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In psychology, the term "identity" is most commonly used to describe the distinctive qualities or traits that make an individual unique. Identities are strongly associated with self-esteem, and individuality and - for a teenager - forming their identity is a crucial job.
It's been over two years since I created the first episode looking at the topic of identity formation. In this episode I have pulled material from the orginal discussion, and brought in Susie to revisit the topic so we can discuss what we have learned during our parenting journeys.
One of the key issues we discuss is the importance of being flexible and not fixing a child's identity, so they have room to develop and grow. We can help this by supporting their teens' self-worth and personal growth; having open discussions about perceptions and roles.
BOOKS:
Inventing Ourselves; The Secret Life of the Teenage Brain by Sarah Jayne BlakemoreHis Dark Materials - Phillip PullmanHow to Raise a Healthy Gamer - Dr Alok KanojiaRESOURCES:
Identity
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/identity-crisis/
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/who-am-i-identity-crisis.htm
https://aspiroadventure.com/blog/why-is-teen-identity-development-important/#:~:text=Identity%20formation%20in%20teens%20is,most%20of%20their%20adult%20life.
The 8 stages of development Eric Ericson: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYCBdZLCDBQ&t=28sSupport the show
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Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
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I grew up believing in a meritocracy; with hard work - and government funding of my university education - I eventually escaped a difficult home and poor schooling to succeed in journalism.
But times have moved on, and the reality now is that getting a university education is no longer the gateway it used to be. In fact, according to generational expert and historian, Dr Eliza Filby, our life chances and opportunities are no longer shaped by what we learn or earn but by whether we have access to the Bank of Mum and Dad.
She says, we’re living in an Inheritocracy, where parental support is what matters most, and Western society is beginning to shift more towards an Asian model of family reciprocity.
This is definitely what I found when I researched my episode on whether teens should pay rent. There's been a quiet revolution of multiple generations now living under one roof because it makes more sense than casting our young into a world in which things have changed so dramatically.
RELEVANT EPISODE:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-styles-that-enable-teens-to-grow-into-capable-adults-1/
DR ELIZA FILBY:
https://www.elizafilby.com/https://www.instagram.com/dr_eliza_filby/https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCS82Ka2wcPerdEGx6Z1d1eAhttps://www.amazon.co.uk/Inheritocracy-Should-Talk-about-Bank/dp/1785908588/ref=sr_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.aFtkjtdKIWYZQUwxEK8p5vmrfiov9IVFwcGxhrbE3bA.EY2LeRMRlEqIxdqf1NZed1ZZIgBSqtu8XNlMv5uGPhQ&dib_tag=se&keywords=inheritocracy&qid=1715590848&sr=8-1Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
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The mini-series, Adolescence, is a global hit, topping Netflix charts in 71 countries and amassing 24.3 million views in its first four days.
It's sparked a global conversation about parenting, masculinity, and the impact of social media on young people. It's brilliance rests on holding up a mirror to everyone in society, showing us the complex factors that cause toxic ideas to take root.
When I started this podcast I set out to create somewhere that is a safe space for us parents to explore the challenges we face, judgement free. The links below are all referenced in the episode offering tools to think about, and unpack, our own parenting and how best to connect with and support our own kids.
