach is when one parent holds firm boundaries while the other is more loose. It can feel like a tug-of-war, and the fear of "losing" your child to the more relaxed parent is real. But here’s the thing: I’ve consistently found that when healthy boundaries are set (and consequences stuck to) with kindness, compassion, and understanding, your child, teen, or young adult will still enjoy being around you.
You don’t have to undermine your co-parent to uphold your values, and you don’t have to be afraid of the different influences your child is getting from the other parent. Let’s take a deeper look at all of this in today’s episode!
In this episode on co-parenting challenges, we discuss:
Why you don’t have to be afraid of ‘losing’ your child to the other parent by setting more strict boundaries;How to uphold your value system without undermining the other parent;The damaging effects of speaking negatively about the other parent or dismissing their boundaries;The natural reaction of our brain to blame others and how to turn the reflection back on yourself;And much more!
"What do I do if my ex undermines my parenting?""How can I co-parent without putting my child in the middle?""Why does my ex always get to be the fun parent?""Am I losing my child to the other parent by setting strict boundaries?""What’s the best way to co-parent when we don’t agree?""How can I co-parent without conflict?"
If you ever think to yourself:…then this episode is for you! Let’s dive in!
Need support?🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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“An adolescent brain, it is what it is for a reason”- Brittney King
The teenage years can feel like a rollercoaster. One moment your young teen is playing it cool, and the next, they’re literally rolling on the ground pretending to be a dog. Sound familiar? In this week’s episode, I sit down with Brittney King, a licensed counselor, mom of five, and creator of the Think Good Feel Good online courses, to dive into the world of teens, particularly those in Junior High, aged 11-15.
“It’s such a key time for parents ... to be a guiding force.” - Brittney King
Brittney has a unique insight into our teen’s brain development throughout these years and why this unpredictable phase is so crucial for their development, and for us as parents. Their unpredictability can feel frustrating for us as parents (I’m not the only one who thinks sometimes ‘WHAT am I going to do with my teen?!’, right?) but understanding the teenage brain can help us be more tolerant of our kids as they explore, learn, and develop.
One thing Brittney has learned from being a counselor is that there is not one teenager out there who’s not struggling with something. What surprised her the most was how much they want to talk to adults about their problems. They don’t always show it and they certainly want some independence but that doesn’t mean they don’t need you to still be there and helping and supporting them through it.
“Teachers, coaches, therapists, they will come and go. But there is no substitute for caring and intentional parenting.” - Brittney King
It’s not about being a perfect parent or trying to be their therapist (they’ll see right through you!). What they care about is you connecting with them. They care about whether you’re showing up for them and whether they truly believe that you are there for them unconditionally, even when they don’t know how to ask for it.Let’s hear more invaluable wisdom from Brittney in today’s episode.
In this episode on the brain development of teenagers, we cover:
Why unpredictability is actually part of teen brain development;The importance of being a guiding force;How to connect with your teen without trying to “fix” them;The difference between helping and letting your teen solve their own problems;The importance of developing emotional intelligence for parents raising teens;What does it mean to be a safe person for your teen to open up to?;What teens are looking for in their parents;And more!Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can reach out to Brittney on her website brittneykingcoaching.com or send her an email at [email protected] 50% off the Think Good Feel Good online course bundle for parents and teens with promo code: bethcoachingResearch by Donald Winnicott: Good Enough ParentingBook by Ellen Galinsky: The B
Links & resources mentioned in this episode:Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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What if improving your relationship with your teen starts with changing yourself?
Are you willing to look at your own behavior to improve your relationship with your teen? If you know me at all, you know I truly believe the change begins with us. In this episode, Seth and I dive deeper into what that actually means for you as a parent.
Seth dropped quite the truth bomb in this episode: "None of us is perfect in how we relate to everybody." And isn't that the crux of it? We go into situations armed with a laundry list of demands and expectations for our teens or partners, but how often do we take a step back and ask ourselves if we’re holding up our end of the bargain?