BLOG: What to think about before handing your child a phone: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/mobile-phones-social-media-and-online-access-what-i-would-do-if-i-had-my-teens-or-tweens-again/
BOOK: When you lose it by Roxy and Gaye Longworth
EPISODES:
Screen time: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/screen-time-for-tweens-and-teens-the-latest-on-what-works-and-what-doesnt/Andrew Tate and the manosphere: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/role-models-andrew-tate-misogyny-red-pills-and-the-manosphere/Sexting and nudes: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/parenting-tips-4-protecting-your-tweenteen-from-doing-something-illegal-with-their-phone-camera-aka-sexting-also-how-and-why-you-might-give-your-teen-an-allowance/Porn culture: episode https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/pornography-why-talking-to-your-teen-about-it-is-more-important-now-than-its-ever-been-and-great/Andrew Hampton interview: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/Masculinity vaccinations: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/98-boys-emotions-masculinity-vaccinations-and-online-influencers/Talking with boys: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/masculinity-and-positive-ways-of-supporting-our-teenage-boys-an-interview-with-mike-nicholson-from/Bigorexia and bodybuilding: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/feeding-your-teen-control-issues-and-bigorexia/Looksmaxxing: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/112-boys-looks-and-masculinity-on-social-media-the-hard-and-soft-of-looksmaxxing/Staying connected: (second part of this episode) https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/2-alcohol-how-to-discuss-it-and-staying-connected-should-we-be-letting-our-teenagers-drink-and-w/Male friendships and the masculine mask: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/boy-friendships-and-supporting-our-sons-in-forming-positive-friendships-also-what-the-we-sho-1/For a t
Support the show
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Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
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Twenty years ago The Times asked young people in Britain a series of questions. The new Millenials gave answers which showed that the majority thought the UK was forward-looking and tolerant; they were proud to be British.
This year that same survey - this time asking Gen Z - has brought in radically different results.
48 per cent thought that Britain is a racist country, compared with 36 per cent who did not, and only 11 per cent said they would fight for Britain. In fact, 41 per cent said there were no circumstances in which they would take up arms for their country
This caught my eye, because I've been reading about the sharp rise in cynicism across many societies. What's particularly fascinating is that the opinions of people, when asked in research aimed at trying to understand cynicism, seem to be far less extreme and more peaceful, than we generally believe them to be.
So the question is, are we too cynical, and what can we parents do to help our kids feel more hope about the intentions of others and the world in general?
It's a very tricky subject, with lots of opportunities to offend, so do try to listen to the episode with the spirit in which it is intended.
The Times poll:
https://www.thetimes.com/uk/society/article/generation-z-survey-young-people-britain-ld076s8qr
Books referenced:
Hope for Cynics by Dr Jamil Zaki
Cynical Theories: How Activist Scholarship Made Everything about Race, Gender, and Identity--And Why This Harms Everybody by Helen Pluckrose and James Lindsay
Useful episodes for blended families with a newborn:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/1-your-parenting-toolbox-and-tidy-teen-rooms-rummaging-in-your-toolbox-and-how-you-get-your-teena/
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/differing-parenting-styles-and-future-careers-parenting-together-when-you-cant-agree-on-a-parenti/
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/manners-parenting-to-help-teens-succeed-in-life-by-teaching-the-importance-of-good-manners/
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/29-step-children-coping-and-thriving-with-a-blended-family/
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/123-avoid-parenting-burnout-and-troublesome-chore-charts-with-this-simple-method-an-interview-with/
Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
Empty nest syndrome is real, and can be very painful to navigate. I've already discussed it with Susie, including ideas for how we can manage our feelings in a positive way to help us move on.
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/empty-nest-how-to-cope-when-your-teen-moves-out-also-manners-what-are-they-and-what-should-we-te/But are we looking at it in the wrong way? Change management specialist, Hanna Bankier, hates the term empty nest because it has such negative connotations. 'How can the nest be empty if I'm still in it?'
She encourages us mothers to take a pro-active approach to that next stage of life by planning ahead from as early as when our kids turn tween and teen.
In this discussion, Hanna helps us think differently about this life stage, explains the key mistakes we make and which areas need focus, and how to plan for the nest stage of our life in a really positive, life-affirming way.
Hanna's top five tips:
Start early: Begin preparing for this transition during your child's teenage years by gradually shifting your parenting style from hands-on to mentorship.Create a personal plan: Map out your own identity and interests beyond motherhood. Use Hannah's exercise of drawing a circle with your name in the center and identifying activities that energize you.Build a supportive community: Cultivate female friendships and join groups or activities that interest you. These connections are crucial for emotional support and personal growth.Communicate openly with your child: Have honest conversations about how your relationship will evolve, setting expectations and creating a new dynamic as they become independent adults.Embrace the joy of this new chapter: Recognize that this is not an ending, but a new beginning. Celebrate your success in raising an independent child and look forward to the opportunities ahead for both of you.The key is to view this transition as a positive opportunity for personal growth and rediscovery, rather than a loss.
Free tool:
https://www.birdylauncher.com/freeoffer
Hanna Bankier:
https://www.birdylauncher.com/
Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
Another day another newspaper headline that says young people aren't working.
According to the Financial Times newspaper, 13.4 per cent of people in the United Kingdon in the 16 to 24 age group were not in employment education or training - “NEET” - at the end of last year.
The ONS figures showed a higher rate of young men outside work or training, with 14.4 per cent of 16- to 24-year-olds classed as NEET compared with 12.3 per cent of young women. and mental health issues seem to be a rising factor.
This podcast is all about helping parents see a way through the maze of problems, rather than dwelling in it, so in this episode I decided to put the figures in context and look at what we parents can do to ensure our kids a way to play a meaningful role in society.
PWC Report:
https://www.pwc.co.uk/economic-services/assets/youth-employment-index-2024.pdf
The World Economic Forum - Future of Jobs Report 2025
What employers consider to be core skills for the workforce:
1: Analytical thinking
2: Resilience, flexibility and agility
3: Leadership and social influence
4: Creative thinking
5: Motivation and self-awareness
6: Technological literacy
7: Empathy
8: Active listening
Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
Parenting is a hard enough, but doing it in a culture that is different from the one we grew up in creates an extra layer of challenges to navigate. When it's our kids who have the greatest connection to that new culture it can be their demands that make us grow the most in our role.
It might seem strange, because I'm a white woman who always spoke English and had English parents, but arriving in the UK from the African continent aged 10 was a total shock to my system. There were very specific cultural cues that I had to deliberately learn, but obviously the differences were eased by the fact that my parents came from this culture.
So when I met the podcaster, Amma, I was fascinated by how she and her family have had to navigate living in a country where the language and societal beliefs are so different both inside and outside the family unit, and how Amma was the person who ended up having to coax and cajole her parents to grow into their adopted country.
We parents can learn so much from her story about what is at the heart of good parenting, and having a relationship that will last into adulthood.
AMMA BROWN GIRL:
https://shows.acast.com/amma-brown-girl-1
https://www.instagram.com/ammabrowngirl/
Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
Most teens go through a phase of being hyper-focused on looking good; whether it's clothes, bodybuilding, skin-care or makeup. What can seem like an obsession could be a normal part of the process, so when should we start to worry and how should we step up?
When Clare wrote in worried about her daughter's skin-care regime she was hoping to get a teen perspective. Here's what she said.
I would like you to advise on though and maybe your daughters can help? My 13 year old has been heavily influenced in the last year or two by social media posts on skin care. She has now changed from being content with a simple cleanse and moisturise before bed to having a morning and evening skincare ritual lasting more than an hour. She is getting up at 5.30 every morning to start the ritual! The most concerning thing is the use of products and preparations that I would normally associate with more mature ladies ( things I would use!) and these often include hyaluronic acid, retinol, collagen etc. she spends all her pocket money, birthday and Xmas money on these products and is constantly asking for extra jobs to earn more money to support to this expensive obsession. I am hoping it’s just a short lived phase and thinking that I should treat it a bit like ‘bad fashion’ and keep cool and non judgemental about it, rather than expressing my concerns, which would probably make things worse! Do you have any advice?
In this episode I talk at length with my girls about the trend, how her daughter might be feeling, and what Clare can do to support her without shutting down communication and connection.
PRODUCT MENTIONED (NO AFFILIATE OR SPONSORSHIP INVOLVED)
Garnier Vitamin C Daily UV Brightening Fluid Sheer Glow, SPF50+, For all skin types, Cruelty-Free, Vegan, 50mlSupport the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
Before I had kids I literally had no real idea of what I should expect. I think that's partly why I have spent the years as a mother panicking and reading everything; having learnt that I was wrong about how complicated the job is.