Here’s the thing—no one wants to change when they feel attacked. Think about it: How would you feel if your teen came at you with a list of your shortcomings? You’d probably get defensive, right? Well, guess what? Your teen feels the same way.
“If I’m asking someone else to be honest, I better look in the mirror and just ask myself ‘How honest am I being?’” - Beth Hillman
Real change starts when we’re willing to look in the mirror and look at our own part first - a little self-reflection I challenge you to do as we explore these ideas in this week’s episode. Let’s dive in.
In this episode on improving your relationship with your struggling teen through self-awareness, we discuss:
Self-Awareness in Parenting: Recognizing your own weaknesses and how they impact your relationships, especially with your struggling teen;The Importance of Mutual Respect: Understanding that in any relationship, there must be a balance of give and take;Avoiding an Authoritarian Approach: Realizing that setting rigid expectations and demands without self-reflection won't foster positive change in your teen;Owning Your Role: Accepting responsibility for your part in the relationship dynamic and being open to self-improvement;Effective Communication: Emphasizing the need to clearly communicate your needs to avoid resentment;And more!
Need support?🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Have you ever snapped at your partner or your teen over something small, not really sure why you overreacted? Or like no matter how much sleep you get or how many cups of coffee you drink, there’s still a part of you that feels completely drained?
Oof, believe me, you’re not alone. In this episode, Seth and I dive deep into a topic that resonates with every parent: understanding our limits and how to recognize when we’re stretched too thin.
We often fill our days with obligations or even fun activities that keep us busy, but rarely do we pause to ask, “How am I really doing emotionally, physically, mentally, relationally, and spiritually?”
“A lot of times when there’s emotional stress in my life, I’m giving out a ton of emotional energy, but I don’t realize the physical toll it’s taking on me.” - Seth Gottlieb
It’s a reality many of us parents face: We push ourselves beyond our physical and emotional limits without even noticing the signs our bodies are sending us.
Have you ever noticed how your energy automatically flows to your obligations? Work, your teen, … you name it. But what happens when our personal cup is empty? That’s when we tend to overreact to minor inconveniences, not because of the small things themselves, but because we are simply exhausted. And it’s hard not to let this exhaustion seep into our family dynamics, leading to unhealthy interactions.
Seth and I break down how to become more self-aware and communicate your current emotional bandwidth to your partner and children. Don’t get me wrong, this is not about always being positive or suppressing emotions. It's about recognizing what's really going on inside you and being honest about it. Because let’s be real: until we’re fully taking care of ourselves, we can’t be fully present for others.
But self-awareness takes practice. It requires us to pause and check in with ourselves regularly. Are we really okay, or are we just telling ourselves we are? What activities genuinely fill our buckets, and which ones are simply distractions?
Let’s explore this more together in today’s episode!
In this episode on becoming aware of our own limits as parents, we discuss:
Recognizing our own physical, emotional, mental, relational, and spiritual limits as parents;Understanding how our capacity can impact those around us;The cost for ourselves and our families of Ignoring our needs as parents;The connection between physical and emotional energy and how this impacts our behavior and family dynamics.Differentiating between enjoyable and restorative activities;Having empathy for the energy needs of others, especially our struggling teens;Learning to communicate our current emotional state and limitations to our family members;Building healthier interactions within the family by understanding and managing our own energy levels;How self-regulation and self-awareness are key to being the best parent we can be.Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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As parents, it’s natural to want to do everything we can to support our struggling teens or young adults. But where do we draw the line between encouraging them to grow and enabling them to remain dependent?
It’s a delicate balance and I’m joined again by therapist Trevor Allen to dive into one of the more challenging questions for any parent: How do we figure out what our teens are truly capable of?
How much should you be doing for your kids? Should you be doing something for them when they can do it themselves?
It’s tempting to step in and help, especially when you see your teen struggling. But here’s the catch: by doing too much, we might be taking away the very opportunities they need to learn, grow, and mature.
Because the truth is: growth happens in the struggle.
It’s in those moments of challenge and difficulty that our teens build resilience and develop the skills they’ll need for life.
In this episode, we also explore the concept of self-efficacy, or the belief in one’s ability to succeed.