Susie and I are in a similar stage with our kids but feel differently about it, so I thought it would be lovely to bring her in to have an open, honest conversation about how the stages unfold and what it really feels like for us.
What do you think? Send me a message on [email protected]
Ellen Galinsky's six stages of parenting:
Nurturer - Birth to one year
Your baby learns that they are safe and the more they find their needs met the more confident they'll become as a youth.
Boundaries - Ages one to five
Children start to test boundaries. They need to be clear and consistent. When you set a boundary it needs to be the same every time, and the consequences need to be applied consistently.
Training the Heart -Ages six to twelve
You begin answering questions about boundaries and consequences, and putting them in context with the way society works. It's important to listen to your child, and respect their opinions.
Coaching - Ages thirteen to eighteen
Give advice but allow the child to make the ultimate decision. We also have to allow our children to suffer the consequences of bad decisions. Nagging, or constant correction, will just cause our kids to tune our voice out.
Mentoring - Ages eighteen to job or marriage
Refrain from telling them what they should do and from judging the decisions they make. Understand - and treat them - as if that they are capable of solving their own problems. Our job is to offer advice when asked and not to judge. Be curious.
Friendship - Job or marriage and beyond
Now our kids are established as adults it's time to tone down the parenting and allow them to be our equal. The one key thing to remember is that they will always crave our unconditional love and acceptance, regardless of how old they become.
Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
Sponsored by JENZA
Positively life changing is how I would sum up the time I spent working abroad during my gap year. I met people with a completely different world view, different language, and learnt to navigate many challenges alone. It gave me a positive, can-do attitude to life.
Now my teens are 16 and 18, I want to make sure they have the confidence to meet whatever life throws at them head-on. Given my own experience, I'm convinced that a working holiday is an ideal way of giving them the skills they need with an added boost to their 'explorer' mindset.
I’ve already made an episode talking in general about gap years, but I'm still getting a lot of enquiries about specific opportunities, so when JENZA - the earn as you explore youth travel group - offered to sponsor an episode it was an obvious way to get lots of useful tips for us parents.
In this discussion with JENZA’s head of Global Operations, Adam Janaway, he shares:
The benefits of working abroad, emphasizing skills like responsibility, adaptability, and problem-solving. The career advantages of cultural exposure and work experience in foreign settings. Three types of work abroad experiences: short-term structured programs, longer-term flexible working holidays, and professional internships. His own experiences, including working at a US summer camp and in Canada, and stresses the importance of asking for help and building emotional intelligence. Advice for us parents to encourage independence and planning for our children's working holidays.JENZA: www.jenza.com
GAP YEAR EPISODE: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/gap-years-what-is-a-gap-year-and-should-our-teens-take-one/
Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
It's one thing to get advice on how to parent, it's another to have independent studies that give real evidence on how well one approach works rather than another.
Navigating the ups and downs of the teenage years - The book discusses how the teenage years are not just constant "storms and stress" but have complex weather patterns with both positive and negative aspects.Supporting teenagers' identity exploration - The book advises letting teenagers experiment with different identities and not labeling them, to allow them room to continue developing.Facilitating healthy friendships and relationships - The discussion covers how parents can support their teenager's friendships, even if they don't approve of all their friends, and have conversations about healthy romantic relationships.Talking to teens about sex and sexuality - The book emphasizes the importance of parents proactively discussing sex, sexuality, and porn with teenagers, rather than leaving it to schools or the media.Maintaining self-care as a parent - The book stresses that parents taking care of their own needs and well-being is crucial for supporting their teenager's well-being.
Faced with raising two young kids in a COVID lockdown, social scientist and skilled researcher Matilda Gosling looked for a book that gave her advice that was based on sound evidence. She discovered that such a book didn't exist, so set out to write it.
Described by investigative journalist Hannah Barnes as 'A rare entity: a parenting book that is accessible, well evidenced, practical, gritty and not hectoring. In short, one that is genuinely helpful.' I knew we all needed to hear about what Matilda had found.
THE BOOK
Teenagers: The Evidence Base, weaves together insights from fields including social and experimental psychology, neuroscience, family systems and adolescent development.
CONTACTING MATILDA:
https://www.matildagosling.com/
https://www.linkedin.com/in/matilda-gosling-11a95521/?originalSubdomain=uk
https://matildagosling.substack.com/
In the interview we cover:Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
Stress can be a major problem for parents who're constantly juggling tasks and responsibilities. The mental load can feel overwhelming at times and the list literally never ending. So when I discovered Sam Kelly has a brilliant way to:
Teach kids the "big three" daily tasks to build cleaning skills.Guide kids on how to "notice" what needs to be done around the house.Have "cycle breaking conversations" with kids about gender equity and mental load.Try the "notice and grab" approach when grocery shopping with kids.
✅Avoid burnout.
✅Have a happier home life.
✅Help our kids to be successful in life.
✅Avoid nagging.
✅Break the old stereotypes cycle.
I had to get her on the show. A mother and feminist coach, Sam is teaching parents how to share the mental load with the whole family and increase our kid's chances of having a happy life at the same time.
She summed up what I've been struggling with my entire adult life: the fact that if we don't learn household skills at home it's way harder to develop them as adults when we have busy lives, careers, and our own family.
Some of Sam's key suggestions are:You can find Sam on Instagram at:
https://www.instagram.com/samkelly_world/
And her own website at:
https://hellosamkelly.com/Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
We parents are deluding ourselves about how much our kids enjoy school, according to research for the book The Disengaged Teen. In survey responses 65% of parents thought their 10th grade kid loved school, whilst only 26% of 10th graders actually said they did.
A lot of educators admit that things go wrong in the teen years, and many fine minds are trying to work on ways to tackle the problem. In the meantime huge numbers of teens spend most of their time disengaged. Some take a lacklustre approach, doing the bare minimum, some work hard but never really think about the path they're on, others simply check out by disrupting the class or refusing to turn up.
The result is a high boredom high stress environment, but in this amazing book Dr Rebecca Winthrop and Jenny Anderson explain that we parents have a immense power to influence our kids' engagement.
Drawing on sciencific studies, and research with thousands of parents and educators, they have come up with an easy to understand framwork and language for us to use with our own kids both in and beyond the classroom.
LEARNING MODES:
Resister. When kids resist, they struggle silently with profound feelings of inadequacy or invisibility, which they communicate by ignoring homework, playing sick, skipping class, or acting out.Passenger. When kids coast along, consistently doing the bare minimum and complaining that classes are pointless. They need help connecting school to their skills, interests, or learning needs.
Achiever. When kids show up, do the work, and get consistently high grades, their self-worth can become tied to high performance. Their disengagement is invisible, fueling a fear of failure and putting them at risk for mental health challenges.
Explorer. When kids are driven by internal curiosity rather than just external expectations, they investigate the questions they care about and persist to achieve their goals.
THE BOOK:
The Disengaged Teen by Dr Rebecca Winthrop and Jenny Anderson
Dr Rebecca Winthrop
https://www.linkedin.com/in/rebecca-winthrop-b36b0617/Support the show
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Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
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www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
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Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
There are siblings who love spending time with each other as often as possible, some tolerate it once or twice a year, and there are others who would rather eat glass than have to speak to each other.
Why? What happens to their relationship? Is there something we parents can be doing to set our kids to be the ones who love and support each other as we age and after we die.
When one listener asked for a deep dive on siblings who don’t talk to each other later in life it came at the same time as another, Helen, who said she'd noticed lots of her female friends are struggling in their relationships with their sisters.