“As parents, we have to somehow be able to open up the possibility of them actually being successful, which does open up the possibility of them failing again. But we have to be willing to open up a certain amount” - Beth Hillman
It’s a tricky balance, but it’s essential for their growth.
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering how much is too much when it comes to helping your teen, this episode is for you. Trevor and I unpack these complex questions and offer practical insights on how to support your teen in a way that empowers them to take charge of their own life.
In this episode on encouraging vs. enabling, we discuss:
How can you determine what your struggling teen or young adult is capable of in order to set appropriate expectations and boundaries based on their capabilities?;How to decide how much you can help your teen without enabling dependency;The growth that comes from struggle and the importance of allowing your teen to face challenges independently;Avoiding the mindset of “they’re not doing it, so they can’t do it,” and recognizing when your actions cross the line from supportive to enabling;The importance of getting to know your child deeply to understand what they truly need, rather than focusing on getting them to do more or less;How you can help your teen without doing things entirely for them by taking baby steps out of enabling;Your role as a parent in helping your teen build the necessary skills to overcome their challenges without overwhelming them;The need for you to open up the possibility of your teen being successful, even if it means risking failure;The importance of self-efficacy and its role in your teen’s development.And remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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You want your teen to be sober, don’t you? But aren’t you focusing on the wrong goal by expecting your teen not to drink any alcohol or take any substances? And what does being sober actually mean? Does it mean the same thing to you as it does to your teen?
A multiple pathways approach versus a one-shoe-fits-all, abstinence policy;Focussing on the root cause versus the symptom of drinking or using drugs;Creating a safe space for your teen to confide in you;What does sobriety mean to you? And what does it mean to your teen?;Is sobriety a good goal to strive for or should we be focusing on something else?;And much more!
“Progress, navigation, experimentation, these are normal parts of teenage and young-adult life” - Seth Gottlieb
Sobriety is a complex topic and I’m grateful to be having a deep discussion with Seth today, who has some interesting takes while sharing about his own thoughts and feelings from his path to sobriety.
Here’s one big takeaway from today’s episode: We have to remember the goal. Is the goal to check a box, out of fear and insecurity? Or is the goal a happy and healthy teen?
“There’s this one little piece, [sobriety] and if we focus on that piece, … you’re missing the entire context of other things that they’re accomplishing and other progress they’re making in their lives” - Beth
As parents, we often go black and white. Sober or addict. I get that. First of all, I’ve been there. Second of all, we’re often dealing with very young brains and it feels like there’s so much at stake!
But what if they need this experimentation to figure out whether or not this is something that can be a part of their life?
Join us today in this discussion about what sobriety means, to you and to your struggling teen, and whether it should be a goal to strive for or not.
In this episode on what it means to be sober and whether it’s really that important, we discuss:Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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Why doesn’t your teen learn from their mistakes? Or admit when they’re wrong? Why can’t they just act like an adult? If you’ve ever wondered about any of these, you’re not alone. To answer these questions, we’re diving into the world of teenage brain development and what it means for us as parents. Spoiler alert: it’s not as straightforward as you think.
Whenever your teen is acting out, you might think “In what world do you think this is okay?” Here’s our take: In the world where they thought they wouldn’t get caught and in the world where they never experienced this before. This highlights a key issue: teens lack the life experience and brain development necessary to foresee consequences and regulate their emotions consistently.Here’s the thing: The human brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 25.
This means that emotional regulation is inconsistent, at best. Your teen is in the process of learning but hasn't mastered how to handle intense emotions yet. Reacting impulsively or avoiding situations altogether is a normal part of this learning curve. Growing the brain takes experience. It's through real-world consequences—whether legal, parental, or social—that they start to understand what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t.
One of the biggest challenges we face as parents is letting our kids gain these experiences, especially when they come back from treatment. We see them physically growing up and get smarter, so it’s easy to forget they aren’t adults yet. They might look and sometimes sound like it, but their brains are still catching up.