In this episode I talk with Susie about the factors in our own family setups that affect sibling relationships long term and whether there's a secret to making sure your kids don’t hate each other some day. We also try to help Helen with some ideas about how she can ameliorate her own situation with her sister.
BOOK:
Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/343433834_Sibling_Relationships_in_Adulthood_Research_Findings_and_New_Frontiers
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7399693/Findings
https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2006-04983-006Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
MAKING RESOLUTIONS: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/70-new-years-resolutions-love-them-or-loathe-them-the-question-is-how-can-we-make-them-work-for-u/
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/Be-the-person-you-want-to-be-not-the-person-others-think-you-should-be/
PARENTING STRESS: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/109-parenting-stress-is-now-a-major-health-issue
TOO MANY CHOICES: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/concentration-and-the-troubling-effect-of-too-many-choices/
NAGGING: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/nagging-reducing-the-friction-using-the-magic-of-routine/
10-25: The Science of Motivating Young People by David Yeager
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/motivation-how-to-motivate-your-teenager-and-why-blame-and-shame-doesnt-work/
The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids by Elaine Taylor-Klaus
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/108-how-to-support-struggling-complex-kids/
Sexism and Sensibility by Jo Ann Finkelstein
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/116-girls-beauty-standards-entitlement-and-misogyny/
When Girls Fall Out by Andrew Hampton
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/
Hold on to Your Kids by Dr Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate
Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt
Failing our Future by Joshua Eyler
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/104-how-grades-harm-students-and-what-we-parents-can-do-about-it/
Exam Nation by Sammy Wright
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/102-why-our-obsession-with-grades-fails-everyone-an-interview-with-exam-nation-author-sammy-wright/
Of Boys and Men by Richard V Reeves
Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax.MOST DOWNLOADED EPISODES OF 2024:
80: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/79-taking-things-personally-coping-with-adversity-teen-love-and-changing-our-minds-when-we-get-ne/110: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/motivation-how-to-motivate-your-teenager-and-why-blame-and-shame-doesnt-work/
77: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/standards-setting-high-expectations-without-the-pressure/
88: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/nagging-reducing-the-friction-using-the-magic-of-routine/
93: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/screen-time-for-tweens-and-teens-the-latest-on-what-works-and-what-doesnt/
Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
Connection is at the root of human happiness, but staying connected through the turbulent teens and keeping family traditions and gatherings positive can be a challenge.
Incorporate traditions or rituals that mark transitions and changes in your relationship with your teenagers, like a special one-on-one trip or creating a photo book.Communicate openly about the changing nature of your relationship with teenagers and reassure them that you are still a safe space for them to share their thoughts and feelings.Be open and clear about how they can tell you anything and you will not tell a soul, to encourage trust and a sense that they can open up to you.
In this episode we help Helen with her question about how to stay connected with her daughter who's on the brink of becoming a teenager.
We also talk about hosting gatherings, drawing on advice from the expert, Priya Parker. How to put nutrients back into our family earth; avoid straying into topics that cause problems, move away from stale family tropes, and create an atmosphere that sets us up for positive connection.
Help for Helen:Episode 2 covers how to stay connected
Focus on being proactive and setting the tone for gatherings by approaching them with positivity and an intention to connect, rather than just trying to get through them.Be intentional about creating spaces and activities that bring your family together, such as having everyone bring a game to play.Identify and highlight the unique quirks or interests of family members to spark engaging conversations and connect on a more personal level.Deputize unexpected guests or assign roles to family members to mix up the group dynamics and prevent the same people from dominating conversations.Channel any argumentative or competitive energy into structured activities or games that allow for healthy expression and bonding.Seed new conversation topics that encourage sharing stories and personal experiences rather than just opinions, such as asking about the best new food tried or songs discovered.
Episode 3 how to talk so they’ll listen
Episode 13 is great ways to spend time with your teen
Episode 41 covers conflict resolution
Family parties without the fireworks:
Episode 70: Giving presents. Is your teenager ungrateful?