"If they haven’t had a lived experience in a certain thing, I don’t know how they would actually know"- Beth Hillman
By understanding your teen’s developmental stage, you can better support them become independent adults. Let’s discuss all of this more in today’s episode.
In this episode on why your teen isn’t acting like an adult, we discuss:
How the human brain isn't fully developed until around the age of 25;The only way our teens learn what is acceptable and accepted, and what isn’t, is through real-world life experience;The difference between a controlled environment and being controlling;The importance of setting boundaries and enforcing consequences to guide behavior.How teens' survival brain impacts their decision-making, often leading to impulsive actions;Teens are still learning how to manage intense emotions;And more!Need support?
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
You can support the show by:
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Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
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“Parents have so much influence on their child’s concept of themselves.” - Ciara
The importance of holding a positive vision for your child’s future;Why your teen needs you to instill hope in them;The influence you have as a parent on your child’s concept of themselves;Can you look at your teen’s struggles as essential for their development instead of a predictor for the rest of their lives?;Two helpful reminders on cultivating hope in your struggling teen;What could Ciara’s parents have done differently during her teenage years?;When your teenager pushes you away and puts their defenses up, they really need you to see beyond that and be there;Being willing to take accountability for ways they’ve hurt their child;Understanding your teen's state of blame as a coping mechanism due to lack of self-worth;What you can do to encourage openness and connection with your struggling teen.
What if your struggling teen could look at themselves with hope and confidence, knowing they have the power to overcome their challenges?
This second conversation with formerly struggling teen Ciara Fanlo is focussed around one main questions: What can parents do to best support their struggling teen?
When asked what her own parents could have done differently, she replied: "Relate to me as someone who was capable, whole, and healed,". It sounds simple, but you and I both know how hard this can be. Yet, it can make all the different to your teen.
"You’re able to hold this vision of them and their life and what’s possible for them even when they maybe can’t see it," Ciara explained. This vision is crucial because, as parents, our belief in our children's potential is everything.
Lacking the life experience to know that there’s always hope, our teens often struggle to see hope in their darkest moments. And it’s our job as their parents to give them this hope. "Parents have so much influence on their child's concept of themselves," Ciara emphasized.
Have a listen now for a unique opportunity to learn from a formerly struggling teen herself!
In this episode on believing in your teen’s potential, we discuss:
More about Ciara FanloCiara Fanlo is a former “troubled teen” who now supports struggling adolescents and their families. After recovering from her own challenging years, she founded Homing Instinct to share what she learned from her experiences. Ciara now provides personalized mentorship and coaching for teens as they navigate the transformative and tumultuous journey of becoming a young adult in today’s world.
Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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From a very young age, Ciara felt like she didn’t belong. Cutting was just one of her destructive behaviors to cope with the pain she felt: not knowing how to be in the world with how sensitive her heart was.
A glimpse inside the mind of a struggling teen, her thoughts, and motivations;How can you support your sensitive kid or teen?;Why would my teen cut themselves?;Unshaming our uniqueness;How did Ciara get out of her destructive behaviors?;Why do our teens cope with unhealthy behavior instead of healthy behavior?;Understanding that your teen is not trying to make your life miserable;And much more!
Ciara Fanlo is a previously struggling teen who spent the majority of her adolescence in treatment, including inpatient hospitalization, wilderness, and therapeutic boarding school. Reflecting on her past, she recognizes how sensitive she was as a child and teenager. She often felt like an alien, like she didn’t belong, and couldn't articulate her feelings at this age, constantly wondering, “What is wrong with me?”
“I think what sensitive people really need is nearing and connection. Because it’s so overhwelming at times to feel feelings that deeply and that richly.” - Ciara Fanlo
In this conversation, Ciara offers an intimate look into the thoughts and motivations of a struggling teen who turned to unhealthy and destructive behaviors to cope with her pain.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why does my teen cut themselves?” or “Why doesn’t my teen go running to release tension instead of using drugs?”, this episode is invaluable for parents like you (and me).
This conversation is your next step towards understanding and supporting your struggling teen.