Episode 69: Festivities or fights?Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
In a recent column in The Times, Caitlin Moran wrote about how five young men in her social circle have taken their lives in the past 18 months.
She's not alone. My daughter has experienced this, as has Benedicte's son, the listener who contacted me to suggest I cover it in an episode.
In the UK, the leading cause of death for men under the age of 50 is suicide, and the statistics in the US are even worse. Boys are particularly vulnerable, and we know that there's the risk of social contagion if we're not careful about how we discuss it.
So how do we talk to kids who've been impacted by this devastating loss? Dr Steven Kariaskos is deeply involved in suicide prevention and support and gives some excellent tips for us parents.
RESOURCES:
https://www.copingaftersuicide.com/support-groups
https://afsp.org/
https://findahelpline.com/i/iasp
https://samaritanshope.org/blog/suicide-grief-101/Facilities in which Dr Steven Kariaskos is involved:
The Kita Center in Maine: https://www.thekitacenter.org/
This bereavement and mental health center supports individuals impacted by suicide loss. Camp Kita, a free summer camp for young people ages 8-17 who have experienced a loss. We are also expanding our offerings to include weekend retreats, such as a Family Retreat for families navigating a loss and a retreat for Twentysomethings who have lost a loved one to suicide. “Preventing suicide by building intentional environments to foster connection and a lifelong engagement with mental health.”Coping After Suicide Peer Support Groups: https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/if-youre-having-difficult-time/support-groups-people-bereaved-suicide/
New groups begin in January, and additional specialized groups are available based on specific losses or identities (such as groups for mothers, siblings, and men).Talking OutLOUD - Teens & Suicide Loss, A Conversation:
https://www.rethinktheconversation.org/talking-outloud
Award-winning documentary featuring a teen-led discussion about suicide loss.Elpis Consulting, Coaching, and Community Building:
https://www.elpis-consult.com/
Cultivating restorative communities rooted in hope and well-being. I collaborate with schools and organizations globally, supporting programs that foster organizational health, community well-being, and individual thriving. Elpis means “Hope” in Greek, reflecting the cSupport the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
So many of us bemoan the loss of a village, but do we really know what we mean by that?
Being in a village or community requires us to give as well as take; often not on our own terms. It also means that we have to brush shoulders with people who might have radically different viewpoints from us on things like politics or religion.
Many of us have got used to our busy, overscheduled lives, and don't have time to offer what's needed to create community, whilst complaining about its absence.
When we think about community it's easy to desire the positives, whilst forgetting that a lot of selfless contribution goes on behind the scenes in order for it to function.
Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
Encouraging our kids to make the most of themselves is a vital job for parents, but how do we talk with girls about the barriers they face? From the subtle expectation that girls and women be humble to the not so subtle focus on their worth based on body parts and beauty, we parents are left with a tricky path to tread.
Girls posting bikini shots on social media: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/bikini-photos-why-are-girls-posting-bikini-pics-and-what-should-we-say-about-them/Girl friendships: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/114-friendships-frenemies-and-boy-banter-parenting-our-teens-through-the-relationship-pitfalls/Negotiating allowances: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/money-giving-teens-and-tweens-an-allowance-two-years-on-my-daughter-talks-about-how-its-impacted/Eldest daughter syndrome: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/eldest-daughter-syndrome-and-the-trouble-with-parentification/Friendship groups: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/friendship-girls-and-toxic-groups-also-resilience-how-to-get-your-teen-to-keep-going-instead-of-g/
We want to encourage our girls to be bold, and try to achieve their dreams, but how do we do that without being honest about the pitfalls of being ambitious, and the misogynistic reactions they will face as they navigate the world?
Jo-Ann Finkelstein's book, Sexism and Sensibilty: Raising Empowered, Resilient Girls in the Modern World, has been described by Lisa D'Amour as required reading for anyone who is raising, educating, or caring for girls.
In this interview, Finkelstein discusses the challenges girls face, such as internalizing sexism and the pressure to conform to beauty standards. She highlights the need for us parents to open about the challenges girls face so they learn to understand their worth beyond appearance.
She has some great tips on how to help boys and girls notice the subtle signals and explains how we parents can help them by moving away from comments about their bodies and emphasising their other qualities.
Another great tip is to encourage discussion around the dinner table and give girls time and respect when they want to make a point, since men interrupt women 33% more then they interrupt other men.
COMPATIBLE EPISODES:Jo-Ann Finkelstein, is an advisory board member of the nonprofit, SSAIS, which has teen resource to empower youth to address SH/SA through peer education and advocacy. Jo-Ann has a toolkit on this page: https://stopsexualassaultinschools.org/toolkits/, and SASH Club is described here: https://stopsexualassaultinschools.org/sash-club/ and on its own website at the previous link.
Support the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk -
Send us a text
The suicide of a young man at Oxford University has prompted a warning letter to the UK Government about 'cancel culture' on campus. The review into his death 'identified evidence of a concerning practice of social ostracism among students, often referred to as a cancel culture,' according the coroner.
'[The review's] evidence was that this behaviour, where individuals are isolated and excluded from social groups based on allegations or perceptions of wrongdoing, poses a significant risk to student mental health and well-being.'
I brought Susie in to talk about where cancel culture has come from, why it's become popular, and how we parents can help our kids be a force for good.
PODCAST ON DEI :
Conflict resolution skills: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/conflict-resolution-skills-can-deepen-your-relationship-with-your-teen-heres-how/Consequnces: https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/32-rules-consequences-and-the-teen-who-doesnt-seem-to-care/
This Isn't Working by Tanya de Grunwald
FICTION BOOK:
The Outcast - Sadie Jones
EPISODES:BLOG about consequences:
https://www.teenagersuntangled.com/blog/whats-going-on-when-our-boundaries-and-consequences-dont-seem-to-work/Seven Ideas to Reduce Cancel Culture in Yourself or Your Students and Build Resilience from https://growingleaders.com/the-correlation-between-cancel-culture-and-resilience-in-students/:
Do not react on impulse. Think first. Give yourself a day to reflect.Practice the 101% Principle. Find the 1% you agree on and give it 100% of your attention. Listen before you speak. Recover the art of really hearing from the other side. Phone a friend. Don’t respond in a vacuum. Include others’ perspectives before acting.Apologize when and where you’re wrong. This goes a long way in fostering relationships. Forgive when appropriate. To make a mistake is human; to forgive is divine.Build a bridge where there’s a wall. Find a way to connect with the opposing side.https://comment.org/why-we-cancel/
https://www.depts.ttu.edu/rise/Blog/cancelculture.php
https://www.researchgate.net/publication/375520893_Cancelled_Exploring_the_Phenomenon_of_Cancel_Culture
https://www.thetimes.com/uk/education/article/oxford-student-took-own-life-after-ostracism-over-sexual-encounter-cjx389t5r
https://www.mindingthecampus.org/2024/08/27/the-dangerous-evolution-of-cancel-culture/
https://www.mindingthecampus.org/2024/08/27/the-dangerous-evolution-of-cancel-culture/
https://medium.com/@julesdixon/ostracism-social-exclusion-in-adulthood-8764ea1a4003
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Pl_86DNyN4ciceroSupport the show
Thank you so much for your support.
Please hit the follow button if you like the podcast, and share it with anyone who might benefit. You can review us on Apple podcasts by going to the show page, scrolling down to the bottom where you can click on a star then you can leave your message.
I don't have medical training so please seek the advice of a specialist if you're not coping.
My email is [email protected]
My website has a blog, searchable episodes, and ways to contact us:
www.teenagersuntangled.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/teenagersuntangled/
Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/teenagersuntangled/
Susie is available for a free 15 minute consultation, and has a great blog:
www.amindful-life.co.uk - Laat meer zien