“You don’t have to fully understand. You can be curious” - Ciara Fanlo
One of the many powerful messages Ciara shares today is that your teen is not acting out to make your life difficult. When you know better, you do better. And just like Ciara at that age, your teen is simply doing what they know.
“My baseline experience of just being in my body in my life was miserable. I felt so low, and so down on myself and I was so insecure and felt this total discomfort. This feeling of everything being wrong, including me. So any time there was some kind of promise of relief from that, I would grab it with both hands” - Ciara Fanlo
I’m incredibly grateful to Ciara for this valuable and vulnerable conversation, providing us a glimpse into the mind of a struggling teen. Have a listen now!
In this episode on why teens turn to destructive behaviors, we discuss:More about Ciara Fanlo
Ciara Fanlo is a former “troubled teen” who now supports struggling adolescents and their families. As a teen, she went through multiple treatment interventions, including inpatient hospitalization, wilderness therapy, and a therapeutic boarding school.
After recovering from those challenging and painful years, she founded Homing Instinct to share what she learned from her experiences. Ciara now provides personalized mentorship and coaching for teens as they navigate the transformative and tumultuous journey of becoming a young adult in today’s world.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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WHY can’t my teen just do what I ask them to do?!
How the brain of your teen works and why they react to boundaries and consequences the way they do;The message you’re sending to your teen when you’re not upholding boundaries;How teens interpret and respond to parental actions and inactions;The pivotal role of parents in modeling and enforcing desired behaviors;Tips for creating a consistent and accountable home environment;Why I don’t like home contracts and recommend working with a Parent Home Plan instead;Helping your teen trust that you do what you say;Strategies to build and maintain trust through consistent actions;What boundaries are you as a parent actually willing to follow through on?;The importance of clear, consistent boundaries and the impact on teen behavior.
I’m sure you’ve had this thought before, just like any other parent on this planet.
Today, Seth shares a relatable story of a teen who’s not showing up and isn’t showing any motivation for behavioral change. Sounds familiar? Then this episode is for you.
Why do our teens show up like this? Where is this behavior coming from? They’ve signed the home contract after treatment so why are they not following the rules?
“I wasn’t gonna take responsibility for my actions [because] I didn’t need to take responsibility for my actions. I had to learn much later in life how to take responsibility for my actions and what that actually meant. ”
- Seth Gottlieb
To answer these questions, we’re diving into how the teen’s brain works as well as the place where your teen spends most of their time after treatment: at home with you, their parents.
“This is what kids think: If we are not following through on what we say we will do, then it’s just basically a green light”
- Beth Hillman
In this episode, we discuss:Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
You can support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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“You think you’re doing okay and then you realize ‘How did I miss how much my child was struggling?’” - Hope
Meet the parents from my latest parent coaching group. Eight months ago, these parents went on a 6-month journey with me to influence lasting change in themselves and their struggling teens. Now, they’re bravely sharing their stories, what it means for them to ‘do the work’ as a parent, and much more.
“It was really hard to distinguish what’s teenage behavior, fighting with your mom, or what’s ‘you’re fighting with your mom because you’re so depressed that you just need to feel something.’” - Ella
These are the parents of teens who struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, and suicide attempts. Teens who’ve been in various kinds of treatment, including in-patient, and wilderness.
They have been in your shoes. They’ve done the work, and continue doing so. They’ve grown. And they’re here to share.
In this episode on what it means to do the work as a parent, we discuss:
What was the work these parents had to put in to influence lasting change in themselves and their teens?;The stories of these parents and their struggling teens;Identifying the facts versus the stories they tell themselves;Creating awareness around the part you’re playing;Where have these parents grown the most? What are they most proud of?;The advice they would give themselves if they could time-travel back to 5 years ago;And more!Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!
🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.Support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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How can you best support your struggling teen according to former troubled teens?
As teens, Hayley and Colin were both sent to wilderness, followed by other treatment (residential treatment center, and therapeutic boarding school). Now, approximately 12 years later, they use their experience as former troubled teens in treatment to provide peer-to-peer coaching for teens and young adults who feel like therapy hasn’t been the right fit or who are transitioning out of therapeutic programs back into the real world.They vulnerably open up about the intense emotions they faced before, during, and after their treatment journeys, after which we delve into the role of parents during and after treatment. If you’ve ever wondered how you can best support your struggling teen and what things might not be helpful for them at all, this episode is a must-listen.
"How much are the parents actually going to therapy?” - Colin MacDonald
I’m beyond grateful to Colin and Hayley for sharing their unique perspective and giving us a glimpse inside the minds of teens being sent to wilderness and other treatment facilities.
Listen and learn, parents.
In this episode full of parenting tips from former troubled teens, we discuss:
What does it feel like to be sent away to treatment as a teenager?;How can parents support their child before, during, and after treatment?What did their parents do that was very helpful for these struggling teens? And what was not helpful at all?;How does being sent away to treatment impact family dynamics and sibling relationships?Recognizing you don’t know what your child is going through or has gone through in treatment;And more.Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
More about Colin MacDonald and Hayley CaddesColin and Hayley are "former troubled teens" who spent their last two years of high school in wilderness and residential treatment programs. Based on their experience, they co-founded Not Therapy to provide peer-to-peer coaching for teens and young adults who feel like therapy hasn’t been the right fit or who are transitioning out of therapeutic programs back into the real world. As young people who have been in their clients’ shoes, their approach is rooted in personal expertise.
Learn more about Not Therapy on their website or blog, connect with them on LinkedIn, or directly book a free call.
Support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the show
And remember parents, the change begins with us.Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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How can you trust your teen is learning and growing even when some behaviors look similar?
Moving past your teen’s previous behavior can feel hard, especially when they’re showing similar behaviors now. But they’ve been to treatment, and they’re older now, so how can you know whether it’s a repetitive pattern behavior you’re witnessing or whether maybe the same behavior has a completely different motivation behind it?
When something’s unknown, it’s very easy and normal for us to look for a reference, a moment in the past that looked similar. It’s like a trauma response. But it also means we’re operating from a place of fear.“[As a parent], because I’m just waiting for it, because I just fear so much that you’ll do it again, anything that looks like old behavior feels like a relapse.” - Trevor Allen
And how does this reflect on your struggling teen? Do they feel seen for the person they are now or for the person they used to be? Your trauma response might involuntarily be communicating with your teen that you don’t believe they’ve changed.
“As someone who has gone through these changes, I can personally say, it's hurtful. … It’s hurtful when someone doesn’t see you in the new when you have done all of this work” - Seth Gottlieb
I’m joined today by both Seth Gottlieb and Trevor Allen to shine a light on both the parent perspective and the teen perspective of this delicate topic.
Is your teen really changing? Let’s discuss it in today’s episode.
Are you unconsciously waiting for your teen’s maladaptive behavior to happen again?;How can you know if your teen is changing?;What is true change?;The importance of seeing your teen for the individual they are, not the one they were;Learning how to trust your teen again;And much more!
In this episode on learning how to trust your struggling teen again, we discuss:Need support?
🗺️Need help setting healthy boundaries with your teen AND following through? My free guide will help you do so by creating your own Parent Home Plan!🤍Influence lasting change in yourself and your struggling teen with my private coaching or parent group program specifically created for parents of struggling teens.
More about Trevor Allen
Trevor has worked with adolescents and families for 26 years in various roles. He currently is working as a therapist and a coach for adolescents and parents. He and his wife own a private practice called Juniper Hill Counseling & Coaching.One of his biggest strengths is a person-centered approach in that he works hard to see the perspective of the client. It is his belief that connection and relationship is intrinsically important and has the secondary benefit that it creates fertile soil for change.
His family is what is most important to him. In his free time, Trevor enjoys running long distances in the Mountains of Utah.
Support the show by:
Leaving a review
Subscribing to the showAnd remember parents, the change begins with us.
Want to share something? You can always send me a message by clicking here. I'd love to hear from you! (Please know that this function doesn't allow me to respond to you so if you have a question, send me an email at [email protected])
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